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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Parents and property

237 replies

Fedduup32 · 28/07/2021 00:29

Please be kind I’m not in a good place at the moment mentally.

In my early 20’s my parents put a rental property in my name. Not all as good as it sounds. I’m in my 40’s now and because of this property was unable to get first time buyers mortgage when I was looking for my own place so didn’t get a good deal that I could have.

Over the years whenever I bring up any conversation it ends in my mum screaming at me and threatening to put the property in one of my siblings name instead. I’m really upset as I came to visit my mum with kids and mentioned our flat is too small and I would love to get a bigger place and asked her if i sold the property how much would I get so could use as a deposit so I can get a nicer place. She got unreasonable again which resulted in me screaming at her too, not a nice thing to be honest. In the end I managed to get info from her that the rental gets £70 profit a month so in 20 years of this I asked her if I can have my money and she starts screaming at me.

After a lot of shouting today I finally learnt truth from her that she only made me buy the property as her accountant told her it will make more sense money wise to put in one of the kids name as they would have to pay tax etc. I feel really used by her but also guilty that she’s my mum but I feel sad that she never thinks about me or any repercussions it has had in my future finances and opportunities.

She doesn’t even clearly talk to me about anything to do with the property. I don’t even know if it was hers first then she put in my name for tax or first time buyers rate. I just get made to feel unreasonable if I ask any questions. My siblings were there today as well and they made me feel I am causing trouble but also admitted they glad she didn’t put in their name as they would have missed out on first time buyers with their property. I just wa t answers from her but she threatens all sorts.

I’m lying here feeling bad I brought up the topic but why can’t she just have a conversation with me about it. I don’t know what she’s hiding as she gets defensive.

OP posts:
lunar1 · 28/07/2021 10:35

It's your house, the tenants are yours and you are paying the mortgage with the rent from your tenants. Remove any authority your parents have over your banking.

Go no contact with your parents, get a solicitor and sell your house then use your money to buy something suitable for yourself.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 28/07/2021 10:35

The real question here is how much do you value your relationship with your family?

I think the family have already made this decision themselves. They're treating OP as a vehicle for making money (illegally by the sounds of it) and don't care for her as a person at all. Sadly, it doesn't sound like there is any relationship to speak of.

Sorry but you are to blame for agreeing to all of this. Your parents are only controlling because you allow it.

Sorry, but this is just nasty victim-blaming. It's the equivalent of saying that a wife who is a victim of DV is to blame for allowing her husband to beat her - "why does she allow him to do it?"

OP has been groomed this way from childhood, by the sounds of it - she is not at fault.

OP, the advice that PPs have given is good. Although your parents maybe don't realise/accept it, now you're wise to their devices, the power is actually all in your hands. They stand (and deserve) to lose a great deal (not that they haven't already taken so much from you) and gaslighting and creating FOG in your life is all that they have to rely on.

Every time your mother screams at you, know that this is her way of clinging on to the power she thinks she has - and she is probably scared, especially as you're obviously starting to ask questions and realise that things are not right. Effectively, she's acting like a toddler, who has no power of their own and only has screaming as a way to try to get what they want. The difference is that, unlike a toddler, she knows what she stands to lose.

Turn her screaming back on her. She sees it as a way to end the questions; I know it's not easy, but if you can treat it as her way of being unable/unwilling to discuss things, tell her you'll need to go over her head and contact the solicitor/bank/HMRC directly if she can't/won't help you. If you can summon up the strength to do that, I think you'll see her almost visibly deflate, as she realises the game is up, and she might respond with a last-ditch attempt at being all nicey-nicey with you, maybe asking why you would do 'that' to your 'loving' parents who've 'only ever tried to help you'. Too late: go over her head anyway. The fact is that, legally, you own the house, whatever your parents might try to do. Tell the official bodies all that you've told us and see where you can go from there.

Stop trying to please your parents or siblings, because they don't care about you one bit. Make the break from them and start putting yourself first. It won't be easy after the decades of abuse, but get all the help you need and break free.

Ohpulltheotherone · 28/07/2021 10:36

OP I think you need legal advice to be honest.

If the mortgage is in your name then the deeds will be in your name, if you have paid the tax and everything has been done above board then you have nothing to worry about.

The issue of course will be if they’ve not had it on a BTL mortgage although it would be incredibly difficult to legitimately rent a property without all the right paper work like certificates and insurance so hopefully it is all legit.

Please get some legal advice, this property is in the eyes of the law - yours.

I’d sell it and go no contact, your family sound awful

CornflowersInTheLongGrass · 28/07/2021 10:39

I would get independent legal advice in your situation

ChainJane · 28/07/2021 10:42

If the mortgage is in your name then surely the deeds are with the mortgage provider? They normally keep hold of them until the mortgage is paid off.

You need proper legal advice like you said. Either you own the property and can just sell it without their permission, or you don't own it.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 28/07/2021 10:42

I'd also contact the accountants and ask them for a full breakdown of what they've been doing in your name over all these years. it sounds like they might very well have been acting illegally for a long time, and might have brought their profession into disrepute - assuming they are qualified and professionally recognised, and not just some wily people who are good at manipulating numbers and their interpretation of the law. I think they could do with being exposed.

There's nothing wrong with accountants advising people to work within their advantage to make best use of their position in law - e.g. a married couple deciding together with full knowledge to split their assets to make best use of personal allowances - but you can't just keep a person in the dark and use them as a 'money mule' to do somebody else's dirty work.

IceLace100 · 28/07/2021 10:44

Go and see a solicitor ASAP.

I hope you're taking care of yourself x

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 28/07/2021 10:46

Yes I suspect it’s been remortgaged several times and there may not be a lot of equity in it - leaving the op with a huge tax bill when it’s sold.

I doubt it’s a repayment mortgage - probably interest only, so it’s either the case above, or they are lying about the monthly profit.

This. Sadly I think either selling it and taking the money or transferring it into someone else's name wouldn't be that simple (they'd have to agree to it for one thing). You definitely need good legal and financial advice to find out exactly what you've been signing over the years.

So sorry you have such a shit family, no decent person would treat their child or sibling this way but you're only in your 40s, you can change this. Flowers

IceLace100 · 28/07/2021 10:46

And don't sign ANYTHING she puts in front of you.

IceLace100 · 28/07/2021 10:48

And learn from this, don't trust them with anything financial ever again. Keep everything completely separate and don't allow them access to your personal documents.

Essentially you can't really trust them with this stuff. Sorry.

Taliskerskye · 28/07/2021 10:50

Well the positive is you own a flat outright!
Use someone of the money from the sale to get therapy and go NC with them all.
Imagine how free you would be!

fabulousathome · 28/07/2021 10:51

I don't think the accountant will speak to you because you are not their client.

You need your own accountant.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 28/07/2021 10:56

I don't think the accountant will speak to you because you are not their client.

How is she not their (albeit unwitting) client if they've been doing all of this in her name for years?

I somehow think they might be willing to talk to OP anyway, once she mentions to them about wanting to check the situation with a solicitor and HMRC....

foxandbee · 28/07/2021 11:03

They have the deeds I don’t

I have RTFT, but this doesn't matter @Fedduup32, the deeds will be stored electronically on the land registry.

Get legal advice. Sell the property.

I think your parents could be guilty of coercive control, which is a criminal offence.

www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/controlling-or-coercive-behaviour-intimate-or-family-relationship

foxandbee · 28/07/2021 11:03

Sorry, haven't RTFT.

beigebrownblue · 28/07/2021 11:10

What concerns me is that into adulthood you feel you are still being controlled by them. Quote 'I didn't question them as I've brought up thinking they know best and I know nothing'

I don't really think this is even about the property.

I would be accessing a therapist at this point, to work through exactly what it is that kept you in this place as an adult.

I would approach a therapist who is specialised in family estrangement. There is an organisation called Stand Alone which might help.

One thing that might help you in practical terms is putting a fact file together about this situation. You don't need to tell your parents you are doing this.

Approach the Citizens Advice for free advice about what the situation actually is.

Then you need to figure out what it is you actually WANT and NEED. Quite distinct from what your parents WANT and NEED.

I don't feel you know that at the moment, hence the confusion.

You have a right as an adult person to decide this.

Sure, you may wish to take others needs into account but be clear about what yours are first.

It might well be that there was coercive control in your family.

This is a very hard thing to accept so please access emotional support

Good luck

ralphi · 28/07/2021 11:11

Get a solicitor, sell the property, and go nc with your parents. Having a lawyer means that you are cushioned from a lot of the unpleasantness. Do not engage with them, do not take their calls or visit them until the whole sale is completed.

diddl · 28/07/2021 11:12

@Taliskerskye

Well the positive is you own a flat outright! Use someone of the money from the sale to get therapy and go NC with them all. Imagine how free you would be!
A flat with a tenant which might be in negative equity!

Get legal advice, Op.

Who knows what was drawn up between your Mum & accountant?

Possibly a way of you not being able to just claim/sell a flat that she paid for?

Hope you can some resolution!

Branleuse · 28/07/2021 11:13

theyre continuing to control you with the threat of emotional outbursts and screaming, which reduces you to feeling like a small child. You should look up transactional analysis so you can understand the tricks they are playing to manipulate you.

It would be true justice and serve them right if you sold the property and then went NC. If its in your name, then you can do that. You dont need people like that in your life. They controlled you when you were younger, but now your eyes have been opened, and with a bit of support, therapy and decent legal advice, you can break free and get what you own

beigebrownblue · 28/07/2021 11:17

And yes, coercive control is a criminal offence, but it is very hard to prove indeed, and you may not even want to go down that route.

Please find a therapist.

JustineMumofTwins · 28/07/2021 11:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

DishingOutDone · 28/07/2021 11:25

@foxandbee

Sorry, haven't RTFT.
You've still commented a lot more intelligently, compassionately and with helpful info than a significant number of posters who have.
supersop60 · 28/07/2021 11:27

OP - so sorry to hear what you have been going through.
Your parents are abusive, both emotionally and financially, and you have suffered financially with regard to buying your own property and losing ftb benefits, not to mention the tax you've had to pay.
I agree with all pp - get professional advice, your DH must support you, even if he doesn't get involved.
DO NOT tell your parents what you are thinking or doing, and at the same time, do NOT sign anything else - make an excuse, be out of the house. In fact, avoid seeing them altogether if all they do is scream at you.
They are a pair of shits, and it is not your fault. At the age of 20, I'd have signed whatever my parents told me to, because I trusted them.

Billybagpuss · 28/07/2021 11:32

@Fedduup32 have you signed anything else mortgage related since the original transaction?

A few pp have suggested they may have moved the mortgage around and taken additional funds out, but with everything in your name you must have agreed to this and signed stuff if they did.

So from what you’ve said I doubt very much this is the case. We bought our house 20 years ago and it has doubled in value since. It is very unlikely to be in negative equity.

You are actually in a very strong position, which I think they are beginning to realise, again hence the screaming as panic is setting in. Everything is in your name, if they want to access the equity to fund their retirement they can’t. You would have to sell and give the money back to them, which will have tax implications.

I take it from your OP you have been able to buy yourself it has just cost you more. I hope all of this advice hasn’t completely overwhelmed you, you do have some decisions to make but take your time. Get proper advice. 💐

endofthelinefinally · 28/07/2021 11:34

You are entitled to sell the property OP. You have been paying a small amount of tax as per instructions of the accountant. Your parents haven't spent money on the property, it is mortgaged and they have been keeping the rent. You owe them nothing. You won't even make that much out of it once you have paid off the mortgage and the CGT, so your conscience is clear.
As pp have said, you can download and print the deeds yourself. CAB will help you with the technical/practical stuff.
Don't discuss it with any of your family. they all sound toxic.
Speak to the accountant in the first instance.
Then CAB.

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