To want to know if my Dad’s dead to stop his stepdaughter getting my inheritance?

[AbandonedDaughter]

Sounds horrible I know!

My father left when I was young. Refused to pay any maintenance despite coming into a very large lump sum shortly after my parents divorce and promptly married someone else who had a daughter of a similar age to me. We had no further contact after that and I never met his new wife or her daughter.

When he finally met again in my late 30’s he told me that his stepdaughter was his first priority as she’d been in his life for longer . She was preparing to get married at that time and he all he talked about was her wedding. That was extremely hurtful as he wasn’t at mine. He didn’t seem remorseful that he’d left me with my mother, who was abusive as he knew very well as that was his reason for leaving! He didn’t seem interested in the impact it had on me and just wanted to move on and forget the past.

I tried to get past it and wanted him to meet my DC so they’d know their grandfather but it was very difficult as contact was sporadic and we didn’t seem able to build a proper relationship. Too much time gone and we were strangers. He didn’t even get me a birthday card in the time we were in contact.

He then told me, when I told him about my mother’s abuse, that my mother had told him I wasn’t his. I kind of hoped I wasn’t (I couldn’t believe I could be related to someone who abandoned their kid) so wanted to do a DNA test before we went any further and he met my DC. He refused as apparently he didn’t want to think I might not be so I decided to cut him out if he couldn’t even do that simple thing for me. He was the one who put that doubt in my head anyway!

The last time we spoke I asked him for a picture of his mother, my grandmother, as my mother had always compared me to her (very disparagingly) and I wanted to see what she looked like. He said he’d send me one (via messenger, he didn’t even have make the effort to post it!) but 3 months later he still hadn’t so I blocked him.

That was 2 years ago and I had occasionally looked him up on Facebook as he was a regular poster. Just to check he was still alive.

A few months ago, I noticed his Facebook profile had disappeared, can’t be because he suddenly decided to block me, as I have used other people’s account to look him up. His Facebook account is definitely gone. I noticed on his stepdaughter’s account, she posts lots about having bad days etc, that people were asking how she’s coping with her ‘loss’ and she hasn’t posted anything about him for months. Her mother died a few years ago.

I am assuming he’s dead. He was a drinker and smoker, mid 70’s. Could have been Covid related. I can’t find a death record as you need date of death and where and I don’t know that.

I have never spoken to his stepdaughter and don’t want to now. She would inherit all his money I assume and this makes me quite angry. She wouldn’t be able to contact me unless through Facebook to tell me he’s dead, and she may not have because of the inheritance. Not that it’s her fault but she had his investment in time and money for years which should have been mine. I suffered greatly, financially and having a shit childhood with my mother due to him not being there. Her mother was a single mum when they met and they opened a business together with my fathers money.

AIBU to feel like this?

Any ideas on how I can find out if he’s dead without contacting her? I’ve googled death notices in his local paper but it wouldn’t necessarily have been in there.

To put a different side to this...
You say this man was abused by your mother and told you weren't his child. His behaviour after getting back in contact with you wasn't great. Now you want to cause emotional distress to his perfectly innocent stepdaughter to get him back after he's dead. I don't think the money is going to make any of it better and from where I stand it's more your mother you should direct your anger at.

So I had a step father. Who was violent towards me

He was in my life for 10 years. Does this mean if he died I’d have some hope of gaining something from him?

My fiance was born from an affair and I don't even know his father's name. His father comes from a country in europe where you cannot disinhearit your children legally. I have wondered if any of his father's family know he exists or if they do, if they would simply lie about my fiance's existance in order not to give him his legally dictacted share.

@Nocutenamesleft it's actually more complicated as the step child & much easier for them to be disinherited.

[quote imamule]@Oblahdeeoblahdoe good for you [/quote]
Thanks. It wasn't a life changing amount but it gave us great pleasure 😁 She was lucky we didn't report her and her solicitor

I would have, it's such an awful thing to do.

I really feel for you Op, You’ve had no resolution to your abusive childhood or your fathers disinterest. And now you probably never will.
I can see why you are invested in looking.

It’s worth remembering that you are more than the sum of your oarents crap relationship. You are a strong capable woman who grew up to have her own despite a shit start.
There’s no way of telling if your step sister had a happy childhood either or your step mum. Maybe they were always worried he would leave them too.

It’s a great time to draw a line under it. Shit’s going to hit the fan soon with the economy etc and you need to focus on you and your own hopes and dreams. Do a weird burning spell or whatever it takes and bin the past.

@Waxonwaxoff10 If your father dies with no will and is not married you and any siblings will get his money automatically unfortunately.

[quote imamule]@Nocutenamesleft it's actually more complicated as the step child & much easier for them to be disinherited. [/quote]
Oh shame

Thanks for answering though.

probatesearch.service.gov.uk/#wills

£1.50 for a copy of a will. I wondered for years why my mum hadn't left me anything. It seems she left everything with my dad, on the proviso that he'd make sure I was ok. He told me shortly after she died that I was over 18 (I was 19), and so I was on my own. I had to choose between rent and food for a while. I only got a copy of her will recently via this service, having wondered for years if she'd left me something and he'd lied.

It doesn't make any difference to anything, but it's good to be clear on the facts. I hope you get to the bottom of this.

I've just tried here, www.ancestry.co.uk/search/collections/60630/ , and been able to find the deaths of two people I know who died a couple of years ago. You have to join up to receive any further details, though. You deserved so much more than he gave you. Our father left us when we were very young. His second family are his life. I'm fine, but it does makes you realise how neglectful some parents can be, without a doubt.

[quote Thehouseofmarvels]@Waxonwaxoff10 If your father dies with no will and is not married you and any siblings will get his money automatically unfortunately.[/quote]
I doubt there will be any to be honest, he's got no money or assets. He will inherit his father's house but he has a history of drug abuse so will probably spaff it up the wall. And he's got 5 kids by 4 different women so if there is anything left it won't go far!

If he was based in Scotland you are entitled to one half of the moveable estate. You can't be disinherited in Scotland.

@Smidge001

I'm confused. If the dna linked you to a cousin of your dad, who was adopted into the family, how does that link you to your dad? The adopted person wouldn't have the same dna surely?

@Smidge001I think that the relative was adopted OUT of OP’s father’s family. He had put something in Ancestry looking for his birth family and OP linked to him. She wanted a photo of her grandmother to send to the adopted Uncle.

The chances are even if you tried to make a moral claim against the money you would not win, given that you were estranged. I understand why you feel so much resentment - it must be devastating to know he was so interested in raising another daughter while you were left with your abusive mother and I can't imagine how hard that is - but I think by making it about the money you're just transferring the pain onto something new.

He was a bastard, and you deserved a better dad. But his stepdaughter has done nothing wrong and for all you know she was asked not to tell you anything by him. Assume he is dead and let it be a line drawn for you mentally: he was a shitty 'dad' but you owe yourself the freedom of not dragging this out for yourself. Do something that marks this occasion - write a letter saying everything you want to say and burn it, go and scream it at the sea, be as dramatic and as symbolic as you want - and get it out of your system. Then let it go. You will feel better about it eventually, I promise.

I don’t want to upset his stepdaughter. I just want to get back at him that I get a small recompense for him abandoning me.

Its not your inheritence.

Ad tbh your whole attitude is abusive in its own right.

'Want to get back at him'??? If he's dead you aren't getting back at him. Instead you are taking out your issues on a completely innocent party, who has lost someone who she presumably cared about and loved and is hurting. All because you are jealous, greedy and frankly spiteful.

If he had a will and had no contact with you during life you haven't a cat in hell's chance of getting a penny, and by the sound of it, he made a point of saying directly to you that he considered her his daughter not you so may well have made a will precisely for this reason.

If he didn't have a will, you aren't getting one over on your father. You are going after the money of a man you didn't know at a time which is potentially very difficult for someone who has done nothing to you. You will come across as malicious and gold digging.

Ironically, if he had very little at the time of his death, you may well be setting yourself up for debts/costs of his death plus any costs incurred in persuing this vendetta (and yes thats what this is).

Whilst you are obviously hurting about the way he treated you in life, this absoluetely isn't the way to resolve this and make yourself feel better. It will open a can of worms and pain, and actually could make you feel worse even if you have a few quid in your hand.

If you are feeling this level of anger over your childhood, save yourself and everyone else involved the pain and get fucking counselling rather than acting in a way thats only going to dredge up painful memories and a whole bunch of legal issues.

You won't find the peace you seek by shitting on other people's lives.

YANBU to want to know if your dad has died.

But YABU to assume you are entitled to an inheritance. If he left a will leaving his estate to her, there's nothing you can do about it. This man was a waste of space when he was alive, so there's no point expecting him to have done the decent thing in his will.

@imamule

I would have, it's such an awful thing to do.

I suppose we didn't want her to go to jail . We were happy enough to relieve her of our share and she was spitting feathers

@BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand

YANBU to want to know if your dad has died.

But YABU to assume you are entitled to an inheritance. If he left a will leaving his estate to her, there's nothing you can do about it. This man was a waste of space when he was alive, so there's no point expecting him to have done the decent thing in his will.

Depending on where the OP and her father are /were based, this is completely untrue. As others have said, in Scotland at least you can disinherit your children so you would be entitled to something.

YANBU at all. I'm in a very similar situation to you and I get it completely!

cant! In Scotland you can't disinherit your children!

@Oblahdeeoblahdoe you're a better person then me 😆

If he didn't have a will, you aren't getting one over on your father. You are going after the money of a man you didn't know at a time which is potentially very difficult for someone who has done nothing to you. You will come across as malicious and gold digging.

Are you saying if there is no will the OP shouldn't go after any money?

This is about estates where there is no will

www.gov.uk/government/organisations/bona-vacantia

if he was/is a drinker, there will be no money, only debts.

OP, whilst I understand that you feel robbed of a good childhood (and it sounds like you did have a very tough one) and have every right to know if the man you think is your father is alive or not- for your sake, you do need to be highly realistic about your chances of being able to gain financially from his death. Bluntly, you may well not be entitled to any of his estate. All of his assets are not “your inheritance” by right.

If your father made a will and left all his assets to his step-daughter (or anyone else) you are unlikely to be able to contest the will in it’s entirety. Depending on where you are, if in the UK, you may be able to claim a percentage of those assets that are solely his- but you would have to take it to court and that is not going to quick or cheap. You may end up spending more than you would gain from contesting the will, and putting yourself through a lot of stress in the process- I’d think very carefully before heading down that route.

A complicating factor might be that he was married to his 2nd wife for a long time and they had set up a business together. The source of any start-up capital is unlikely to be relevant many years down the line, especially if she played a role in building or running it. By way of example, my friend married a farmer who had inherited the farm- he did the majority of the haves in farming but she did all the book-keeping, ordering of supplies and so on. They built the business and diversified, bought more land and do in. When they divorced she got a very large settlement based in turnover/asset valuation because although the original farm was his (I.e. is akin to the start-up capital in the case of your father & his wife’s business- assuming your understanding of that situation is accurate) because she had been an active partner in managing and growing the business she was entitled to a share of that.

So, if your father and his wife built that business together in some way, that would probably be a marital asset, not just your fathers. You would not be entitled to all of it, even if you did manage to get a court to recognise an interest (should this be possible in your jurisdiction). Also, if they passed the business on as a going cause- for instance to your step-sister- prior to his wife or your father’s death, then you won’t be entitled to anything from the business.