Partner tells everyone I was out of it when I had our daughter but I wasnt

[Cherryrainbow]

This may be a stupid thing but my partner keeps laughing and telling everyone that when I have my birth to our daughter last September I was really out of it, off my mind because of the gas n air and epidural, him and the nurses were joking about me babbling nonsense etc and this just isn't true!

It keeps bugging me because compared to my first Labour with my son, my daughters birth was easier and I thought it was lovely in comparison. Had contractions from 7am. Waters burst at 3pm. Got to hospital by 4, was barely on gas and air long until I had my epidural and from 10pm I was pushing, I had my daughter after 11 by forceps. I remember the conversations we had with the nurse, talking about the 80s music on the radio and what songs played, I remember being tired and crying when it was clear that pushing wasn't going to work and being scared (I think awkward angle down there I just couldn't get her past, same as with my first son) so I had to have forceps again and i was a bit worried. I remember the nurses and doctor being concerned about the amount of blood loss I had despite the injections they kept giving me, luckily it stopped before transfusions or other things were needed. The medication did make me throw up quite a bit so I asked my partner to have her until the anti sickness medication kicked in and it stopped but apart from being sick I was normal.

It also bugs me because after I had my eldest child I was in hospital for many days as I had an infection where I did have a fever and some hallucinations, weird dreams etc so I know what it's like to be out of it!

Anyway today he was joking about it again and I said I wasn't out of it but he kept insisting and said I wouldn't know because I was on gas and Air and epidural. I told him he was stupid because gas and air makes you lightheaded if anything and an epidural just numbs your back, and I know I wasn't out of it. So he then kept snapping at me that I was so defensive and practically barking at me asking why was I being defensive? and kept insisting his side of things so I just said yeah whatever and left the room.

Sorry its turned into quite the rant it just really bugs me.

[Cherrysoup]

You need a sit down serious conversation with him, just you and him, where you tell him he’s really pissed you off, of course you weren’t out of it and he needs to stop telling people utter bullshit. What the fuck is he playing at, making out that you were away with it when you weren’t? Is he delusional?

[JillsFlapjacks]

He's being really quite horrible by telling you how you felt. You know yourself, your body and your feelings, and your memories are yours. Does he not understand how an epidural works?

I'd be pissed off in your shoes too.

[DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou]

It's not something you joke about, it's private, it didn't go as smoothly as it could have done and there's fuck all to mock about someone being in the most vulnerable position in their lives.

It's like he gets a kick out of it.

[TerribleCustomerCervix]

He's gaslighting you, OP.

[BonnyEm]

www.scientificamerican.com/article/what-happens-in-the-brain-when-we-misremember/
It sounds to me as if he is actually misremembering the event and expected you to act in a certain way after g&a and his mind has filled in the blanks.
I don't think he's doing it to upset you. I think he may genuinely believe his memory of that time is true.
I have had personal experience with a family member and a similar thing.
Very frustrating.

[HollowTalk]

He's gaslighting you, making himself sound better than you and belittling one of the most experiences of your life.

What's your relationship like with him the rest of the time?

[OldTinHat]

My exh used to dine out on the story of me "moo-ing like a cow" when I was in the 2nd stage for 2hrs with DS1. Men are utter shits when it comes to childbirth. And most of the time afterwards! I'm sorry you're having to put up with such crap. Enjoy your baby, you can LTB

[SarahAndQuack]

He's being really horrible.

Even if you had been 'out of it,' why would that be something to laugh about? And why, if your partner was out of it for a traumatic experience, would you think it was ok to tell them they didn't know what was happening and mock them?

My DP had a traumatic birth; there are parts she doesn't remember well - some because of the trauma, others because she was very ill, and others because she was on morphine and it affected her badly. It was horrible. Really, truly, frightening. She lost huge sections of her memory and one of the most important things we had to do, was to reconstruct what she was remembering and talk about what her perception of it all was. She has incredibly detailed memories of some parts of labour, which I have no idea about. I bet you do too.

I don't get why he would snap or be defensive, unless he's being a dick? He didn't give birth. You did. It's not about him.

[CrouchEndTiger12]

Your baby is nearly 1 why is he even talking about this anymore?

Why don't you think of a time he was ill / had the shits or something and keep bringing it up and laugh at him

[MotionActivatedDog]

This is why it’s so important that women have who think will support them best with them during labour and childbirth. It’s not a fathers right to be there and quite frankly some of them should never be near a labouring woman.

[Anotheruser02]

He's a cunt, he was supposed to be your support person when you were vulnerable and he's using that position to humiliate you. It's personal and private. As a very private person I'm angry for you.

[FortniteBoysMum]

Only things my partner ever said about when I was in labour with our son were that some of the mums sounded like they were being shot with the noises you could hear but that I was so quiet and just got on with it. That and the fact I threw the gas and air thing at him because it was useless and they told me it was too late for anything stronger as he was clearly on his way out. I got my own back by pointing out I had to wait until he finished watching the season finale of Shameless before we left for the hospital.

[HelloDulling]

I was absolutely bollocksed on gas and air, so it’s certainly possible, but I would be very upset to hear DH making light of it, or indeed telling anyone about what was a very private, intimate and bloody awful time.

[Maggiesfarm]

He's the stupid one, you were the one doing the work. Why is your husband discussing it anyway? Tell him not to.

Quite honestly the experience sounds as though it took a long time and was awful. Starting labour at 7am and then being delivered with forceps at 11pm is one heck of a long time! Sixteen hours. I can't even begin to imagine it.

I don't blame you for having some help but that doesn't mean you were out of it.

Tell him next time, he can do it :), you'll watch.

[Pollypudding]

In the words of our own dear Queen, “recollections may vary”. But seriously he is being very disrespectful to you by trying to make this very private experience an amusing anecdote. Yes it may be his way of processing it but he cannot tell you what your experience was- it was only his perception. I would be upset too and wonder if he always felt the need to be right at your expense.

[GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing]

It’s your take to tell at the end of the day, not his. Yanbu.

[Summerfun54321]

It doesn’t matter if he remembers it differently. If you’ve asked him not to talk about it then he should shut up. Labour is personal and private, you weren’t there to put on a show for him to gossip to friends and family about afterwards.

[Soontobe60]

I can remember having a debriefing at my GPs after my 6 week check up. She asked me what I remembered about my delivery -I said I remembered everything, and talked her through it. She then showed me the notes from the maternity unit - I clearly had missed out loads of stuff! I thought I was in the delivery room for a couple of hours, I was actually in there for 10! Apparently I refused to let one of the midwives examine me because I thought she was going to pull the baby out by its ears. I sent my dh out to get fish and chips, whilst I was pushing - this didn’t actually happen.
I had lots of entenox, but had absolutely no recall of what actually happened in the delivery room for most of the time. My dh had said I went a little bit mad and he was quite scared for me. I also asked the midwife for a knife so I could cut the baby out.

A close friend of mine’s dh filmed part of her Labour - at her request. She certainly said and did some very odd things, seemed drunk and at times very spaced out. She had gas, nothing else and when she watches it back she says she can’t believe that’s how she was during delivery as she cannot recall any of the things, that of it wasn’t on film she would be convinced she had a straightforward delivery where she was in complete control of her faculties.

[mathanxiety]

Ask him why he feels the need to ruin the memory you have of the day you spent giving birth to his baby.

Ask him why he has decided to completely disrespect you, to laugh at you, to invite others to laugh at you.

What is he getting out of spreading these stories?
Is he jealous of the attention you are giving to the baby and your older child? Is he jealous of the attention and congratulations you got from staff at the hospital, friends and family, and trying to act the comedian in order to get attention or cheap laughs at your expense from his audience?

He is being utterly horrible. Labour is in many ways a spiritual journey for a women through pain, where her innate strength leads her body despite the fears and doubts of the conscious mind. He is trampling all over your experiences with his tales, and humiliating you.

Honestly, I would start thinking of ways to make him understand that this is a make or break moment for your relationship, that he is doing serious damage to the trust that exists between you, and that he needs to offer a sincere and grovelling apology and never, ever do what he is doing again. Tell him you would never, ever have permitted him to go with you to the delivery if you for one second had anticipated that he would later start regaling friends with stories about it.

Do you have anywhere you could go until he apologises? If yes, how long can you stay? Or better still, is there anywhere he could go?
You need to make it clear that there is a lot riding on his decision about the sincere apology and complete change of tune you expect, and I suspect the only way you can get the seriousness of this moment across is by either him or you leaving. Preferably him.

[Justyouwaitandseeagain]

I feel like my recollection of labour is pretty good but am also aware that I was totally off my head with the gas and air. Both me and my husband laugh about it privately and publicly. But it doesn’t mean that happened to you, and either way your DH shouldn’t share anything that you are not comfortable with.

[mathanxiety]

I got my own back by pointing out I had to wait until he finished watching the season finale of Shameless before we left for the hospital.



That is horrific.

[Aquamarine1029]

Tbh I do find there are times he is disrespectful and selfish.

And there it is. Your partner gets pleasure demeaning you.

Get rid of this arsehole.

[SheldonesqueTheBstard]

It is fine if that was his recollection.

What is not fine is that you’ve told him he is mistaken, that it was not the case and he is still yapsing on like he knows best.

And worse making fun of you when at your most vulnerable.

The arsehole thing is apt.

[AmberIsACertainty]

@BonnyEm

www.scientificamerican.com/article/what-happens-in-the-brain-when-we-misremember/
It sounds to me as if he is actually misremembering the event and expected you to act in a certain way after g&a and his mind has filled in the blanks.
I don't think he's doing it to upset you. I think he may genuinely believe his memory of that time is true.
I have had personal experience with a family member and a similar thing.
Very frustrating.

In this instance I think that's nonsense because he's getting arsey with OP when she corrects him.

OP I don't like it, he's trying to put you down, alter your memory, and being aggressive when you won't take it. It's not good and you need to stamp on this behaviour, if you can. I've got no patience with this kind of shit these days, it would be a deal breaker for me and I'd be telling him he either stops lying or he can fuck off.

[blackcurrantjam]

Arsehole. Shudder.