Over not sharing bedroom with dsd

[Dustydolly]

Don't know of I'm being a complete over reacting drama queen here or if my dp is being twatty disney dad.

10 year old Dsd has come to stay for 2 weeks, she shares a room here with her step sibling, has a bed with space for her belongings etc. But she has insisted on sleeping in a blow up bed in my and dps bedroom.

This has been happening quite a lot over the past couple of months, she's woken up in the night saying she's had a nightmare or doesn't feel too well and wants to get in our bed, personally I'm not comfortable sharing a bed with dsd so on these occasions I'll swap beds with her however tonight she has come and said she's staying in our room for the whole 2 weeks. I tried to talk to dp about this and said no, she should be sleeping in her bed and I'm not happy to sleep in a bottom bunk for 2 weeks, Well guess where I am because dsd got her way and dp has just ignored my feelings on it, I suppose it annoys me even more because if my ds (not his child) tries climbing in our bed or there's any mention of him sleeping anywhere but in his bed, in his room, dp throws a hissy fit and says absolutely not, he's in his bed and that's that.
AIBU or is he?

[Twoforthree]

Tbh I sort of sympathise with dd. It’s a phase. She’s not going to be still wanting to do it when she’s 14. The more you show your displeasure, the
longer she’s likely to do it, either for emotional reasons or manipulative ones. She is the interloper in your established family, she’s away from her main home, and that can’t be easy.

However in private, I’d not be happy with dps attitude. If you have move out for dsd, then he affords your ds the same courtesy when he needs it.

[DancesWithTortoises]

@Chloemol

Just tell him you and your child are co sleeping in your room for the two weeks, he and his child can have the bunk beds

He also needs to find out why she is suddenly behaving like this

This. Bloody cheek. She's a child, she sleeps where she's told.

[custardbear]

Can't he d sleep on the blow up mattress next to her bed?

[SallSall]

Does your step child have anxiety - these are real mental health issues which may be why she is asking to sleep in our room /bed?

[ChrissyPlummer]

Fuck that. Leave, it won’t get better (I speak from experience).

[MrsToothyBitch]

I think he needs to go to her. Will be interesting to see how supportive he is/whether or not it stops after a few nights of her staying in her own bed and him on the floor. If your Dd is around then obviously they should decamp to the living room- if that means putting up an air bed at 3am, tough.

It sounds like your Dd isn't there enough to really cause issues, even if their sharing isn't ideal. I'm leaning towards either power play or a deeper issue on this one. If it's a deeper issue, it won't be resolved until it's out in the open. Your DP is only treating the symptom by pandering to her, he needs to seek the root cause.

[Diverseopinions]

OP. There are a lot of suggestions about your DP sleeping in one of the children's rooms with his daughter. What do you think of that - because you haven't addressed it? That would allow you to have the main adult bed to yourself and to have the convenience of being near to your belongings.

It will probably be hard for DSD to see your son enjoying so much of her dad's presence and time, which she does not get as continuously. And she is only ten years old.

The suggestions posted sound eminently sensible. The parent moves into the room of the child, if and when that youngster needs extra attention, love and reassurance. This would address the issue without any need to analyse whether child or father are to blame. And there would be no problem with the non-biological parent feeling, as some posters have considered, a little bit awkward about being in a bed overnight with a child who isn't related to them.

I wouldn't consider introducing a baby into this arrangement in its current phase. It is complex enough now and it sounds as though neither your son or your partner's daughter are happily emotionally secure with their family arrangement. It will need more time and work, perhaps, to get them to the stage of being so.

I don't think it is that easy, in reality, to save up for a bigger house. If you're buying, the price differential can be enormous between three and four bedrooms, say, and if renting, there is the supply issue, and then all the variables about location, and design of the house and whether it is what you want in other respects - to big a garden might become problem. You might be living for some time with the bedroom set-up which you've got now, and so it will be best to work on a solution along the lines that posters have suggested - e.g. biological parents sleeps in their child's room when the child needs reassurance.

[Darbs76]

I think he needs needs to tell her that’s her bed and she sleeps there. I’d be having a word with your husband though as to why it’s one rule for his child and another for yours, that’s not on.

[LunaAndHerMoonDragons]

@KatherineOfGaunt

Tell him that you and your DS will be in your room tonight and he and his DD can have the bunk beds? If he says no to that, ask him why is it okay for it to happen the other way round.

I think his reaction to this would be very illuminating.

[Newestname001]

@Dustydolly

We are saving for a bigger house as we do want each child to have a room of their own.

I've asked dp tonight why she won't sleep in her bed and all I get is a text from him "she doesn't want to"

OP this man is showing you how very little disregard he has for you (also a parent and co-contributor financially in your home).

Rather than just move to a larger home and tying yourself even more financially for the future, maybe you should consider whether this is truly someone you should have in your life and your children's lives? If you do want to stay with him (and I'd find it hard to stay in a relationship with someone who doesn't seem to care for me or my child) perhaps consider each having your own homes with your own children instead.

What are your children learning from this situation, I wonder?🌹

[BadNomad]

Clearly he's always going to put his own DD first, even when he shouldn't. Right now you don't even get a say in where she sleeps. You still have the teenage years to come.

Personally I'd get out now.

[datepanic]

He is being a twat.
It's your bed. You get to sleep in it.
DSD also has a bed. She sleeps in her bed. She is 10 years old and old enough to be sleeping in her own bed. Your DD is not there at the moment so she gets the room to herself.
If she is not able to sleep alone then her Dad goes into her room and sleeps there.
It is completely unfair that your DS is not allowed to sleep in your room if he wakes from a nightmare etc but DSD is allowed to waltz in and announce that she is sleeping there for 2 weeks.

[Muchmorethan]

Sod that!! Bloody hypocritical twat. So basically he sees your DS has a lesser being then his DD.

Who owns the house?

[nimbuscloud]

How long have you been together?

[HestersSamplerofCarrots]

If sharing with your daughter is the issue, then how about step daughter and your husband share the bunk beds for her stay and your daughter shares with you for the time she’s not with her dad?

(Not fair on your daughter but i think we all know both husband and step daughter will think you’re insane for even suggesting this so it won’t go anywhere. But in the depths of his outrage at being asked to leave his bedroom you can point out that that’s exactly what you’re being asked to do)

[Newestname001]

Oops - I meant how very little REGARD

[Starseeking]

@Aquamarine1029

Take the blinders off and accept what a shit relationship you're in. There is no fixing this level of imbalance. End this farce now and move on.

This entirely.

You can't accept being made to sleep on the bottom bunk because of a 10 year old (assuming no SEN), or to give up your own room like that, yet your own DS has to stay in his bed. The double standards are terrible.

If you can't stand up for you, stand up for your DS, as his treatment by your DP is unacceptable.

[Starseeking]

@Dustydolly

Dp thinks I should be fine sharing a bed/room with her, personally I'm just not.

I have taken her feelings into consideration hence why when she comes in the middle of the night upset I swap beds with her despite my ds not being allowed to do this, but she hasn't come in upset tonight, she walked through the door, put her stuff in our bedroom and claimed she was sleeping there for the next 2 weeks.

You need to tell her in no uncertain terms that that's not her decision to make, and she must go back to her own bedroom.

[CanYouNOTf]

I'd have no problem with my husband having a sleepover with my DSC. But they sure as shit wouldn't be doing it in our bed. He can go in the bunks, in the lounge or on the blow up in her room!

[ittakes2]

She is not kicking you out of your bed - you are moving out of your bed. She has asked to sleep on a blow up mattress for the two weeks. If a child wants to sleep with parents there is a usually a reason and its often linked to them wanting to feel safe so I would be focused on finding out what that reason is. Children don't choose to wake up from nightmares so if she is telling you she is having them why are you treating her like she is the villian here.

[Thewinterofdiscontent]

Why are you all living in the same house?

Surely it would be better for both sets of children to just stay with their respective parents in their own space and this is a non issue?

[ThinWomansBrain]

leave him to it.

Hotel or airbnb for a couple of weeks/rest of her stay while you make plans to leave.

[Rosebel]

You need to ask him why your son can't sleep with you but his daughter can. If he says he doesn't want to share with your son then ask why you should be happy to sleep with his daughter.
Like fuck would I give up my bed for a 10 year old. Tell your partner to stop being a knob and start fucking parenting. Is she still going to be allowed to kick you out of your bed when she's 12? 15? When does it stop?
But yes LTB and I never say that. He's bullying you and treating your son like he's worth less than his daughter. That's a terrible environment for your son to grow up in.
Put him first and leave.

[Mix56]

For 2 weeks you say ????
As pp said, "its not her decision to make".
You are not moving beds. This is your home, she can sleep on a blow up if she wakes with a nightmare. But she does not get to push you out like a cuckoo.
Shes 10 not 4 years old.
If she manages to get her own way now, the future looks like hell.
Your P can also choose to comfort her in another room.
Fuck that shit

[JesusIsAnyNameFree]

@EccentricaGalumbits

It's your son's main home and he has his own room.

Your DSD it's second home that she probably feels a visitor in and has to bunk in with someone else she may or not feel that comfortable with.

They're not really comparable situations are they?

How on earth does that have any bearing on whether or not he can have comfort when he has a nightmare? Why the flying fuck should OP's "D"P's daughter get comfort when she has a nightmare, if he can't?

No, OP, your partner is a shit. You and your son are second class citizens in your own home and you need to put an end to that. Now.