DH's weekends away

[30baby30]

NC for this, as outing.

Background so no drip feeding: I am 32 weeks pregnant and have a 3yo DS. I have PGP which developed at around 20 weeks, but otherwise I have no health issues. We both work full time from home.

DH has been away on a golf holiday with his friends since Saturday, 6am. He returns tonight at about 10pm, post bedtime. As a result I've had my DS alone over the weekend and today he is at nursery whilst I work. Nursery is about a 20 minute walk each way for drop off/pick up and there is no bus there. This weekend I've been as active as I can be with my son, but it's meant doing more than I should be doing and causing my PGP to flare up, since DH took the car for his trip. I learned after he left that he drove two friends to the holiday; one of whom has a car and no family, so I'm not sure why he offered to take away my transport.

Next weekend he is away from Friday 2pm - Saturday 11pm so I'll be doing pick up from nursery on Friday eve and all day childcare on Saturday, plus bedtime. He won't be taking the car.

In 4 weeks' time, he is going to another city to spend the weekend with his friend whose birthday it is. He can get the train but I know he intends to take the car.

I've mentioned that I'm parenting solo to a couple of mum friends and they seem to think I'm an idiot, and I'm beginning to wonder if I am? DH is generally very caring and loving, and he does always ask if he can go away - he would never book without consulting me. Trouble is I always feel like an arse to say "no" and/or it seems so far away when we have the conversation, then all of a sudden the events come round and I feel abandoned.

He has floated the idea of a weekend away with his friends (golf, again) when the baby will be 4 weeks old which I have said no to, but is it appropriate to ask him to pick one or other of the upcoming events or have I missed the boat by "allowing" them in the first place?

Just to reiterate that I'm not normally so reliant on the car, it's the PGP making me reliant on it since the pain brings me to tears if I walk too much.

Is this normal DH behaviour? Should I say something? AIBU to want a bit more support given the circumstances?

I cannot imagine being married to such a selfish arse. He thinks he is still single, that’s the trouble.

"DH, you are a grown up and a father - why do you need me to spell out what is right in front of you? Why can't you use your eyes and then use your words and tell your friends no, you're needed at home? Why is that, DH? Why?"

Answer: head you lose, tails I win.

You either agree and then he can do as he pleases or you disagree and you're the bad guy unreasonably stopping his fun and controlling him. Win win for him, lose lose for you.

He's not that caring.

He is taking the piss.

But also - can you or he not rent a car sometimes so he can take one without leaving you without while you have mobility issues

Firstly, get a taxi to and from nursery and any other trips you need. It's not an extravagance; it is necessary to stop you being in pain and is a cost incurred by your dp taking the only transport (so not your expense iyswim).
That doesn't solve your main problem though.

You say he is a "caring and loving". What does he say when you point out how many weekends he is away? Is it 3 weekends in 6?

Have you pointed out how much of the parenting/home burden he is forcing his pregnant wife to bear, while he is enjoying himself?
Maybe he is just being a bit clueless. But if he is genuinely a good guy and a good father just being a bit thoughtless, when you spell it out for him he should get it.
If he is genuinely caring and loving, he will be embarrassed when he really understands what he is asking of you.

There is NO WAY he should go away when you're 36 weeks, that's crazy

I would say perhaps this coming weekend is okay if he's not taking the car, but then that's it for weekends away for quite a while

It's okay to say 'no', it really is

I'd be willing to give him the benefit of the doubt if he's not normally an inconsiderate ass. But then, you need to be saying v clearly that you can't cope without the car and frankly, as it gets closer to your due date, you're finding it v difficult to solo parent for long periods and you need him around more.

We have 2 cars. At one point, our second car died and we had no car while we sourced a replacement. DH casually mused one day, "you know, having one car hasn't been so bad, maybe we should stick with that." He genuinely hadn't even bloody noticed how inconvenienced I had been. I was livid. He backed down super super quick. It's annoying you have to point this stuff out but the real test is how he responds when you do....

@SquishySquirmy I genuinely think it's cluelessness rather than malicious behaviour, but I can see that I may be the reason he thinks it's OK, because I've never said no to anything and trust him to make appropriate decisions most of the time. I think that's where he has perhaps gone wrong here, and the same criticism goes for me for not recognising how shitty I'd feel and just asking for help. Yes, it's 3 weekends in 6.

I will get a cab to pick up tonight.

Thats a joke, stop this maddness now. You are 32 weeks pregnant. Start saying no to everything and hes definately no longer allowed the car including for his friends birthday. You are obviously lovely but stop being taken for a mug and stand up for yourself.

He thinks looking after your toddler is basically your job, he might ‘help’ when it suits but he’s not the default parent. Him ‘asking if it’s ok’ is just to put a sheen on it- he’s assuming you’ll say yes and when you do, well he can go guilt free. It’s so selfish to even ask you if he can leave you when you’ll be 36 weeks pregnant and looking are a toddler and in pain, putting you in a position where you feel bad for saying no, he should recognise that that’s really not on.

Are you also doing all the nursery runs?

When the baby is here, you will need him to step up with the 3 year old, especially if you breastfeed

Cluelessness isn't any better. A grown man with a child already shouldn't need telling leaving his heavily pregnant wife with a toddler and no car while she's in pain is shitty behaviour.

@MattyGroves I'm doing all the nursery runs whilst he's away but no, for the past 8 weeks he has been doing pick up and drop off every day, and I do one evening a week pick up because I enjoy collecting him. I've done the odd extra here and there if he's had a work meeting, but that's it.

I think that's where he has perhaps gone wrong here, and the same criticism goes for me for not recognising how shitty I'd feel and just asking for help
Never ask your husband to "help" you do something that he should be doing his share of anyway.
You might get to a point where you need help in that he will have to pick up extra work to let you rest, but if you just need him to do his fair share then thats what you tell him.
He's not doing you a special favour by being a decent husband and father.

@30baby30, "he thinks it's OK, because I've never said no to anything"
I have no words.

Yes you have trusted him to make appropriate decisions but how can taking the ONLY car from his pregnant wife when there are other options anything other than being completely selfish.

I think the car thing needs to be addressed because it is one thing these weekends (which frankly at you being 36 weeks then having a 4 week old is debatable anyway) is a whole other thing entirely.

You shouldnt be saying no - he shouldnt be floating this in the first place.

The difficultly you have felt and the flare up you have had is I think an easy way into discussing actually his complete selfishness

You have been more than generous. Your DH is now taking the pxxx.

He sounds selfish. Of course being a parent doesn't mean you can never go away, but fuck me, going out 50% of weekend when you have a toddler and you are heavily pregnant, what a selfish arse.

There’s nothing wrong with going away for weekends and trips and things, and not being able to manage your own kid/s on your own is not a good enough excuse really.

But, your heavily pregnant and the new baby will only be 4 weeks old and you will be sleep deprived, so due to the exceptional circumstances he should either not go or arrange help to come in in the form of childcare and a cleaner if both parties are ok with that. If not, then it’s just a consequence of being a parent and you can’t do everything you would like too.

You need to start viewing yourself as a partnership where you can state your needs rather than as a woman who might come across as newdy and controlling.

If its too much for you now then tell him, its no biggie.

Needy not newdy

I don't want to alarm you @30baby30 but my first child was 42 weeks, second at 36 weeks. Bit of a shock as I was expecting him to be late too!

@GiveMeAUserName123 that's not a bad shout - maybe I can shock him with the cost of a maternity nurse for 4 days!

@2020nymph no?! I genuinely hadn't even considered it! OK, point taken.

This one will be a c-section for medical reasons, so I really don't think I'll be able to be on my own with a 3.5 week old and a toddler I can't lift! Big NO to that!

Are you ultimately going to need a second car anyway, if you’re at home with the baby while the older is at nursery? Is it fine to have that conversation now?

Either way, if you’d prefer he stay home from 36 weeks (I would) say so. Especially if you would otherwise be relying on friends/family to step into mind the toddler if you needed to go to hospital. If you have the support, and are okay with him going, he should hire a car for his trip or get a lift. No way should you be waddling around in pain man-handling a toddler or trapped at home!

You’re perfectly free to “change your mind” when it gets harder every day. Just tell him this weekend was tougher than you thought it would be when you agreed to it X number of weeks ago. From now on you will definitely need the car. I would let him get the train or a lift next weekend but scrap the trip at 36wks - if he gets the train, how does he get back if you go into labour at 1am?! He should really be close to home for those last few weeks, not least so you can be putting your feet up!

trust him to make appropriate decisions most of the time

If he genuinely can't work it out got himself, then maybe you really need to step him through what your weekend is like, pregnant, in pain, car-less and looking after a toddler on your own.

I'd ask him to describe his weekend, then describe yours. Ask him whether he things this state of affairs if fair between two adults. By asking you, he is turning you into 'Mummy' or even 'Nanny' which really is not equitable.

Explain that it was much tougher than you expected and you need him to step up.

How he reacts when he hears 'no' will tell you slot about him as a person.