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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH's weekends away

100 replies

30baby30 · 26/07/2021 14:06

NC for this, as outing.

Background so no drip feeding: I am 32 weeks pregnant and have a 3yo DS. I have PGP which developed at around 20 weeks, but otherwise I have no health issues. We both work full time from home.

DH has been away on a golf holiday with his friends since Saturday, 6am. He returns tonight at about 10pm, post bedtime. As a result I've had my DS alone over the weekend and today he is at nursery whilst I work. Nursery is about a 20 minute walk each way for drop off/pick up and there is no bus there. This weekend I've been as active as I can be with my son, but it's meant doing more than I should be doing and causing my PGP to flare up, since DH took the car for his trip. I learned after he left that he drove two friends to the holiday; one of whom has a car and no family, so I'm not sure why he offered to take away my transport.

Next weekend he is away from Friday 2pm - Saturday 11pm so I'll be doing pick up from nursery on Friday eve and all day childcare on Saturday, plus bedtime. He won't be taking the car.

In 4 weeks' time, he is going to another city to spend the weekend with his friend whose birthday it is. He can get the train but I know he intends to take the car.

I've mentioned that I'm parenting solo to a couple of mum friends and they seem to think I'm an idiot, and I'm beginning to wonder if I am? DH is generally very caring and loving, and he does always ask if he can go away - he would never book without consulting me. Trouble is I always feel like an arse to say "no" and/or it seems so far away when we have the conversation, then all of a sudden the events come round and I feel abandoned.

He has floated the idea of a weekend away with his friends (golf, again) when the baby will be 4 weeks old which I have said no to, but is it appropriate to ask him to pick one or other of the upcoming events or have I missed the boat by "allowing" them in the first place?

Just to reiterate that I'm not normally so reliant on the car, it's the PGP making me reliant on it since the pain brings me to tears if I walk too much.

Is this normal DH behaviour? Should I say something? AIBU to want a bit more support given the circumstances?

OP posts:

MangoBiscuit · 26/07/2021 14:11

He shouldn't be taking the car.

If you're ok with parenting alone at this stage of your pregnancy, and you can manage fine, then of course there's no problem with him going away. But taking the car is making extra hard for you, and with PGP, that's not on.

MangoBiscuit · 26/07/2021 14:13

Also, just to clarify, if you're NOT ok with parenting alone at this stage of your pregnancy, and you CAN'T manage just fine, then of course there's no issue with telling him so. At which point I would expect him to scrap the plans for going away until you can manage solo again.

sailmeaway · 26/07/2021 14:13

There is absolutely NO WAY my DW would have gone away like this when I was heavily pregnant, let alone with a toddler as well! You need to tell him you need him to stay. He's going away when you're going to be 36 weeks pregnant?! Have you explained to him that babies can come before their due date?
Start saying no...

Original poster

30baby30 · 26/07/2021 14:14

Thanks. I have been feeling a bit muddled with the responses from others and couldn't really work out what was normal. Agree, if I'd had the car this weekend would have been considerably easier.

OP posts:

sailmeaway · 26/07/2021 14:14

You've not 'missed' the boat. Parenting is a two person job, and he needs to step up as a partner and father and start putting his family first.

Original poster

30baby30 · 26/07/2021 14:16

Thanks @sailmeaway. I did wonder if there's a point he just shouldn't ask and should assume I need the help (perhaps as I waddle up the stairs and complain of my sudden incontinence... ).

OP posts:

Teacupsandtoast · 26/07/2021 14:16

So you can book a weekend away for the weekend after next yes? That wouldn't be an issue for him?

DismantledKing · 26/07/2021 14:16

When is it your turn to go away for the weekend

4PawsGood · 26/07/2021 14:17

Start arranging some weekends away yourself, I would say.

And yes, he needs to leave you the car. You can’t manage without.

PicaK · 26/07/2021 14:18

I think you're verging on being a martyr tbh.

Right now you can't cope, you are in pain. He asks, about going away and you said yes. But now you need to say no.
Or at the very, very least you say "I need the car" and he has to get a lift, go by train or hire one.
Don't berate him for not realising you're suffering if you haven't told him.
Just explain you're in pain and you can't do it alone at the weekends any more.

Cuddlyrottweiler · 26/07/2021 14:20

Well if you're telling him it's fine then he won't know. Just tell him, actually, you've really struggled while he's been away and he cant do another two holiday, he can do one but you're going to need the car.

Also, you're going to book yourself a spa weekend so you can recoup before the birth.

Buckleyourseatbelt · 26/07/2021 14:21

He shouldn’t keep asking to go away. He should be able to see with his own eyes that you’re pregnant, looking after a toddler solo (worst combination IMO) and in pain.
And yes, leave the fucking car.

Pallisers · 26/07/2021 14:21

He left you with no car for a weekend at 32 weeks pregnant minding a 3 year old and with PGP. You are crying with pain when you do too much like this. And he plans to do the same when you are 36 weeks pregnant??? (won't even mention the golf weekend when baby is 4 weeks - that he even asked!)

That isn't my definition of caring and loving. I would say to him that the weekend away at 36 weeks will be way too much of a burden for you. And when he gets back next Saturday, go put your feet up and do nothing at all on Sunday - it is all his responsibility.

He is being very selfish- and asking permission doesn't change that.

Monday26July · 26/07/2021 14:23

YANBU

We have one child, a toddler, and I'm not pregnant. But DH still wouldn't do this. We both have the freedom to go away and see friends but there's an unspoken acknowledgement that it's hard work parenting on your own so don't take the piss, if that makes sense?

Like, I went away for two nights on a hen do a month ago, and later in the week I'm going away for 24hr (over one night) for a friend's birthday. In a couple months he's on a three day stag do, and has a weekend with friends planned. But then we probably won't do that much more for the rest of the year. It's roughly equal, and each time it's acknowledged that it's putting a lot of extra work on the other person. Parenting a toddler is amazing but it's also tiring and if you're used to having both of you around on a weekend it's a big deal to lose one of you and do it on your own even though you're perfectly able to cope.

I would certainly be expecting him not to go away overnight for the first six months with a new baby at the very least. We wouldn't have dreamed of doing that for the first six months. It was all hands on deck!

I think you need to have a chat and decide what's acceptable to both of you, it's great to be supportive of him enjoying his free time and maintaining friendships but once every two or three months for a night or so would be about the limit for me. I don't think that's unreasonable personally. You're both parents now. You really need to move away from the idea that you're an arse for saying 'no, I'm not okay with that'. Pregnancy is exhausting for many women and having toddler on your own all weekend on a regular basis while he's off having fun wouldn't wash for many people.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 26/07/2021 14:24

How is he when you say no? I think he is being a bit shit actually going away so frequently if he knows walking is currently painful for you. Or even without that, he is putting the decision making on you and making you the bad guy if you say no. I can see people wanting to do stuff before the second baby comes along, but the fact he asked to go away leaving you with a toddler and a 4 week old baby suggests he is just thoughtless at best or selfish at worst and isnt just a case of 'I know my life is going to be over for the next 6 months so I'll go out while I can'.

Does he ever say to you 'why don't I look after the toddler for the weekend while you see your friends and relax'? I personally think looking after a toddler for an entire weekend is not very relaxing and a bit lonely even without being pregnant and in pain. I wouldnt want to do it once a month.

Monday26July · 26/07/2021 14:24

And yeah... DH wouldn't have even considered leaving me for the weekend while heavily pregnant, and that's without any existing kids. He wanted to be around for me practically and emotionally. And in case I went into labour early! With a toddler in the mix, and there's just absolutely no way. I actually find the idea of him going off for a weekend away while you're 36wk and have a toddler quite preposterous.

sailmeaway · 26/07/2021 14:25

Missed the bit where he's taking the car too... is he REALLY that oblivious about what you might need at the moment?

Samanabanana · 26/07/2021 14:28

I'm shocked that he felt that it was ok to leave you for so many weekends to parent and that he took away your only transport!

AnneElliott · 26/07/2021 14:29

I think he's taking the poss - and esp in relation to taking the car and leaving you to walk!

Definitely say you can't manage - he needs to step up. This is what parenting is for goodness sake. Why do some blocked not recognise that?

Applesandpears23 · 26/07/2021 14:29

I found it helpful to think about it like this. It isn’t about you “letting him” go away. It is about him making you do his share of the parenting. Or as we joke in this house. You can do anything you like as long as you take the kids with you when you do it. Can he take his son with him on either of these weekends away?

HollowTalk · 26/07/2021 14:30

@Samanabanana

I'm shocked that he felt that it was ok to leave you for so many weekends to parent and that he took away your only transport!

Just this. I'm horrified, too. Leaving you without transport is so incredibly selfish. Leaving you to cope along with a small child when you're heavily pregnant is incredibly selfish, too. Can he not see that?

Don't go into martyr-mode, OP. Very few people would think he was reasonable.

AgathaX · 26/07/2021 14:31

What a selfish arse. Time you both sat down together and had an open and frank discussion about your health, and your expectations of support from him.

Original poster

30baby30 · 26/07/2021 14:32

Thanks everyone.

I haven't ever said "no" to anything, mainly because I don't really want to be that kind of person (which I now see is foolish and a meaningless stance to take), but I should add that he isn't usually away quite as often as this. He usually plays golf as a day activity so would be out for half a day every other weekend maybe, with the odd trip 3-4 times a year.

If I booked something or told him I was going to be away for a night he would be fine with that.. In fact I went away at 26 weeks pregnant for one night to see a girlfriend who moved to another City and it was no issue. He sent me photos of them hanging out etc, and was eager to hear about my trip when I got back. I guess the difference is I don't really choose to spend that much of my free time without my family?

My DS was born at 42 weeks so I hadn't really considered the idea of this one coming early but perhaps I need to rethink the practical elements of being solo at 36 weeks and going into labour. I guess that's not terribly unusual! I had been thinking that I'd say he could go if he took the train, but again I'll probably feel low and tired when the weekend comes round, so I guess it's better to raise tomorrow morning with him to set expectations.

OP posts:

Sexnotgender · 26/07/2021 14:33

How would he react if you said no?

He’s taking the piss quite frankly by taking the car.

Leaving your heavily pregnant wife with PGP looking after a toddler whilst you swan off with her only means of transport for a wee jolly is shit parenting/partnering.

Original poster

30baby30 · 26/07/2021 14:37

Yes, the car thing is a big deal. We are lucky in that we have a lot to do on our doorstep so I'm not usually one to require it, but I really do need it now. I thought he was driving because one of his mates can't drive so I didn't really bring it up, but I discovered after he left that he took a friend who has a car. That bit does sting, I must say.

Just checked my steps and I've done 5003 today - which was drop off to nursery this morning so it really is quite a way.

OP posts:

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