Nosy Lodger-would you find this annoying?

[LodgerDodging]

I don't know if I'm just a grouch.
I rent out my spare room. I've had several lodgers over the last few years. All different but all fine really.

I'm late thirties this one is late 50s.
He is great in that he is quite happy to look after things while I'm away or busy (including my dog if I can't take him).

He's clean and tidy, does housework, is helpful.
However he seems fascinated with things I do.

Example 1-If I ever leave the house he texts asking where I am or sometimes simply 'you've gone out, have you gone to the shop/your mums/other random thing I may have mentioned in passing?' Even though me leaving the house need not affect him at all.

Example 2-my partner was here and we went to the local pub just up the road. Once there I realised I wasn't dressed appropriately, it was very hot and I was getting bothered so I sme back home to take off my jeans and put on a dress. He was in his bedroom and heard me go in mine and shouted 'What you doing back?' And when i said 'I'm getting changed' asked me why. Why does he care?

Example 3 he heard me on the 'phone to a friend. About ten minutes after I'd hung up he came into the room and said 'Sarah?' I looked at him,puzzled and be repeated 'Sarah? The girl you speak to up the road sometimes you know, blonde hair, about 26?'
'Yes, what about her?'
'Was that her on the phone?'
(It wasn't, and the woman he meant isn't called the name he used either).

My mum was having a gathering for a birthday. She came over and we discussed it briefly. Someone rang her (I've no idea who).
A few days later lodger told me 'Your friend Pete is going to the party isn't he?'
'? No? Why??'
'I heard your Mum on the phone to him!'
My friends don't call my mum or go to family parties as a rule.

There are many more examples of this sort of thing. Is it weird or am I being a grouchy old cow?
He also told me the neighbours opposite are stuck up because they have a cleaner 'and she doesn't work!'
I said that I've spoken to them and they don't seem stuck up,and how does he know she doesn't work anyway? (Lodger doesn't work either)!

Aibu?

He sounds quite sweet, but annoying as fuck.

There's a reason he doesn't work and is renting a room at his age, and I think you're beginning to realise that reason . Just lay down your personal boundaries, like you would if you were dealing with a visiting 10 year old.

Sounds a lot like my ASD uncle!

He sounds lonely/bored. Perhaps you’re the only person he talks to or sees regularly so he sees you as a friend? Especially as you’ve asked him for favours like looking after your dog, that blurs the lodger/housemate boundary.

Or he may be socially awkward and attempting to make small talk.

Calling out ‘why are you back?’ When you rushed back early from the pub sounds more like he was concerned you’d had an accident or injury or something was wrong. When you said to get changed the ‘why’ may have meant ‘what happened to your clothes, are you hurt?’ Therefore letting you know he was there if you needed him but not coming out of his room.

Asking about neighbours and visitors with intense interest reminds me of when my dad retired, just before I left home. He was fascinated by everyone I met, as he’d gone from a busy work environment to a hermit-type life in a village!

Do you know his history at all? I wonder if he has daughters in their late 30s so has unconsciously taken a fatherly role towards you?

If I ever leave the house he texts asking where I am or sometimes simply 'you've gone out, have you gone to the shop/your mums/other random thing I may have mentioned in passing?'

Maybe he wants to ask you to pick up some milk/bread for him, but is too polite to ask in case you haven’t gone to the shop? So he finds out before asking as he doesn’t want you to feel obliged to visit a shop if you’re actually elsewhere?

Ill respond in more detail later but to clarify, regarding my dog I've said to him that I'm going to (partners/'do'/whatever) for the night so I'm dripping dog off at (sitter/kennels/exs house) and he'd say 'oh it's fine I'll have him!' I've never directly asked.

Jesus Christ, pass the egg shells for him to walk on 🤣I hope you don’t rent a room!

That idea made me laugh too! I’m sure it was well intentioned but yes if you want your lodger walk on eggshells that’s a great speech!

I get the impression (though I may be wrong) that OP has got into the habit of chatting to him in communal areas, if you trust someone to look after your home and dog while you’re away you must have interacted quite a bit.

Helpful, tidy lodgers who clean properly are not easy to come by. I’d rather one who is a bit nosy than one who ignored me and left a mess, or started arguments over petty things.

If he doesn’t go out much he may not know how to make small talk (about the weather etc) so he tries to latch onto what he thinks are suitable topics? Eg he overhears your phone call so thinks he has something to make conversation about?

regarding my dog I've said to him that I'm going to (partners/'do'/whatever) for the night so I'm dripping dog off at (sitter/kennels/exs house) and he'd say 'oh it's fine I'll have him!' I've never directly asked

But you’ve accepted his offers. You could have said ‘thanks but I’ve already sorted it’ or ‘oh that’s very kind but my sister’s looking forward to having dog’.

It's not usual for a lodger to text to see where you are, unless there's some kind of emergency, or to want to discuss overheard personal conversations. It sounds like he doesn't have much going on in his life, so he's taking a greater than normal (for a lodger) interest in yours. If you don't have any misgivings about him, other than being slightly irritated, and you are otherwise happy with the set-up, then that's fine. I think it would make a lot of people uncomfortable, though, including me!

Ive read all the replies and will take on board about the awkwardness and lack of social skills.
I do always offer wirh few exceptions, if I'm going to the shop-ill shout or text if I'm out does he need anything.
I know he hasn't ever been married and hasn't got children although he did have a relationship with a woman with children at one point.

@StrangeToSee

regarding my dog I've said to him that I'm going to (partners/'do'/whatever) for the night so I'm dripping dog off at (sitter/kennels/exs house) and he'd say 'oh it's fine I'll have him!' I've never directly asked

But you’ve accepted his offers. You could have said ‘thanks but I’ve already sorted it’ or ‘oh that’s very kind but my sister’s looking forward to having dog’.

Yes true. I would always rather dog was at home if possible as he isn't so keen on staying elsewhere apart from at exs house which is a bit of a trek for me so not so often.

I think often Lodgers who are a little older ,tend to possibly be a little socially awkward .It sounds like you are a very kind Landlady who wants to be friends .Does he have any family or friends at all? If not you can become close as he is obv lonely and likes to be part of a family . If you are happy with the situation then no worries .If not may have to do a rethink .

He sounds lonely and like he is taking a bit too much of an interest into your life because he has nothing else to do.

Sounds like he'd planned a wank in peace.

@HaveringWavering

Why doesn’t he work? Is his rent paid by housing benefit?

I'm not quite sure why he doesn't work now but I do know he had a business that folded (a family business he took over) a few years ago..and yes it is housing benefit. I guess he is better off lodging than paying for a whole house? And the housing shortage.

It sounds like he wants a friend. But that first example is totally overstepping and a bit creepy.

He sounds like he has a mild personality disorder. He’d he called a ‘misfit’ in days gone by. Someone who hasn’t confirmed to social norms for whatever reason. These men often lived with their mother’s their whole lives. My concern is he is blurring the boundaries and I’d hate for you to get yourself into a situation where he thinks you have some sort of ‘special relationship ’. Just tread carefully.

its a difficult relationship to have I think and I agree this sounds like someone who is bored/lonely and also has social skills that aren't exactly poor but aren't fine tuned to this situation.
You need to help him by setting the boundaries yourself. I can see the dog thing, wanting the dog to stay in the house. But you mentioned inviting him to the pub- this is exactly the kind of thing that gives him the impression you are friends.

I’m surprised at how many people think that the occasional bit of dog sitting gives someone carte blanche to quiz their landlady about phone conversations, text her every time she goes out wanting to know where she is etc.

It’s not like the OP is saying she never wants to exchange so much as a hello with her lodger - she just thinks he’s overstepping the mark. And I don’t blame her.

When random people are intrusive I ask "why do you need to know?"
They'll normally say something like I'm interested or just making conversation or similar. Then I say oh or ok or hmm but don't answer the question and change the subject instead. They don't repeat the question.

I would hate someone listening to my conversations and asking about them - also pretty odd to text asking where you are on a regular basis (a one off in case you had gone to shops is a bit different). Like others have said he sounds a bit lonely and like he wants to be involved in your life. Personally I wouldn’t be comfortable with that - but I’m a bit of an introvert and value privacy. In your shoes I wouldn’t respond to any texts he sends asking where you are and if he mentioned phone conversations I’d just say ‘I’m not sure what you mean/ don’t remember the call, was there a reason you wanted to know’ assuming there wasn’t a valid reason I’d then just shrug and say I’m not sure and either leave the room or change the subject - rinse and repeat until he hopefully got the message.

Absolutely agree with @FreeBritnee and her post about him being a "misfit" type. Honestly I'd never take on a lodger with no job or partner - when does he leave the house? Sounds like you're currently the vast majority of his human contact.

The stuff where he's asking about your friends by name seems like he's trying to prove he's your friend too.

Gosh, it sounds like he has had a bit of a difficult life recently. He has been through the mill.

Imagine being a lodger in your 50's on housing benefit and unemployed. It means he has literally nothing doesn't it? No home of his own, no job, no money no family, no love.

Approaching retirement age having had your life collapse like that must be scary. Loosing his business may have meant he lost his previous home. Imagine that, Imagine how that would make you feel.

Personally I wouldn't have taken a male lodger that much older than me, but maybe I'm old fashioned. I would think it was quite risky.

The bloke is obviously lonely with not much of a life of his own. He might not be able to see a a way out of it which must be so difficult.

Could be that he fancies the mate up the road and was angling for an invite to your mum's party.
Texting asking where you are I would ignore and when mentioned I would say oh I thought it was for someone else.
Coming back early and asking questions I would just think he's making sure you are ok.
There could also be an element of him taking on the role of a father figure.
Him looking after the dog I would keep it in place as it's encouraging him to go out and hopefully through those walks he can meet more people. It's not your responsibility obviously but it can be incredibly hard having a social life on benefits and even more so when things were closed. Now things have reopened he has more opportunities to meet more people.

I have to say it's also a bit odd that you don't know much about him but he is asking you minute details down to your mum's party guestlist!

Points taken about him having had a difficult life. This is why I do try to include him in things where possible although he usually declines.

He does have a brother who lives an hour or so away. He mentioned a few months ago that he wants to see him but he never seems to proactively arrange anything. I've even said his brother is welcome to visit in case he didn't think he was.