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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be annoyed that my nephew will not be at dds 1st birthday 'party'?

33 replies

dee24 · 27/11/2007 09:47

My dd is 1 on Thursday. Having a little 'party' for her and have invited my friends and family over to see her etc. Party will consist of sandwiches, birthday cake and kids playing with the ball pit, rocker and pop up house so nothing fancy.
My brother says that my nephew (18 months) won't be there as he has another party on the same day EVEN though I told him about it months ago and he said that was no problem. His mum said a week ago that she is taking him to her friends childs birthday instead.
Am I being unreasonable? I know that she's only 1 but I am really disappointed that her big cousin won't be there. We are a close family and I would have thought family first

OP posts:

LizzyL · 27/11/2007 10:22

YANBU. If your DN was a bit older and had been invited to one of his friend's parties then it would be a bit different, As it is, you have every right to be disappointed. Could you maybe try and organise a tea or something with DD and DN so that they get to spend some time together near her b-day?

FluffyMummy123 · 27/11/2007 10:22

Message withdrawn

wannaBe · 27/11/2007 10:24

yabu.
1st birthday parties are for adults not children.
Your dd won't even know he isn't there.

notnowbernard · 27/11/2007 10:28

Yabu, but you are feeling upset... which is different.

Your dd won't care, she will remember nothing of it. 1st birthday parties are always for the benefit of adults.

EmsMum · 27/11/2007 10:30

I don't think YABU to be disappointed. But there may be reasons your SIL wants to go to the other party - she may be in the process of forging friendships with the other mums, whereas if you're a close family well, you can to some extent take one another for granted. Just invite them over some other time.

DaisyMoo · 27/11/2007 10:31

It's irritating and slightly hurtful, but quite honestly I think life is too short and precious to waste time being annoyed about something so insignificant in the big scheme of things. YAB a bit U.

Canadiandream · 27/11/2007 10:36

YANBU. From the sounds of it he was invited to your daughter's party first and since he is too young to care where he goes it is very rude of his parents to ditch your daughter's party because they'd prefer to go to the other one.

I empathise because I got annoyed when my sil and nephew ditched my ds' first bday party for football... But ultimately, life's too short to get upset and it just shows them up badly as rude and bad mannered. To make you feel better I'd suggest making it clear to your brother that you think its rude and you're upset/disapointed, then let it go. That's what I did, at least then you've expressed your feelings and hopefully won't dwell on it too much.

Original poster

dee24 · 27/11/2007 10:36

But she will notice when she looks at the photos when she's older won't she? And I don't understand why it would be for adults, it's really just so everyone can come see her at the one time for her birthday. Better than constant visitors throughout the whole week

LizzyL, I think thats what annoys me, he doesn't even know the other child in question He's usually at my mums for the weekend which is why I had arranged it for then, but I could ask my brother to bring him over on the thursday.

OP posts:

belgo · 27/11/2007 10:40

she won't notice from the photos, no. It will never occur to her to ask, unless you make an issue out of it.

Can you not arrange for your nephrew to come over another time to celebrate your dd's birthday? That will be fun.

CharlieAndLolasMummy · 27/11/2007 10:40

Don't think its about being reasonable or unreasonable, you are UPSET and that is what needs to be dealt with.

Yes first birthdays are for adults. And I don't think the nephew needs to go to the other kid's birthday either-18 mo don't need to go to parties really (but nor do 1 yos )

On balance, I think it is a bit crap and insenstive of them. Personally I'd rather go to a 1 yo's party than an older kids party, they are much less stressful.

Can you just be very nice and have the party at a time when he can be in attendance? I do think its often better just to bite the bullet and be nice, even if you are in the right, in these situations.

FluffyMummy123 · 27/11/2007 10:40

Message withdrawn

VictorianSqualor · 27/11/2007 10:45

I doubt she'll notice on the photos, and even if she did would it be so hard to say 'oh he was busy'??
I agree that first birthdays are for the grownups anyway, so it's more a case of your SIL being busy with something other than coming round to you, than nephew not coming to Dd's party.
You say your DB said it was fine, maybe he hadn't actually mentioned it to his wife and she had already made other plans?
Also if it was months ago he agreed it, then I wouldn't have held him to it anyway. I know I cannot possibly arrange something with any more than a week or two in advance, i'm crap with dates.

FluffyMummy123 · 27/11/2007 10:46

Message withdrawn

CharlieAndLolasMummy · 27/11/2007 10:47

oh no the party is for you

I never really take baby presents to first birthday parties, but I always take something really decent for the parents.

She will honestly not give a crap when she is older. I bet no one here even KNOWS if they had a first birthday.

CharlieAndLolasMummy · 27/11/2007 10:47

...party...

belgo · 27/11/2007 10:48

I have no idea if I had a birthday party for my first birthday

flowerybeanbag · 27/11/2007 11:08

YANBU, and just to add a rant of my own - PIL have just announced that they will not be at DS's 1st birthday because they want to go to Spain during May and the cheapest flights are the week of his birthday .

So no, YANBU and neither am I, rant rant.

VictorianSqualor · 27/11/2007 11:12

flowerybeanbag, though I can understand you being annoyed, they are allowed to go on holiday!

flowerybeanbag · 27/11/2007 11:31

They are indeed allowed to go on holiday but it might be nice if they chose one of the other 51 weeks in the year.

I am more because the very idea that they would have even considered missing my niece's 1st birthday for anything other than an earthquake or similar is laughable, so it's not fair.

Rant really really over now!

VictorianSqualor · 27/11/2007 11:33

Ah, I see the point about the 'favourite' grandchild, I had the same with my XP's parents.
Nanny was the childcare for both XSIL's children and XBIL's child, and even XBIL'S WIFES SISTERS CHILDREN! but not mine, she was 'too busy'

Is there a huge difference between the flight prices?

flowerybeanbag · 27/11/2007 11:46

Its a couple of hundred quid, to be fair. But they are very definitely NOT hard up, they are getting their accommodation for free and DH and I would be happy to pay the difference if necessary. However they didn't even mention it before booking, just went ahead.

I am fuming at the moment - we were staying there over the weekend which is when this was brought up, and DH's dad spent the entire weekend ignoring DS as well to the extent that when DH's mum wanted him to take some photos of DS with his posh new camera, as he hadn't taken any all weekend, he refused and said 'oh you've already got photos of him'.

WTF?! Makes me so when I remember how things were for my niece when she was the same age, couldn't be more different.

Sorry I appear to have taken over this thread but as you can tell this is all very raw at the moment and as I am unable to rant at them it's all coming out here!

bluejelly · 27/11/2007 11:48

I really don't think it's a big deal. I never even invite my dd's cousins to her birthday party!

Heifer · 27/11/2007 11:51

I was going to write that YABU but then I remembered just how important I thought DD 1st birthday was and how upset I would have been if my family didn't all come...

I feel really bad now as when my nephews were little I was quite young and single and didn't have a clue that it was expected of me to be there for the important dates and I just wasn't (was playing hockey most times)..

Ineedacleaner · 27/11/2007 12:00

My FIL has never been here for any of the dc's 1st birthdays he has been on holiday and in all honesty I was not bothered.

Yes you are upset and that is something different all together but like someone else said it may be more about the mother trying to forge friendships and you said yourself you are a close family so she maybe thought you would understand.

I can honestly say that your dd will not notice, I don't even know what I did for my 1st birthday and it never occured to me to ask although I LOVED my dc's first birthday I never expected anyone else to feel as much for them as I did they are my children after all so I was never bothered about who could or couldn't make it.

Original poster

dee24 · 27/11/2007 12:03

at no invite at all!
I think it is just that I'm upset so I suppose it's maybe not a case of being unreasonable or not. Will go and see my brother at his work today and suggest dropping him off here on Thursday during the day. They could have a little tea party together
If I thought it was to meet new people then I would understand but she doesn't socialise with anyone she doesn't know. She even asked my mum to take nephew to our local mother and toddler group even though she only works 2 days a week! Although to be fair she is only 18 so she could just be very shy.

OP posts:

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