To be rude in this situation? [Content warning added by MNHQ: Child abuse]

[Question2149]

My parents have lived on the same street since I was small as have most of the people on it.

I had two close friends growing up who lived on the same street who I still speak to now although not as close these days as we've all grown up and moved away, had families etc.

One of the girls I used to play with on the street contacted me a while ago to say that there was an investigation going ahead relating to a man on the street inappropriately touching her when we were children. It has also come to light through this that it's not the first time he's been accused, he was accused previously by someone else of the same thing but was never charged. He is also denying this accusation from my friend.

I have been asked about that time, whether I remember anything, whether anything happened to myself (I believe not) and other than checking in on my friend occasionally have not had any further involvement in the situation.

My dilemma here is his wife is always trying to say hello, ask how I am, how my DC is, ask to see my baby etc... when I go to see my parents. It's incredibly awkward and I feel like she is trying to gauge which side I'm on.

I want to tell her straight not to speak to me, that my position is that I believe my friend and want nothing to do with either of them, even small talk. He has also tried to say hello and I have blanked him completely but the grey area for me is his wife.

Would you continue to say hello, or respond when asked how you are to this woman or would you think it acceptable for me to be rude and ignore her or even just say straight up "please don't speak to me"?

I absolutely believe my friend and so to me this is a woman who's stayed with a man who's twice now been accused of this.

[MaMaD1990]

[quote fairynick]@Rosebel it isn’t really fair enough to believe a man who has been accused on two separate occasions of doing such vile things. It’s burying your head in the sand. She’s a paedophile sympathiser and she is part of the problem. Your poor parents having to live next door.
Next time you bump into her, I don’t think there’s a point in being too nice or too rude. Maybe something like “Listen, you’re standing by your husband which is your choice, but I’m standing by my friend. I think it’s best that we don’t speak”. And leave it at that.[/quote]
I agree with @fairynick. Being rude isn't going to accomplish much but a simple statement saying you don't want to speak is fair enough. I don't think anyone (outside of some on MN) would blame you.

[IamtheDevilsAvocado]

I also would definitely have returned the gift and card signed by paedo and his wife...

Like hell, would I be (passively) encouraging any contact AT ALL with this couple.

They're scoping you out, either to groom you for access to your family, or to check out whether you believe his 'innocence'

Either is horrible.

[PegasusReturns]

He isn’t a paedophile because he hasn’t been charged with anything!

Don't be absurd of course he can be a paedophile without being charged. Or do you think poor Jimmy Saville was a misunderstood nice guy?!

OP you believe your friend and it’s fine to be disgusted that this woman would stand by her husband. You don’t have to do anything other than walk away if that’s what you want.

[Question2149]

Thanks. Yes when I say rude I don't mean calling her names and shouting or anything drastic like that but a simple to the point "I don't wish to speak to you because I believe my friend, please don't try and speak to me again".

The card from them both when my baby was born made me feel especially horrible. As if I'd just have that up on my mantel piece with the rest of them.

[Ohpulltheotherone]

You don’t owe anyone your time or your smiles and small talk.

No one.

Especially not someone who as far as you are concerned has stood by a man who has abused children.

Maybe she didn’t know at the time but she knows now.

And the fact that she doesn’t respect your space knowing that the woman is your friend and it’s inappropriate to speak to you says to me that she isn’t just being kind and friendly - she is trying tk gauge you or stay “on side”.
If she were a good person she would respect the fact she is mixed up in a very emotive situation concerning a friend of yours - and therefore keep her distance from you.
A smile and polite “hello” if she does happen to see you would be sufficient. She is pushing the boundaries and quite like you I’d be very uncomfortable.

She may not have done anything wrong but as far as OP is concerned she has and to be honest if someone kept trying to encroach my personal space when there’s a great big fuck off pedophile elephant shape in the room I’d be fuming.

I wonder how many pp who are telling you to be polite and that she’s done nothing wrong would change their tune if it was their neighbour and their child in question.

[Question2149]

They're scoping you out, either to groom you for access to your family, or to check out whether you believe his 'innocence

I believe it's the latter. That's the impression I get when she tries to talk to me. She wants to know who's 'side' I'm on.

[billy1966]

[quote fairynick]@Rosebel it isn’t really fair enough to believe a man who has been accused on two separate occasions of doing such vile things. It’s burying your head in the sand. She’s a paedophile sympathiser and she is part of the problem. Your poor parents having to live next door.
Next time you bump into her, I don’t think there’s a point in being too nice or too rude. Maybe something like “Listen, you’re standing by your husband which is your choice, but I’m standing by my friend. I think it’s best that we don’t speak”. And leave it at that.[/quote]
I can 100% understand your distaste and I wouldn't want to engage either.

How awful for your parents having him right next door.

I think the above is polite, firm, and completely your perogative.

[PamTheSpam]

If something makes you uncomfortable then just tell her you think it's inappropriate for you to speak to each other
Then ignore her if she continues

[muddyford]

You don't have to be rude or unkind but neither do you have to turn her into your bosom buddy. Be polite but brief. She has done nothing except stand by her husband, and what goes on in other people's marriages is always the great unknown, as reading any number of threads on MN shows.

[AtrociousCircumstance]

I’m astonished at posters telling you to be kind. Your friend was abused by her husband and she wants to merrily push her friendliness on you for her own reassurance. Seems like she has a problem with boundaries too, on a much lesser scale but still.

Ignore.

[Question2149]

I think I'd get the whole 'its not her fault so be polite thing' if I was just a random person from the community who'd heard some rumours but didn't actually know anymore than that.

But I'm involved in this situation both because of my friend and the fact that I've also had to discuss this with police and recount whether I believe he did this to me as well when I was a child and so on... It's not a comfortable situation. I've had nights where I've been unable to sleep for wondering if this could have happened to me and I just don't remember because I was so young. I feel too close to this to be nice and polite about it.

[Muchasgracias]

[quote Zebraaa]@AtrociousCircumstance and your attitude is exactly what’s wrong with the legal system.
He isn’t a paedophile because he hasn’t been charged with anything![/quote]
A legal system that has been letting women and children down for years and working to the advantage of male abusers.

[MzHz]

@Question2149

They're scoping you out, either to groom you for access to your family, or to check out whether you believe his 'innocence

I believe it's the latter. That's the impression I get when she tries to talk to me. She wants to know who's 'side' I'm on.

But if you’re being blunt, surely you’re making it fairly clear…

I don’t blame you at all and I think the matter of fact statement is definitely the way to go

[dworky]

YABU to blame a woman for a man's actions.

[Question2149]

@dworky

YABU to blame a woman for a man's actions.

Where have I blamed her?

[TheLovelinessOfDemons]

Mine was a slightly different situation, in that it happened to me, it was my stepdad, and I'd been told by police not to contact my DM unless it went to court. In your situation I probably wouldn't talk to her at all. Any presents can go straight to the charity shop.

[Cam2020]

It could well be that she's trying to scope you out or it could be that she feels ostracised and is looking for people to connect with so she can convince herself there bkthing wrong. You're absolutely not unreasonable though and you're not the right person for her to be seeking acknowledgement or validation from if that is her motive.

I'd be honest and just say that given the situation it's best not to talk. I'd be extremely cautious in any interaction with either of them.

What an awful situation - I hope your friend is coping.

[SheABitSpicyToday]

Just tell her to fuck off. There’s a wide of a local pedo where I am who tries her best to befriend people in the pub and no one will speak to her. She’s just as vile as he is by staying married to him.

[Waspsarearseholes]

@dworky

YABU to blame a woman for a man's actions.

It's not blaming her for her husband's actions though is it? It's not wanting to have a person who turns a blind eye to CSA cooing over your baby and trying to form friendships with you. Please don't try to turn this into a misogyny issue. It really isn't.

[NotFrozen]

OP I am with you. If I were in your shoes, I would be direct with the woman and make it clear you believe and support your friend. I would not speak to her again after that. Some one I love dearly was sexually abused as a child. The abuser was prosecuted but found not guilty. The person I know who was abused gave evidence as a child but it was not enough to convict. This was in the 80s. I have seen the pain and trauma that my friend carries, although he is very good at hiding it. Many, probably most, abusers get away with it. There is no way that you should have to be nice to this man’s wife.

[Waspsarearseholes]

[quote Zebraaa]@AtrociousCircumstance and your attitude is exactly what’s wrong with the legal system.
He isn’t a paedophile because he hasn’t been charged with anything![/quote]
This has got to be one of the most gross statements I have ever read on here. He isn't a paedophile because he hasn't been charged with anything.
That is such a disgusting thing to say. The number of abusers who are hiding in plain sight and ruining the lives of women and children while going about their daily lives is outrageous. For you to claim that real paedophiles are only ones that have been convicted is an extremely worrying and dangerous point of view and a huge slap in the face for the countless victims who never get justice. What is your motivation for these comments?

[MistyGreenAndBlue]

As you are of an age with your friend and lived next door to this man at the time, I wonder if she is trying to find out if you are also going to make an accusation. Probably at his behest.
Or maybe she suspects he did something to you too and wants to know.

I agree with others though.

Whatever her reasons, you are not obliged to talk to her and have every right to tell her to leave you alone.

[PegasusReturns]

YABU to blame a woman for a man's actions

Who says OP os blaming the wife for get actions of her DH? She is blaming her for choosing to stay with a child abuser.

[TreeDice]

This sounds really tough but I'm a firm believer in innocent until proven guilty. There's too many issues not to in the legal system including human error, memory issues, malicious reports etc etc. If you were wrongly accused of something that became common knowledge, how would you want to be treated?

You can support your friend and believe what you want about the man without assuming facts you dont have access to.

In terms of the wife, if you're not comfortable talking to her, then avoid or politely suggest that you arent comfortable at this moment in time.

[Winederlust]

[quote Zebraaa]@AtrociousCircumstance and your attitude is exactly what’s wrong with the legal system.
He isn’t a paedophile because he hasn’t been charged with anything![/quote]
It's actually your attitude that is exactly what's wrong with the legal system. So few abusers get charged or convicted because the victims aren't believed.