Have there been times a man has made you feel scared without intending to?

[Famed101]

Walking home from walk from my volunteering job at the time when I was 19 so 6 years ago and it was pouring down with rain. I also had a part time shop assistant job during this time.
A man who always came into the shop and always made small talk with me pulled over and asked if I wanted a lift.

Stupid me didn't even think about it and got in his car. As soon as I sat in his car, I realised I should not have got in as I didn't know this man apart from the small talk.

I remember he closed the window and despite my home being a 10 minute drive away, I felt petrified.
I told him to drop me off at the local store as I needed to take cash out.

He dropped me off and all was fine.

He probably had totally innocent intentions but I remember suddenly entering his car and getting the creeps. Honestly I remember thinking "this is it".

I actually never told any of my friends or parents about getting in his car as I knew they would all think I was a massive idiot but even when I look back I think about how totally wrong getting in his car.couldve gone if he had bad intentions.

As a teenager I woke up to find my brothers friend in my bedroom, he had a bit of a thing for me and DB thought it would be an opportunity for his friend to talk to me. So off their faces on weed he let the friend in and showed him into my room while I was sleeping. I woke to find him sat on my bed stroking my hair. I screamed and threw him out, went nuts at DB, DM felt I was making a fuss over nothing.

@ControView

I'm guilty of the opposite. Some years ago I often used to ask strangers (of both genders) what they're good at. Some people declined to engage, but most did, and I got some interesting answers and conversations.

Usually I was on my bike, and I kept a safe distance from them, so they shouldn't unsafe. I was especially careful to do so when approaching women for obvious reasons.

Once however I asked a woman the above question, and she got really frightened. I tried to explain (from a distance) that I meant no harm, but she was just petrified and like please leave me. So I did, but I did feel bad for inadvertently frightening her.

I would be frightened if a stranger randomly asked me what I was good at.

I would wager many of the women who you felt were ok with it and who answered were actually being compliant and polite (as we are trained by society to be, for fear of being rude - as if that's the worst thing we could be even when uncomfortable) in the hope you'd then leave them alone. Some of them will have been eyeing up escape routes or looking to see if other people are nearby willing to make eye contact if they need help etc. It doesn't sound like you'd read those more subtle signals that someone is uncomfortable.

Did that woman being visibly frightened stop you ever doing that to anyone again? I hope so.

The only one that sticks out in my mind was many years ago when I got on the last train home after work late at night.
The carriage was deserted apart from just me and a lone man.
Five minutes into the twenty minute journey he started talking to himself really angrily.
Then he'd stop, look at me, turn away and continue with his angry tirade.
I was cowering in my seat with my hand in my bag on my pistol. ( Not in UK back then )
That was the longest twenty minutes of my life.

@OhGiveUp

The only one that sticks out in my mind was many years ago when I got on the last train home after work late at night. The carriage was deserted apart from just me and a lone man. Five minutes into the twenty minute journey he started talking to himself really angrily. Then he'd stop, look at me, turn away and continue with his angry tirade. I was cowering in my seat with my hand in my bag on my pistol. ( Not in UK back then ) That was the longest twenty minutes of my life.

This just shows how backwards the UK is when it comes to gun laws. I imagine having a gun in your bag gave you more confidence that at least you could attempt to defend yourself if he kicked off.

In the UK, the best "weapon" we have is our keys lol! Not exactly the same thing when it comes to protection ourselves.

(Before someone says "but if we have guns the men will too" - true, but I'd rather be in a confrontation with both of us having a firearm, than me having my keys and the man having a knife or container of acid.)

@ChainJane The only protection I'm afforded here in the UK is as you say, my keys, however I keep an impulse spray in my hand too if I have to walk alone at night, in the vain hope that I can actually hit him in the eyes with it.
I'd probably miss, but at least he'd smell nice.

There’s only one occasion when I think I was actually at risk. Some random bloke started staring at me in the street and then he started to follow me. It was obvious I’d noticed him because I kept glancing back, I hurried away and thought I’d lost him. But on the next corner I bumped into him head-first because when I scarpered he’d obviously gone the other way round the block to cut me off! Thankfully there was a lady going into a house nearby, so I ran over and said loudly “I’m here Aunty Barbara! (this man is following me). Thankfully she said “Oh hello Sarah (not my name), come in and I’ll put the kettle on. We went inside and watched out the window as this man walked away around the corner... then a few minutes later he came back round the corner to see if I was coming. Obviously he had gone round the corner to lie in wait! In the end I had to call a taxi.

This thread is disturbing. Like eveb in our own experience we are giving them the benefit of the doubt and talking yourselves out of what happened by telling yourself it was unintentional.

Is this our car now? That any man approaching a lone female in the middle of the night in badly lit areas can't possibly be expected to think to themselves " yeah this is just gonna scare her?" Even when the reason they claim to be following you is because they want to see you home safe?

It doesn't add up I'm.sorry but it just doesn't. There doesn't have to have been physical altercations for it to count.

Anyway I've had this a few times as I walk home alot at night on my own.

I had a man dressed all in black running gear just run past me really close to me. I jumped out my skin ( had headphones in so didn't hear him approach) and at that precise moment a police car drove by. I'll never know if something would have happened or not.

I was walking home one night and I have to downn a strip of road that's really badly lit. I could just about make out a man stood randomly in the middle of the path looking at his phone. Needless to say I crossed over and went round.

I've been followed a few times and had lots of random people approach me ir sit next to me on the bus I'm a bit of a weirdo magnet.

One time I was walking home from a mates house. He had offered to walk me home. So we were walking along someone approached us asking if we'd seen someone. I said we hadn't and carried on walking. Next thing I know my mate had grabbed me, hard and pulled me across the road . I asked him wtf he was doing and he claimed those people looking fir the girl were going to jump us so he'd grabbed me and was dragging me back to his. I have nk idea if he was right or not but we went back akd called a cab.

I.once had a police officer approach me late at night on his own and me on my own I was sat on a bench by a park.

He took my bottle of water off me to check it wasn't alcohol. Seemed a weird thing to do tbh. Approach lone females at midnight as if I'm not going to be concerned about that...seems most a set up to get an arrest cos many woukd have legged it or yelled ti fuck off in panic.

Probably but at the end of the day, it's impossible to know -- I'm not a mind-reader, so I can never know if a behaviour was deliberate or accidental.

I have to say also that there's a real problem.with friends and family etc telling us that we are making a fuss out of nothing , he didn't mean any harm, stop being paranoid, not all men etc

But, then when something happens jts our fault. Why did u walk. Why didn't you get a taxi. What are you wearing. You are too trusting Why did you let him walk you home etc

So our instincts are wrong, paranoid and offensive so we ignore them . Then we are victim blamed.

At no point are these men guilty of doing anything

I have to say also that there's a real problem.with friends and family etc telling us that we are making a fuss out of nothing
Yep. When I told my mum that story about the man following me, she said maybe he fancied you and wanted to ask you out? Really?!?! Even if he did fancy me that’s no excuse for scaring the shit out of me.

@ControView

I'm guilty of the opposite. Some years ago I often used to ask strangers (of both genders) what they're good at. Some people declined to engage, but most did, and I got some interesting answers and conversations.

Usually I was on my bike, and I kept a safe distance from them, so they shouldn't unsafe. I was especially careful to do so when approaching women for obvious reasons.

Once however I asked a woman the above question, and she got really frightened. I tried to explain (from a distance) that I meant no harm, but she was just petrified and like please leave me. So I did, but I did feel bad for inadvertently frightening her.

Are you female? It would make a difference to my response.

As a pp says, women you approach in this way may we’ll have felt uncomfortable and be answering to diffuse the situation, not because they wanted to.

’This thread is disturbing. Like eveb in our own experience we are giving them the benefit of the doubt and talking yourselves out of what happened by telling yourself it was unintentional.’

This ^ Even the OP.

This thread has reminded me of a few occasions! Once I was living in a dodgy high rise block of flats in a not very nice part of London and one night there was an urgent knock at the door. I looked through the peephole and saw a dodgy-looking young man, so I backed away from the door and pretended not to be in. He knocked again, more urgently this time but I just sat in silence, terrified. Next thing I know, he posted something through the letterbox - it was my keys! I’d accidentally left them in the keyhole and he was knocking to give them back to me!

Another time I was walking home down a dark street , it was only about 6pm but winter and the street lights had broken so it was dark and I could just about make out the figures of two hooded young men ahead of me, lurking around.

I knew I’d have to walk past them and steeled myself for getting past as quickly as possible. As I got closer they started to approach me and I assumed I would be mugged…when one of them pulled down his hood and said “alright Conker?” ! It nearly gave me a heart attack, but it was my friendly neighbour and his mate who were out doing running training together and had stopped for a rest!

Sometimes when I am walking my dog in the park and it is quiet, I will pass a man walking alone and feel slightly uncomfortable. It doesn't help if they say 'hello' either.

I expect they feel as bad as I do but there is always the possibility something may happen.

I try not to walk too late but there are times during the day when this happens. An overactive imagination never helps in situations like this and I think all sorts of things such as "where is his dog" ? I know... not everyone has a dog............

I remember as a teenager waiting upstairs for my dad in a shopping centre on around the 4th floor, he text me to say he was getting in the lift so I went to meet him. Only a young girl came out, and my dad arrived in the next one.
I asked him why and he said he hadnt wanted her to feel uncomfortable just the two of them (really dark old fashioned lift) so he waited for the next one.
I didnt get it at the time (youthful naivety) but now I do. I thought to just show that awareness was so lovely.

@SchrodingersImmigrant

No, it’s like only eating a ham sandwich before the ‘best before’ date, because even though you might not get food poisoning from the old past best before ham sandwich it’s best to take precautions to keep yourself safe.

Years ago I was driving out of a country park when a man driving in at the same time sort of did a double take and started staring at me. He U turned and was behind me. I lived about 3 miles away and whatever way I turned he went too, every time I indicated he did just after. When I got a few minutes from home I didn't want him knowing where I lived so I sped up to get ahead then did a quick left up a side road. This road had a small roundabout and I quickly went right round it, just in time to see him start going round it looking all round like he was looking for me. Luckily I lost him but I always wondered why he was following me and what he would've done.

Most recently I was walking up some terraced side roads, it was daytime but not a great area and no one else around so I was feeling quite vigilant. Heard footsteps behind me and was aware of someone approaching from behind. They got closer and closer until I could practically feel them breathing down my neck. I turned and asked loudly if they would like to get past. It was a man with his head down and hood up, he just muttered thanks then went round me and into a park. I don't think he was any danger but just had a staggering lack of personal space and self awareness!

In my late teens coming back through an alley way from my friends house at night,it was a short cut as we lived one street away.
Saw a man stood behind a wall,shit myself.He was having a piss and apologised for making me jump.

I was at a house party, quite pregnant with my youngest, and had had a small glass of wine and was quite tired. My friend had set her room aside for me so I went to bed. Next thing I know there was a very drunk man in the room and I was really confused. I said to him the room was taken but he was all for falling asleep on the bed. Thankfully, a friend of his, not someone I knew, saw him come in and came and got him. He was really apologetic, as was the drunken man. My dh was furious. I did feel a bit scared as I didn't know what this person might try to do.

I did this once while working in a pub. I was 17 It was snowing and I didn't want to drive my tiny car in the snow having passed my test that week.
A regular offered to drop me home. He drove like a race car driver, I was petrified. My dad gave me a bollocking when I got home and said he would have happily picked me up.

Yes, I had to inform someone at work that I was putting him into disciplinary. He was a tall large fit man a few years older than me, as I explained why i was putting him into disciplinary I actually felt physically scared, I genuinely thought he’d hurt me if he could.

I don’t think he intended to make me feel physically scared, but I just got this impression he was thinking of really hurting me and I’d basically sensed it.

He was also a different culture to me, where women are submissive to men, so having a female boss, who was putting him in disciplinary procedures was difficult for him.

First and only time I’ve felt scared, it was fine as in th office, and I don’t think he intended me to know, he wasn’t being threatening, but I genuinely think that’s what was going through his mind that day in my office.

This just shows how backwards the UK is when it comes to gun laws. I imagine having a gun in your bag gave you more confidence that at least you could attempt to defend yourself if he kicked off.

Or it shows how sensible the gun laws are here. Yes, there are risks that something could kick off, but this thread is about whether you've ever been inadvertently frightened by a man. I think it's a good thing we are less at risk of being shot when out and about.

There are a lot of idiotic neighbours and colleagues who could be at risk just because they didn't realise what they were doing would cause fear rather than amusement. And I think a lot of them don't realise, because to them, a neighbour coming by in the dark and saying hello is a good thing, not a threat to them. They know they don't mean harm, and don't stop to think how it could appear to the person on the receiving end.

""Kanaloa:

And the fact that ‘most people’ aren’t out to do harm is totally irrelevant. Most people don’t need to have sinister intentions, just one needs to. And we don’t know which one the bad one is, so it is sensible to be careful and aware when in a vulnerable situation."

That's like being scared of eating because one in thousand ham sandwiches may give you food poison. An you don't know which one. And it could kill you"

Bollocks is it. You can be wary of a man who's following you on a dark night, without being scared of every man you see on a Wednesday lunchtime in Tesco.

If we go with your sandwich analogy, I can carry on eating and enjoying ham sandwiches, but if one of them smells like it's going off, I'm not going to risk it.

This just shows how backwards the UK is when it comes to gun laws. I imagine having a gun in your bag gave you more confidence that at least you could attempt to defend yourself if he kicked off.

Yes because it would so much better to accidentally shoot an innocent man for inadvertently startling me on a deserted street

Look at the mess America is in with guns. I think our gun laws are fine as they are.