To refuse to speak to FIL when at DSS wedding

[Loyalorstupid]

OK, so name change for this as might be outing.

My FIL, who has always been very selfish and uncaring to both my DH and SisIL, will be going to my DSSs wedding, taking his second wife (who is same age as SisIL) with him.

His 1st wife (mother of DH and SisIL) died earlier this year after being in a care home with alzheimers for 3 years.

FIL had moved the now 2nd wife into marital home 2 years before first wife died, which none of the family approved of. He also took other actions regarding her that were, in the family's view, completely inappropriate. As a result both DH and SisIL cut contact with him.

Also, before going NC with his DF, DH borrowed money from FIL to finance something they both knew I would strongly disagree with if I knew about it. I have dealt with DH about that, and the matter is settled between us, but I am still absolutely incensed that FIL lent this money, and kept it a secret, even though he knew how totally this would damage mine and DHs relationship.

For reference this was potentially a marriage breaker but DH has worked hard to apologise, regain my trust and get our relationship back on a good track. So all good there now.

So, DH is now saying that he will have to speak to his DF and the 2nd wife when at the wedding for the sake of his son and bride, which I totally get. If he wants to do that it is his choice, I won't try and stop him doing that.

But ... AIBU if I still refuse to speak to either FIL or 2nd wife as I am still massively upset at how he behaved re late MIL, and still furious he aided DH in deceiving me which could have ended my marriage.

I adore my DSS and his future bride, and won't cause any scene at the wedding, but I just cannot imagine even bringing myself to even be coldly polite to such a complete * (fill in the word here, you get the gist!).

Give me the benefit of MNs wisdom please ..

YANBU = Don't speak to the FIL and 2nd wife
YABU = You should speak to them for sake of DSS and his wonderful bride to be.

Third option would be I get conveniently "quarantined" the day before the wedding, but I would hate to miss it as I do love DSS dearly.

Help!

@Classica

You see me as cynical and I see you as cold. You may think his wife does not matter so much because her mind is gone but I do. Moving another woman into his wife's home before she'd died is an insult to her. He could have had a more discreet relationship and avoided hurting his children like this.

Come back to me when you've lived like that for a number of years, whilst been acutely aware that your own life is short because of what you're living with daily. I didn't move anyone in, but I was ready to "live" again as soon as he died, much to many people's disgust, but I'd already spent a lot of time grieving.

I actually feel sorry for the FIL - I bet his children weren’t the ones being woken at night, watching every minute how the person they loved become someone else, but happy to stick the knife in when they disapproved. His wife had been in a care home for a year before she moved in! His kids would have been happy for him to be alone for two more because it suited them. And then his son is happy enough to ask for financial help when it suits him! I’m surprised he wants to speak to his son after all that!

@Attheheart huge and for you. I think that those who see you as cold have no actual personal experience of how actually difficult and all encompassing that life is.

YABU. Just be polite at the wedding and enjoy the day.

My dad said it was like living with a stranger. I hope you’ve found the happiness you deserve @Attheheart, you’ve travelled a long, hard road.

I suggest not approaching the FIL and his wife. Keeping conversation to a minimum and about your DSS and his bride if you are approached.

My MIL had dementia for over 40 years and was in a home for her final 8. DH (an only child) and I had discussions at various stages, when she was in the nursing home, about whether he should have a chat with his Dad just to let him know he had his support if he did have the opportunity for a new relationship.

Dementia is a life sentence, and not just for the sufferer.

My dad has dementia the person is long gone but the body still functioning .
FIL lost her a long time before she died and his wife illness if anything proves life is too short especially at your FIL age.

Why should anyone be deprived of any happiness or making the most of what life they have got left . Because the shell of there partner is still existing in a home .

If my mum did this I truly wouldn't be bothered it would take some getting used to .She has a miserable life caring for someone who doesn't even know where he is or who she is .

They way you speak about DH you sound more like his mum.

Did his friend stand to you or take some of DH focus away from you . Controlling .

@Attheheart, I apologise for my last comment which was a bit bitchy. I do sympathise with the OP's husband and sister in this case and would find it very difficult to maintain a good relationship with my father if he did the same, but you've been there and know what it's like so I'll defer to you.

DH has gone NC with his father over the way he treated his mother and has done this to you? Hmm. It's OK having standards, but if you're going to judge others for them you have to live by them yourself.

I wonder how much support FIL got from his sanctimonious family whilst coping with the loss of his wife to dementia, long before she died.

You all sound thoroughly unpleasant. Why would you even consider doing anything but being polite to everyone at DSS's wedding?

You’re exhausting OP. It’s all about you and what you think and what you believe and what you want.

I should imagine the FIL is probably enjoying the peace

When it comes to weddings and situations like this: grow up. It’s a single day celebrating two people you love getting married, you can be civil for a single day for their sake.

The fact you say you might “conveniently” miss the wedding of two people you claim to care about so you don’t have to speak to someone or obviously snub them is insane.

To add to above comment, if you are NOT there will that not create gossip and drama?

And if you 'conveniently quarantine' will the rest of your family not have to ? Therefore making you dh miss his son's wedding?!

[quote Classica]@Attheheart, I apologise for my last comment which was a bit bitchy. I do sympathise with the OP's husband and sister in this case and would find it very difficult to maintain a good relationship with my father if he did the same, but you've been there and know what it's like so I'll defer to you.[/quote]
It isn’t OP’s father though, it is her FIL. Any frankly if her DH and his sister have decided to accept the situation, I don’t think OP should be making things awkward at somebody else’s wedding,

She is also being faintly ridiculous in maintaining her anger at her FIL but not her DH because FIL lent his son some money and she doesn’t like how he spent it.