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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he is calling me a c*** and be upset by it?

96 replies

WestIsBest21 · 03/08/2021 08:58

When we argue (infrequently) he always resorts to name calling.

His favourite is to call me a c but he also likes d and a*.

He has decided b* is “demeaning to women” so he never uses that one.

I have told him, asked him and even begged him to stop calling me names. Especially c* which really upsets me. I’m not prude, I just think the word sounds so loaded and venomous when he says it.

He has agreed to stop using it. But he reneges on this when we fight.

Now, here’s the AIBU part… he is always careful to put two little words ahead of the names he calls me:

“Being a”

So never “you’re a c” always “you’re being a c”

He says this means it isn’t name calling, just a calm observation about how I’m behaving. I genuinely can’t see the difference.

I get so upset about the name calling that I often the drag the argument out a few hours longer than necessary. This might be unreasonable of me. But, I often feel so het up by the c* thing that the argument (for me) morphs into an issue over him calling me names.

I have never called him a swear during a fight. Ever.

So, is saying I’m “being a c” the same as calling me a c? I think it is. Hubby thinks this is unreasonable of me. AIBU???

OP posts:
LadyCluck · 03/08/2021 09:01

YABU for staying with him if he repeatedly treats you like that.

I wouldn’t tolerate being treated like that OP. Complete disrespect. You deserve better.

Ifeelmuchlessfat · 03/08/2021 09:03

I don’t think they are the same thing but he’s being ‘clever’ with words and he sounds really unpleasant. The language has a violence to it and is used deliberately to intimidate.

valnevavaxx · 03/08/2021 09:03

I would leave my DP if he called me that even once, so no you’re not being unreasonable. The fact he’s resorting to semantics to try and “get away” with calling you that is immature and pathetic.

TwinsandTrifle · 03/08/2021 09:03

You are a twat. You are (being) a twat.

It's literally the same thing.

They are both calling you a twat. I would be as offended by one as the other.

FelicityPike · 03/08/2021 09:05

Sorry but WHY are you still with him?!
No way could I be with anyone who bullied and degraded me like this.

Nonmaquillee · 03/08/2021 09:09

Nasty, nasty man. Why are you with him? You know that there are many men out there who don’t verbally abuse women at all…

His playing around with words…it’s bullshit. He’s trying to fool you into believing that there’s a “nicer” way to call someone a c…but there isn’t.

CagneyNYPD · 03/08/2021 09:14

I can be quite sweary. The one word I never use is cunt. I assume you mean cunt rather than cock

I have never sworn at DH in an argument. Even after nearly 25 years. There is, in my opinion, a difference between the "you are a something" and "you are being a something". But the difference is small. And neither has any place in a loving relationship.

He starts swearing in an argument because he has run out of things to say, can't be arsed and wants to press your buttons. Get you where it hurts. This is deeply unpleasant. There is a big difference between swearing about a situation and actually swearing at another person.

MistyGreenAndBlue · 03/08/2021 09:14

No. There's no difference. There might possibly be if he were saying "acting like a ..." but even then, it's really just an excuse to call you vile names and gaslight you that he isn't.

To put this in perspective for you. The first time a man called me a name like that would also be the last
I once dumped a guy for telling me to fuck off.
Don't let anyone disrespect you like that. Especially not someone who is supposed to care about you.

M4J4 · 03/08/2021 09:16

Tell him he's a cunt and dump him.

FreeBritnee · 03/08/2021 09:17

Anyway you could record this stuff and play it back to him so he can understand how bad his behaviour is?

M4J4 · 03/08/2021 09:17

There is, in my opinion, a difference between the "you are a something" and "you are being a something".

I don't think there is a difference at all. They both mean you are something.

Op, he's gas lighting you. He enjoys seeing you beg him and be upset.

CarnationCat · 03/08/2021 09:18

There's no difference. He's just trying to be clever with how he phrases it so he can minimise how awful it is. There's no way I would tolerate being called that in a nasty way by my partner.

Your DH thinks it's acceptable to call you this. He knows you hate it, and rightfully so, and continues to do it. He does not respect you.

Sailor2009 · 03/08/2021 09:20

Tell him he's being a fucking arsehole. He shouldn't mind because according to him it's just an observation

LaraDecouvrie · 03/08/2021 09:21

Is he Scottish? Although it’s still not a pleasant word or a nice word I don’t think it’s as “loaded” in Scotland.

My dad swears constantly and refers to everyone as cunts. I was mortified on parents evening when he proudly told my teacher that I was a smart cunt.

MattHancocksSexTape · 03/08/2021 09:21

How often are you arguing?

MistyGreenAndBlue · 03/08/2021 09:22

@FreeBritnee

Anyway you could record this stuff and play it back to him so he can understand how bad his behaviour is?
Dont bother. He knows. He's abusive and is working up to worse. Just leave before he thumps you. He won't get better.
pinkcircustop · 03/08/2021 09:22

There is a difference. Someone can be being stupid/a cunt/rude without generally being a stupid or rude person or a cunt.

I also think cunt is just another word people like to find offensive.

However, those are not the issues here. The issue here is that you don’t like how he talks to you and he doesn’t respect you enough to listen and stop.

M4J4 · 03/08/2021 09:26

@pinkcircustop it's the same thing.

e.g. if you just wrote a post to me syaing 'you are being a cunt', MNHQ would delete your post.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 03/08/2021 09:28

You really don't need to put asterisks in swear words OP, we are all grown ups here.

But as for him calling you a cunt and whatever else - that's disposable, and gaslighting to say it's not name calling too. Why do you put up with this?!

Terhou · 03/08/2021 09:31

Tell him you're not arguing about semantics, either he stops bringing the word cunt (and any others that you dislike) into your disagreements or that's the end of the relationship. And be prepared to put it into action the first time he ignores you.

Fiddliestofsticks · 03/08/2021 09:32

You do know that you only get one life, right? This is it. This is all you get.

Why are you spending it with a man who your regularly argue with, and who then calls you a cunt? Why?

Shizen · 03/08/2021 09:32

The semantics aren’t relevant. What is relevant, is you have told him this behaviour hurts you and makes you feel disrespected, and he persists with it anyway. It will get worse OP

MyAnacondaMight · 03/08/2021 09:34

When you are literally begging someone to treat you better, that’s a pretty clear indication that you’d better off without them.

TheAverageUser · 03/08/2021 09:35

My husband has never once called me any of those words, you don't have to put up with it. Who cares about semantics, he thinks it's appropriate to talk to you like that, so gross.

AtlasPine · 03/08/2021 09:36

@Shizen

The semantics aren’t relevant. What is relevant, is you have told him this behaviour hurts you and makes you feel disrespected, and he persists with it anyway. It will get worse OP
Exactly this. Not the actions of someone who truly loves you.