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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he is calling me a c*** and be upset by it?

96 replies

WestIsBest21 · 03/08/2021 08:58

When we argue (infrequently) he always resorts to name calling.

His favourite is to call me a c but he also likes d and a*.

He has decided b* is “demeaning to women” so he never uses that one.

I have told him, asked him and even begged him to stop calling me names. Especially c* which really upsets me. I’m not prude, I just think the word sounds so loaded and venomous when he says it.

He has agreed to stop using it. But he reneges on this when we fight.

Now, here’s the AIBU part… he is always careful to put two little words ahead of the names he calls me:

“Being a”

So never “you’re a c” always “you’re being a c”

He says this means it isn’t name calling, just a calm observation about how I’m behaving. I genuinely can’t see the difference.

I get so upset about the name calling that I often the drag the argument out a few hours longer than necessary. This might be unreasonable of me. But, I often feel so het up by the c* thing that the argument (for me) morphs into an issue over him calling me names.

I have never called him a swear during a fight. Ever.

So, is saying I’m “being a c” the same as calling me a c? I think it is. Hubby thinks this is unreasonable of me. AIBU???

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 03/08/2021 13:26

It doesn’t sound particularly calm

He’s abusive to you
It’s never acceptable for him to call you a cunt
Never

billy1966 · 03/08/2021 13:27

@WestIsBest21

Woah. This blew up.

We don’t argue often but when we do, he absolutely blazes at me.

I took myself off to bed last night to try and give him time to cool off. A couple of hours later, he stormed in, switched on all the lights and started yelling at me. He called me all the names. It was 2am and the kids were asleep down the hall, so I went off to sleep in the spare bed. It was awful. This morning he will not apologise.

Highly abusive and nasty.

Poor children.
What a childhood.

Ring women's aid for support.
Flowers

Hohofortherobbers · 03/08/2021 13:35

Even in our worst arguments my dh and I have never called each other swear words. I would be leaving him if he did call me the c word, it's a disgusting insult.

Terhou · 04/08/2021 18:35

@WestIsBest21

Woah. This blew up.

We don’t argue often but when we do, he absolutely blazes at me.

I took myself off to bed last night to try and give him time to cool off. A couple of hours later, he stormed in, switched on all the lights and started yelling at me. He called me all the names. It was 2am and the kids were asleep down the hall, so I went off to sleep in the spare bed. It was awful. This morning he will not apologise.

This is awful. You and the children shouldn't ever have to put up with this sort of behaviour. Seriously, contact Women's Aid and start planning to leave.
Vilanelle · 05/08/2021 12:32

Your relationship sounds lovely

MissMogwai · 05/08/2021 12:36

@Vilanelle

Your relationship sounds lovely
Supportive comment 👍🏼

OP you deserve better and so do your kids. Hope you take some of the advice on this thread.

3scape · 05/08/2021 12:43

Run. This sounds an utterly shit relationship

MasterBeth · 05/08/2021 12:56

He is a cunt being a cunt.

Fairyliz · 05/08/2021 13:47

Wow I’ve been with DH 35 years and yes he may have rolled his eyes at me a few times, but he has never ever sworn at me not even once.
It’s not like he doesn’t swear, you should have heard him when he dropped a hammer on his toe.
I just find this really horrible, why would you stay with a man like this.

LordOfTheThings · 05/08/2021 14:15

He's a cunt. Pure and simple.

Furrydogmum · 05/08/2021 14:30

Record him every time, save it, leave him, listen to it when you waver, use it as evidence of abusive behaviour for the divorce.

BetsyBigNose · 05/08/2021 15:16

Oh my goodness - the way he is speaking to you is truly awful @WestIsBest21. How can you bear to have the man who is supposed to love you above all others talk to you like that? And when your children are in the house?

I really feel for you, it's totally unacceptable and has no place in a loving relationship. The fact that he's trying to be all "clever" by saying it's a comment on your behaviour rather than name calling is gaslighting - he IS calling you these names.

So that's your AIBU clearly answered - you're not in any way - so the question is now: what are you going to do about it?

RightYesButNo · 05/08/2021 16:08

Your husband is being abusive and that’s enough that nothing else about this matters, but since I think he’s destroyed your self-esteem enough that you need to know…

He’s wrong. Very wrong. From a logic standpoint. From a grammatical standpoint.

So maybe you didn’t take formal logic (or maybe you did). Either way, you’re a tiny bit familiar (all A are B, all B are C, therefore all A are C). Often a logical proof will start with, “If A=B,” and go from there. Here’s the problem. Let’s say A equals you. And B equals c*. He’s trying to say, “I didn’t say A=B. I tried to say A is being a B.” Well, if you say A is being B… that means you believe A is equal to B. Otherwise, you’re being very unclear and my logic teacher would have torn his hair out. So the first way your husband is wrong.

Now the second way. Grammatically. This is probably more important. Let’s take out you and the word c. Now, if someone says to someone else, “You are a paedophile,” that’s pretty clear. And if they say, “You are being a paedophile”… that doesn’t change the accusation. So why does your husband think it does in an argument? Maybe it’s different with the word stupid, I guess we could argue, since it’s a characteristic (though I have a different argument for that), but c is a noun, so it’s exactly the same as my example (you are a NOUN vs you are being a NOUN). So he’s wrong grammatically.

So if you need this for you, you have it. But it’s not about winning an argument, because he doesn’t really care about “you are” vs “you are being a;” he just thinks he has an excuse to say anything he wants. Your husband is cruel and abusive. Your children are (I can almost guarantee) pretending to sleep through the yelling. Maybe it’s time to call Women's Aid? Because you’re never a c*, and you’re never being one, either.

123becauseicouldntthinkofone · 05/08/2021 16:20

i would respond by saying he is the one 'behaving like a cunt' by thinking that is acceptable way to speak to you and you refund to live with someone who behaves like that so unless those words stop he is out the door. i really hope you dont have kids as he would be teaching them that this is an appropriate way to speak to you. Good luck x

Knittedfairies · 05/08/2021 16:25

You've asked him not to call you a certain name; it doesn't matter whether it's c*, or sweetie, or babe. You've asked him not to use it.

rainbowruthie · 05/08/2021 16:33

This is all so sad, he is absolutely vile, I am concerned that you seem to think this would all be acceptable if he apologised?
It really wouldn't
Sending you kind thoughts Flowers

igelkott2021 · 05/08/2021 16:38

If my DH called me anything like that he'd get a good slap! (and no, I am not joking, and yes, please start the virtue signalling about not using physical violence. If my husband called me the c word I would absolutely slap him).

And I wouldn't stay with someone like that who clearly has so little respect for me. There are some lines you don't cross. The c word is sooo nasty.

There is never any justification for that sort of language (and that includes on MN).

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 05/08/2021 16:46

This isn't linked to enough but here is a thread from the relationships board from way back in 2009, it is something you should read even if it is only the OP's message. MN thought it was so important that they made it the top thread on the relationships board

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

CheshireChat · 05/08/2021 16:58

My ex did this and also tried it at work and was appalled when no one agreed with him about how clever he's being.

He was and is abusive. And so is your husband I'm afraid

dworky · 05/08/2021 17:00

Verbal abuse will escalate to physical. Know that.

bluebeck · 05/08/2021 17:53

LTB

Were you brought up in an abusive household OP? I am trying to work out why you would stay in a situation like this or think it remotely normal Flowers

bleachblondemom · 05/08/2021 18:27

@WestIsBest21 are you ok? My abusive ex was exactly the same to me so it’s made me really worried for you.
Please please please leave him.

MadameKali · 05/08/2021 18:39

DH and I are very sweary and use the word cunt quite liberally in our discussions. I can categorically state that he would never ever call me any derogatory swear word in an argument. Please get out of this relationship. It is not healthy for you.

You don't have to put up with his behaviour. Anybody who uses words so viciously (and trying to dress it up in clever semantics) is not safe for you to be around. Please look out for yourself 💐

IonaLeg · 05/08/2021 19:39

I think if a fight involves that kind of name calling it’s a toxic relationship and it’s beyond saving.

I’ve been married for years and neither my husband or I have ever sworn at each other or called each other names. It simply has never and would never happen.

It’s not a good sign - you deserve better than someone who can’t disagree with you without wanting to hurt you.

HealthKick2021 · 05/08/2021 19:42

Take yourself and your children out of this toxic relationship. If you can't do it for yourself, then do it for those poor children.e