Struggling to be happy where I live.

[CeceJoyce]

Long story, first time ever posting at the age of 42 and two teenage kids so please bear with me.

So I am from the north, I moved to London around 21 years ago to be with my husband (he grew up here). I struggled to settle here coming from a very supportive home up north. I’d say I had varying amounts of depression over the years as I struggled to make friends or find a decent job. We married and had children quickly which I rushed into thinking I’d feel more settled but I think it made me feel a bit stuck here. Missing my family and the support I would have gotten (I’m from a very big family, DH barely has any).

So anyway a long story short I’ve suddenly felt this real pull to move north to be nearer my family, to have a bigger house by the sea, very close to the city so best of both worlds. We’d be mortgage free and able to give my children deposits for their own homes (not possible in London they’ll prob be renting forever!) my husband runs his own successful business from home and though he’d miss London was happy to go seeing as I’ve lived here over 20 years now.

Here’s the thing though my youngest dc won’t even consider a move, aged 15 so GCSEs next year so I’d never consider a move right now. But they say they never want to move, not even when they finish college (3 years from now). I said I want to move closer to my family and they say if I move I’ll be taking all their family away from them. Of course this is true and dc is a lovely child but I feel resentful. I feel like all of our lives could be better with a move but they won’t consider it now and if I move when they’re older then they’re right I’ll be a few hundred miles from my children and poss future grandchildren which is what my own parents are going through with us being so far away.

I’m struggling to cope with the realisation the move won’t ever happen. I suddenly feel like I hate where I live, that I don’t feel connected to many people here, the rush hours, the lack of family. I’ve felt numb for a few weeks now and if it’s not ever going to happen I don’t know how to get myself out of this negative mindset. It’s starting to affect my family which I’m not doing intentionally I just feel like I’ve always put everyone else first and I just thought I might get this one thing for me (also dh and eldest dc we’re fine about the move).

I guess I need some friendly Mumsnet virtual hugs to get me to get over myself and stop hating where I live…

It is really hard and if I'd truly understood the long term implications of setting up life away from my family in my early 20s I would've stayed more local . Now finally after 35 years I have accepted this is home and look at the positives . I couldn't move away from where the children are based no matter how much I would want to. I made my bed ! I do empathise though, it is really tough.

I wouldn't put too much emphasis on how your 15 year old feels about your plans right now, people grow up an awful lot between 15 and 18 and it's likely they'll be much more independent and able to stand on their own feet in 3 years time.

It does sound like a mid life issue but that's not a bad thing. After decades of focusing on family it's time to think about how the next 20 years will look for you and your DH. Good luck with your decision!

I think I just wanted to get closer to a decision I’m happy with.

Right, I understand. That is really hard and I know my parents miss us a lot, but they're very tied to their area. My dad would've moved down to be near us, but my mum loves it up there and rightly so. They still came down a lot pre-covid and we go up two or three times a year, but it's not like my aunts who have their children and GC very close by up there. Truthfully, I think you'll have some regrets whichever way you go, but you can't stay here out of fear and a lot of it is about attitude, like the PP who stayed in the Netherlands. So if you do end up choosing to go, own that decision and enjoy it as much as you can. Fwiw I think you're right that it's part of the whole wrench of them growing up and reaching a new life phase - as you will be too. And it is nicer to be old up north in many ways, so there's that.

@MojoMoon
A lot of people I know in London live here because it’s where they were brought up, their whole family is here. Not so easy to move to a brand new place but over the last few years so many people we know are moving away to get bigger houses. A different pace of life. A lot of people we know are renting and hate it but have absolutely no other options.

My mum and dad moved 300 miles from London when I was 19 and in first year of Uni. No financial gain either, (why should there be!) as used all their ££ to buy much, much larger house to begin a very different lifestyle.
Tbh, I was a bit set back on my heels as I guess, like plenty of kids that age, I hadn't really seen them as having their own plans and desires, IYSWIM. Not for long though, as my own life and pathway, separate to theirs, was fast becoming clearer as it usually does at that age.
I would have a 3/4 year plan and see where it takes you.

@Evenstar
Thank you. Where I’m from there are plenty of opportunities and affordable housing, It’s not in the middle of nowhere so obviously my dream would be as they get older they may see the benefits for themselves. Obviously if they don’t then that’s up to them. I’ve always been a very Mumsy mum I guess. Probably over parent a bit 😁 but I genuinely want what’s best for everyone not just me!

You have all been wonderful and really given me some things to think about.
It’s not the right time to make a decision so I’ll have to put it on the back burner for now. Like most if you have said I have no idea what any idea our lives will look like in a few years. They may move far away from London and the north. I may never see them when they get busy with their own lives! They may not have children.
I guess one day at a time and for now I have to find a way to enjoy the expensive, congested London 🤣

@Wilkolampshade
That must have been strange for you. To done posters their responses seem to think I’m selfish but I’m anything but. My children’s happiness has always been more important to me than anything else and I want to be close to them for however long they need me. I would hate for them to feel deserted by us…I’ll just have to hope they build such amazing lives for themselves that they don’t notice I’ve gone!!

Don't fall into that trap of doing what suits your kids forever. We have ended up staying put and I wish we had moved as soon as the youngest left for uni. We are now at the point that they're both at opposite ends of the country and we are bang smack in the middle which is so convenient for them both!

If you think your youngest will do uni from home, make plans to move at that point and start selling him the fantastic universities up north!

Move. Time it with finishing her GCSEs. Tell her she can do her A levels or level 3 diploma up north and if she hates it and doesn’t make friends she can move back to London afterwards aged 18

Don’t let her dictate. The likelihood is she will settle up north regardless and your other child will see the attraction of being up north once older and wanting a mortgage. All you need is for the youngest to make one good friend and start to enjoy what the seaside location has to offer

Are they friends with their cousins? Are their any relatives their age?

I'd move after your DC has completed their A levels if I was you. That's not so far away... they'll be off at uni then and doing their own thing... they'll come home in holidays and where that is isn't so important imo.

@SaltySheepdog
Yeah they’ve spent a lot of time together, they visit us here too. I wouldn’t be expecting them to be my kids best mates if we moved I def see it more as family/cousins days out or games nights (we do this sort of thing when we visit or they visit, my childhood was like it too). They have no cousins here. I have such a big family my cousins all have children of their own too and we all see each other. I’ve always felt lucky to be part of a close big family. It’s always been hard to feel so distant from it.

Agree with those saying move in a few years when youngest has finished school (and a year or so into uni?). Also agree with those saying shelve the discussion with DC for now ... doesn't mean you can't plan the move with DH, just don't discuss it with DC.

Don't stay in London forever to be near DC when their adults because, as others have said, one or both may move out of London in due course. How bad / resentful would you feel then, having sacrificed your North move?

Don't think buying property in both London and North is practical - too expensive. Better to move North and subsidise youngest accommodation cost whilst at uni if necessary.

@Comedycook
I think that’s probably the most sensible thing we can do. Dh and I also agreed we’d rent for a year first (we are lucky to be in that position workwise as both work from home). Our home would be quite a high rental income. Less than a property in the north. It would give us a year to see what we think without any final decisions as we could always come back south.. I just have to be more patient!!

Is where you’re going back to really as you imagine it to be or are you holding onto memories from years ago?

@Foolsrule
It’s about 30 mins from where I grew up and even better than I could have imagined. I’ve talked to people from the area and family who live/visit there. It’s a very sought after area, houses are on abs off the market very quickly.

I made a similar move after 20 years, kids were much younger, and if I could turn back time I would. I regret it every day.. So much of your plans and hopes are similar to mine. However I don't have quite as much family here and perhaps that would have been the difference. There are lots of positives but I'd give my right arm to go back. I had settled much more than I thought.

Hi OP,
When your youngest is 18 could you buy a house back near your family with a mortgage - or by taking a mortgage on your London home - but keep your London home for a while?

You could then split your time and as your kids adjust and grow more independent you could spend more time in the north. When the time is right for all the family you can sell the London house.

If only students live in your London house (if both your boys are at uni) it should be exempt of Council tax and they should be able to take care of the utilities with student funds and part time jobs.

You would need to pay the higher rate of stamp duty if you buy a new house without selling the old one.

Perhaps if they are at uni in London but choose to spend their long university holidays in the north with you they may see the benefits of the north with house prices and relatives etc. It would make a transition with a lower level of drama for everybody.

I couldn't imagine saying to my kids when they hit 18, well what's your plan because I'm off. No one is that heartless in real life surely.