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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder what you would think here?

107 replies

LemonSherbetFancies · 27/07/2021 11:29

Neighbour looked after the cats for us while we were away last week. She was there Monday-Thursday.
On Sunday, I noticed my old laptop had looked like it had been knocked about and also I think some jewellery had gone missing.
Grandkids said it was not them and so I got DP to go and chat to neighbour just to see if she could shed any light. First he asked if she managed to lock the double doors to the conservatory which she said she had and that that always did a check before she left the house. Then he asked if she knew about what had happened to the laptop and she said she didn't and hadn't touched it. She said it was not her and DP said she seemed upset and he said he was not accusing her.
She's now given the spare key back and said she doesn't feel comfortable cat sitting for us anymore, given what's going on. Aibu to ask if we handled this right?

OP posts:

Aprilx · 27/07/2021 13:00

@LemonSherbetFancies

DP did it in the nicest way he could. He said he was not accusing her as I have said several timed but that we were both concerned. More as to whether it was a burglary rather than her. We wouldn't go to the effort of letting her keep a key and changing the locks on the quiet.

You just aren’t listening. You accused by asking. Not a single person has agreed with you that it could come across any other way.

Why would a burglar come in, scuff an old laptop but put it back in position? Of course it wasn’t a burglar, you were accusing her.

fourminutestosavetheworld · 27/07/2021 13:02

What sort of burglar bashes a laptop about and then leaves it?

What sort of burglar leaves the jewellery box and just takes such few items that the owner doesn't really know if anything was taken or not?

It's your family. You need Judge Rinder on this one.

EssentialHummus · 27/07/2021 13:04

That's awful, the poor woman.

It's not the behaviour of a burglar, and you don't even know that anything's missing. Surely you sort that out first before sending your husband round!

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 27/07/2021 13:04

What light do you think she could have shed?

If you weren't thinking it was her then do you think she saw or heard someone break in and said and did nothing?

I'm interested to know what information you thought she might have that it wouldn't have occurred to her to share.

Of course you were accusing her. Just because you didn't say did you steal my stuff doesn't mean there was no undertone.

so yeah, what is it that you thought she might know but be in no way involved in and simply didn't think it needed mentioning?

Thingsthatgo · 27/07/2021 13:05

You accused her by asking, because any decent person would mention if they damaged a laptop accidentally or noticed a break in at their neighbours.
Therefore, by asking, you were demonstrating that you don’t trust her.

SoupDragon · 27/07/2021 13:06

As I said, DP made it very clear that he was not accussing her

Well, obviously he didn't make it clear at all. It isn't possible to do it without seeming to be accusing her TBH.

Youdiditanyway · 27/07/2021 13:07

I highly doubt your next door neighbour who was trusted with access to your house and has to continue to live next door to you for years stole your jewellery. I can’t see any reason why anyone in their right mind would do this, the finger would obviously be pointed at her and she has to deal with seeing you most days unless she moves away. It’s just a ridiculous notion, I don’t think she did this. The scuffing of a laptop is random too, sounds like something a child would be more likely to do so I’d personally blame your grandchildren for that one.

HPLikecraft · 27/07/2021 13:10

Why would anyone even bother touching an old laptop? They didn't steal it, they wouldn't have had the password to log in to use it, and surely they have their own devices/internet access at home?

And you only think some jewellery is missing?

You really need to apologize!

Ifitquacks · 27/07/2021 13:10

I’d be upset and give you your key back too.
Burglars don’t tend to scratch a laptop, leave it behind and then ‘maybe’ steal some jewellery, do they?
Is the jewellery missing or not?

Seesawmummadaw · 27/07/2021 13:14

She did the right thing by handing the key back. I would stay well clear if I was your neighbour.

Notaroadrunner · 27/07/2021 13:17

You have accused her in a roundabout way, despite Dh saying he didn't think she did it. Why ask? If she'd seen anything suspicious surely she'd have told you. She was hardly going to notice that some jewellery may or may not have been missing, as she was hardly going to be upstairs. As for the laptop, maybe one of the kids knocked it over and is afraid to own up. Your neighbour was right to give the key back. I wouldn't want to be responsible for having a key for your house.

Saoirse82 · 27/07/2021 13:24

OP whether it was intentional or not your neighbour feels like she was being accused. I'd feel the same way in the same situation. You could get her some flowers by way of apology to let her know that you weren't accusing her because from what you've said you trust her so you might want to mend things with her as she did you a favour by minding the cats. I hope your jewellery turns up.

girlmom21 · 27/07/2021 13:30

Your posts have proven you were, in fact, accusing her.

If you trust the grandchildren and the neighbour there's one other obvious answe.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 27/07/2021 13:34

They both say they haven't touched anything and I believe them

So why not believe your neighbour when she said the same?

You trusted her enough to look after your pets and to give her a key.

I’d have been giving you the key back too and you could whistle for anything neighbourly/favours after that.

You don’t even know anything is missing and still went round.

It was an accusation - no matter how nicely it was done.

WomanStanleyWoman · 27/07/2021 13:35

So you believe two children over your neighbour?

I’m always amazed, and disappointed, by how often MNers jump to the conclusion that all children are, without doubt, lying little bastards and that if they contradict an adult’s account, the adult should always be believed. Can no one think of a single scenario where this could be dangerous? Does no one worry that this could be a worrying message to send out to children?

What the OP has done wrong here is not double and triple check that this jewellery is definitely missing before asking anyone, adult or child, where it has gone. It’s important to be 100% sure in this kind of situation. But some people here seem to feel she should automatically have assumed her grandchildren were lying.

Of course the OP owed the neighbour an apology if the jewellery turns up. But she’d owe her grandchildren the same, and arguably much more, if she’d simply assumed their guilt.

Muchasgracias · 27/07/2021 13:36

I would send a message to your DD saying you have called 101 and they have advised that you should report the possible theft to your local police station who will want to speak to her, the DGCs and the neighbour. Suggest that she has a quick chat with the kids to prepare them before you make the call. This might just reveal the culprit.

MarianneUnfaithful · 27/07/2021 13:37

@LemonSherbetFancies

Both kids have promised they have not done it or gone through my jewellery box. I do believe them.

So you are disbelieving and blaming the neighbour.

I’m not surprised she returned your key.

Why on earth would the neighbour knock your old laptop about. Have you checked whether it had been turned on? History? When did you last look at it? It’s surprising what you notice when you haven’t really looked at something for a while. The kids could have fine it previously.

And as for not even being sure about jewellery before quizzing and accusing by implication….

vegas888 · 27/07/2021 13:40

@LemonSherbetFancies

So a burglar would come in, bash your laptop around a little and leave it there then might take some jewellery you’re not even sure is missing. 🙄

MarianneUnfaithful · 27/07/2021 13:43

DP did it in the nicest way he could. He said he was not accusing her as I have said several timed but that we were both concerned

There isn’t nice way to have done it. You shouldn’t have done it at all. If you actually think a burglary has taken place call the police.

Best check stuff is actually missing first though

But the logic around a lap-top bashing burglar has already been debunked.

You and your DH se 100% lacking in any personal awareness or social perception.

ForeverSinging · 27/07/2021 13:49

If she didn't steal from you then what other light could she honestly shed? Of course she felt accused. Going around and asking her after she's done you a favour is going to make her feel crap, no matter whether he said he wasn't accusing her or not.

Seems pretty unanimous on here and it doesn't seem like you're taking on board the other view points (that you asked for) at all.

crazymicrowave123 · 27/07/2021 13:53

@MarianneUnfaithful

DP did it in the nicest way he could. He said he was not accusing her as I have said several timed but that we were both concerned

There isn’t nice way to have done it. You shouldn’t have done it at all. If you actually think a burglary has taken place call the police.

Best check stuff is actually missing first though

But the logic around a lap-top bashing burglar has already been debunked.

You and your DH se 100% lacking in any personal awareness or social perception.

This with bells on. Accusing someone (no matter how you dress it up, you shouldn't have gone round in the first place) would totally ruin any neighbourly relationship, and they rightfully gave you your key back.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 27/07/2021 13:54

I don’t think anyone is saying all children are ‘lying little bastards’ at all.

I’m just curious as to why the children are believed and the neighbour is not.

More so when it hasn’t even been established anything is missing and the neighbour was trusted to look after the pets and given a key.

I believe that apologies are due all round.

The OP and her husband have handled this badly. If they thought anything was amiss they should have contacted the police.

If OP trusts her grandchildren then why ask them if they were involved in the first place?

TheTallOakTrees · 27/07/2021 14:00

@Ifitquacks

I’d be upset and give you your key back too. Burglars don’t tend to scratch a laptop, leave it behind and then ‘maybe’ steal some jewellery, do they? Is the jewellery missing or not?

I don't think the OP @LemonSherbetFancies is coming back.

I think most people would take this as accusing them and not 'shedding some light'. You say you believe your 8 and 9 year old grandchildren. Why would a neighbour 'scuff a laptop' and maybe or maybe not take some jewellery that you are not sure you have even lost!

Big fail on your part and that of your husband. Poor neighbour will not want to help out in future.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 27/07/2021 14:43

Typical

OP - AIBU

Everyone - Yes YABVU

OP - You're all wrong. I'm not BU.

Flounces off.

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 27/07/2021 15:50

'I'm not accusing you, but we think jewellery has gone missing, and you were in our house.'

'A few things in our house seem to have been moved around. We know DD & her kids came around whilst we were away, but wanted to check with you if you'd noticed anything odd before we ask them?'

There's quite a difference there, isn't there?

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