Excusing bad behaviour because the child ‘gifted and talented’ and bored

[WildWestWanda]

My sister has a ds who she believes to be ‘gifted and talented’

His behaviour has never been great but he is now 9yo and it is getting worse.

Just before the start of the summer holiday my ds was yet again called into school. This time he has kicked a teacher! Apparently the class were having a maths lesson and he kept getting up and running around the classroom. He was repeatedly asked to sit down and eventually lashed out and kicked the teacher!

My ds believes it was because the work wasn’t challenging him and he was bored! Instead of any kind of punishment she has sympathised with him!

It’s getting to the point where I am losing all respect for my sister! She is now upset with me because when she told me about the latest school incident I refused to accept his behaviour was ok. She isn’t doing him any favours at all. He is losing friends at school because of the way he behaves.

@0None0 I also use this saying in everyday life. But, as the parent of a G&T child it doesn't apply. Imagine sitting in a classroom for 6 hours a day and being "taught" things that you have known for 2+ years. If these children aren't offered appropriate extension of course they are bored (and behavioural issues often follow)

My son would behave like that in a Mainstream class room and is also above average academically. over time he was diagnosed with asd and has sensory issues so looking back it must have been hell for him spending time in a class of 30 kids with the associated noise and chaos. He’s now in a much more suitable school. Have Sen been looked at all all? Maybe your sister hadn’t said to you, I spoke very little to people when we were going through diagnosis process.

Your sister needs to arrange a meeting with school to discuss a behaviour management plan. If he is having that much trouble focusing in school and following appropriate boundaries then there is potentially something more going on but that's not possible to determine via a chat forum. From the sounds of it though she wouldn't be on board with a behaviour management plan.

Sounds like the kind of child who would profit from what my dad called a "good whallopping".

I know this is meant as lighthearted (or I hope it is) but no child ever benefited form "a good whallopping", assault is not the answer to behavioural issues.

@twitchyyellow

My son is highly gifted and was doing similar things at school which school (were crap about) but went on about it being because he's too smart etc. He was/is autistic (school denied it was SEN) and he's now in a SEN school with a lot more support than they were giving and funnily enough, he hasn't lashed out once in 2 years.

There is a lot of evidence around dysregulation and G&T but it's also highly correlated with SEN. Any attempts to actually have him assessed to ensure everyone is on the right tracks?

I don’t think school think he is gifted and talented at all. But no he has never been assessed for anything.

His behaviour isn’t like this when he’s with his dad, my sister and her ds’s dad are divorced

Let's see how he does at his gcses then. I bet he ends up excluded from school most of secondary and bombs them

She should read The Explosive Child and Lost at School. Both extremely interesting and practical. Disappointing to see the usual ‘oh it’s just bad parenting’, give him a wallop nonsense on here.

A lot of parents use the 'oh they're bored' excuse for poor behaviour. It takes a lot of strength to smile, rather than roll my eyes. Lots of us get bored. Jesus christ, I used to have to go to church every Sunday as a kid. It was mind numbing. But I also knew how to behave. How many jobs in life are really boring?

The thing is she won’t accept there is anything wrong with his behaviour and the way she parents him. She 100% believes the problem is everyone else

Our eldest is very talented and often finishes work early and is bored however his behaviour is still impeccable in school (he can however still be a little so and so at home)
If he's bored he moans about it to us and we try to address it with school.
At primary the school once it was brought to their attention usually did try to stretch him, the odd teacher was crap at it.
Secondary has been harder to address but as most of it's been in a weird period for the world that is a bit understandable.
Both our kids know bad behaviour is inexcusable and we would make sure there were consequences, rather than excuses.

Your sister is wrong but you know that. I suspect the problem is she will dig in and no matter what you say she won't agree with you, so I'm not sure what would make a difference. We have a friend who won't tell their children off because "it will damage their children's development" and as such their children have atrocious behaviour, limited friends and are no longer invited to visit people however no matter how gently friends and family try to discuss this with them - it is the worlds fault not theirs 🧐

ˋHis behaviour isn’t like this when he’s with his dad, my sister and her ds’s dad are divorced´

This is typical asd behaviour especially if he feels more secure with his mum, he can mask a situation and then explode when he’s with person he feels safest with. Google the coke bottle effect. A lot of asd kids mask at school but it doesn’t sound like he is, mine never did

That's insane.

My DD is 6, autistic and ADHD and a few other bits. She has been physical at school 5 or 6 times. Every single time I have reinforced at home it isn't acceptable. I work with the school on the key messages (the last 2 were because she was having to wait her turn to talk so she swiped out so the message is about waiting our turn to talk). What happens when the kid hits 12/13 or even worse adulthood? "Sorry judge, I only punched him because I was bored, is that OK?"

I would suggest to her, tactfully, that this behaviour is not typical for a nine year old and that it might be time to seek support from school on how to manage his behaviour in the classroom. School aren't exactly coming out of this situation smelling of roses either as they sound like they're also mismanaged his behaviour and aren't aware of his needs, a child being that disruptive should be triggering intervention strategies to address it before it escalates and to investigate any underlying issues.

I agree with Blatantly name changing

Quite likely an SEN issue which needs investigating.

Isn't it usually the children who are struggling to keep up with the work that behave badly? Maybe he's struggling because the work is too hard?

I'd ask your sister if she thinks kicking someone is ever acceptable

Stay out of it. Let your sister deal with it.

Isn't it usually the children who are struggling to keep up with the work that behave badly? Maybe he's struggling because the work is too hard?

This is a misconception. I've spent my whole career working with children with behaviour that severely challenges others. Many, many of them have been extremely academically able.

@Comtesse

Stay out of it. Let your sister deal with it.

Agreed. It is actually none of the OPS business

I think you are right to be concerned. Investing time and energy before secondary school in standards of behaviour will pay off many times over. Being gifted and talented is no excuse.

This unsatisfactory behaviour will soon cancel out any so called “gifted” talent. Being truly gifted is being all round gifted. This behaviour is far from gifted. Someone who may be ahead at a young age and especially when just compared to a low average British bar may not consider themselves gifted if compared to comparable or more able children for their age group. If child is gifted there are national and international competitions in most subject matters for children to assess extent of academic attainment or intellectual development rigour. You may be surprised as although UK primary schooling is decent it is modest compared to the brightest globally and that includes many of the apparently highly rated UK independent schools. You will discover the extent of UK education in the usual highest rated UK universities with global student admissions for the brightest irrespective of geography.

Being G and T can often bring it's own challenges.
The schools aren't equipped to deal with their needs, they only focus on the ones that need extra support. My son was moved up a year all through primary, when he got to secondary he spent the first year repeating his last year of school. He was absolutely bored stiff and developed anxiety and panic attacks. Home schooling was the way forward, he is now thriving and a much nicer person to be around.

This unsatisfactory behaviour will soon cancel out any so called “gifted” talent. Being truly gifted is being all round gifted. This behaviour is far from gifted. Someone who may be ahead at a young age and especially when just compared to a low average British bar may not consider themselves gifted if compared to comparable or more able children for their age group.

Being academically and intellectually gifted has nothing to do with behavior or emotional control, especially at age nine. It's not unusual for intellectually gifted child to be miles ahead of their classmates academically, but miles behind them emotionally.

Gifted and talented is a very rare title which I have never heard used, as it would be truly unusual.

Gifted is the language of a genius and very rare.

Your sister is deluded.

Her sons classmates have gone home that X kicked the teacher.

The other parents are going to think he is a right little thug and he will be branded thus.

I think you should ask your sister what does she think the other children are saying about her son and what other parents will think of her Gifted child🙄.

More like they think he is a brat coming from a poor background.

He sounds as if he should be assessed but if he has zero difficulty regulating with some people maybe he is just a brat.

Wait until someone hits him back

Then your sister will be furious. If she comes running to you “well, maybe the child was bored”

It screams undiagnosed SEN to me. Could you broach this possibility with your sister?
He sounds like he needs to be assessed.