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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH's weekends away

100 replies

30baby30 · 26/07/2021 14:06

NC for this, as outing.

Background so no drip feeding: I am 32 weeks pregnant and have a 3yo DS. I have PGP which developed at around 20 weeks, but otherwise I have no health issues. We both work full time from home.

DH has been away on a golf holiday with his friends since Saturday, 6am. He returns tonight at about 10pm, post bedtime. As a result I've had my DS alone over the weekend and today he is at nursery whilst I work. Nursery is about a 20 minute walk each way for drop off/pick up and there is no bus there. This weekend I've been as active as I can be with my son, but it's meant doing more than I should be doing and causing my PGP to flare up, since DH took the car for his trip. I learned after he left that he drove two friends to the holiday; one of whom has a car and no family, so I'm not sure why he offered to take away my transport.

Next weekend he is away from Friday 2pm - Saturday 11pm so I'll be doing pick up from nursery on Friday eve and all day childcare on Saturday, plus bedtime. He won't be taking the car.

In 4 weeks' time, he is going to another city to spend the weekend with his friend whose birthday it is. He can get the train but I know he intends to take the car.

I've mentioned that I'm parenting solo to a couple of mum friends and they seem to think I'm an idiot, and I'm beginning to wonder if I am? DH is generally very caring and loving, and he does always ask if he can go away - he would never book without consulting me. Trouble is I always feel like an arse to say "no" and/or it seems so far away when we have the conversation, then all of a sudden the events come round and I feel abandoned.

He has floated the idea of a weekend away with his friends (golf, again) when the baby will be 4 weeks old which I have said no to, but is it appropriate to ask him to pick one or other of the upcoming events or have I missed the boat by "allowing" them in the first place?

Just to reiterate that I'm not normally so reliant on the car, it's the PGP making me reliant on it since the pain brings me to tears if I walk too much.

Is this normal DH behaviour? Should I say something? AIBU to want a bit more support given the circumstances?

OP posts:

DelphiniumBlue · 26/07/2021 16:53

Tell him you need the car and help at the weekends. Can he arrange for a mothers help or something?

QueenBee52 · 26/07/2021 16:55

@Clymene

You shouldn't have to ask your partner to treat you with kindness and consideration. That should be a given.

He is only thinking of what he wants, not your needs. He sounds monumentally selfish

Yes I have to agree with this.. unbelievably selfish...

I'm so sorry OP...

DeRigueurMortis · 26/07/2021 16:56

It's good in every relationship to have the space for your own interests and hobbies.

That said, there's a point where it's simply too frequent and unfair on the other person.

That point can vary with family circumstances and frankly your wife being pregnant is one of them.

You are being silly agreeing to these trips but he's being selfish asking in the first place (and doubly so if he's taking the car).

You've absolutely no idea when this baby will arrive. My DS was born at 37 weeks and your first born being late is no guarantee that this baby will also be on time of overdue.

By contrast to your DH mine knocked everything on the head from 35 weeks. Not just weekends away, but evenings away and he also went teetotal in case he had to get me to hospital in a hurry.

I didn't ask him to do this. It was all his doing because in his words "You're doing the hard part, growing and birthing our baby, it's my job to do everything I can to support you in that".

This trip at 36 weeks and the one when you'll have a newborn and be post c section need knocking on the head.

Both those trips are taking the piss and you need to tell him "no".

crimsonlake · 26/07/2021 17:07

Basically he is living the single life whilst married. My ex started doing this and I wanted to be the 'cool' wife and never said no. Tbh if I had said no he would probably have told me I was not his mother.

Muchasgracias · 26/07/2021 17:11

I remember encouraging my DH to get a few weekends away in, in the late stages of pregnancy because once the baby arrived he wouldn’t be doing that for a while. BUT he would never have taken the car and left me with a toddler and I was in good health. I’m appalled your DH did that. But as PPs have said you need to sit him down and give him a talk and set the bar going forward.

SleepingStandingUp · 26/07/2021 17:15

@crimsonlake

Op has already to said to other ones which hes respected tho, which is the key difference

MrsN100 · 26/07/2021 17:23

Yes you are a complete walk over. You would never think he has a family with the amount of trips away he does. At this stage of your pregnancy with the pgp and a toddler, he should be cutting his jolly social life down. You seem to be confused about being grateful for what he should be doing as a bare minimum. Don't play cool wife, it will bite you back.

tootiredtobother · 26/07/2021 17:27

OP, are you Julia from 'Motherland' ? her husband was always buggering off and leaving her to it
JUST SAY NO

HighNetGirth · 26/07/2021 18:21

Asking permission is a bit of a trap. I used to get quite cross with DH when he went through a phase of doing it. You either agree something that is fundamentally unfair or refuse and get portrayed as difficult.

Your DH is not willing to look at the situation and come to his own decision about what is fair and reasonable. Likely because that would mean not going away half so much and never taking the car. So he throws it in your lap.

Original poster

30baby30 · 26/07/2021 18:24

@HighNetGirth yes, I feel a bit this way too. I would rather he just judge the situation a little better.

In slightly more positive news he just called me to say he was 10 minutes away and that he would do bed and bath time. I'm glad he's doing that and it also means I can have the conversation tonight rather than tomorrow.

Thanks again for everyone's comments. I know it sounds silly but when you're in something it's hard to always see the right way. Pregnancy hormones, as usual, not helping!

OP posts:

LemonRoses · 26/07/2021 18:28

He knows he’s a married parent I assume?
Aside from the time and dumping on you so he can have fun, it must be costing an amount that could and should be going into family coffers.

If he can spend in that way, he needs to ensure you have a cleaner/mothers help and car to use.

LannieDuck · 26/07/2021 18:44

Totally reasonable to revisit his weekends away now that he's been for the first one and you've discovered how difficult it is for you at the moment.

You wanted to be fine with him going, but it turns out you weren't and you struggled. At this point, he really ought to make the decision for himself to stay home.

Either way, definitely, definitely tell him you need the car. You have a painful health condition and you're doing all the work while he's on a hobby weekend.

likeafishneedsabike · 26/07/2021 18:50

I totally agree with other posters who say that it’s not a case of ‘letting’ or ‘allowing’ a man to go away. It’s a case of one parent asking the other parent if they would be prepared to cover their share of parenting for a set period of time.
This was quite easy to explain to DH because he is a teacher. If a teacher isn’t there, the class is still there - so someone else has to cover the class and take the place of the teacher. It’s very similar with the parenting of young children. If a parent isn’t there, the child still requires care. Are there any other useful analogies that would work for non teachers? Surely it’s the same in a lot of jobs - if you are not there then someone else has to do your share of the work?

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 26/07/2021 18:56

Its normal husband behaviour if your husband is a massive selfish prick who doesn't care about you or your children.

topwings · 26/07/2021 19:16

Bollocks to him "asking you" - that way, he looks oh so reasonable but ultimately is making you feel bad for having to say "No".

He made you say No to him going away when your baby will be 4 weeks old! He should just have said no to his mates; at a push, he could have mentioned the weekend to you but said he refused it.

Neither I nor my DH have anything like the number of weekends away that your DH does so I think he goes away far too much but if you can afford it and you're happy to facilitate it, that's up to you.

Arsebucket · 26/07/2021 19:33

My dh can be a twat at times but there’s no way he would have gone away when I was pregnant with another child to look after, health issues or not.

He’s only had two nights away in all the years we’ve been together, think I’ve had three.

That really is a lot of time away on jollies.

rookiemere · 26/07/2021 20:48

Hope the conversation goes well OP. If he's like mine it will be a series of conversations over a period of years.

IcedSpice · 26/07/2021 20:52

@30baby30

Thanks everyone.

I haven't ever said "no" to anything, mainly because I don't really want to be that kind of person (which I now see is foolish and a meaningless stance to take), but I should add that he isn't usually away quite as often as this. He usually plays golf as a day activity so would be out for half a day every other weekend maybe, with the odd trip 3-4 times a year.

If I booked something or told him I was going to be away for a night he would be fine with that.. In fact I went away at 26 weeks pregnant for one night to see a girlfriend who moved to another City and it was no issue. He sent me photos of them hanging out etc, and was eager to hear about my trip when I got back. I guess the difference is I don't really choose to spend that much of my free time without my family?

My DS was born at 42 weeks so I hadn't really considered the idea of this one coming early but perhaps I need to rethink the practical elements of being solo at 36 weeks and going into labour. I guess that's not terribly unusual! I had been thinking that I'd say he could go if he took the train, but again I'll probably feel low and tired when the weekend comes round, so I guess it's better to raise tomorrow morning with him to set expectations.

My first was nearly 42 weeks, my second was 36 weeks....

Hanab · 26/07/2021 21:53

If he goes the car stays .. everytime no questions asked. Tbh he is a selfish git! But you love the man & know him better .. take care of yourself Mama to be .. he doesn’t seem to be doing a good job of it..

Erwhatno · 27/07/2021 00:15

What a selfish git

maddening · 27/07/2021 00:29

He can rent a car

BlueBellsArePretty · 28/07/2021 01:00

How did the conversation with your husband go 30Baby30?

Rno3gfr · 28/07/2021 01:14

So when are you having your next 6 weekends away op? Is he going to take a weekend away when baby is 4 weeks old and then you will at 5 weeks old?

Switch things around. Would you treat him the way he’s treating you?

He’s incredibly selfish.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 28/07/2021 08:05

Very self-centred behaviour. Please nip in the bud the giving /refusing 'permission.

Something like :

' I've got a golf weekend on when newborn will be 4 wks/ post Caesar - can I go and take the car? '

OP-' Uh huh - so what do you think you should do?

'Can i go?'

You make your decisions. What do you think YOU SHOULD DO given I'm heavily pregnant /4 weeks post major surgery... And how you think you can best support me, me having our child?

And wait and see what he says...

Bugger taking your only means of transport... My dad did this continually when we were growing up... Several times a week evening and most weekends... Which meant we could NEVER do any after school things... It was shit

CatRatSplat · 29/07/2021 18:12

@CatRatSplat is that the rule? I guess it makes sense. They won't let me have this one naturally so I suppose I do need to be on high alert and get to the hospital pronto if there are any twinges.

I don't know if that is for everyone but baby was breech and previous pregnancy complications meant it was for me.

If he does disappear even with no complications I would have someone on red alert to help you out.

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