DH's weekends away

[30baby30]

NC for this, as outing.

Background so no drip feeding: I am 32 weeks pregnant and have a 3yo DS. I have PGP which developed at around 20 weeks, but otherwise I have no health issues. We both work full time from home.

DH has been away on a golf holiday with his friends since Saturday, 6am. He returns tonight at about 10pm, post bedtime. As a result I've had my DS alone over the weekend and today he is at nursery whilst I work. Nursery is about a 20 minute walk each way for drop off/pick up and there is no bus there. This weekend I've been as active as I can be with my son, but it's meant doing more than I should be doing and causing my PGP to flare up, since DH took the car for his trip. I learned after he left that he drove two friends to the holiday; one of whom has a car and no family, so I'm not sure why he offered to take away my transport.

Next weekend he is away from Friday 2pm - Saturday 11pm so I'll be doing pick up from nursery on Friday eve and all day childcare on Saturday, plus bedtime. He won't be taking the car.

In 4 weeks' time, he is going to another city to spend the weekend with his friend whose birthday it is. He can get the train but I know he intends to take the car.

I've mentioned that I'm parenting solo to a couple of mum friends and they seem to think I'm an idiot, and I'm beginning to wonder if I am? DH is generally very caring and loving, and he does always ask if he can go away - he would never book without consulting me. Trouble is I always feel like an arse to say "no" and/or it seems so far away when we have the conversation, then all of a sudden the events come round and I feel abandoned.

He has floated the idea of a weekend away with his friends (golf, again) when the baby will be 4 weeks old which I have said no to, but is it appropriate to ask him to pick one or other of the upcoming events or have I missed the boat by "allowing" them in the first place?

Just to reiterate that I'm not normally so reliant on the car, it's the PGP making me reliant on it since the pain brings me to tears if I walk too much.

Is this normal DH behaviour? Should I say something? AIBU to want a bit more support given the circumstances?

If you’re having a c-section there’s no way he can leave you with a newborn and a toddler.

I have been in that situation and it was so hard.

We had to get a nanny to help me when my husband went back to work. Lifting a heavy toddler after a c-section is dangerous in the early weeks.

He needs a reality check! But saying that my own husband was surprised I didn’t want to go to a party two weeks after our second DC the we born

He needed telling that managing a newborn and 18 month old after abdominal surgery didn’t inspire me to get my glad rags on

Just to point out that you can change your mind and still be a reasonable person

You said yes to the weekends away, but since then have developed PGP. You can change your mind and tell him that as you have developed this problem you would rather not be left, parenting on your own, and you would like him to prioritise you having the car on a daily basis.

This reminds me very much of DH when DS was young. sadly no second pregnancy but ongoing endometriosis complications whilst TTC.

What calmed him down for a bit was when DS said to me age 4 "Are you and Daddy divorcing because Daddy is away every weekend?"
His friends DPs were getting divorced- I relayed this to DH and he had the grace to calm it down a bit. Now DS is a teen and DH got a dog that he now wants to leave when he goes on his innumerable weekends away. Put my foot down at that one as although I love ddog he's DHs responsibility. I'm quite happy now when he goes as DS is no problem but ddog needs loads of walking.

He is being selfish and if he's like mine you'll wait a long time until he realises it of his own accord. Tell him he can't take the car.

My baby came at 32 weeks and 35 weeks

So can easily happen

Say no. It’s ok to say no

Yanbu to want/need him at home more right now, but you need to sit down with him and actually tell him that.

Just saw you’re having a section. Absolutely no way he can go on a jolly when you’ve got a 4 week old!

Has he ever actually looked after his own child for an entire weekend? If not I'd seriously consider going to stay with famly or friends one weekend soon. So that you can get a rest before the birth and so that he can actually see how relentless and hard work it can be, and he might then think twice before thinking about booking a load of weekends away

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate the comments.

I will have a chat with him tomorrow and say that next weekend is fine provided he takes DS out on Sunday, but that the 36 week trip is not likely to be OK given chance I might go into labour and, even if I don't, the fact I will generally struggle without him here.

I will also be clear about how difficult I found this weekend and mention the car issue too.

Also I'd be telling him I was a bit hurt by his attitude. What he is actually asking is 'is it ok for you to do my share of parenting this weekend, on top of your own, again, while you're pregnant and in pain, and take away your only way of getting around?' Why does he think it's even ok to ask this of you? How can he be having fun knowing you're in pain just from walking about with your toddler?

@DrinkFeckArseBrick he's done a couple of one nighters when I've been away, but I have only ever been away for two nights once for my cousin's hen do when DS was about 18 months old. The exhaustion/tantrum factor has ramped up since then!

I had to have a c section for medical reasons. I was told from week 35 that I must have someone present who could drive me to hospital if I had any signs of Labour. My DH dropped everything, organised WFH (which wasn't the done thing even just 4yrs ago), and stayed with me that while time just incase. I went the full 40 weeks (but that's another issue!!🤣).

Your dh needs to step but but you need to talk to him and find a compromise you are happy with.

One nighters are a lot more manageable. You should book some two night trips away yourself, and if he does do any more of these golf weekends he leaves the car at home and sticks to one night only while the kids are so young.

Ooft he's having a nice wee time to himself isn't he. It sounds like you've given an inch and he's taken a mile. Sadly very common, in my experience. Best nip it in the bud before your resentment grows as it's very difficult to come back from that.

I don't "say no" to this sort of request, but I compromise on things that are workable for me. So:

1. no taking the only car when I have a toddler to cart about/pregnant etc.

2. one night away, and back well before bedtime on second day

3. he needs to be prepared to deal with the kids to give you just as many breaks away as he is taking.

How far away is your DH at the moment? Could you ask him to come home now so that he can help with bedtime, even if he can't get back in time for nursery pick up?

He's taking the piss and it's only going to get worse, you need to out your foot down. Very selfish

@30baby30

How weekends away do you get?

Also if your one car family the car stays where the children are.

What about if there was an emergency and you're without transportation?

As long as you get equal time off from parenting and get left with the car then I don't see the issue but the weekend away when the baby will be 4 weeks old is insensitive.

You are expecting him to be a mind reader. If it's not ok then say so. If he must have the car get organized about taxis etc. Book yourself a weekend away child free later in the year .

@123ZYX he is a 2.5-3 hour drive away, so even if I asked him to leave now he probably wouldn't be back for bedtime.

Car stays where the children are is a good rule, I might pinch that.

@CatRatSplat is that the rule? I guess it makes sense. They won't let me have this one naturally so I suppose I do need to be on high alert and get to the hospital pronto if there are any twinges.

YANBU but these 'trips'....are you absolutely, 100% without a single shadow of doubt sure they are what he says they are? Because they are becoming too frequent and too long (I don't think golf ever needs an overnight stay somewhere), I'd be very suspicious. Very suspicious.

It sounds like he is pretty selfish and oblivious. To leave his wife who is pregnant this frequently when you're in pain? He should love you so much that he shouldn't need it spelled it, almost all of his attention and thoughts should be on you. He seems to be quite self-absorbed and simply doesn't seem to think about you without being told. You need to have a long talk with him about his selfishness, but I'd secretly ascertain just what these 'trips' truly are, first.

I don't know any relationships with children involved where a parent gets to spend so many weekends away. How can you fit in weekends for you and family time in all this.

He might ask, but his expectation seems to be that you will say yes. Sometimes my husband will ask if it's ok to spend larger sums of money on his hobby. Both of us know I will say yes because he rarely does this and I know he is careful with money. Basically he doesn't take the piss, but you husband is.

@NeonDreams I am convinced they are golf and nothing sordid. His other mate came to ours the night before they left, I spent Saturday with one of the other golf wives, and I've seen a photo them taken yesterday all looking like eejits in their golf gear!

Next weekend is a music thing with another two male friends I know who have mentioned it to me, and the birthday weekend is a trip with the fella who stayed the other night and he mentioned it as well (plus I know it's his birthday then). So I have no doubt that he really is just that boring and loves golf .

If he genuinely can't work it out got himself, then maybe you really need to step him through what your weekend is like, pregnant, in pain, car-less and looking after a toddler on your own. But tbf OP hadn't worked it out either until this weekend. She'd said yes to the others not because she felt she had to - she's said no to the post 4 week one -but because She thought it would be fine.

If they've both always asked and had honest replies, i don't think he can be blamed for not thinking he knows better than her.

But yes @30baby30 tell him how hard it's been. You need the car and you really don't want him going away at 36 weeks in case you go early

You shouldn't have to ask your partner to treat you with kindness and consideration. That should be a given.

He is only thinking of what he wants, not your needs. He sounds monumentally selfish

Mine has trouble thinking beyond his own role in things- can imagine him wanting to take the car in that situation in case he needed to get back quickly because of the pregnancy and thinking that was the responsible thing to do. He'd need it spelling out that I would miss the car. Could it be that??