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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner tells everyone I was out of it when I had our daughter but I wasnt

109 replies

Cherryrainbow · 24/07/2021 22:24

This may be a stupid thing but my partner keeps laughing and telling everyone that when I have my birth to our daughter last September I was really out of it, off my mind because of the gas n air and epidural, him and the nurses were joking about me babbling nonsense etc and this just isn't true!

It keeps bugging me because compared to my first Labour with my son, my daughters birth was easier and I thought it was lovely in comparison. Had contractions from 7am. Waters burst at 3pm. Got to hospital by 4, was barely on gas and air long until I had my epidural and from 10pm I was pushing, I had my daughter after 11 by forceps. I remember the conversations we had with the nurse, talking about the 80s music on the radio and what songs played, I remember being tired and crying when it was clear that pushing wasn't going to work and being scared (I think awkward angle down there I just couldn't get her past, same as with my first son) so I had to have forceps again and i was a bit worried. I remember the nurses and doctor being concerned about the amount of blood loss I had despite the injections they kept giving me, luckily it stopped before transfusions or other things were needed. The medication did make me throw up quite a bit so I asked my partner to have her until the anti sickness medication kicked in and it stopped but apart from being sick I was normal.

It also bugs me because after I had my eldest child I was in hospital for many days as I had an infection where I did have a fever and some hallucinations, weird dreams etc so I know what it's like to be out of it!

Anyway today he was joking about it again and I said I wasn't out of it but he kept insisting and said I wouldn't know because I was on gas and Air and epidural. I told him he was stupid because gas and air makes you lightheaded if anything and an epidural just numbs your back, and I know I wasn't out of it. So he then kept snapping at me that I was so defensive and practically barking at me asking why was I being defensive? and kept insisting his side of things so I just said yeah whatever and left the room.

Sorry its turned into quite the rant it just really bugs me.

OP posts:

LopsidedWombat · 25/07/2021 02:24

Blimey I've reread sorry I see this has been going on since September. It might feel petty but think I'd be tempted to retort with your fictional account of what he did and if he's doing this around others regularly add in 'bless him, he likes to make it sound like I was the one struggling',

Oceanbliss · 25/07/2021 03:45

delicatelinenontheline

Summerfun54321
It doesn’t matter if he remembers it differently. If you’ve asked him not to talk about it then he should shut up. Labour is personal and private, you weren’t there to put on a show for him to gossip to friends and family about afterwards.
^
This.

I've given birth, DH has undergone some serious medical procedures. We share certain details with close friends and family, often the funny parts. grin

But only what we both feel comfortable sharing. The humour tends to be about the situation, not poking fun at each other.

I would be horrified if he behaved as your husband does, and equally there's a lot of personal stuff I don't share about DH's hospital admissions.

It doesn't matter who's remembering correctly, he's showing you a lack of respect by continuing to talk about it after you've asked him not to.

I totally agree with this. @Cherryrainbow yanbu. I would feel so angry at dh if I was in your shoes.

RightYesButNo · 25/07/2021 03:59

I think the biggest problem here is he’s trying to gaslight you and convince you that you don’t remember correctly and I think perhaps the biggest help is that your mum knows how full of shite he is, as you were even texting her on the day, completely coherent, to update her. And this “story” must only work with men and women who aren’t familiar with childbirth, because otherwise he sounds a complete fucking idiot claiming an epidural made you “out of it” - of course you’re absolutely right that an epidural just acts in your back to reduce (or stop) sensation below where it’s inserted. I don’t know how you’ve put up with this since September, but the fact he got angry when you stood up for yourself about it seems to indicate to me this isn’t a matter of him just remembering it differently. Why the hell is he trying to, almost a year later, tell people your birth story and make himself the star, and you just “out of it” in the background? This isn’t acceptable and it’s shite you’ve had to put up with it.

Oh.
And if he does ever try again, do add, “Ah yes, DP! I do remember how you passed out at the sight of blood and later vomited watching them use the forceps. Good times.”

StardewMelons · 25/07/2021 04:57

Sounds like he is trying to invalidate how "hard" your labour was... It was a breeze.. You were out of it. Any birth partner I know talking..(friends, family, father of baby) has only ever said how proud they were..

WeatherForecast · 25/07/2021 05:43

This is absolutely sickening. It made me feel genuinely sick to imagine DH doing this to me. It has undertones of that dickhead mate who you go on a night out with, everyone gets drunk and has fun, and the next day they won’t stop going on about how smashed you or someone else was. But not a passing comment, raising it over and over again as if to embarrass you. I’m sure people know what I mean!

Like, even if you had have been out of it, what are you supposed to say to him mentioning it again and again? It’s not a funny cute anecdote you both enjoy talking about, it was the birth of your child and if you were out of it it was because of necessary medications, that a doctor prescribed? Not a funny cute ‘omg you had too much cider at that barbecue didn’t you!’

But the fact you weren’t out of it makes it so much worse. He will know this is annoying you and that’s why he’s doing it. He’s totally ignoring and disregarding your own recollection of the event.

I would genuinely sit him down and tell him for the final time that no, you weren’t out of it for your child’s birth, and you’d like him to stop saying that ever again. His response will be telling.

WeatherForecast · 25/07/2021 05:47

And I couldn’t disagree more than men are shit with childbirth FFS. This is nothing to do with how he feels about childbirth. It’s him wanting to peck away at OP, gaslight her, and humiliate her.

I was on gas and air and epidural and remember every minute OP. To counteract those saying they were out of it. If you say you weren’t, you weren’t. And frankly even if you had been, his actions remain deplorable.

billy1966 · 25/07/2021 08:28

He sounds dim and unpleasant.

Don't have more children with him.

tallduckandhandsome · 25/07/2021 08:32

He’s snapping at you because you’re standing your ground and refusing to accept his version of the truth - i.e. his lies.

In short he is an absolute cunt. Tell him clearly that he needs to stop lying and tell him you will text everyone that he is lying and gaslighting you.

MotionActivatedDog · 25/07/2021 08:40

“Did you guys ever hear the story of the first time DH tried to have sex with me?? Oh wow! are you in for a treat!”

Dragon50 · 25/07/2021 09:10

If this was my DH I would’ve had a strong word with him the first time and told him how that conversation makes me feel. Regardless of who remembers what.

I wouldn’t expect it to come up again, but then again if my DH was doing that without any malice he would be mortified that he had upset me and vice versa.

It’s a respect issue really.

Original poster

Cherryrainbow · 25/07/2021 10:50

Thanks for your thoughts everyone, I was really worried it was going to sound like a silly problem.

I think I need to try and get the balls to have a conversation with him, as generally I hate confrontation and stuff like that.

Thinking things over honestly it's not just this but in general he does talk to me disrespectfully and harshly, and finds things funny that I really don't.

OP posts:

MotionActivatedDog · 25/07/2021 10:52

I think I need to try and get the balls to have a conversation with him, as generally I hate confrontation and stuff like that.

That’s a worrying comment. What is it that you need “the balls” for? Are you often biting your tongue/bit challenging his poor behaviour to avoid his reaction? What do you think might happen if you bring this up?

EmeraldShamrock · 25/07/2021 10:58

I think I need to try and get the balls to have a conversation with him, as generally I hate confrontation and stuff like that.
Practice in a mirror then hit him with it, are you afraid of confrontation or his reaction to it.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 25/07/2021 11:13

My first ex tried shit like that - according to him, I didn't do anything but lay back whilst the doctors did all the work. His mother was a massive Sheila Kitzinger fan, so the fact I refused point blank to free birth in the woods in late November and signed a consent form for a planned section due to breech presentation was the greatest sign of incompetence and unwillingness to be a proper woman. His 'humour' disguised his (and his family's) utter contempt for my deliberately ruining his birth experience.

Before I left (well, duh, of course I did within 9 months, he was a misogynistic dick in the guise of a ponytailed male feminist), I began to let him do his 'jokes' and then said 'You mean the bit where the epidural didn't take and I felt them cut me open and reach inside me? And as they were giving me morphine and a fuckton of other drugs, the paediatrician dragged you back and the consultant told at you to 'get back or get out' as you were getting in his way?'

He did shut up about the birth fairly quickly. But it took what he called my 'being so verbally aggressive' to put a stop to it.

Dragon50 · 25/07/2021 11:16

Problems like this usually have a lot behind them in my experience. You’ve just proved this with your last comment.

Is not how he speaks to you as such, but the speech is a reflection of how he regards you.

For me, I’d say ‘DH, you’ve said x a few times it upsets me, I don’t like it, please stop’.

In my home that would generate an apology, maybe an explanation as to how malice wasn’t intended but that would be the end of it.

I fully appreciate that in some relationships such a chat/comment would cause more harm. With my ex - christ. That could be an almighty row and week of bad feeling as he could be emotionally abusive and I would swallow a lot to keep the peace.

DogsSausages · 25/07/2021 11:23

He sounds like he was out of it, has your mum told him to stop being so silly, him talking about it to his friends a year later is really sad.

doublemonkey · 25/07/2021 11:27

I would nip that in the bud. It's not a nice birth story for your daughter to have growing up- that you brought her into the world 'out of it'.

Tell him to pack it in.

billy1966 · 25/07/2021 11:31

OP, are you afraid of him?

Being nervous about asking him not to be so disrespectful of you and LIE about your experience is concerning.

lastcall · 25/07/2021 12:14

He's using what is a very vulnerable time for women to take the piss out of you. For laughs for himself. And not even being honest about it!

He's being a massive arsehole. Does he have any good qualities?

Mantlemoose · 25/07/2021 12:22

To be fair g&a can cause hallucinations but more to the point, why is an almost year old childbrith even a topic of conversation?

mumwon · 25/07/2021 12:39

I bet he says
Can't you take a joke don't you have a sense of humour

Maggiesfarm · 25/07/2021 12:41

@DogsSausages

He sounds like he was out of it, has your mum told him to stop being so silly, him talking about it to his friends a year later is really sad.

I think the op's mum should do just that.

beastlyslumber · 25/07/2021 13:00

Thinking things over honestly it's not just this but in general he does talk to me disrespectfully and harshly, and finds things funny that I really don't.

He doesn't sound very nice at all, OP. I hope that telling him how you will feel will make a difference, but if not, you will need to think about what happens beyond this conversation. If he treated your child the way he treats you, how would you feel? Maybe you will need to start thinking about the long term welfare of your family.

Aching1536 · 25/07/2021 13:29

Even if it was true he shouldn't be using it to essentially make fun of you. He's got no right to even discuss it without your permission. And you've expressly asked him to stop.

I had the same by the way and it made me a bit 'off' or like you put it light headed, but if anything the epidural allowed me to think clearly for the first time in hours and I certainly wasn't out of it.

Sorry he's doing this. I hope you can hold on to the memories you do have and that his ignorance won't colour this for you. And I hope he realises what an unfeeling, immature idiot he's being and perhaps starts telling everyone how great a job you did and that he's proud of you!

WeatherForecast · 25/07/2021 13:46

I think it’s very telling that the conversation didn’t go like this the very first time he raised it:

‘Haha you were off your face!’
‘Actually I wasn’t, I was totally with it’
‘Oh right!’ and he never brings up that misinformation again.

At a push, the second time, you tell him you don’t want him to say it again because it’s untrue and you don’t like it, he apologises for upsetting you and doesn’t mention it again.

That’s how it goes in a normal relationship with a decent man.

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