Partner tells everyone I was out of it when I had our daughter but I wasnt

[Cherryrainbow]

This may be a stupid thing but my partner keeps laughing and telling everyone that when I have my birth to our daughter last September I was really out of it, off my mind because of the gas n air and epidural, him and the nurses were joking about me babbling nonsense etc and this just isn't true!

It keeps bugging me because compared to my first Labour with my son, my daughters birth was easier and I thought it was lovely in comparison. Had contractions from 7am. Waters burst at 3pm. Got to hospital by 4, was barely on gas and air long until I had my epidural and from 10pm I was pushing, I had my daughter after 11 by forceps. I remember the conversations we had with the nurse, talking about the 80s music on the radio and what songs played, I remember being tired and crying when it was clear that pushing wasn't going to work and being scared (I think awkward angle down there I just couldn't get her past, same as with my first son) so I had to have forceps again and i was a bit worried. I remember the nurses and doctor being concerned about the amount of blood loss I had despite the injections they kept giving me, luckily it stopped before transfusions or other things were needed. The medication did make me throw up quite a bit so I asked my partner to have her until the anti sickness medication kicked in and it stopped but apart from being sick I was normal.

It also bugs me because after I had my eldest child I was in hospital for many days as I had an infection where I did have a fever and some hallucinations, weird dreams etc so I know what it's like to be out of it!

Anyway today he was joking about it again and I said I wasn't out of it but he kept insisting and said I wouldn't know because I was on gas and Air and epidural. I told him he was stupid because gas and air makes you lightheaded if anything and an epidural just numbs your back, and I know I wasn't out of it. So he then kept snapping at me that I was so defensive and practically barking at me asking why was I being defensive? and kept insisting his side of things so I just said yeah whatever and left the room.

Sorry its turned into quite the rant it just really bugs me.

[MilesOfSand]

@Cherryrainbow

Also sorry yes I meant midwives, consultants etc. By the time it came to the forceps and bleeding there was quite a few staff around and I never know quite which terms to use lol.

Don’t apologise, there’s always one, and usually more than one on these threads.

What your DH is doing would really annoy me too. It’s hard to reason with people like that though. Maybe start saying things ‘like you, last night? You were totally out of it. Making no sense.’

[MilesOfSand]

@Summerfun54321

It doesn’t matter if he remembers it differently. If you’ve asked him not to talk about it then he should shut up. Labour is personal and private, you weren’t there to put on a show for him to gossip to friends and family about afterwards.

Yes, this.

[ineedaholidaynow]

I had to be taken off the gas and air as I was so out of it, I thought the consultant was my boss and I was in the office!

But it does seem strange if your DH is making it up

[Kona84]

Maybe this is his memory that he created to get past the trauma of it. Can’t have been easy seeing that you were losing blood and struggling.
Or maybe he tells a funny story (to him) so people won’t bring up the forceps etc.
Or maybe he is just a bit of a div and likes entertaining others at your expense. Get more laughs out of the gas and air story than the forceps one

[TurquoiseDragon]

@Aquamarine1029

Tbh I do find there are times he is disrespectful and selfish.

And there it is. Your partner gets pleasure demeaning you.

Get rid of this arsehole.

Seems like it, doesn't it.

I am partly deaf, and my ex used to laugh about things said that I supposedly 'misheard'. I knew I hadn't misheard, but no, I must have done, after all I'm partly deaf. There were other attempts to gaslight as well.

OP's DH sounds like he's doing the same.

OP, you could possibly ask for a debrief about the birth with the maternity unit you were at, to see if your memories match the notes. And don't tell him about this, unless they do match.

[Jenasaurus]

@MotionActivatedDog

When he starts telling people this nonsense I would tell them “awww, DH was really freaked out when I was in labour, hyperventilating- the lot! I think this is his way of pretending it didn’t happen” respond to all his protestations by exaggerating it even more. “Come on love, you know you were shitting yourself. The midwife had to sit you on a chair by the window because you said you were going to faint! Hahah”

this, and add that he shit himself for good measure too

[colouringindoors]

Even if you were "out of it" and that's a Massive If, this is a totally shit way to talk about a woman in labour.

[mumwon]

Simples
"Yes dear I was out of it - its called PAIN - but I don't suppose you would understand that & I doubt a professional midwife would mock a mother in labour - unlike some I could mention"

[Maskedrevenger]

I was totally spaced out by the gas and air and had to stop using it as I felt so out of control but that doesn’t mean it’s a funny story to be shared with randoms. My ex who was a nightmare in other ways would never have spoken about me in such a disrespectful way. I totally echo PP’s and would challenge your DP every time he came out with this nonsense. If he persisted I would just make up total over the top lies and tell everyone that he got so stressed out during labour that he was sick all over the midwife’s shoes or fainted clean away and they had to throw water over him to bring him round. Then when your DP protests that it never happened say he just can’t remember it happening, he should get the point and STFU.

[Takenoprisoner]

How could he possibly know you were out of it, when he had vomited, shat his pants and fainted clean away? Say that to his mates every time he starts, he will soon shut up.

[QueenBee52]

what a PRICK

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Men are utter shits when it comes to childbirth.

Yours might be. OP's seems to be but most aren't. Mine has never respected me more. That's not to be smug, it's to say our bars don't have to be subfloor for men's behaviour.

It doesn't actually matter whether it's true or not (well it does but in this context). It matters that it is YOUR experience and he's laughing about it publicly when you've asked him not to.

Wanker. Any embarrassing medical information you have about him? Sexual stuff you can chortle about with friends and family?

[PyongyangKipperbang]

"Oh yes it was hilarious! He threw up every time I had a contraction!"

"That didnt happen!"

"Well as you think you can rewrite my history, I can rewrite yours"

[AdoraBell]

Definitely do as suggested by Jenasuarus and keep responding with that every time he does this.

Also, tell his parents that he is humiliating you. Unless they would not support you.

[EmeraldShamrock]

You had a forceps and bleeding giving birth and he is mocking you.
Has he any idea about an adrenaline response.
I'd be livid. He is so immature and hurtful.

[EmeraldShamrock]

Definitely do as suggested by Jenasuarus and keep responding with that every time he does this. Do it.
Do not make light of it he crossed the line, be sure he knows another joke will cost him his family.

[EmeraldShamrock]

*Meant don't do it above.

[mathanxiety]

Do not make light of it he crossed the line, be sure he knows another joke will cost him his family.

This ^

[mathanxiety]

He's told it to his friends, he's said it to my mum (who knows it is bs, I mean I was texting her on the day to let her know how things were going) he even brings it up in conversations when we are at home just us and the kids.
@Cherryrainbow

It's clearly very important to him to portray you as someone who didn't demonstrate strength or courage or perseverance that day.

Why is he so persistent in his lies?

What is he getting out of this?

Tbh I do find there are times he is disrespectful and selfish.

I think the answer to my questions is that he actually doesn't like you much, and he has no respect you.

[delicatelinenontheline]

@Summerfun54321

It doesn’t matter if he remembers it differently. If you’ve asked him not to talk about it then he should shut up. Labour is personal and private, you weren’t there to put on a show for him to gossip to friends and family about afterwards.

^
This.

I've given birth, DH has undergone some serious medical procedures. We share certain details with close friends and family, often the funny parts.

But only what we both feel comfortable sharing. The humour tends to be about the situation, not poking fun at each other.

I would be horrified if he behaved as your husband does, and equally there's a lot of personal stuff I don't share about DH's hospital admissions.

It doesn't matter who's remembering correctly, he's showing you a lack of respect by continuing to talk about it after you've asked him not to.

[Maggiesfarm]

I think he is just being stupid, frankly.

Op you really must lay it on the line for him, you had a horrendously long and difficult labour, resulting in a forceps delivery. That's no picnic by anyone's standards. Surely he could see that as he was with you.

Maybe it is his way of coping, I honestly don't know, but he should not blatantly lie to others - in fact, there is no reason for him to talk about it all to anyone. I'm sure my husband didn't and I had two easy, straightforward labours with him at my side. He was happy to see his children born and glad it didn't take too long, that I was all right, etc, but no way would he have carried on about it to other people.

I'm glad your mother at least knows he is talking BS but please do shut him up. He obviously doesn't know his own strength when he is talking and it's downright disrespectful and hurtful to you.

[Bortles]

My DP used to make a 'joke' out of DD's head coming out. 'Ooh, I saw her pop!' *makes popping noise. Eventually I got furious with him because he was making light of something that was painful and caused me injury. It was immature and lacking empathy. He was shocked that I was so angry and minded so much and did at least apologise and hasn't mentioned it since. They just don't get it.

[Justilou1]

Start telling everyone that you might as well have been out of it for the conception…

[LopsidedWombat]

God what a bore and very frustrating for you. How old is your baby? I'm really hoping he's not been going on about this for months.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

It's clearly very important to him to portray you as someone who didn't demonstrate strength or courage or perseverance that day.

Pretty textbook misogyny. Women produce all human life, through something that is painful and difficult. Some men see that as their wives/partners being amazing and some can't help but put that down.