Nosy Lodger-would you find this annoying?

[LodgerDodging]

I don't know if I'm just a grouch.
I rent out my spare room. I've had several lodgers over the last few years. All different but all fine really.

I'm late thirties this one is late 50s.
He is great in that he is quite happy to look after things while I'm away or busy (including my dog if I can't take him).

He's clean and tidy, does housework, is helpful.
However he seems fascinated with things I do.

Example 1-If I ever leave the house he texts asking where I am or sometimes simply 'you've gone out, have you gone to the shop/your mums/other random thing I may have mentioned in passing?' Even though me leaving the house need not affect him at all.

Example 2-my partner was here and we went to the local pub just up the road. Once there I realised I wasn't dressed appropriately, it was very hot and I was getting bothered so I sme back home to take off my jeans and put on a dress. He was in his bedroom and heard me go in mine and shouted 'What you doing back?' And when i said 'I'm getting changed' asked me why. Why does he care?

Example 3 he heard me on the 'phone to a friend. About ten minutes after I'd hung up he came into the room and said 'Sarah?' I looked at him,puzzled and be repeated 'Sarah? The girl you speak to up the road sometimes you know, blonde hair, about 26?'
'Yes, what about her?'
'Was that her on the phone?'
(It wasn't, and the woman he meant isn't called the name he used either).

My mum was having a gathering for a birthday. She came over and we discussed it briefly. Someone rang her (I've no idea who).
A few days later lodger told me 'Your friend Pete is going to the party isn't he?'
'? No? Why??'
'I heard your Mum on the phone to him!'
My friends don't call my mum or go to family parties as a rule.

There are many more examples of this sort of thing. Is it weird or am I being a grouchy old cow?
He also told me the neighbours opposite are stuck up because they have a cleaner 'and she doesn't work!'
I said that I've spoken to them and they don't seem stuck up,and how does he know she doesn't work anyway? (Lodger doesn't work either)!

Aibu?

@Carrott21

Sounds like he'd planned a wank in peace.

Just noticed this

He has no boundaries. I would ignore texts asking where you are and remind him that he’s not your dad, you need to tell him where you’re going etc.

Points taken about him having had a difficult life. This is why I do try to include him in things where possible

But why on earth would you do that? This is a business arrangement and you have been treating him like a new best friend. No wonder he is having trouble with boundaries.

I've lodged, and I know you need to be friendly and get on with each other but there is a limit!

when i was a lodger i had the opposite problem.
landlady was v inquisitive and would persist with asking personal questions. i would just ignore, mumble, or be vague.
she was a very pushy domineering type, with everybody.
OP, are you sure your lodger is not going through your personal things when you are out, maybe documents, or even clothes, wardrobe.
he seems to want to know how long you will be gone. that would make me uneasy.
could you set up a covert camera in your room.
i think you need to shut down inappropriate questions.

Something a bit off. I am suspicious that a man in his 50's is in such insecure housing, no job , no family apart from brother, and lodging with a younger female. Did you have references for him that all checked out? His relationship history is a question mark for me too. Is his stay with you temporary ,as in , this is a stop gap for him while he gets his own place sorted?

He may just be socially immature and have unclear boundaries but his behaviour is odd and the other things about him , feed into that for me. For you to have posted here, makes me suspect something about him and his behaviours has unnerved you. He is in his 50's so i would have expected him to at least have some savings from all those yrs working/poss previous hse sales/life generally that, he could fall back on instead of housing benefit?

I have never had lodgers or never would so maybe my view is a bit skewed. I am in my 50's and cannot imagine being in his position. That also makes me suspect he had made some poor life choices at best and that would make me suspicious. Why is he not working?

He is in his 50's so i would have expected him to at least have some savings from all those yrs working/poss previous hse sales/life generally that, he could fall back on instead of housing benefit?

Life isn’t always that simple.

I couldn't live like this!

You like him enough to invite him to join you on some social occasions but not so much that he can pass a friendly comment? It's nice that he's clean and helpful but should never ask a question?

OK then.

"@WomanStanleyWoman He is in his 50's so i would have expected him to at least have some savings from all those yrs working/poss previous hse sales/life generally that, he could fall back on instead of housing benefit?

Life isn’t always that simple".

Great name poster, i remember watching that episode.

I agree that life isn't always that simple but equally , that suggests to me that the OP is not really fully aware of his back story and what has led him to where he is now. There are question marks there. What is his history and how has he ended up in this position? If he were on my home i would want to know the lot. Lodging in yr 50's is unusual. To have nothing behind you in yr 50's is also unusual so what are the circs? To understand why he is not working now is a valid question. Op has not mentioned he has ill health, mental health or other restrictions preventing him from working.

His current behaviour and history just rings bells for me and clearly OP feels uneasy. Why did he leave his last place? He is receiving housing benefit so why not rent his own place? Or lodge with males? He has no family near or work so , he could move to an affordable area that his housing benefit would cover to enable him to love alone. It is just a very transient and insecure way of living as he is now and he is acting oddly.

As i have said i have never had lodgers , never needed to, never wanted to. I appreciate my view my skewed and i may be imagining all sorts but, OP clearly is concerned and her instinct is telling her something.

I agree with @Girl71 to a point. He's a lodger not a flatmate and I think I'd have done an interview-esque meeting first, where I asked why he wanted/needed the room.

@WomanStanleyWoman

He is in his 50's so i would have expected him to at least have some savings from all those yrs working/poss previous hse sales/life generally that, he could fall back on instead of housing benefit?

Life isn’t always that simple.

Life is indeed not that simple. I mean seriously can you not imagine how this has happened to him, and what he must actually feel about that?

It is quite possible to lose absolutely everything when a business goes bust- to lose every penny you have in savings, lose your home, lose your job and then very quickly almost lose your mind. You also might end up with PTSD following such a traumatic experience.

I have a friend in his 60's who lives in a bedsit and has not a penny in savings- he is in this position because he got divorced and was on a very low income.

I have friends in their 50's who rent privately and literally live month to month. They have no pension, no savings.

Hmm. I think- understandably - some posters are trying to make you feel a bit sorry for him, sure he does sound lonely and a bit vulnerable in a way being 50 and alone etc BUT that is not your problem. If you want a lodger and not a friend then that is your prerogative. It’s nice that he offers to watch your dog but you don’t owe him anything in return apart from being polite really! I couldn’t cope with someone being so chatty / into what I’m doing all the time.

My suggestion...

Him: "Insert nosy intrusive question/statement here"

Me: "That's a NUNYA sir!"

Him "Whats a NUNYA?"

ME: "That means its NUNYA BUSINESS"

Say that a few times and he will get the message. He keeps being intrusive because you keep answering him! You respond and reward his nosiness with an answer. The only way you can get him to stop is by not giving him any information.

@maddiemookins16mum

A man in his 50s lodging in a house is a bit unusual anyway. Most men of that age have their own homes/partners/families.

Why does this matter? What is the relevance to OP's issue? Everybody's circumstances are different and personal

@girl71

Something a bit off. I am suspicious that a man in his 50's is in such insecure housing, no job , no family apart from brother, and lodging with a younger female. Did you have references for him that all checked out? His relationship history is a question mark for me too. Is his stay with you temporary ,as in , this is a stop gap for him while he gets his own place sorted?

He may just be socially immature and have unclear boundaries but his behaviour is odd and the other things about him , feed into that for me. For you to have posted here, makes me suspect something about him and his behaviours has unnerved you. He is in his 50's so i would have expected him to at least have some savings from all those yrs working/poss previous hse sales/life generally that, he could fall back on instead of housing benefit?

I have never had lodgers or never would so maybe my view is a bit skewed. I am in my 50's and cannot imagine being in his position. That also makes me suspect he had made some poor life choices at best and that would make me suspicious. Why is he not working?

This is awful. Judgmental, accusatory and stereotypical profiling. Implying that this man is 'dangerous' and therefore a risk to OP, purely because of his age.....

"@PerciphonePuma This is awful. Judgmental, accusatory and stereotypical profiling. Implying that this man is 'dangerous' and therefore a risk to OP, purely because of his age..... "

Not at all @Perciphone. I am also in my 50's. I am the same age as OP's lodger. I am making observations. No where have i been accusatory or implied this man is "dangerous" in my posts. Pls do not mis quote me. I have never said the lodger is " dangerous". I am challenging his his history and OP's understanding of how he is now resident in her home . He is 50, he is lodging, there are genuine questions to be asked there. He is also being a bit weird now. Op does not have to tolerate that in her own owned home.

I am old enough to be OP's mum, would i want him in my daughters home , based on what she has told me ... no way.

Sounds to me that he’s just chatting and trying to be sociable. Maybe he’s a friendly soul? Sounds pretty harmless to me.

@LodgerDodging

Points taken about him having had a difficult life. This is why I do try to include him in things where possible although he usually declines.

He does have a brother who lives an hour or so away. He mentioned a few months ago that he wants to see him but he never seems to proactively arrange anything. I've even said his brother is welcome to visit in case he didn't think he was.

Still not your problem to solve. I think far too much is expected of women to make life easier for others.

I honestly couldn’t live like this.

He definitely does seem socially and perhaps emotionally immature or slightly under developed in some way. Again interesting to get different opinions. I take the point about my being inclusive and inviting him out with me etc but in fairness ive done this with other lodgers or acquaintances who have never then gone on to eavesdrop on telephone calls or wanted to always know where I am etc.

@LEMtheoriginal

Fuck that, it reads like the opening to a psychological thriller. Get rid!

This he sounds creepy AF

Ive just realised something else he does.
Repeats noises. If the dog growls or barks, he does. He will wander into another room and i can still hear him. 'Grr'. 'Grr'. 'Grr'....
If someone's phone pings or vibrates he says 'Ping!' 'PIIIING' afterwards. Odd. I do think he has some sort of abnormality so I am going to go easier on him.

That's kind of you but you don't have to live with his quirks (or symptoms) if you don't want to.

I do that!!! But only to my partner in a funny way.

@Movinghouseatlast

I do that!!! But only to my partner in a funny way.

Yes definitely not like that with him

I would respond to intrusive questions by being extremely brief and very vague - basically using non-committal words/expressions to say nothing at all. Try to establish boundaries without being unfriendly, but do respond with "why do you need to know" if he doesn't get the message or if his question's are totally out of bounds, e.g. his question about your mum's birthday gathering.

However, I'd also be slightly concerned as to where his 'relationship' with you is potentially heading, Firstly, the fact that he seems to think that you do have some kind of relationship. Secondly, his status as an older single male without any friends or means of support. There might a risk that he could just stay living with you for years and years, well into his retirement. What could be seen as quirks and awkward behaviour might become more ingrained, with boundaries eroded over time.

What do you know about his ling-term plans? And what are yours?