To think he is calling me a c*** and be upset by it?

[WestIsBest21]

When we argue (infrequently) he always resorts to name calling.

His favourite is to call me a c but he also likes d and a*.

He has decided b* is “demeaning to women” so he never uses that one.

I have told him, asked him and even begged him to stop calling me names. Especially c* which really upsets me. I’m not prude, I just think the word sounds so loaded and venomous when he says it.

He has agreed to stop using it. But he reneges on this when we fight.

Now, here’s the AIBU part… he is always careful to put two little words ahead of the names he calls me:

“Being a”

So never “you’re a c” always “you’re being a c”

He says this means it isn’t name calling, just a calm observation about how I’m behaving. I genuinely can’t see the difference.

I get so upset about the name calling that I often the drag the argument out a few hours longer than necessary. This might be unreasonable of me. But, I often feel so het up by the c* thing that the argument (for me) morphs into an issue over him calling me names.

I have never called him a swear during a fight. Ever.

So, is saying I’m “being a c” the same as calling me a c? I think it is. Hubby thinks this is unreasonable of me. AIBU???

Your husband is the cunt.

An manipulative cunt.

Of all the mumsnet cliché sayings..... give your head a wobble and leave the bastard!! He doesn't respect you!!

Absolutely unacceptable in my book OP! My DH will sometimes use the C word in conversation with another bloke, or when he's angry at someone, but NEVER once to me, and if he ever called me that or told me I was behaving like one, it would be the last time he called me anything, and we've been together 29 years. He knows it's a word I hate, and if he does say it in temper within my hearing, he ALWAYS apologises. Get rid of this disrespectful twat, and find a man that treats you with respect.

He says this means it isn’t name calling, just a calm observation about how I’m behaving. I genuinely can’t see the difference.

I get so upset about the name calling that I often the drag the argument out a few hours longer than necessary. This might be unreasonable of me.

Well, isn’t he a manipulative piece of shit? He knows exactly what he’s doing. He knows exactly how to wind you up to the point he can ‘calmly’ sit back and say ‘look at how you’re behaving, I’m right.’

That is a very toxic and miserable situation.

It shows a complete lack of respect and inability to have some self control. The word ‘cunt’ is being chosen carefully and specifically by him. You’ve told him it upsets you. He’s now at the point where he’s choosing to ignore that and call you a cunt anyway because it gives him some sort of release and allows him to test what he can get away with and what you’ll tolerate from him. His needs before yours. Shitty smug semantics and mind games. He sounds like he needs a serious final warning, OP as I don’t like what this is saying about his attitude towards you. If he does it again after you threaten to leave, then you have your answer as only an absolutely worthless man would say it again.

That’s disgusting and I’d be gone like a shot, that’s no way to talk to someone you love. Do you argue a lot? That’s also concerning! I couldn’t be in a relationship with constant rows. In almost 30 years we’ve probably had 10 big arguments.

You get one life, this is not the way it should be lived.

Why do you put up with someone treating you like this OP? This doesn't sound like a normal healthy relationship at all. Honestly I'd be so upset if my OH spoke to me like that.

Nah, what are you doing with him? He’s using semantics as a way to justify calling uou a cunt? Lovely bloke. Proper Prince amongst men you’ve got there.

And his behaviour last night? Which I’m sure isn’t the first, is just nasty. And now he won’t apologise. And kids were in th house? Sleeping?

Personally I’d be telling him this was the last time. Although to be honest I’d have been put a long time ago if my husband dared to call me a cunt.

There is not a chance I would stay with anyone that called me names.

Op, he has zero respect for you (and for all women I suspect) you can say to you are blue in the face that you want it to stop, but he never will, because he does not care about your feelings. That is painfully obvious.

At what point are you going to draw a line and say enough is enough?

How can you bear to look at him? Please find your strength and tell him to leave and mean every word of it. It is hard to think of a more offensive term and that says all you need to know about your relationship.

He sounds hideous. Why do you put up with it?

And please don't tell us he's a good father, a good partner, you love him, etc. A good father / partner doesn't act like that. I struggle to understand how anyone could love someone who treats them like this.

My ex was angry & abusive to me. I was afraid of him. I didn't love him & I knew it. I was just stuck, accustomed to the abuse, felt ashamed (!) of having got into that situation so I constantly excused his behaviour, & afraid of what would happen if I left. What happened was, life got better.

LTC (Leave the cunt)

Honestly, I can’t see how a relationship where he treats you like this could possibly have a future

I took myself off to bed last night to try and give him time to cool off. A couple of hours later, he stormed in, switched on all the lights and started yelling at me. He called me all the names. It was 2am and the kids were asleep down the hall, so I went off to sleep in the spare bed. It was awful. This morning he will not apologise.
He's escalated it - what a cunt! 😉
Seriously, OP, you need to be careful. The not apologising and carrying it overnight would worry me. I think you need to have a long hard look at your relationship. Even if now is not LTB time, my advice would be to have a leaving plan in place. It may not come to it but just knowing it is there, that you can leave, puts you in a much stronger position to protect both yourself and your DC.

I sit here happily single and often wonder why why why some women bother to be in relationships with these men. Honestly. The bar seems to be so low. It is not acceptable in any circumstance for someone who supposedly loves you to call you a (insert swear word) even if those words "you're being" are in front.
Name calling your partner signals a lack of respect. I would actually lose respect for my partner who couldnt control themselves and resorted to name calling instead of just talking something out. That would give me the "ick".
I also think that long term this kind of thing erodes your self-esteem. Take care

Leave him, for the children if not yourself.
Do you want them to think that being spoken to like that is okay?

To repeat the question.....WHY are you still with him??
26 years married and yes we argue but we don't scream, shout or use horrible name calling

I’m known for being quite a sweary person (that auto-corrected to sweaty there for a minute, which would have changed the context!) but have never sworn AT DH in our 21 years together. For him to continue using these words even after you have asked him not to if abusive.

He sounds fucking insane.

And abusive. Be careful, but please plan to leave him / kick him out.

Why are you with him. Gather up essentials and go.

even begged him to stop calling me names

Don't beg anyone for anyone. In a calm moment, tell them you don't like it and explain the consequences. Follow through.

Are there other parts of your relationship where you are begging for something that never happens. Please, don't do that to yourself.