To be rude in this situation? [Content warning added by MNHQ: Child abuse]

[Question2149]

My parents have lived on the same street since I was small as have most of the people on it.

I had two close friends growing up who lived on the same street who I still speak to now although not as close these days as we've all grown up and moved away, had families etc.

One of the girls I used to play with on the street contacted me a while ago to say that there was an investigation going ahead relating to a man on the street inappropriately touching her when we were children. It has also come to light through this that it's not the first time he's been accused, he was accused previously by someone else of the same thing but was never charged. He is also denying this accusation from my friend.

I have been asked about that time, whether I remember anything, whether anything happened to myself (I believe not) and other than checking in on my friend occasionally have not had any further involvement in the situation.

My dilemma here is his wife is always trying to say hello, ask how I am, how my DC is, ask to see my baby etc... when I go to see my parents. It's incredibly awkward and I feel like she is trying to gauge which side I'm on.

I want to tell her straight not to speak to me, that my position is that I believe my friend and want nothing to do with either of them, even small talk. He has also tried to say hello and I have blanked him completely but the grey area for me is his wife.

Would you continue to say hello, or respond when asked how you are to this woman or would you think it acceptable for me to be rude and ignore her or even just say straight up "please don't speak to me"?

I absolutely believe my friend and so to me this is a woman who's stayed with a man who's twice now been accused of this.

[fan90]

I would blank her. I think it's possible that she genuinely believes that the accusations are false, but either way you don't owe any explanations or reasoning if you're uncomfortable, and the easiest thing here is to blank her and get on with supporting your friend.

[TheCrowening]

[quote Zebraaa]@AtrociousCircumstance and your attitude is exactly what’s wrong with the legal system.
He isn’t a paedophile because he hasn’t been charged with anything![/quote]
Correction. He’s not a convicted paedophile.

I don’t think “attitudes” or rather decisions to believe and support a friend has anything to do with the legal system.

[Maggiesfarm]

@Mamamia7962

I'm a bit confused how this woman sees you every time you visit your parents. Surely you just get out the car and go in their house, or am I missing something.

I thought that. You can tell your parents you would rather she didn't come round while you were there, asking them to be discreet. I'm sure they'll comply. If you are out and bump into her, you can smile, be vague and move on.

I imagine the woman has few friends following the allegations against her husband. They may well be true, especially in view of what your ex-acquaintance has said. However, at the moment, she believes him and when the truth does eventually come out, it still wasn't her who committed the offences. She will need as much support as one of his victims.

[OutOfTrousers]

Do your parents still have contact with these neighbours? Have you spoken to them about it? And do your parents ever have your DC to stay?

I think I’d be tempted to lie and say something like you’ve been interviewed by the police and advised not to have contact with their family.

[Maggiesfarm]

PS: Just tell the ex-acquaintance that you honestly did not know anything was amiss at that time, if you did you would say so. Wish her well, end of. You really cannot do any more because you know nothing.

[Gladimnotcampinginthisweather]

What's wrong with 'Hello Sue' and then a brisk walk into your parents'house?

[Regularsizedrudy]

[quote fairynick]@Rosebel it isn’t really fair enough to believe a man who has been accused on two separate occasions of doing such vile things. It’s burying your head in the sand. She’s a paedophile sympathiser and she is part of the problem. Your poor parents having to live next door.
Next time you bump into her, I don’t think there’s a point in being too nice or too rude. Maybe something like “Listen, you’re standing by your husband which is your choice, but I’m standing by my friend. I think it’s best that we don’t speak”. And leave it at that.[/quote]
Exactly this

[DumplingsAndStew]

I was going to name change for this, but can't be bothered.

The elderly man who lived across the road from us was found guilty of historic sex abuse and sent to prison. This was around 3 years ago, the abuse was around 30 years ago.

His wife stuck by him the whole time, when he was bailed, even after he was jailed. He maintained his innocence throughout, but there was enough evidence to sentence a very elderly man (he got just under a decade sentence, so fairly hefty, and in his 80s, he was very likely to die in prison, which he did).

I felt so sick. The first I knew of it was from media reports after he was sentenced. Although not friends, me and my young girls were friendly with them and would always stop to chat.

It came out that he had also been jailed for a similar thing many years ago, during which time she also maintained their marriage. I've been told by someone involved that she was involved in trying to blackmail the victims before they went to the police.

From that day, I stopped speaking with her. It wasn't necessarily a conscious decision, I just felt physically sick and panicking every time I saw her. Tbh, I'm feeling the effects just typing out this post. It seems she was fully aware of it through all these years. I just can't compete in my head how anyone can stand by someone in those circumstances.

Like I said, it's been a few years now, and he has since died, in prison, thankfully. I've recently started passing the time of day with her again, as we have to live in close proximity. I tell myself she is not responsible for the crimes of her husband, and try to remind myself that - never having been in that situation - you can never guarantee how you would act.

She's now a lonely old woman, a widow, and will always be known as the wife of a paedophile. I can live with my decision to keep her at arms length, be civil and neighbourly.

[Recessed]

When it comes to paedophilia you can never be rude enough. Politeness and an unwillingness to cause friction/make a scene is why so much of it goes unpunished. I abhor women who stay with child abusers.

I had a very similar situation on my childhood street. "Worse" in the sense the woman who stayed with the paedophile was my friend's (the abused child) mother. She's since divorced him but I will never speak to her and completely ignore her on the very rare occasions I see her. Her complicity is unforgivable IMO. Ignore her OP, perhaps she may feel a modicum of shame and will think twice about her decision to endorse this creep.

[Essentialironingwater]

I think you're within your rights to not talk to someone who it sounds like has attempted to harrass/interfere with your friends family whilst they go through a difficult time. She's not entirely innocent if she intervened in that way.

You don't owe small talk to anyone. It might be easiest to just tell her you don't feel comfortable talking with her given all that's gone on, once, and then decline to engage in the chit chat.

I don't buy into this 'poor woman, not her fault' stuff. Maybe if there was one accusation from an unreliable person but two separate accusations. I can't imagine standing by my husband but at the least I'd back the fuck off the families and their friends and possibly move too!

[Recessed]

But the dreadful responses on here that a woman accuses a man and therefore the man must be guilty because... oh yeah, he's a man.

Ugh give your head a shake.

[5zeds]

I’d be polite and move away. I don’t think the who’s side, I believe, etc is necessary or helpful.

[PercyPigandMe]

So much drama. What's wrong with a pleasant ' Hello Jane. Things all good with you?' as you walk up the path?

[HermioneWeasley]

I’d you think she’s trying to establish what “side” you’re on, I would tell her. “[name] I believe your husband is a paedophile. I have been questioned by the police about his activities and I do not wish to speak to you or him ever again.”

I’d also be very firm with your parents about what boundaries they have with these people

[Jerima]

@Question2149 how do your parents react to them both? Are they civil, do the blank them?

I had a similar difficult situation with my nextdoor neighbour. We were all very close kids played etc. Then he went to prison for attempting to kidnap a child. He's out now our families are not close at all anymore but it's a very difficult situation when it comes to bumping into them etc

[notthemum]

Please do exactly what fairynick suggests. I have very strong information for this viewpoint.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

@Zebraaa and @brendaboilover - a paedophile is someone who sexually abuses children - full stop. Even if they never get arrested or go to court, they ARE a paedophile, because of their actions.

[CoastalWave]

I would be polite.

You have no idea how you would behave in this situation and hopefully you will never have to find out.

[Maggiesfarm]

I think this can be handled without rudeness. She'll get the message.

[Ericabro]

I think that you should find out from your friend the name of the police officer dealing with this case and give them a ring at the end of the day they might class this as witness interferance and if for some reason you were called as a witness for your friend the first question i would ask you if I was representing the alledged abuser is why did you accept a gift of this person? your conflicted go with your gut and do the right thing x

[FoxgloveSummers]

I expect your parents have to keep up a surface politeness if this person is next door to them. You don't have to, though.

So many people are harmed by paedophiles, and abused as children. It's a real agonising pain at the heart of society that most people don't understand, even if they've been a victim they don't realise how widespread this criminality is. I don't mean that as a conspiracy theory, I'm basing it on stats. Anything that we can do to change the strange "norm" that most people accused of this stuff aren't guilty is good - the truth is the opposite, there are far more abusers out there who never get publicly accused.

(And for the "innocent until proven guilty" crowd, don't be so silly. If you stabbed someone and got away with it would you be actually innocent of that crime just because the police never caught you? Or actually guilty, even if not "found guilty" in the eyes of the law?)

[MangoBiscuit]

To start with I felt a little sympathetic to the wife, but then I saw that she tried to speak to your friend's mum about it. Which sounds like she's not just trying to pretend this isn't happening, but is trying some sort of damage control on behalf of her husband.

I tend to avoid confrontation, so I think in your shoes OP, I would be cold, shut down any conversation, and do my utmost to avoid her. I would NOT want to making idle chit chat with her.

[LadyRoughDiamond]

I think that there is a way that you can get your point across without being rude. Just be factual: Because of the nature of the current and any future investigation into her husband, unfortunately you can’t have any contact with either of them and you’d be grateful if she could respect this. Be clear, say it kindly, but reply to any objections with the fact that you can’t discuss the situation further.

[BobMortimersPetOwl]

I wouldn't be overly rude as your parents have to live there, but I'd just cut her off and say that given everything going on you don't feel comfortable conversing with her and walk away.

[Itsmeagainandagain]

Again if he hasn't been found guilty he therefore is an innocent man... Look what happened to that man who was accused of being a paedophile, turns out the person lied through her teeth and it ended up a witch hunt the man killed himself, an innocent man forced to take his own life because he was branded a paedophile, there is a reason these things go to court and to be tried in. How many innocent men have been jailed for someone else's lies?
Not saying your friends a liar but none of us here are judge, jury or executioner. Until he is found guilty and until that day he is innocent. Then you can let loose and ignore his entire family.