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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I tell her that he cheated?

119 replies

Namechange125 · 31/07/2021 23:35

Me and my friend had a one night stand almost 2 years ago, I then found out I was pregnant and we decided to keep the baby, Dd is now 10months. We are still good friends and we have a good co parenting relationship. He got into a relationship with a woman about a year ago.

Yesterday, me and my friend went out for drinks, he'd already booked a hotel room but I didn't think anything of it. We were tipsy and he asked me back to his room, I asked about his partner and he told me they'd split up. We had sex and then went to sleep. This morning, I woke up at about 8 and his partner was calling him, and she called him about 3 times. So they hadn't broken up.

Wibu to tell her that he cheated?

OP posts:

Mymapuddlington · 01/08/2021 13:46

Don’t have feelings but risked your co parenting for a quick shag?

PippiStocking · 01/08/2021 14:00

@WomanStanleyWoman

*Have you never been out for a drink with someone? Or had a conversation? 😂😂😂 This is her friend of long-standing who she co-parents with, why would their conversation need to revolve around his love life. The whole scenario is totally plausible to me. Maybe you’re just out of touch?*

Oh come on - be serious. If I went for a night out with a ‘long-standing friend’ and they didn’t tell me they’d split up with their partner, I’d find that pretty weird. It doesn’t have to be the only topic of conversation, but the idea that it’s somehow laughable that it would even come up? I think YOU’RE the one that’s out of touch.

I’m not one of these posters judging the OP for who she wants to sleep with, but I’m also not going to believe she had no inkling sex was on the menu. She really didn’t even think to ask about the girlfriend before heading to the hotel room?

The original poster who I responded to asked ‘what on earth they would have spoken about’ if they weren’t talking about his girlfriend (with a

confused face thrown in).

Clearly there are plenty of other topics they might have covered. It’s not a given it would come up.

She might even have wondered how things were going with his girlfriend but not brought it up if he didn’t?

Maybe her name was even mentioned and she just got a vibe he didn’t want to talk about her? Who knows.

The point was there’s a whole load they could discuss aside from who he was shagging. People have other stuff to talk about, and at the very least you have to accept that not everyone will be like you.

I didn’t say it was laughable it would come up (it might), I’m saying the suggestion they wouldn’t have anything else to talk about is bizarre.

EmeraldShamrock · 01/08/2021 14:01

I asked about his girlfriend when he asked me back to his hotel room and he told me that they had split u
So why the need to tell her if you trust him, and haven’t reconfirmed it is over?
She could be calling for any reason, unless you know he is lying of course.
Why haven’t you asked exfwb why she called instead of wondering if she should know when they're not together.
Apparently.

minnimiss · 01/08/2021 15:51

Ask him again? "You told me last night that you had split up with your girlfriend, I would really like to know if that is true" Then while I wouldn't go to her and say anything, if she comes to you and asks you, I wouldn't lie.

And don't sleep with him again if he has lied to you.

Planty13 · 01/08/2021 16:05

I am usually always on the side of thing but you need to prioritise your co parenting relationship here. But for one he is NOT your friend. He lied to you to get you into bed. Her obviously planned it by booking a room.

Keep it all strictly business from now on OP

tinglymint · 01/08/2021 16:07

Whether you knew he had a girlfriend or not, at the very least don't you think sleeping with him is opening up a massive can of worms that directly affects your child?

DiscordandRhyme · 01/08/2021 16:13

I wouldn't tell her.

If you were friends that would be different but as I can tell you are not.

What I would do though is stop being such a good friend to this man and keep contact about your child.

Because he's not a good guy. He betrayed his girlfriend and he also manipulated and lied to you, so he's not a good friend either.

So yes I'd keep things purely about your DD from now on.

WomanStanleyWoman · 01/08/2021 16:23

Clearly there are plenty of other topics they might have covered. It’s not a given it would come up.

Isn’t it? I’m not saying the whole evening’s conversation should have been about him and his girlfriend, but do people really spend a whole evening with a purportedly close friend without so much as a basic ‘How’s Kate?’ or similar?

People have other stuff to talk about, and at the very least you have to accept that not everyone will be like you.

Im sure they do, and I’m sure you’re right that not everyone is like me. But I don’t think there’s anything particularly unusual about thinking that a relationship break-up just might have come up in conversation - and that there’s something slightly off about it only coming up when the offer of a shag in a conveniently placed hotel room came up.

AlternativePerspective · 01/08/2021 16:31

But we don’t know that he lied to the OP do we? All we know is that the OP agreed to meet up for a shag (you don’t meet up on the promise of staying in a hotel if you aren’t up for a shag,) and then when the gf (or ex gf) rang this morning OP jumped to the conclusion that he’d lied to her.

She said herself she hadn’t mentioned the girlfriend to him, so there is absolutely nothing to suggest that he and the GF were together.

Added to which, the OP met up with this bloke, was clearly up for a shag, and only (apparently) enquired at the last minute that he’d split up with the GF. So she was entirely prepared to be the OW anyway.

PippiStocking · 01/08/2021 17:54

@WomanStanleyWoman

I don’t think there’s anything particularly unusual about thinking that a relationship break-up just might have come up in conversation

That’s exactly what I said in my post ☺️👍

Genegenieee · 01/08/2021 18:00

My friends ex gf calls him all time of day and night - are you sure she's still his gf?

Wishes2020 · 01/08/2021 19:17

I think you’ve done quite enough already.

Ginger1982 · 01/08/2021 21:32

Does he live far away? Why did he need a hotel room? Why couldn't he just go home?

WomanStanleyWoman · 01/08/2021 23:04

I think we all know why he needed a hotel room.

Vaccinateeverything · 02/08/2021 05:17

It does sound complicated but don’t let these ‘nay sayers’ be so negative to you.
If you want to sleep with someone and they want to sleep with you, then you guys do you! You’re both grown adults and it sounds like you had fun!
I wouldn’t tell the gf, however. Their relationship is not really your business.
They might be polyamourous for all you know, and if you go butting in, you’ll really have egg on your face then and might end up causing more problems. As long as both of you consented, IMO you, personally, havnt done anything wrong.
I would just chill, and enjoy what you had/have with your Fwb/coparent

Sarcobaleno · 02/08/2021 05:25

Don't say anything. Your priority needs to be a good relationship with him for the sake of your baby. You don't know what is going on with their relationship but you don't sound remotely bothered by him so don't jeopardise harmony for the sake of a shag.

Ginger1982 · 03/08/2021 17:46

@WomanStanleyWoman

I think we all know why he needed a hotel room.

Well indeed, but I was interested as to OP's view on that...

Lurcherloves · 03/08/2021 21:53

No I wouldn’t it would ruin your relationship with him and any potential for it to develop. No one wants a relationship with a bunny boiler and to tell the ex is on that kind of vibe. You knew he was with or just split up with her so no shock to you that she was on the scene
Don’t sleep with him again though it sounds far to easy for him to do what he wangs

Lurcherloves · 03/08/2021 21:53

*wants

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