Struggling to be happy where I live.

[CeceJoyce]

Long story, first time ever posting at the age of 42 and two teenage kids so please bear with me.

So I am from the north, I moved to London around 21 years ago to be with my husband (he grew up here). I struggled to settle here coming from a very supportive home up north. I’d say I had varying amounts of depression over the years as I struggled to make friends or find a decent job. We married and had children quickly which I rushed into thinking I’d feel more settled but I think it made me feel a bit stuck here. Missing my family and the support I would have gotten (I’m from a very big family, DH barely has any).

So anyway a long story short I’ve suddenly felt this real pull to move north to be nearer my family, to have a bigger house by the sea, very close to the city so best of both worlds. We’d be mortgage free and able to give my children deposits for their own homes (not possible in London they’ll prob be renting forever!) my husband runs his own successful business from home and though he’d miss London was happy to go seeing as I’ve lived here over 20 years now.

Here’s the thing though my youngest dc won’t even consider a move, aged 15 so GCSEs next year so I’d never consider a move right now. But they say they never want to move, not even when they finish college (3 years from now). I said I want to move closer to my family and they say if I move I’ll be taking all their family away from them. Of course this is true and dc is a lovely child but I feel resentful. I feel like all of our lives could be better with a move but they won’t consider it now and if I move when they’re older then they’re right I’ll be a few hundred miles from my children and poss future grandchildren which is what my own parents are going through with us being so far away.

I’m struggling to cope with the realisation the move won’t ever happen. I suddenly feel like I hate where I live, that I don’t feel connected to many people here, the rush hours, the lack of family. I’ve felt numb for a few weeks now and if it’s not ever going to happen I don’t know how to get myself out of this negative mindset. It’s starting to affect my family which I’m not doing intentionally I just feel like I’ve always put everyone else first and I just thought I might get this one thing for me (also dh and eldest dc we’re fine about the move).

I guess I need some friendly Mumsnet virtual hugs to get me to get over myself and stop hating where I live…

Don't move until they finish college and perhaps stop discussing it now. Your 15yo migh feel much less sensitive when they are 18 yo and perhaps will move away for uni. You are allowed to live where you want. Don't force them to move though. It might be all attractive up North for you, but for someone else it would be horrible

It doesn't have to be 'never', it might just not be right now. In 5 years time things might look very different and both DC will be off doing their own thing so they will feel very different to what they do now.

You seem to be looking at this as your children will remain living where you do and that you will see each other regularly as they grow up and that isn't really realistic.

Whether you live in London or up North they may well chose to move, maybe after uni they get offered a great placement overseas or in 10 - 15years time they get married and decide they don't want to bring their children up in the city and want to move to the coast or countryside. They may well feel like they have to stay around as you did or you may will feel resentful if they jet off and you've missed your chance.

At 15 they are very young and living independently feels a long way away but they will mature alot over the next 3 or so years and whilst they are still children in a few years time they will be eager to fledge the nest.

You are only 42. As soon as the youngest has gone to uni make the move. You still have YEARS of life ahead

Can you pinpoint why you don't feel settled in London after 20+ years? You say you've struggled to find work and make friends -- why is that?

Is it possible your fantasy of life up north wouldn't match reality? What would you do for work, for example?

I think you need to stay for 3 years to get your child off to university and then make a decision. It's likely they will toughen up about it over time so don't give up on the idea totally.

@Iwonder08
We go there probably a couple of times a year and they love it. Seeing everyone, going new places, my nephews are the sane age as my two and they get in like a house in fire. They get so excited to visit.
My youngest isn’t a typical teen. Has a few friends but is picky and expects a lot from them. Even going to college they are going to one none of their friends are going to so I feel a little annoyed that really starting college north or here would be the same!

Maybe in a few years they’ll see the benefit of a move which would release money for a place if their own. Dh and I struggled to get a mortgage. Both working and it’s even harder now! It’s so expensive here. A small flat in my area (very average area) would probably be around £350k I mean how will my kids ever be able to do anything but rent!!

You certainly aren't stuck there, but I sympathise with your dc a little (when it comes to moving themselves, not them telling you not to move yourself). They just want to live where they grew up and have family near by, that's exactly what you also want. They can see from your experience that moving hasn't really made you happy, and also that once you move sometimes it gets complicated to move back.

Plus it sounds a little hypocritical, you've lived the city life for your young adulthood (21 years), now you want to settle down somewhere quieter for your later adult life and retirement. That's fair enough but your dc aren't at that stage.

A house deposit somewhere they have never lived and don't really want to live isn't really much of a selling point. Anyway if you did move and gave them that money, they could still use it well, to add to their own money and buy in London, get a BTL in your home town, invest in something else, etc.

I'd just table the discussion for now and make your own plans. You don't need their permission, and they may end up moving elsewhere anyway so no point arguing about it now.

But aren’t you asking your kids to uproot everything they’ve ever known and leave all their friends and support networks? And you are saying how unhappy choosing to do that yourself made you. If you must move, wait til they’ve left home, otherwise you’re just perpetuating the problem.

Sorry OP havent RTFT but would a remortgage to release some equity upto £30/40k (or lease one?) be do-able and you purchase an absolutely lovely mobile home or static caravan for the interim? You say its by the sea so there must be some? Then its an escape for you and hubby if he works from home whenever you need it. Also, I know you’re FROM there, but often a place will change immensely while you’re away and this is a way of testing the waters before committing. Plus I hate to say it but actually living near family isn’t always what its cracked up to be…

Sympathies from me!

I live where I live because ex h insisted on it - I’ve recently read that Women’s Aid consider dictating where the family lives is considered abusive but that’s not relevant to your post.

I am tied into living here now because they need to have contact etc. But when the youngest is 18 I’ll want to move!

Agree with the others - wait till your DC have finished college and then move. You can’t be held hostage by your kids and you’ll have no control over where they end up. They may study and take initial jobs in London but it’s possible those jobs will have them travel frequently, relocate temporarily, or they’ll fall in and love and move to start a family (just as you did). Also, 300miles isn’t that far…..You’re still within the same country, you can come to London for weekends, possibly even for a day if there’s a fast train from the part of the north you’d get moving too?

Agree it with your DH that you’ll move in 3ish years and start quietly making plans accordingly, but I wouldn’t bring it up constantly if it’s upsetting the youngest DC

@dreamingbohemian
It’s a super long story. Met dh on holiday I was a few years younger. He didn’t want to move north, there’s a lot of resentment I hold onto really though he didn’t force me.
So I left uni, my flat I was sharing with friends. My p/t job and all my family and friends to come here. It was a mistake I think then. Rushed to get married and have kids. Undiagnosed ADHD (diagnosed 5 years ago) explains my impulsivity (moving. getting married. Having kids). I feel I’ve missed so much. I was very close to my brother and he has kids same age. I just wish I could invite my mum over for Sunday dinner. Walk by the sea with the dog, I have a lot of extended family who visit the sea from all over the north and it’s always fun (though I miss it a lot as too far away now)

And don't assume you'll have grandchildren!!

@Jangle33
Absolutely I know what you’re saying but when I moved here I knew absolutely no one but my husband. I had no support network at all. My kids know all my family, my friends. They know the area. It would be different they’ve been going there regularly since they were born.

[quote CeceJoyce]@DinosaurDiana
I did try that. I said finish GCSEs and they’re desperate to go to a particular college (it’s a very good one and it has the specific courses they wants) so I said I’d hold off until then but they have been in bits. So much so that I can’t even talk about it. Even if they hear me having a conversation with someone about a move 3-5 years in the future they get all upset. They’re a Sensitive soul. I just wonder how ill feel if I wait until they are both older and doing their own thing and they decide to stay. How would I actually feel about moving. I’d be closer to my parents, siblings and cousins (I have a lot!!) but I’d be really far from my children, their partners and grandchildren.[/quote]
They are going to have to toughen up to go to college. A big part of it IMO IS leaving home and learning to be independent adults.....If it was me I would be planting the flag now and saying that you WILL be moving at some point in the future and they had better start getting used to the idea. If they want to live at home while at Uni, they had better start looking up north.

@AuntieMarys
This is true they both want children but you never know….

Seems harsh to move them for sixth form if they have a great college to go to and friends and activities and a life they don't want uprooted

But after that? They will be adults. Maybe they'll end up living in New York or Beijing or Timbuktu during or after university?

They may well not have partners and children for another 15-20 years. And they may be on another continent when they do. Or they may not have children ever or get married ever etc! Don't make your decisions now based on something that you have no little control of.

I'd say the most generous thing to do would be to stay put until the start of second year of uni. First year - they move into uni halls/accomodation but the holidays are long and often they must vacate the rooms during them. Second year - they rent a flat with friends/other students. No need to decant a room for the holidays.

You move north, kids come to visit when they fancy it (which may or may not be that often). You also make an effort to travel down to London to visit them even if that means staying in a hotel or similar.

Stop talking to your child about it now. Three years away is too far for a 15 year to comprehend - they will be a different person then.

Get them settled into sixth form and start discussing it in a couple of years

Hi OP, 15 year olds can be pretty dramatic as you know . Something similar happened to me: I grew up in London and my parents and siblings all , separately, moved away when I was at uni, so I was the only one of my family left in the city when I came back after Uni . I would have hated the idea at 15, but as I matured I realised that a)they have their own lives and deserve to be happy and b) It’s not that far to travel and is in fact lovely to have a place to go to visit and c) it’s up to them! I agree with others that you should make plans to move in the next few years. They will very likely adjust and come around to the idea as they grow but they are most likely feeling anxious and insecure now, which is natural at their age.

I would have a loose plan to move when your child finishes A levels but I wouldn’t keep discussing it now. It’s not fair on your family and it will make you feel more unsettled.

If you are feeling so bad about where you live now I think you should do things to make you feel better about it and stop yearning for your home town so much.

I agree with waiting until next summer. Then fresh start for A Levels.
Your kids won't have kids for another ten years or more (guessing but if they want uni etc)
You have to live your own life. I'm sure you've put them first for many many years.

I'd move when the youngest turns 18. You can't predict where they'll live - they may move away from London themselves for a job or a partner or just because they want to.

I would not make life plans on the views of a 15 year old - they of course will / can change their minds once they have more life experience and like the idea of a deposit for a place of their own.

Would you be able to fund uni accommodation for your youngest if they stayed in London? If the eldest is essentially going to get free accommodation as they will be able to live at home it might bread resentment of your move if your youngest then has to struggle

It’s very different having gone somewhere on holiday. Of course cousins are pleased to see each other on a holiday basis but are said cousins really keen on having them come in and hang out with all their friends. You kids may well want to be London based for work - you living there is also a big positive.

OP I think people are missing exactly what you're saying. You're not describing moving with your teenager now, or waiting a few years till they're 18 and at uni and you can relocate without them - what you seem to want is the whole family to move, and then your two children (15 and 18?) to live as if they grew up where you did and stay there forever, making the most of cheaper houses etc etc.

Honestly, I think that is really unrealistic. You may regret it but you've raised two Londoners. At 15 and 18, nobody in your home town is going to think of them as local. They have their friends, and their areas they're comfortable with. I certainly wouldn't say 'don't move' but I think you're probably right: even if they come now, its v likely they'll both migrate down south for uni and work.

I know a couple who went to Australia with two young kids on a five year work placement. It got extended and they moved 'home' with a 12 and 9 year old. 9 year old settled, 12 year old never did: viewed herself as Australian and as of a few years ago was about to go back there for uni and very clear she never planned to return. Parents heartbroken as their other child did see UK as home, so they'll have children split between continents.

I think the biggest potential issue is if your two DC do settle, have grandchildren, etc etc in London, you've made the move, you aren't as connected with your family of origin as you imagine and you want to move back but prices don't allow it. Otherwise it sounds like you need to try the move. But for it to have 'stuck' in the way you seem to want, if really should have happened years ago.

If you want your 15 year old to identify with where you're from, I"d be looking to move him for college, but only you can know if he'll adapt or resent you for it.