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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I tell her that he cheated?

119 replies

Namechange125 · 31/07/2021 23:35

Me and my friend had a one night stand almost 2 years ago, I then found out I was pregnant and we decided to keep the baby, Dd is now 10months. We are still good friends and we have a good co parenting relationship. He got into a relationship with a woman about a year ago.

Yesterday, me and my friend went out for drinks, he'd already booked a hotel room but I didn't think anything of it. We were tipsy and he asked me back to his room, I asked about his partner and he told me they'd split up. We had sex and then went to sleep. This morning, I woke up at about 8 and his partner was calling him, and she called him about 3 times. So they hadn't broken up.

Wibu to tell her that he cheated?

OP posts:
omgthepain · 01/08/2021 08:56

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pommepommefrites · 01/08/2021 08:56

This is the type of stuff that gives male/female heterosexual "platonic" friendships a bad name...you're not friends. I'm all for telling gf of cheater but in this instance no. You knew what you were doing in the first place but have taken offence because your "bff" lied to you. It's on him to tell his gf, you need to put your daughter first, this mess will get really embarrassing if it continues.

Ninja21 · 01/08/2021 09:00

You and him need to sit down for an honest conversation about where you both stand.

Either one or other of you has stronger feelings than the other and one of you will get hurt, OR you both just fancied a quick get-together only which needs to be nipped in the bud now for the sake of your daughter, OR you both have real feelings for each other so you need to either be together for real or put a stop to it now...you both need to be sure for the sake of your daughter.

If it's the latter I'd bear in mind that he's someone who has lied to you in order to get you to have sex with him and is also a cheater. But of course it may be that he's been majorly in love with you from the start and you can live happily ever after...only the two of you can know this.

I think you need to be honest with yourself about your intentions both last night and your actions going forward as in all honesty I think you're behaviour was a little silly.

She deserves to know but I don't think it should be you who tells her.

MuddyStiletto · 01/08/2021 09:07

He's playing you like he's playing her
You need to have a think about boundaries

RampantIvy · 01/08/2021 09:17

He sounds like a "catch"

Thehop · 01/08/2021 09:19

Aquamarine1029
FFS, use your brain. You really want to throw a grenade into the relationship you have with your child's father? Start being more sensible and stop sleeping with your ex.

This is spot on

Tal45 · 01/08/2021 09:26

I'd ask him straight up if he lied about still being in the relationship and if he still is then I'd suggest to him that he should tell his GF as she doesn't deserve to be treated like that. Then I'd stay well away from him apart from for dd as he's a liar and a cheat.

However they may have split very recently and she might be messaging over and over for some reason because of that so I would definitely speak to him about it before doing anything.

Birkie248 · 01/08/2021 09:28

Don’t tell her, your good relationship for the sake of your child is worth more than that.
Also stop ‘going out’ with him, stop sleeping with him for the exact same reasons. You are fucking up your decent co parenting relationship.

icelollycraving · 01/08/2021 09:28

Jesus, these replies are depressing. I’d expect them from my mum or perhaps some men.
You have a decent co parenting relationship with your friend. I’d not tell the gf but I would say to him that with all the calls, you assume they are together. That has made you feel a bit off.

SafeMove · 01/08/2021 09:30

The AIBU isn't a 'AIBU for sleeping with my ex/father of my child' ffs. It is up to the OP, as an adult with self determination, to decide who she has sex with and when. She isn't asking about the reasonableness of the choice to have sex or for the prehistoric and hysterical, pearl clutching uninvited judgements being given. She is asking if she should let someone know that she had sex with someone they are in, or have until very recently been in, a relationship with. OP - I would wait, don't make a decision either way re telling or not telling. Just wait. I am not sure you have the full picture so revealing it might do you more harm than good at this point.

brittleheadgirl · 01/08/2021 09:32

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Wjevtvha · 01/08/2021 09:32

@Mummybasketball, @RyanAirVeteran @omgthepain maybe she just wanted to have sex and as she trusted he wasn’t in the relationship why shouldn’t she?

Wjevtvha · 01/08/2021 09:33

Honestly though OP I don’t think I would tell the girlfriend; you need to co parent with him and it’s already going to be difficult enough with him destroying any trust

vivainsomnia · 01/08/2021 09:36

You were friends with benefits, and that's what you still are. You are friends, have a good co-parenting relationship which is a blessing, why would you want to ruin it all by going to tell on him? Surely she is going to guess and find out anyway, so what is your incentive?

If the issue is that you have feelings for him that aren't reciprocated, use this event as the confirmation that you really are only a FWB and don't sleep with him again. Keep your relationship as co-parenting and don't mug the waters or it will only end in problems and your child will be the one paying the consequences.

Mummybasketball · 01/08/2021 09:58

[quote Carrotca]@Mummybasketball you're far too invested in this Grin get over yourself.

Obviously the child is being looked after. And
"You got pregnant out of a serious relationship - remember he was just your friend, not a bf" - well there's Obviously some attraction there otherwise they wouldn't of had sex in the first place. You know, women are allowed sex for fun.[/quote]
Yes the attraction is a man knows he can get his dick wet.

Yeah sure women can have sex for fun, the result is have a child they have to bring up as a single partner, and make stupid decisions like sleep with the same guy for the same result.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 01/08/2021 09:58

So much judgement on this thread Shock including someone berrating you for having sex 'for fun' wtf?! Would it have been better to hand him a bill perhaps? Many giving the OP a hard time but she's not the one with the partner here.

OP don't tell his gf, you don't even know if he was lying since you haven't asked him and you have a good co-p relationship which is best for your child.

Might also be a good idea to sort out how you feel about each other as this situation has the potential to turn messy down the road.

CounsellorTroi · 01/08/2021 10:01

OP Did you take any precautions? Are you sure you’re not pregnant?

Mummybasketball · 01/08/2021 10:01

@Hellodarknessmyoldpal

So much judgement on this thread Shock including someone berrating you for having sex 'for fun' wtf?! Would it have been better to hand him a bill perhaps? Many giving the OP a hard time but she's not the one with the partner here.

OP don't tell his gf, you don't even know if he was lying since you haven't asked him and you have a good co-p relationship which is best for your child.

Might also be a good idea to sort out how you feel about each other as this situation has the potential to turn messy down the road.

When the result is a child, yes it’s dumb and stupid.
PurpleOkapi · 01/08/2021 10:06

Are you 100% sure that they hadn't split up? Her calling him doesn't exactly prove they're together.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 01/08/2021 10:08

@Mummybasketball that was the result two years ago, nothing much can be done about that and presumably neither parent would want to change that now. Conception isn't based on wether she had fun or not!

Mummybasketball · 01/08/2021 10:09

[quote Wjevtvha]**@Mummybasketball, @RyanAirVeteran @omgthepain maybe she just wanted to have sex and as she trusted he wasn’t in the relationship why shouldn’t she?[/quote]
Because the last time that happened she had a baby.
Secondly, the whole “oh I didn’t think it was weird he booked a hotel”. As one of you need to look after the child, I’m really perplexed by the situation. Sure a grandparent could be looking after the child but why are you believing OPs “oh I was so helpless” in this situation when she’s clearly not.

BakewellGin1 · 01/08/2021 10:12

God the attitude of some posters.

You were friends with benefits - ended up pregnant, manage to co parent said child..

Maybe the OP had sex with this person as despite not being in a relationship he is someone she is comfortable with and rightly or wrongly chose to trust

She hopefully takes precautions to avoid getting pregnant...

OP if he has lied and has a gf then yes you need to avoid this happening again, however you chose to trust what he was telling you. If he has a girlfriend then he is not the kind of person you want any form of relationship with.

I'm sure the child was being well looked after...

People do have sex outside of full in relationships and many do so by taking appropriate precautions.

OP you need to talk to him, sort this mess out and if he has a girlfriend stay out of that. The main priority is he parents his child well.

newnortherner111 · 01/08/2021 10:12

I'm sorry you believed his lies.

DamnUserName21 · 01/08/2021 10:14

@TheSkatesOfCoachBombay

No stay out of it, concentrate on the positive co-parenting relationship you have.

Sour it now and the next 18 years of your life could become very very difficult.

This.
AlternativePerspective · 01/08/2021 10:15

The fact that she called him isn’t proof that they’re still together though is it?

And given you haven’t mentioned her to him you clearly have no idea whether they’re still together or not, but you want to tell her that he’s having sex with you? Hmm

TBH this sounds more spiteful than anything else. How dare he receive phone calls from his ex, never mind that he went out with you, another of his ex’s.

Is it because you have feelings for him?