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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What would you think if your dp did this with a colleague?

142 replies

Tinaburner77 · 31/07/2021 19:06

A woman the same age who he’s worked with there for quite a while. They went out as a whole department drinking together every Friday night for the last few weeks.

He said I wouldn’t like it as I’d be bored/they only talk about work etc.

Apparently one night she tried to invite him back ‘for a few beers’ and he said he was tired so he’d come back here and she said ‘Ooh you want to go back to your girlfriend do you!”

One night he came in at 7am which was really unlike him, usually back by midnight, I was worried and he hadn’t replied to my texts. Came in saying they had all been stuck at someone’s flat or something? Found out a week later that he had been alone with her at hers until then, swears nothing happened and they were ‘just chatting?’ Then going on about why can’t men and women be friends, even his best friend was saying that it was out of order doing that to me.

The weekend after he’s out again, I’m in bed and hear him come in at 3am.. with her!! I’m in my pjs and half asleep, never met her and not letting her see me like that. Heard them talking and I just listened from outside, he came in the room and told me she was ‘waiting for a lift home’. (She lived a mile away). Swore I heard her say at one point ‘Do you want me to take this off?’ And don’t know if it was just my imagination but could have sworn I heard kissing sounds. They left 2h later and he came back claiming they had ‘been to McDonald’s’.

I asked if I could meet her and he said “wouldn’t it be weird?”

They’re having an affair aren’t they?
They work together every day, what’s the need for all these nights out that I’m never invited to?
He’s cheating surely ?

OP posts:
Robloxmastermum · 31/07/2021 20:17

Contact the landlord and get your name off the tenancy.

Then fuck off next Friday and never come back.

messybun101 · 31/07/2021 20:23

There's no mistaking kissing sounds...
what a CF

toocold54 · 31/07/2021 20:27

The weekend after he’s out again, I’m in bed and hear him come in at 3am.. with her!!

Going against the grain here but I really don’t think he’s cheating with her!
There’s no way he’d bring her to your home or admit he was at hers if he was!

You can usually tell when someone’s cheating/fancies someone as they pretend they don’t like them, they’re ugly, no fun etc but he’s very open about it.
I’m not saying he’s not cheating with someone else but he’s too open about her for him to be cheating with her I would say.

Notapheasantplucker · 31/07/2021 20:28

She sounds about 15 putting her initials on all of his lighters Confused

Thadhiya · 31/07/2021 20:30

This reply has been deleted

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DeeCeeCherry · 31/07/2021 20:30

I wouldn't be interested in a man or situation like that. There are some things in life I just don't want to give any energy at all. In your shoes I'd tell him he was welcome to her.

He's not your husband. You haven't said you two have children. Just bin him off, he doesn't even respect you. He's not the only man in the world although it's not even about that really; you can take a break from men practice self-care so you never question yourself and put up with this type of dickishness ever again.

Diva66 · 31/07/2021 20:33

You know the answer OP. LTB.

BlueSurfer · 31/07/2021 20:33

Even in the incredibly unlikely event he isn’t having an affair, it sounds like he wants one and he is treating you badly. LTB.

DrManhattan · 31/07/2021 20:33

A few things

  1. Great user name
  2. Hes a prick
  3. They won't last anyways as she knows he's a cheater
  4. Wouldn't be surprised if she dumps him when he's single
  5. You deserve better

Good luck and don't it up - get rid !!!!!

girlmom21 · 31/07/2021 20:37

@Thadhiya I think you've pasted an email address by mistake

BelleClapper · 31/07/2021 20:41

I expect he’s told her you’re his flat mate/ex he still lives with.

Been there done that from both sides.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 31/07/2021 20:50

Bin the jacket. Bin him.

a1poshpaws · 31/07/2021 20:51

Why are you still there with him? You've already wasted 3 years of your life on a wanker who hasn't a shred of respect for you. Quit now, or YOU'LL lose all respect for you too.

Erwhatno · 31/07/2021 20:55

So sorry op

me4real · 31/07/2021 20:57

I asked why her name is on every lighter and he said I was ‘jealous’ and had the nerve to laugh about their night out?

@Tinaburner77 At the very least she is flirtatious and he is enjoying it. The staying at hers till 7am 'just chatting' is one of the most annoying bits. I suppose you don't need to present him with undeniable proof something's happening, especially as you're not married. It's pretty clear what's to some extent going on, and it's very disrespectful.

dudsville · 31/07/2021 20:57

I think it's time to quit being baffled about the difference between what you know and what he says.

User1357 · 31/07/2021 20:59

I had this with a partner when I was 25 .. together almost 3 years, lived together. Had a very inappropriate relationship with female friend he worked with. Would have her at outs when I was out. I would be invited out with them but it was actually humiliating. He would stare lovelingly at her and I knew everybody noticed it. About two weeks later I checked his phone and there was a message from his friend telling him to ‘be careful, I had to stop ‘user’ going round the corner and seeing you with hand on OW bum’. I ended it that day.

It had been going on for around 3 months and he swore blind he hadn’t cheated, they were just friend, everything yours has said.

It took 3 years after we split for one of his friends to tell me they were sleeping together . Ex still Denies it!

User1357 · 31/07/2021 21:01

He did admit that he slept with her after we split though!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 31/07/2021 21:11

Oh come on OP. Sorry, but you can't be this naive.

Kick him out. And burn her jacket. Or piss on it. Or both.

PizzaCrust · 31/07/2021 21:11

She’s the equivalent of a dog pissing on a tree with that leaving her coat tactic.

Awful woman. Your partner is a dick. They’re both hateful arseholes.

Newbabynewhouse · 31/07/2021 21:15

Oh dear Lord...of course he is... sorry!!!

GettingItOutThere · 31/07/2021 21:15

leave him ; hes shagging her

Pablo201 · 31/07/2021 21:18

@Tinaburner77 get rid!! He will never own up to having an affair but he clearly has no respect for your opinion. Goes out drinking every Fri with this girl and ones from work when did he last take you out for dinner and drinks? You deserve better. His cheap thrill will get boring once u r gone I'm sure but please do not settle for this and meet someone who treats u right and respects u. How dare he stay in some other woman's house and have the cheek to invite her back to urs and then disappear for two hours when she was apparently just waiting on a lift. I would pack his bags and leave them on the doorstep or move back home if u can just leave him a note saying its over he's deserves frig all else. Block him out of ur life and focus on being happy again Flowers

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 31/07/2021 21:18

Going against the grain here but I really don’t think he’s cheating with her!
There’s no way he’d bring her to your home or admit he was at hers if he was!

Have you met men? Or specifically flagrantly cheaty bastard men? I know of at least three of that ilk who did exactly that. (None mine thank goodness)

Looubylou · 31/07/2021 21:23

Can you not tell him he has to leave? Can you afford the rent alone? My guess is you have put 90% of the effort into making it a home, why should you have to leave your home? Don't put up with him hanging around looking for somewhere to go though. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.