Over not sharing bedroom with dsd

[Dustydolly]

Don't know of I'm being a complete over reacting drama queen here or if my dp is being twatty disney dad.

10 year old Dsd has come to stay for 2 weeks, she shares a room here with her step sibling, has a bed with space for her belongings etc. But she has insisted on sleeping in a blow up bed in my and dps bedroom.

This has been happening quite a lot over the past couple of months, she's woken up in the night saying she's had a nightmare or doesn't feel too well and wants to get in our bed, personally I'm not comfortable sharing a bed with dsd so on these occasions I'll swap beds with her however tonight she has come and said she's staying in our room for the whole 2 weeks. I tried to talk to dp about this and said no, she should be sleeping in her bed and I'm not happy to sleep in a bottom bunk for 2 weeks, Well guess where I am because dsd got her way and dp has just ignored my feelings on it, I suppose it annoys me even more because if my ds (not his child) tries climbing in our bed or there's any mention of him sleeping anywhere but in his bed, in his room, dp throws a hissy fit and says absolutely not, he's in his bed and that's that.
AIBU or is he?

[cadburyegg]

YANBU and your DH is also being U

[Kanaloa]

Your stepdaughter isn’t a the problem here in the slightest. She is just a little girl.

Your husband is a huge problem. He is favouring one child of the family over another, creating double standards, undermining you and not supporting his daughter to sleep independently which clearly he expects as a behavioural standard from other children in the home. I don’t know what to suggest but it needs to start with your husband listening to you as an equal partner in the relationship, which from the sounds of him he won’t do.

[Guavafish]

Can they sleep in your DD room instead?

[radiosummer]

Pickachew because her feelings arent anything to do with that, it seems like a tit for tat as in the OP's son cant get into bed so her partner's daughter can't. It appears to be some kind of ownership of the bedroom which is ridiculous. In truth neither parents should be sharing a house at all until the children are fully grown and don't live there anymore. It isn't surprising that the daughter is feeling pulled from pillar to post and wanting some security if she has been forced to become part of another household. The father should have established stability with his daughter first before forcing her into a co-habiting situation just because he wanted a partner and the same goes for the OP. Its so sad for the children in these situations

[TeaAndBrie]

@radiosummer

Pickachew because her feelings arent anything to do with that, it seems like a tit for tat as in the OP's son cant get into bed so her partner's daughter can't. It appears to be some kind of ownership of the bedroom which is ridiculous. In truth neither parents should be sharing a house at all until the children are fully grown and don't live there anymore. It isn't surprising that the daughter is feeling pulled from pillar to post and wanting some security if she has been forced to become part of another household. The father should have established stability with his daughter first before forcing her into a co-habiting situation just because he wanted a partner and the same goes for the OP. Its so sad for the children in these situations

Oh wow

[PearPickingPorky]

The double standards of your DP (letting his DD do it but refusing to countenance your DS doing the same) are the thing which makes me day YANBU, he is.

What is his reason for the double standards when you point out it and ask why?

[SD1978]

Blow up mattress in the living room- fuck that. At that age that's more manipulation than anything- and your son doesn't get the same concessions made. How about you and your son get your bed- he can sleep with her in the bunk beds or in the living room.

[radiosummer]

Teaandbrie Why oh wow? Isnt it common sense to ensure your children are secure first before establishing a completely new household? People can have a perfectly good relationship without living together and involving the children in it.

[Mymapuddlington]

@radiosummer are you for real?
OP hasn’t said how long they’ve been together and it’s unreasonable to expect people to put their lives on hold until their children are adults. Even if her dad lived alone she’d still be pillar to post.

[TeaAndBrie]

@radiosummer

Teaandbrie Why oh wow? Isnt it common sense to ensure your children are secure first before establishing a completely new household? People can have a perfectly good relationship without living together and involving the children in it.

Your assumptions and judgement of the situation and split families is astounding.
You cannot and should not assume you know their situation or set up. You can also not assume that this little girl’s situation is genuinely distressing to her when the whole situation hasn’t been explained.

[MrsJackGrealish]

Get your DD in with you and kick your DP out into your DD's room with his DD.

Like fuck would someone boot me from my bed. She either sleeps in with your DD or your DP sleeps with her in your DD's room.

[Wolframhart]

Children don’t become siblings just because their parents decide to move in together. You can’t just impose that relationship. If she isn’t comfortable with the lack of privacy with someone who isn’t a member of her family, then that really should be respected.

[MorriseysGladioli]

As should the OP's discomfort at sharing a bed with her stepdaughter.

[lastcall]

Not on.

Tell your DH he can sleep on the floor of her room if he really feels its necessary to accommodate her 'need' to be in the same room as he is. You're not giving up your bed for her any more and you're not sharing your room with her.

[aiwblam]

Difficult. She may be frightened or used to sleeping in with her mum at hers. She may be desperate for attention from your dp. She may feel awkward in with your 15yo dd who she might not feel she knows well. Who knows. On the other hand, she may be a manipulative and possessive person - we all know these people exist and they don’t just become like this as adults - they’ll have been difficult as children.

Personally, if I did not suspect she was being manipulative, I would just sleep in the bottom bunk for the fortnight and leave your dp to it with her. I don’t really understand why people wouldn’t move beds. I’ve slept on a mattress on the floor and on the sofa as well hundreds of times over the years bringing up children and dogs and helping sick relatives. Once I slept on a plastic chair.

[Dustydolly]

I haven't meant to come across as I'm bashing dsd, I'm pissed off with my dp not her. Yes she can be a bit manipulative with her dad but she's 10 and pushing boundaries I get that.

I also get she may not always be comfortable sharing with my dd and as I said earlier it's not ideal, its not exactly always a picnic for my dd either but that's our situation at moment.

I've asked dp tonight why she won't sleep in her bed and all I get is a text from him "she doesn't want to"

[MorriseysGladioli]

So, do you have a plan?

[Growuppeople]

It’s only two weeks. He can have the bunk beds with DSD. DD in with you

[QueenBee52]

Do NOT buy a house with this Man...

and repeat ...

[LanisHouseLot]

Surely he could put the airbed down next to her bed and sleep there whenever she has a nightmare or 'doesn't want' to sleep alone? Perhaps not when your own 15 year old DD is there too, but as she isn't at the moment then it's the perfect solution. And he can sneak back out when she's asleep.

[Wolframhart]

@Dustydolly

I haven't meant to come across as I'm bashing dsd, I'm pissed off with my dp not her. Yes she can be a bit manipulative with her dad but she's 10 and pushing boundaries I get that.

I also get she may not always be comfortable sharing with my dd and as I said earlier it's not ideal, its not exactly always a picnic for my dd either but that's our situation at moment.

I've asked dp tonight why she won't sleep in her bed and all I get is a text from him "she doesn't want to"

It’s a situation entirely of your own making though. It didn’t just randomly happen. You and your partner actively chose this living arrangement.

[Tulips15]

@PluggingAway

I would tell him that your DS has decided he wants to sleep in your bed for the next two weeks and obviously you're going to let him. See what he says.

I'd do this too.
Your dsd should be in her room.
An almost high school age child doesnt need to share the bed with her parent and you

[TheFoz]

And how is that comment helpful @Wolframhart? 🙄

I think you need a set of guidelines here. If a child wants to sleep with a parent then the parent goes with the child to their room. I would not be comfortable having my partners kids in our bed and me having to find another place to sleep and he would not be comfortable with the reverse situation. Your dp is being a twat here.

[QueenBee52]

Is leaving something you are likely to consider @Dustydolly 🌸

[1forAll74]

At this age. she should not be making demands about the sleeping arrangements, or anything else for that matter, quite ludicrous really.