Mixing with deprived children?

[Thisneedsachange]

I’ve changed my name for this but long term mumsnetter. I had a very sheltered but working class background, but mum was a social worker so I was sent to holiday clubs where she was working - with children from very deprived backgrounds and on child protection plans. My life experiences changed when I got a scholarship to private school and it’s been a middle class bubble since then - but I think those early exposures to how tough life can be for some gas the making of me. It’s made me more compassionate, more politically aware and I’ve volunteered since a teen working with deprived children.
My own 5 year old daughter has a very sheltered existence and so I’m thinking of sending her to a free church holiday club at the church I grew up with for a week this summer. It’s free because it’s a very deprived ward. We do have one friend who will go so she will be fine. As a child some things I was exposed to in these schemes aimed at deprived children really shocked me - bad language, bad behaviour, unhappy families..but by my teens I understood what was going on.
Am I unwise to consider this?
I contribute to the funds (although we don’t worship there as not Christian) so not concerned about taking financial advantage, just wondering if I should wait until my daughter is older to have these experiences?

The op does not sound deeply kind to me.

OP 5 year olds tend to be very similar regardless of their privilege/deprivation levels.

My dd goes to primary school in a deprived area, her best friend has parents who don't work, have 5 kids with twins on the way and live on benefits, whereas I own my own home and car and she's an only child. She really doesn't notice the differences in their situations and she's 8.

Do you actually think little Arabella will be coming home at night and declaring she's got a new appreciation of life because her new friends are so deprived?

OP - I think people are being a bit harsh. I think maybe when she is a bit older it will be easier - when kids are young they sometimes are not that aware/sensitive - so may unintentionally hurt/offend people.

Wanting your child to have a wider social circle is not a bad thing for your child - to have friends from lots of different backgrounds - it’s one of the arguments people have for comprehensive schools (though I don’t have an issue with people wanting to privately educate). But I guess the aim should be to make friends with people rather than just ‘seeing how others live’. I guess there is risk involved too in your child mixing with others (whatever their background - rich, poor, studious, nonacademic) - as kids are easily influenced by peers. Will they be influenced by peers worried about weight, or into gaming, truanting, drugs, sexist views? - but these aren’t necessarily confined to class. I personally would like to try to keep a close eye on what my kids are exposed to - not necessarily to prevent exposure, but to give them some context and answer questions.

She doesn’t sound ‘deeply kind,’ she sounds totally ignorant.

She has referred to mixing with deprived kids as ‘these experiences’ for her child. As an adult who grew up in extreme social and economic deprivation, I personally didn’t see it as an ‘experience,‘ it was suffering. And looking at other people’s suffering from your safe bubble doesn’t improve you as a person, it just makes alleviates your guilt that they have nothing and you are ‘very privileged.’

I think you probably started this thinking you’d get a big pat on the back, but you actually come across as a bit of a dick

This has actually got my dander up.

Imagine the OP saying "hmm, I'm not sure i want my kid mixing with Jews or Muslims - maybe she'll hear something I think is icky?"

It's not right, is it?

And I said something stupid in my last comment - I said "well im working class and I'm not poor blah blah blah". That was also wrong. Goodness is, and should always be separated from economic circumstances. I fell into the trap there, sorry.

Money does not equal good qualities.

Actually though I don't think there is anything wrong with putting your child in any holiday playscheme with spaces, it is just the way the op is written that seems a bit off.

It makes me very uncomfortable that someone who is an outreach volunteer with any kind of vulnerable people would think that they could or should provide some kind of “learning experience” for their kid. Like a “here’s what you could have won but aren’t you lucky that you were born middle class and therefore don’t swear and misbehave like these deprived children do?”

Ugh

You want her to see how privileged she is?

She’s five. What you’re posting is abnormal and concerning. It shows a lack of any form of grounding or basis in reality.

Why am I thinking Edina and Saffy?

when kids are young they sometimes are not that aware/sensitive - so may unintentionally hurt/offend people

Some people never grow out of it would seam, imagine being exposed to peers who are not academic or into gaming

“Kanaloa

She doesn’t sound ‘deeply kind,’ she sounds totally ignorant.”

Someone can be both ignorant and kind though.

@Whatwouldnanado

You sound like a deeply kind person who spends a lot of time working for the good of others. Carry on, let your daughter tag along when she can. Her awareness will grow naturally, trust her intelligence. Who knows she may continue with your good work. Some sort of forced situation is wrong on the many levels already explained to you here.

It sounds deeply snobbish to me.

What a shame there are travel restrictions this summer - otherwise you could have taken your 5 year old to South Africa, India or Brasil - all 3 of these countries have "slum" tours and you could've combined a bit of poverty tourism with some world travel!
Never mind, maybe your five year old child will make some friends at the church and she can go round their council house for tea - providing mum's been to the food bank that day of course!
Won't you have lots to chat about at bedtime OP, when you recount tales of how nanny used to let you mix with the families she used to work with, yes the popular experiments that qualified csw's were known to do and in no way would've have broken any safeguarding guidelines at all!

These families do not exist for you and your life. How would you feel if they knew what your plan was? It's so disrespectful to them. You want to engage with them but from a position of power. Not as equal human beings with dreams and ambitions just like you have. If I found out you were doing this at my son's summer club i would feel humiliated, sick and so angry. In fact I would complain to whoever you volunteer with.

I volunteer with their children’s outreach and so I know the take up is quite low

In that case, it's completely fine.

Fwiw: I grew up similar to OP, working class but relatively sheltered and tagging along to play schemes and days out for "deprived" kids because my Dad had organised them or volunteered with them

I'm now "respectable" working class to lower middle class and living on a "deprived" housing estate.
This is not unusual btw. Not everyone on an estate is completely skint. There's more class variation than you might expect.
My kids go to the free summer holiday scheme, they go to to free after school scheme. One year they were the only white kids at the free scheme put on by Sierra Leonian community. Absolutely noone gives a shit.

Sometimes these things are funded with the intention of tackling food poverty or dealing with social exclusion or whatever but they're never described that way to the end user. Or noone would go to them.

And, while you don't want the place overrun with middle class mums, to the extend it puts others off....it's also not helpful if everyone is skint, or known to have problems. Because then it becomes stigmatising and people start avoiding it.

I say crack on OP. Send your kid and donate what you can afford behind the scenes.

Op, your post reeks of voyeurism

@ScrollingLeaves

Okay, well she sounds ignorant and with a total lack of empathy. If you think seeing deprived children as a learning experience for her privileged 5 year old is deeply kind then that’s your opinion I guess.

@Wishingwell75

What a shame there are travel restrictions this summer - otherwise you could have taken your 5 year old to South Africa, India or Brasil - all 3 of these countries have "slum" tours and you could've combined a bit of poverty tourism with some world travel! Never mind, maybe your five year old child will make some friends at the church and she can go round their council house for tea - providing mum's been to the food bank that day of course! Won't you have lots to chat about at bedtime OP, when you recount tales of how nanny used to let you mix with the families she used to work with, yes the popular experiments that qualified csw's were known to do and in no way would've have broken any safeguarding guidelines at all!

I was about to say it reminds me of slum/poverty tourism.

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p04cb9wt

That’s a link to a bbc programme where they were re-enacting Victorian slums and tourists came round.

Watch that.

No, you'll be taking a place from someone who really needs a free childcare place. Plus all the other reasons why its a really stupid idea. I think it is called poverty tourism.

@chunderwunder

What this really demonstrates is privileged people's sheer inability to view anyone as anything other than their wealth or status.

OP literally thinks that poor/working class/deprived people are 'other'.

This goes to the root of why private school is so pernicious. It destroys empathy.

Oh dear. You nearly got it right. And then you had to go and ruin it by showing up your own prejudiced stereotyping.

Middle class private school children can be deprived too. Abuse and neglect might be more hidden (in no small part thanks to ignorant stereotyping) but it can and does happen to children who go to private schools.

OP is a gift (perhaps intentional) to people who love to take any opportunity to indulge in a bit of inverse snobbery.

Someone can be both ignorant and kind though

This is true. I think it might be a fair description of the OP. She's completely tone deaf, obviously, but I do think she genuinely thinks she's helping to alleviate injustice.

I don't think she can help being patronising, she's a product of a private education. She's behaving exactly as she's been trained.

• Not that much though obviously else she'd take her kid out of fee-paying school.

High-five - I meant that there are problems in all circumstances. Nothing wrong with being non-academic. Some may hate school Due to not being engaged and truant. Some academic kids may truant too. I wouldn’t mind my kids being friends with people who truanted - my dad did a bit; but I would want them to truant themselves.