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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What would you think if your dp did this with a colleague?

142 replies

Tinaburner77 · 31/07/2021 19:06

A woman the same age who he’s worked with there for quite a while. They went out as a whole department drinking together every Friday night for the last few weeks.

He said I wouldn’t like it as I’d be bored/they only talk about work etc.

Apparently one night she tried to invite him back ‘for a few beers’ and he said he was tired so he’d come back here and she said ‘Ooh you want to go back to your girlfriend do you!”

One night he came in at 7am which was really unlike him, usually back by midnight, I was worried and he hadn’t replied to my texts. Came in saying they had all been stuck at someone’s flat or something? Found out a week later that he had been alone with her at hers until then, swears nothing happened and they were ‘just chatting?’ Then going on about why can’t men and women be friends, even his best friend was saying that it was out of order doing that to me.

The weekend after he’s out again, I’m in bed and hear him come in at 3am.. with her!! I’m in my pjs and half asleep, never met her and not letting her see me like that. Heard them talking and I just listened from outside, he came in the room and told me she was ‘waiting for a lift home’. (She lived a mile away). Swore I heard her say at one point ‘Do you want me to take this off?’ And don’t know if it was just my imagination but could have sworn I heard kissing sounds. They left 2h later and he came back claiming they had ‘been to McDonald’s’.

I asked if I could meet her and he said “wouldn’t it be weird?”

They’re having an affair aren’t they?
They work together every day, what’s the need for all these nights out that I’m never invited to?
He’s cheating surely ?

OP posts:
HalzTangz · 31/07/2021 19:46

@Tinaburner77

I wish it were a wind up. He swears he’s never cheated. How on earth can they be so brazen, it’s so obvious he fancies her.
You should have just walked in the room, if they were kissing you'd have caught them at it, if they were sitting separately then I would say they are just friends, however I would have said oh we'll get you a taxi then she wouldn't have been able to push for him to walk her home.

I'd also just turn up at the pub they meet in, or send a friend to observe how he is with her

Iggly · 31/07/2021 19:46

@Tinaburner77

It’s disgusting I agree. They are both shameless and without morals, how can he insist he hasn’t cheated?
He can insist all he likes. Get rid
DogsSausages · 31/07/2021 19:47

Find somewhere else, speak to your landlord or agent to get your name off the lease, he is really not worth it, let her have him, the novelty will probably wear off once you have gone but that's his problem, he doesnt deserve any sympathy.

chocorabbit · 31/07/2021 19:51

@checkingforballoons

Even if they are just friends, he’s treating you like crap.
Exactly. Since he works with her he spend far more time with her than with you. DH's colleagues would try to drag him out but apart from a few times he prefers to spend time with us, his family, or meet other friends and has no problem saying it. Why do they have to hang out for hours out weekly after work, whether it is with her or just other colleagues? Especially when he could have spent some more time with you. He is not single but you can show him the door.
Aquamarine1029 · 31/07/2021 19:52

Unless he's the daftest man alive, I think he's doing this on purpose. He wants you to break up with him.

footprintsintheslow · 31/07/2021 19:53

@Tinaburner77

He doesn’t want me to meet her either, very convenient. She left her jacket on our floor after coming here, I wanted to put it in the bin.
On the floor? Thats weird in itself.
Tinaburner77 · 31/07/2021 19:53

I’ve thought about turning up at the bar but he would probably get really angry or they’d say I was crazy or something. I know someone who could potentially rent me a room so that could be a good first step. How can anyone treat someone else so poorly.

OP posts:
MushMonster · 31/07/2021 19:54

Just leave him. Call it a lucky escape here! You have no children with him, or mortgage, so just get out of the flat and start afresh.
Best luck Flowers

Tinaburner77 · 31/07/2021 19:54

He says after 3 years with me it’s gotten a bit stale, even though he works with her all day everyday.

OP posts:
user1471539324 · 31/07/2021 19:55

Agree with the comments here. Maybe nothing had happened but if they work together, then this woman will be a source of resentment and this ‘platonic’ relationship will continue. Why should you feel like second best? Why should you be constantly on edge because he’s not being truthful. Fuck that.

Tinaburner77 · 31/07/2021 19:57

This had already been an argument. And he offered to ‘stop spending time with her’ but that clearly hasn’t happened. I saw he also searched her on Facebook.

OP posts:
Maggiesfarm · 31/07/2021 19:58

@Tinaburner77

He says after 3 years with me it’s gotten a bit stale, even though he works with her all day everyday.
Cheeky sod.

How old is he?

You are going to have a very lucky escape, Tinaburner.

LagunaBubbles · 31/07/2021 19:58

How can anyone treat someone else so poorly

Because some people are just shit humans and others put up with their shit behaviour.

dunroamingfornow · 31/07/2021 20:02

It's clearly an affair and you deserve so much better. Best revenge ? Say nothing, just leave and block him. It'll drive him crazy not being able to control it or leave you hanging as a back up plan in case she bins him off . Been there, done that and a mutual friend later told me it bugged him for years that I just walked away without " fighting " for him. He has zero respect for you and that's unlikely to change.

Recessed · 31/07/2021 20:03

That's awful! They are trying to make a complete fool of you OP Sad please dump him without a second thought. Horrendous.

Drivingmeupthewall · 31/07/2021 20:03

Just say quietly and with loaded menace, “I saw you last night,” and see what he says.

But of course he’s cheating. And he’s a filthy cunt for doing it in your own home while you’re in bed.

Tinaburner77 · 31/07/2021 20:04

I asked why her name is on every lighter and he said I was ‘jealous’ and had the nerve to laugh about their night out?

OP posts:
OzziePopPop · 31/07/2021 20:05

My ex did this, I got the whole ‘you wouldn’t like her, she’s very loud and outspoken, oh and she’s a lesbian btw’ I responded with err, ok, no issues with her sexuality here but sure, go hang out at the pub with her when she ‘happens to be in Plymouth from London for the weekend’ (several times).

I then went to see a friend for the weekend myself, came back a day early and weird thing… there was a suitcase in my bedroom… odd that…

He’d told her we’d split up and I was off looking for a new flat up north! We’d slept together the night before I went! Even worse this was three months after we’d been through a second trimester miscarriage together.

His sister and I got very loudly drunk that night while they hid upstairs. Yes, she stayed two more nights even after finding out she was the other woman! I couldn’t kick her out so invited a male friend my (now) ex was very jealous of round and invited him to stay the night in my room. Nothing happened but ex definitely thought it did. I smiled broadly over my morning coffee!

In short, yes. He’s probably having an affair with her. This sort of ‘you won’t wAnt to meet her’ thing is telling ime…

MrsSkylerWhite · 31/07/2021 20:05

Do you own your home or rent? In whose names).
He’d be out, quick sharp.

Imnothereforthedrama · 31/07/2021 20:08

Yes and he’s doing it brazenly under your nose .
Liar and a cheat and he doesn’t care that you know . Don’t let him make you look a fool .

DogsSausages · 31/07/2021 20:08

Some people are just shits, they dont care about anyone except themselves. Pack your bags, stay with your friend, celebrate getting away from this horrid man, dont waste any emotional time on him or her and dont waste any more energy arguing about this with him. My ex did this sort of stuff, they thought they were so clever but everyone knew about it. It was all a bit pathetic looking back.

Sadsiblingatsea · 31/07/2021 20:08

God, just leave.

misskatamari · 31/07/2021 20:13

Leave him. Pair of absolute disrespectful shits! If you don't have kids (hence the need for childcare issues) I see no reason at all why you wouldn't be fine going for drinks with them, bollocks they just talk about work (until 7am, yeah chinny fucking beard you do!)

Honestly I would have zero respect left for this cheeky bastard of a boyfriend. You will be well rid! Shameless fucker.

I'm sorry you're going through this, I know it must feel shit and very hurtful, but you are worth so so much more and if you have no ties to him, run for the fucking hills and don't look back!

daisydaisy7 · 31/07/2021 20:15

Yes he's having an affair. And rubbing it in your face.
If my DH was spending all night with another woman every week and then had the audacity to bring her to our home I would hit the roof.
Leave him. You can do better.

Imnothereforthedrama · 31/07/2021 20:15

@OzziePopPop

My ex did this, I got the whole ‘you wouldn’t like her, she’s very loud and outspoken, oh and she’s a lesbian btw’ I responded with err, ok, no issues with her sexuality here but sure, go hang out at the pub with her when she ‘happens to be in Plymouth from London for the weekend’ (several times).

I then went to see a friend for the weekend myself, came back a day early and weird thing… there was a suitcase in my bedroom… odd that…

He’d told her we’d split up and I was off looking for a new flat up north! We’d slept together the night before I went! Even worse this was three months after we’d been through a second trimester miscarriage together.

His sister and I got very loudly drunk that night while they hid upstairs. Yes, she stayed two more nights even after finding out she was the other woman! I couldn’t kick her out so invited a male friend my (now) ex was very jealous of round and invited him to stay the night in my room. Nothing happened but ex definitely thought it did. I smiled broadly over my morning coffee!

In short, yes. He’s probably having an affair with her. This sort of ‘you won’t wAnt to meet her’ thing is telling ime…

What you let her stay 2 more nights why ? And why did she stay ? She’d be gone and him 2 minutes after I got back . How did you not give them both a slap ? And that’s even more bizarre inviting another man to stay in your room .