To think that 'middle class' parents get away with murder

[catfunk]

I grew up in a beautiful but modest part of the north with a fair amount of poverty and unemployment. Lots of families were under social services' care (?) police called out a lot, etc.

I now live in a fairly expensive city in the south, a fairly left wing liberal place where people party, lots of mums are 'trendy' types and generational wealth is quite common.

It struck me the other day that if the parents in my home town behaved like the parents in my current home there'd be real repercussions.
Noisy house parties whilst kids are in bed upstairs, parents getting drunk and staying out all night, recreational drug taking and being too hungover to do the school run. But it's ok because they're drinking champagne and expensive gin instead of tenants, and expensive cannabis tinctures instead of smoking resin?

None of the kids seem unhappy or affected and they do have lovely family times together of course but AIBU To think this is not fair ?

Ocean club is not a villa. It's blocks of apartments around Praia Da luz Where they were is a good 10 min walk through OC reception. You can't see ground floor apartments from the pool/bar area. They are shaded for privacy of the guests.

It's Portugal. It's a bar. People drink. Adults don't buy soft drinks there.

I used to be part of a social circle...I was the poor single mum and they were all wealthy couples. They all did coke but I didn't. I was rejected in the end. All their marriages/ friendships imploded because of the drugs.
I did find it a bit falling when they tried to lecture me on parenting.

@WombatChocolate you reap what you sow...

Galling*

@malificent7 you sound better off without them

Too short trousers are not a trigger, although if the family is on pupil premium, it might trigger an offer of free uniform. If Hugo regularly came to school reeking of BO, had greasy hair, filthy clothes and dried snot on his face every day, then no amount of talk about skiing would deflect from that.

What pearls of wisdom did they proffer? @malificent7

Poor Hugo

Old clothes with holes in are viewed in the same way though as your children are evidently active and climbing trees, rolling around in mud - the wear and tear is what puts the holes in the clothes!

Unfortunately it works the other way round too. Kind primary teacher had to give me a heads up that my child was attracting attention as too clean, polished, and well presented daily for our situation.

My ingrained habit of automatically darning chewed sleeves and carefully polishing shoes was seen as 'hiding something' in a MC school and daily nit combing as excessive. Many (unfairly) blamed nits as originating from us and their inability to control them as being down to lazy Au pairs.

@Goldenbear

Old clothes with holes in are viewed in the same way though as your children are evidently active and climbing trees, rolling around in mud - the wear and tear is what puts the holes in the clothes!

Not necessarily. It might signify that you can't afford to replace them, that they're hand me downs many times over. Clothes also develop wear and tear just from general use so it can signify that they are very old and ready to be replaced rather than that they were recently new and have been through a lot of tree climbing and mud rolling.

Lets face it , parents are so judgy!

As for pearls of wisdom:
8 is too young for a sleepover.
40£ pocket money a month is too much for a teen.

( but apparently taking coke at home with kids about is fine).

Yes, they are certainly not newly bought clothes but it's not about affordability. My DS had jumpers from my DH'S childhood that had a few holes in but they were a hand knitted gift from a relative in Sweden and they were kept for their family value. It wasn't neglect.

@Bryonyshcmyony. I would expect them to remain sober enough to look after their own kids and prevent them from being injured. To state the obvious, just because you are somewhere which sells alcohol does not mean you need to get pissed. In terms of middle class. The clientele included bankers, doctors, lawyers and accountants.

I honestly agree with the comments that if the McCanns were perceived to be working class, their other children would have been removed.

I do feel very sorry for them. They exercised poor judgement, but the chance of that outcome were very remote; and they have paid an absolutely terrible price

@LaraDecouvrie - if you think less well off people have their children removed from them by social services so incredibly easily, how do you explain the death of Baby P?

Well yes Walkaround, it doesn't seem to compute.in people's head when they make that claim. The whole "if they'd been working class the other children have been removed" really does show ignorance of what it takes for a child to be removed.

SS may be involved in MC families, seemingly, less than in WC families but as pointed out multiple times because its easier to hide or where children might be neglected due to parental behaviour MC families general can afford to pay for the care and negating (physical) neglect, where as poorer families cannot and the neglect happens.

@Brainwave89 - and if you had worked in a pub in a working class area, you think the drunk parents would have been more apologetic to you?! Or that you would have reported them to social services yourself if you had been in a more working class area, but somehow felt unable to do so while working in your posh bar??

A middle class parent has an innate sense of confidence that they can send their child to nursery in holey leggings and a tomato-stained top and it'll be seen as 'well it's only nursery, makes sense when their clothes will get wrecked there anyway!'. A working class parent tends to be more cautious in case it's perceived differently.

I think this is true. We live in a fairly MC area and may come across as MC due to jobs etc. I wouldn’t be too fussed about DD looking immaculate for nursery, and although her clothes were washed etc if clothes still had little holes or paint stains that hadn’t washed out I would still have sent her to nursery in them, as they get ruined anyway. But in the WC area I’m from, kids tend to wear immaculate clothes (often designer) as people are a bit more conscious of what others think about how they dress their children

@LaraDecouvrie

A middle class parent has an innate sense of confidence that they can send their child to nursery in holey leggings and a tomato-stained top and it'll be seen as 'well it's only nursery, makes sense when their clothes will get wrecked there anyway!'. A working class parent tends to be more cautious in case it's perceived differently.

I think this is true. We live in a fairly MC area and may come across as MC due to jobs etc. I wouldn’t be too fussed about DD looking immaculate for nursery, and although her clothes were washed etc if clothes still had little holes or paint stains that hadn’t washed out I would still have sent her to nursery in them, as they get ruined anyway. But in the WC area I’m from, kids tend to wear immaculate clothes (often designer) as people are a bit more conscious of what others think about how they dress their children

Yes. And then get judged for wasting money on 'designer baby gear' while on low incomes!

[quote Walkaround]@LaraDecouvrie - if you think less well off people have their children removed from them by social services so incredibly easily, how do you explain the death of Baby P?[/quote]
Social services were probably scared of the family. So did nothing. And were probably picking on some family who did not need them. Whilst doing nothing about baby P.

But yes children who probably need help from social services do slip through the net . But also we can't forget there are lots of children who get abused whilst in the care system.

I honestly agree with the comments that if the McCanns were perceived to be working class, their other children would have been removed

I thought mumsnet was supposed to be full of intelligent people?

LaraDecouvrie But Wc parents do have to be more aware (not designer, just well kempt) because everyone often including schools and social workers punches down on others, and once people start trying to create a picture from bits they will try to make things into evidence to fit their ideas no matter what the truth is.

Can you imagine a Mc parent being accused of 'hot housing' for taking their child to Kumon?

I mean, in the awful cases when children (from wc homes) have been playing unsupervised out of the home and have then been abducted and murdered, we don't see SS popping round to take their other kids into care?

@Walkaround
if you think less well off people have their children removed from them by social services so incredibly easily, how do you explain the death of Baby P?
That was in 2006 FGS - average of 62 children are thought to be killed in a year in the U.K from abuse or neglect. I spose because there weren't screaming headlines those don't count.
Unfortunately the screaming headlines over BBy P and the destroying of several Peoples careers by a public baying for blood has probably resulted in the rules being changed and many children now being removed into care for minor accidental injuries and mothers being jailed. That's what happens when people no longer reason sensibly but react emotionally. Unfortunately today's MPs bow to the loudest ranter.