Nosy Lodger-would you find this annoying?

[LodgerDodging]

I don't know if I'm just a grouch.
I rent out my spare room. I've had several lodgers over the last few years. All different but all fine really.

I'm late thirties this one is late 50s.
He is great in that he is quite happy to look after things while I'm away or busy (including my dog if I can't take him).

He's clean and tidy, does housework, is helpful.
However he seems fascinated with things I do.

Example 1-If I ever leave the house he texts asking where I am or sometimes simply 'you've gone out, have you gone to the shop/your mums/other random thing I may have mentioned in passing?' Even though me leaving the house need not affect him at all.

Example 2-my partner was here and we went to the local pub just up the road. Once there I realised I wasn't dressed appropriately, it was very hot and I was getting bothered so I sme back home to take off my jeans and put on a dress. He was in his bedroom and heard me go in mine and shouted 'What you doing back?' And when i said 'I'm getting changed' asked me why. Why does he care?

Example 3 he heard me on the 'phone to a friend. About ten minutes after I'd hung up he came into the room and said 'Sarah?' I looked at him,puzzled and be repeated 'Sarah? The girl you speak to up the road sometimes you know, blonde hair, about 26?'
'Yes, what about her?'
'Was that her on the phone?'
(It wasn't, and the woman he meant isn't called the name he used either).

My mum was having a gathering for a birthday. She came over and we discussed it briefly. Someone rang her (I've no idea who).
A few days later lodger told me 'Your friend Pete is going to the party isn't he?'
'? No? Why??'
'I heard your Mum on the phone to him!'
My friends don't call my mum or go to family parties as a rule.

There are many more examples of this sort of thing. Is it weird or am I being a grouchy old cow?
He also told me the neighbours opposite are stuck up because they have a cleaner 'and she doesn't work!'
I said that I've spoken to them and they don't seem stuck up,and how does he know she doesn't work anyway? (Lodger doesn't work either)!

Aibu?

YANBU, he seems to think you are friends or housemates.

I would hate this but not sure how I would tackle it. Could you tell him that you are a very private person and would prefer to give each other privacy and not ask too many questions of each other?

Sounds a bit weird, no doubt he just lacks a little social polish or a life of his own and just wants to feel involved in your life so he can have a sense of belonging, but I'm not sure I wouldn't be giving him notice tbh.

Fuck that, it reads like the opening to a psychological thriller. Get rid!

A bit on the nosy side, but no lodger is perfect, and it's not something I'd be giving marching orders for.

Do you regard your lodgers more as housemates or something else?

I wouldn’t rent out a room if I wanted the lodger to never speak to me.
If you can’t be sociable and pass pleasantries, maybe you should downsize to somewhere you can afford alone.

Sounds like he lacks boundaries. I'm not sure I could live with it.

I think I'd greet every nosey question with 'Sorry...?' with raised eyebrow and surprised tone. Hopefully he'll get the message he's out of line.

@Slimmingstar

I wouldn’t rent out a room if I wanted the lodger to never speak to me. If you can’t be sociable and pass pleasantries, maybe you should downsize to somewhere you can afford alone.

He is paying for a room, not OP’s company.

I think you need to tweak a few boundaries.
He sounds like he's got too much time on his hands.

‘Look, Gary, it’s inevitable that we’ll accidentally overhear tidbits of each other’s lives, given we live in the same spaces. My experience with many housemates over the years is that it’s best to pretend we don’t hear other people’s business, and don’t bring it up when we do. It can lead to problems and offence being taken. Let’s stick to things we directly tell each other, and not topics that we happen to find out about, ok? I really think that will work better.’

And then reinforce it the next time he does it. ‘Gary, this is the sort of thing I meant when I mentioned boundaries last Thursday. Who comes to my mum’s party really is her business, and partly mine. Ok?’

If he keeps it up after that, you know it’s not ignorance. That needs to be considered. For me it would probably become a deal-breaker…eventually.

Thanks..interesting to get different perspectives. I do include him in things often but he usually says no. E.g he was invited invited the pub with us that evening but declined. He doesn't seem to do much outside of watching TV and going to the supermarket. Which is fine, I'm not concerned as long as he is decent to live with. But as a point said maybe it is jus not having much of a life himself.

Then again the 'Opening to a psychological thriller' thing.... .

Say "That is overly intrusive" and repeat every time he does it, then ignore the question.

If he tries to excuse/play down  his behaviour   ( "Just being friendly/ what did I say wrong? / are you in a mood? )  you reply "  I am a very private person. " No further discussion or explanation.

Why doesn’t he work? Is his rent paid by housing benefit?

@Slimmingstar

I wouldn’t rent out a room if I wanted the lodger to never speak to me. If you can’t be sociable and pass pleasantries, maybe you should downsize to somewhere you can afford alone.

what OP described, goes well beyond sociable pleasantries.

How long has he lived there? A short enough time that you could call it a trial and ask him to go?

I know theoretically he hasn’t done anything wrong, but this would drive me mad. There’s a big difference between casually asking ‘Going anywhere nice?’ if your landlady mentions a night out and ‘Where are you going, what are you doing?’ all day long.

He is overstepping boundaries

But also him looking after your dog at times this also blurs the boundaries

Hard to change that I would give him notice and learn from this

@Slimmingstar

I wouldn’t rent out a room if I wanted the lodger to never speak to me. If you can’t be sociable and pass pleasantries, maybe you should downsize to somewhere you can afford alone.

Are we reading the same OP?

He's not passing pleasantries. That would be chatting about the weather, telling his own anecdotes, asking follow up questions about things the OP has actually chosen to tell him about.

Not eavesdropping on her (and her mum's) conversations and checking up on her whereabouts!

OP, I'd have to tackle it directly with him. If he doesn't react exactly the way you'd want him to (i.e. stop, and not get huffy about it), out he goes.

He sounds a bit lonely to me, possibly nosey/chatty/interested. It wouldn’t annoy me, he sounds good in other ways, including looking after your dog.

‘‘Look, Gary, it’s inevitable that we’ll accidentally overhear tidbits of each other’s lives, given we live in the same spaces. My experience with many housemates over the years is that it’s best to pretend we don’t hear other people’s business, and don’t bring it up when we do. It can lead to problems and offence being taken. Let’s stick to things we directly tell each other, and not topics that we happen to find out about, ok? I really think that will work better.’’ - Jesus Christ, pass the egg shells for him to walk on 🤣I hope you don’t rent a room!

I wouldn't like that. I'd be giving him his notice and looking for someone more similar to yourself with their own interests and life.

I wouldn't like this but then I get tetchy about my partner listening into my phonecalls and I normally just chat shit to my mum.

Your example 2 wouldn't bother me, if it wasn't for the rest of it, I think I would ask why someone was back so soon after they left as well

I would not be sure how to phrase it. but it would be none of your business, type of comment. If that didn't work after a couple of times, I would get rid

Yeah sorry I couldn’t live with that! I’d be removing him.

That’d drive me crazy; phone calls are private and I don’t want to have to answer to someone about where I am

Hmm yeah that’s a bit creepy, but hopefully it’s just an annoying personality trait, no more. Perhaps if you blank the nosier questions he’ll become a bit more aware of boundaries.

You’ve blurred the boundaries by treating him like a mate and getting him to look after your dog.

Boundaries need worked upon on both sides. Yep, he's nosy, intrusive and annoying but looks after your dog etc. I don't think you can have it both ways.

A man in his 50s lodging in a house is a bit unusual anyway. Most men of that age have their own homes/partners/families.