To be rude in this situation? [Content warning added by MNHQ: Child abuse]

[Question2149]

My parents have lived on the same street since I was small as have most of the people on it.

I had two close friends growing up who lived on the same street who I still speak to now although not as close these days as we've all grown up and moved away, had families etc.

One of the girls I used to play with on the street contacted me a while ago to say that there was an investigation going ahead relating to a man on the street inappropriately touching her when we were children. It has also come to light through this that it's not the first time he's been accused, he was accused previously by someone else of the same thing but was never charged. He is also denying this accusation from my friend.

I have been asked about that time, whether I remember anything, whether anything happened to myself (I believe not) and other than checking in on my friend occasionally have not had any further involvement in the situation.

My dilemma here is his wife is always trying to say hello, ask how I am, how my DC is, ask to see my baby etc... when I go to see my parents. It's incredibly awkward and I feel like she is trying to gauge which side I'm on.

I want to tell her straight not to speak to me, that my position is that I believe my friend and want nothing to do with either of them, even small talk. He has also tried to say hello and I have blanked him completely but the grey area for me is his wife.

Would you continue to say hello, or respond when asked how you are to this woman or would you think it acceptable for me to be rude and ignore her or even just say straight up "please don't speak to me"?

I absolutely believe my friend and so to me this is a woman who's stayed with a man who's twice now been accused of this.

@Question2149

They're scoping you out, either to groom you for access to your family, or to check out whether you believe his 'innocence

I believe it's the latter. That's the impression I get when she tries to talk to me. She wants to know who's 'side' I'm on.

So tell her? You can be polite, but let her know you believe her husband assaulted your friend when she was a child, and because of this you'd prefer to stay arms-length from both of them.

You do not have to be kind. You do not have to be rude. You owe this woman nothing and it sounds like she's trying to ingratiate herself with you. You can tell her kindly that you think it best that you don't speak to each other. This is your boundary, to which you are fully entitled.
What a distressing situation. Incidentally, what do your parents think about this? They live next door to her - they must have decided on a policy for dealing with her, surely?

I would follow the advice above, be polite but firm with the wife and say that she has chosen to believe her husband but you 100% believe your friend and that it's best she leave you and your baby alone.

It must be horrible to be questioned by the police and left wondering if there is something you don't remember in your past because of him.

I don't want to go into too much detail but your post could be about the streets I grew up on, things were happening there that I had no idea about as a child but I've recently spoken to someone who was abused. More than one man, more than one family, more than one generation. All of it seems to have been swept under the carpet, with wives standing by husbands and turning against children. I have always had good memories of growing up there but now I can't think back without wondering which of my school friends (certainly one of them, and not the one who disclosed things to me) might have been abused while we lived there.

Have you spoken to your parents about this? How do they feel about this man and his wife next door to them? Will they support you if you take this stance? And what about as your baby grows up, will you feel comfortable with your child playing in your parents garden with either of these people next door?

[quote fairynick]@Rosebel it isn’t really fair enough to believe a man who has been accused on two separate occasions of doing such vile things. It’s burying your head in the sand. She’s a paedophile sympathiser and she is part of the problem. Your poor parents having to live next door.
Next time you bump into her, I don’t think there’s a point in being too nice or too rude. Maybe something like “Listen, you’re standing by your husband which is your choice, but I’m standing by my friend. I think it’s best that we don’t speak”. And leave it at that.[/quote]
This seems very sensible - polite but firm and the best thing all around

This is a person who I believe did this horrible thing to my friend and they are trying to act like nothing is happening and it just feels so wrong.

Or the wife has also been groomed/in a relationship that for whatever reason she’s not able to up and leave. Maybe he is abusive to her, it’s not a big jump from peado to wife abuser.

If it was me personally I would still say hello and be kind but not go out if my way to seek her out.

I don’t know if anyone watched the documentary which followed peados and their families.
There was one wife which made me sick as her husband was convicted and sent to jail for viewing the worst child pornography and without going into detail he had a big interest in breast feeding and his daughter in law at the time had a baby and would breast feed in front of him before they knew what he was guilty of. After he was convicted the wife stood by him and visited him in prison etc and basically acted really loved up in front of the camera and stuck her head in the sand. The son and daughter-in-law still spoke to her and allowed her access to their child and when he came out she was only allowed to see the child in their home away from him. Then a few months later it hit her that he was a monster and she left him and said he made her feel sick.
So maybe this women is in denial right now.

@Question2149

They're scoping you out, either to groom you for access to your family, or to check out whether you believe his 'innocence

I believe it's the latter. That's the impression I get when she tries to talk to me. She wants to know who's 'side' I'm on.

Tell her straight, then.

'Before you say anything else, I fully support my friend and believe that your husband is a paedophile.'

After all, spouses of sexual abusers are also groomed - groomed to not believe the 'rumours made up by little girls wanting attention', 'mentally ill women', etc. Sometimes it can take multiple people saying 'actually, I think they're telling the truth/I think you're married to a paedophile' for the gaslighting and manipulation to start to lose its power.

Or they scuttle away and don't risk being told the same answer again.

I think the advice about being straightforward and saying you believe your friend is the best, if you do want to address it directly.

The fact that she's tried to approach your parents and your friends parents would be too much for me, it's like she's trying to railroad people. She should just be doing the decent thing and keeping her distance - particularly from your friend's mother. This ^ alone would lead me to believe she doesn't give a damn about how anyone feels and therefore why would I care how she feels so no, I'm afraid I would be rude and point blank ignore her if she tried to speak to me. But then, I have no issue being rude to awful people.

Just a thought, she doesn’t suspect that he tried something with you too, and is now trying to be friendly so that you suddenly won’t ’remember’ stuff from your childhood and he will have two accusers instead of just one.. Not saying that something happened to you at all, just that she can’t be sure.

Thanks for the content warning MNHQ I hadn't thought of that but is definitely best.

She should just be doing the decent thing and keeping her distance - particularly from your friend's mother

Yes I think that was really poor.

*Oh fuck off PPs trying to #bekind you into making small talk with a woman who is supporting a paedophile 

Yes be rude. You don’t have to talk to her. Just say excuse me and turn away if she presses the point.

Fucking hell.*

This!! All of it. Same goes for women who allow their children to be abused by the father and stick with him long after the children have left home. Both as bad as each other.

If you feel able to you could tell her you have been interviewed by the police about her husband and you want to be left alone. Support your friend, talk to your parents about it too maybe.

This is an occasion where you need to be blunt and tell her that you are not interested in maintaining contact with her and that you are standing by your friend. Any more cards or gifts should be returned. You don't need to be nasty but I wouldn't be kind either. This guys wife has chosen to believe him and she has to take the fall out that comes with her decision. I definitely wouldn't be letting either of them near my children

Definitely say as a pp said "your standing by your husband I'm standing by my friend. I dont think its wise we speak goodbye"
Half of me thinks shes trying to groom you to not say anything the other half of me thinks her world has just been tipped upside down and from what you've wrote theyve been together a long time so it might not be easy to switch her feelings off over time. Not that I am sympathising with her I just dont think it would be as easy as finding out you dh is a paedophile so you up and leave.

[quote Zebraaa]@AtrociousCircumstance and your attitude is exactly what’s wrong with the legal system.
He isn’t a paedophile because he hasn’t been charged with anything![/quote]
Completely agree.

OP you don't have to talk to or engage with anyone you don't want to, that's a general rule regardless of the situation.

But the dreadful responses on here that a woman accuses a man and therefore the man must be guilty because... oh yeah, he's a man.

Awful. I hope your husbands, sons, brothers, cousins never get accused just because a woman decides to point the figure without any proof.

But the dreadful responses on here that a woman accuses a man and therefore the man must be guilty because... oh yeah, he's a man.

He's been accused twice if you didn't read properly, by two different people. What are the chances of him being innocent?

I wouldn't engage, but neither would make a big massive deal out of ignoring her or saying which "side" you are on - if you just say hello or good morning, and then move on up the drive then what's she going to do, charge after you trying to make small talk?

If you find it really difficult, you can put airpods or headphones in just before you get out of the car and when she tries to speak to you just gesture to your ears with the telephone hand thing like you're on a call. I do it all the time (I have very chatty neighbours...!)

This is a good impersonal phrase which I use to anyone unwanted from sales people to whiney neighbours:-

"Not today thank you"

Delivered in a clipped and brisk tone with an abrasive "edge" to it. Preferably while you are still in motion and not even looking at them. Think of how professional people treat the media when they hang about waiting for a quote. There are ways of dismissing people by your attitude which do not require you to be aggressive or rude. But they will eventually get the message across.

I want to tell her straight not to speak to me, that my position is that I believe my friend and want nothing to do with either of them, even small talk.

Just say, I don't wish to speak to you because I believe my friend, please don't try and speak to me again.

If you feel that strongly @Question2149 (and I would too) then fuck worrying about this woman and her feelings.

You do you as they say.

Be firm and clear "I don't want to speak to you" and be done with it.

Also you dont need a lawyer to write a strongly worded "cease and desist" letter forbidding her to approach yourself or your parents, That should concentrate her mind wonderfully.

You don;t have to talk to or associate with anyone who makes you uncomfortable. And you have good reason not to want to talk to her. She is choosing to stay with a man who has been accused by separate people of sexually abusing children. Her choice, - your choice to believe she is enabling and supporting a paedophile.

It must be very unpleasant for your parents to live next door to this man - how do they cope with the situation ?

OP, as someone asked upthread, how have your parents approached this? Are they still speaking to both neighbours?

You don’t have to talk to her. You mention you have a child. I think it is really importa t not to give your child the impression that she is an ok person to talk to. Otherwise they may be happy to go with this lady into her home. Better to put a boundary in place now before your child is visiting your parents without you.