Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he is calling me a c*** and be upset by it?

96 replies

WestIsBest21 · 03/08/2021 08:58

When we argue (infrequently) he always resorts to name calling.

His favourite is to call me a c but he also likes d and a*.

He has decided b* is “demeaning to women” so he never uses that one.

I have told him, asked him and even begged him to stop calling me names. Especially c* which really upsets me. I’m not prude, I just think the word sounds so loaded and venomous when he says it.

He has agreed to stop using it. But he reneges on this when we fight.

Now, here’s the AIBU part… he is always careful to put two little words ahead of the names he calls me:

“Being a”

So never “you’re a c” always “you’re being a c”

He says this means it isn’t name calling, just a calm observation about how I’m behaving. I genuinely can’t see the difference.

I get so upset about the name calling that I often the drag the argument out a few hours longer than necessary. This might be unreasonable of me. But, I often feel so het up by the c* thing that the argument (for me) morphs into an issue over him calling me names.

I have never called him a swear during a fight. Ever.

So, is saying I’m “being a c” the same as calling me a c? I think it is. Hubby thinks this is unreasonable of me. AIBU???

OP posts:
Shouldbedoing · 03/08/2021 09:36

Leave the bastard. But first get your ducks in a row.

GiveMeAUserName123 · 03/08/2021 09:37

Manipulative bastard! His doing it on purpose.

Original poster
WestIsBest21 · 03/08/2021 09:37

Woah. This blew up.

We don’t argue often but when we do, he absolutely blazes at me.

I took myself off to bed last night to try and give him time to cool off. A couple of hours later, he stormed in, switched on all the lights and started yelling at me. He called me all the names. It was 2am and the kids were asleep down the hall, so I went off to sleep in the spare bed. It was awful. This morning he will not apologise.

OP posts:
MarianneUnfaithful · 03/08/2021 09:37

Don’t get drawn into a prolonged argument about name calling. This is him being abusive, distracting you from the main discussion and deliberately winding you up whilst totally disrespecting you.

There isn’t an ‘OK’ list of insults, either. All are designed to insult, demean and belittle.

The minute he calls you a name, any name, any insult, drop all the fight energy from your body and mind. Say very calmly ‘I won’t take part in a discussion where insults are used’ and leave the house. Go for a walk, a drive, anything.

Grey rock and walk away each and every time an insult leaves his mouth.

Then the next day, if there is still an issue to resolve say ‘can we set a time when it is convenient to talk about xx?’.

Step back and look at the relationship as a whole. Is it healthy? Does he support you, make you feel safe, special, inspired, trusted and trustful?

SillyLittleBiscuit · 03/08/2021 09:39

Not only is he constantly calling you names, he’s trying to think of ways to make it acceptable. He sounds like a typical bully who thinks he’s clever but is actually a pathetic tosser. I’d move on.

MarianneUnfaithful · 03/08/2021 09:39

Cross posted.

He is seriously out of order with that behaviour OP.

Can you go somewhere for a couple of days? Friend? Parents? Sibling?

Be v calm and say ‘I won’t live where I am shouted at in the night. I am removing myself’ and leave.

M4J4 · 03/08/2021 09:40

@WestIsBest21

Woah. This blew up.

We don’t argue often but when we do, he absolutely blazes at me.

I took myself off to bed last night to try and give him time to cool off. A couple of hours later, he stormed in, switched on all the lights and started yelling at me. He called me all the names. It was 2am and the kids were asleep down the hall, so I went off to sleep in the spare bed. It was awful. This morning he will not apologise.

You really do need to leave him, OP, if not for your sake, then for your children's.
Fiddliestofsticks · 03/08/2021 09:40

Again... this is all you get. There isnt another chance if you realise in 20 years that you've spent your life with someone who bullies and drags you down and insults you. This won't stop either. Your kids are going to be watching and hearing this for their whole lives, and how do you think they will talk to their partners?

Shouldbedoing · 03/08/2021 09:46

Children hear arguments at night, and pretend to be asleep

pinkcircustop · 03/08/2021 09:49

[quote M4J4]@pinkcircustop it's the same thing.

e.g. if you just wrote a post to me syaing 'you are being a cunt', MNHQ would delete your post.[/quote]
It’s not the same, and it doesn’t matter what MNHQ does. They’re not the arbitrator of everything, just their own forum.

But again, like I said, that isn’t the issue here and that’s even more clear after OP’s last post.

Regularsizedrudy · 03/08/2021 09:50

@WestIsBest21

Woah. This blew up.

We don’t argue often but when we do, he absolutely blazes at me.

I took myself off to bed last night to try and give him time to cool off. A couple of hours later, he stormed in, switched on all the lights and started yelling at me. He called me all the names. It was 2am and the kids were asleep down the hall, so I went off to sleep in the spare bed. It was awful. This morning he will not apologise.

This is not normal. This is an abusive relationship.
ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp · 03/08/2021 09:53

He's an abusive shit.

You're going to live like this for the rest of your life. And your kids. Great.

godmum56 · 03/08/2021 09:53

@MattHancocksSexTape

How often are you arguing?
my first thought.
godmum56 · 03/08/2021 09:55

@WestIsBest21

Woah. This blew up.

We don’t argue often but when we do, he absolutely blazes at me.

I took myself off to bed last night to try and give him time to cool off. A couple of hours later, he stormed in, switched on all the lights and started yelling at me. He called me all the names. It was 2am and the kids were asleep down the hall, so I went off to sleep in the spare bed. It was awful. This morning he will not apologise.

how often is not often? once a week? once a month?
MistyGreenAndBlue · 03/08/2021 09:55

Ask yourself who starts these fights and what are they generally about.
I think if you analyse it, you'll see even more clearly that it's bullying plain and simple.

Bursting in on you 2 hours after a fight had calmed down and screaming at you in a rage is not normal behaviour. It just isn't.

NeverButterkist · 03/08/2021 09:55

It doesn't matter if he thinks that adding 'being a' in front of c* makes it less insulting, it upsets you and he should respect that.

In the early days of my relationship with DH I told him to 'p**s off' in jest. It really upset him so I have never done it since.

ByWayOf · 03/08/2021 09:57

My DH started name calling a few of times during arguments around a year ago when we were going through a pretty tough patch, including the 'c' word at one point, which he later claimed was "about the situation, not at you" Hmm.

I seriously considered leaving him over it, and told him so. It's not happened since, but to be honest I still keep a wary eye out for a repeat. It's so poisionous - to me it speaks of real contempt and malice underlying it (which can also be supported by the way and context in which it's said. There's a world of difference between someone laughingly saying, "you daft cunt!" when you do something silly and saying "you're being a cunt" in an argument).

The thing that seemed to really cut through for my DH was pointing out that he would be absolutely mortified to have anyone know or overhear what he'd said to me, and make clear that I had told a couple of my friends he knows and likes (who were absolutely appalled), as well as loudly repeating something vile he'd said to me sotto voce when someone else was in the house. (He was furiously upset over that one - the shock on his face when I brought it loudly out into the open was a picture).

It shouldn't take that sort of social embarrassment, of course, but it did seem to bring him up short and yank him out of the idea he was slipping into that it is ok to speak to your wife behind closed doors in a way you wouldn't dream of speaking to her or anyone else in public.

Time will tell.

You are absolutely in the right and he is absolutely in the wrong, no matter what "clever" talk-arounds he think excuse him from treating you with a basic level of decency.

Saidtoomuch · 03/08/2021 09:58

Thats disgusting behaviour. What is the situation financially and housing wise - just wondering whether you can kick his abusive backside out?

4togonow · 03/08/2021 09:59

I would not accept that even once. I would end it straight away.

Babdoc · 03/08/2021 10:04

OP, if you don’t leave him after that appalling abuse at 2am, then you are giving him the message that his behaviour is acceptable to you, and that there will be no repercussions for it.
That will encourage him to escalate the abuse. He is testing your boundaries. This man clearly does not respect or love you. His attitude is one of contempt.
Please don’t waste another minute with him. You get one life - it shouldn’t be like this. Leave and find a decent normal loving man.
Or in 20 years time you will wish you had.

takealettermsjones · 03/08/2021 10:08

A calm observation about how you're behaving??

Babe, throw the whole man away.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 03/08/2021 10:16

He says this means it isn’t name calling, just a calm observation about how I’m behaving.

No matter how you feel about "you are a / you are behaving like a" this is the bit that should send you out of the door.

He has no repsoect for you. He is telling you that loud and clear. He really isn't the man you thought he was.

Think about what theat sentence means

Whenever you disagree all he sees is a stupid bit of meat daring raise it's voice against him.

If he won't aologise he isn't sorry, that is what he actually thinks/feels about you - even if only when he is upset. That he plays silly games with you about the 'like a' just shows how much he has thought it through, has worked out how to stop you being able to object, put him in the wrong.

That is quite a master manipulator.

Your kids will hear and see that.

You can't unhear it.

You need to consider what you want fro the rest of your life. Is he worth being devalued so much?

Bloodypunkrockers · 03/08/2021 10:37

I'm glad other posters have picked up on

Just a calm observation about how I'm behaving

That would make me angrier. Who the fuck does he think he is

Your update sounded like my ExH. He would do that too. Pull the covers of the bed, not let me sleep. He WAS a cunt

EKGEMS · 03/08/2021 13:22

Any man who woke me up at two am to continue an argument would be in the paper in the crime report as "victim of justifiable homicide"

M4J4 · 03/08/2021 13:24

@pinkcircustop

It’s not the same, and it doesn’t matter what MNHQ does. They’re not the arbitrator of everything, just their own forum.

But you can't explain why, whereas they actually have a polcy.

Anyway, what you say doesn't matter in that case.