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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To refuse to speak to FIL when at DSS wedding

116 replies

Loyalorstupid · 24/07/2021 10:48

OK, so name change for this as might be outing.

My FIL, who has always been very selfish and uncaring to both my DH and SisIL, will be going to my DSSs wedding, taking his second wife (who is same age as SisIL) with him.

His 1st wife (mother of DH and SisIL) died earlier this year after being in a care home with alzheimers for 3 years.

FIL had moved the now 2nd wife into marital home 2 years before first wife died, which none of the family approved of. He also took other actions regarding her that were, in the family's view, completely inappropriate. As a result both DH and SisIL cut contact with him.

Also, before going NC with his DF, DH borrowed money from FIL to finance something they both knew I would strongly disagree with if I knew about it. I have dealt with DH about that, and the matter is settled between us, but I am still absolutely incensed that FIL lent this money, and kept it a secret, even though he knew how totally this would damage mine and DHs relationship.

For reference this was potentially a marriage breaker but DH has worked hard to apologise, regain my trust and get our relationship back on a good track. So all good there now.

So, DH is now saying that he will have to speak to his DF and the 2nd wife when at the wedding for the sake of his son and bride, which I totally get. If he wants to do that it is his choice, I won't try and stop him doing that.

But ... AIBU if I still refuse to speak to either FIL or 2nd wife as I am still massively upset at how he behaved re late MIL, and still furious he aided DH in deceiving me which could have ended my marriage.

I adore my DSS and his future bride, and won't cause any scene at the wedding, but I just cannot imagine even bringing myself to even be coldly polite to such a complete * (fill in the word here, you get the gist!).

Give me the benefit of MNs wisdom please ..

YANBU = Don't speak to the FIL and 2nd wife
YABU = You should speak to them for sake of DSS and his wonderful bride to be.

Third option would be I get conveniently "quarantined" the day before the wedding, but I would hate to miss it as I do love DSS dearly.

Help!

OP posts:

BillyIsMyBunny · 24/07/2021 12:02

Your ‘D’H’s actions are on him. Your FIL hasn’t made any vows towards you and of course his loyalty is going to be with his son. It sounds like you are conveniently putting the blame onto your FIL so that you can take it off your husband and forgive him; I don’t see any logic in being able to forgive your husband but then to still hold it against your FIL. His actions were at the request of your husband and it’s likely your FIL didn’t realise his strongly you felt, he certainly wouldn’t have had as much insight into your feelings as your husband who chose to willingly deceive you and risk the entire marriage. If you want to hold onto anger about that incident it should be held to your husband and not your FIL.

I also think that it was not unreasonable for your FIL to move onto a new partner if MIL had Alzheimer’s and was no longer even living at home. She was no longer a partner in the true sense of having somebody to share the ups and downs of life with and who you can rely on etc. No doubt your FIL was lonely and not part of an equal partnership with MIL anymore and it was reasonable for him to seek that companionship out elsewhere regardless of how your husband and SIL felt.

Original poster

Loyalorstupid · 24/07/2021 12:02

Oh, and yes, I did see the flat and it was his friend living there, definitely not an OW.

And I guess the reason I forgave my DH more easily is because I know he is such a soft touch. We've been married 20 years, and time and time again I have seen him taken advantage of by so called friends. I only ever want to protect him from his own soft heart ❤ not control him.

OP posts:

Madre1972 · 24/07/2021 12:04

Your fil made his own adult choices re his wife, you have no idea what conversations they may or may not have had pre her illness.

Your fil then made an adult choice to help his adult son, he is not responsible for how that impacts your marriage, your DH is.

If you go to the wedding you owe it to the bride and groom to not create an issue on their day.

Justmuddlingalong · 24/07/2021 12:05

How exhausting.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 24/07/2021 12:13

You're blaming your FIL and your dhs friend for leading him astray. You have to make him see people are bad influences in his life, and he's a soft touch who gets taken advantage of.

This is a fully grown adult man with a wife and grown up kids.

He is fully to blame, not everyone else. You need to stop excusing his behaviour and convincing him to cut people out. It actually sounds like you're taking advantage of his 'soft nature' yourself tbh.

Original poster

Loyalorstupid · 24/07/2021 12:21

I get I have held on to my anger for FIL too long and I am going to work on that. But please don't think I control my DH or take advantage of his kindness, because I really don't. I just love him to bits and hate seeing him used by people who claim to be his friends. And it has only ever been this one so called friend I wanted him to drop because I didn't want my husband to end up borderline alcoholic, in debt, and losing his job because this man was persuading him to be "one of the lads".

OP posts:

NotSorry · 24/07/2021 12:24

@SW1amp

So your DH had an affair and wanted to move his OW in to a little shag pad, but didn’t have the money, so his dad subbed him the cash to have somewhere for the OW to live?

And you found out about it and have forgiven your husband for having an affair, having repeated sex with a other woman, setting her up in a flat, visiting the flat for sex, lying to you about it and exposing you to STDs

But you don’t want to forgive your FIL for the loan and not telling him no, you shouldn’t be putting your OW up in a flat..?

If you forgave the situation, you forgave the situation
(Which is probably your mistake)
You can’t hold a grudge against the person with 1% involvement but forgive the person with 100%

The 2nd wife thing is a distraction
If the family was that outraged, he wouldn’t be invited to the wedding

WTF?

NotSorry · 24/07/2021 12:26

@Ozanj

Where does it say her DH cheated on her?

Flowers500 · 24/07/2021 12:28

This is just absolutely ridiculous, you're angry at your FIL because your husband is a grown man who does things you don't like, and as your FIL doesn't enforce your rules on your DH you can't stand to be around him?!?!?! That's ridiculous and quite frankly I think you owe the FIL a huge apology for any anger felt towards him for this. It's got absolutely zero to do with his relationship with you and it's borderline narcissistic to see this that way.

The situation with the MIL is incredibly difficult, but I really don't judge him for it at all. I can see why his children as so upset but I don't think they are being fair, his wife may have only "died" recently but in reality he had been widowed a lot longer.

I don't think the man has actually done anything wrong, and it seems to me like you are a toxic influence in this. It seems like you have played a part in your DH's decision to go NC with his last remaining parent, and I think your actions have been selfish. If you had the DH's best interests in mind you would stay neutral and support a relationship, remind him of the other side in all this, etc.

Pingued · 24/07/2021 12:31

Maybe FIL is also a "soft touch" and your DH persuaded him to give him the money for his mates flat

luckylavender · 24/07/2021 12:32

I would have as little contact as possible whilst not causing a problem for DSS's sake.

Flowers500 · 24/07/2021 12:32

@Loyalorstupid

I think the reason I find it harder to forgive FIL is because this money thing was just one item in a whole list of things he has done to totally disrespect me, and to try and break up my marriage to DH. Which DH sees now, and understands why I find it so hard to forgive FIL when I did forgive DH.

Again, sorry but I read all of this as you being a toxic and controlling influence in your DH's relationship with FIL. You have your vision of the man your DH will be, if FIL won't join you in keeping the straitjacket on then he's a problem to be disposed of.

If you're not supporting a partner's relationship with his parents because the parents don't enforce your rules with an ADULT, then you are being hugely unreasonable and a negative influence

VodselForDinner · 24/07/2021 12:38

If you forgave the situation, you forgave the situation

And you have imagined the situation. Quite vividly. It’s remarkable.

Saoirse82 · 24/07/2021 12:38

Is your DH a bit of a wet wipe? Friendships have to be managed by you and you needing you to explain why he should be going NC with FIL. Sounds like you're talking about a child.

ineedsun · 24/07/2021 12:48

This isn’t really about you is it? It’s DSS’s wedding, it’s DHs father, I’m struggling to see in what way your feelings should have any bearing on any part of the day.

I can see that you’ve decided to act maturely which is good, I don’t really understand how you didn’t come to that conclusion yourself.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 24/07/2021 12:49

TBH I couldn’t blame anyone for starting another relationship if a spouse has bad enough dementia to need to be in a care home. Maybe she didn’t even recognise him any more.

Within only about a year of developing Alzheimer’s, someone I knew had not only ceased to recognise her dh of 40 odd years, but had become terrified of this (to her) stranger, and was continually locking him out.

Iwonder08 · 24/07/2021 12:49

There is one thing I don't understand. This is a wedding of a person who is not involved in this complicated relationship. Why does it matter if you speak to your fil? Just go, say congratulations, enjoy nice food, talk to other people. This conflict has nothing to do with the wedding. Also I don't understand what this second wife of his did to you personally, but again.. There will be other people to socialise with

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 24/07/2021 12:53

And it has only ever been this one so called friend I wanted him to drop

Its not just this one friend though, you want him to drop his own father because you deem him a bad influence.

PercyPiginaWig · 24/07/2021 13:04

This is one of those occasions where you just be civil, exchange a few pleasantries about the happy couple and keep anything else inside, do not rise to any bait, especially if alcohol may be a factor on the day.

FIL loyalty is to his son, not to you.
He is now married to his second wife, surely you can manage a few words with her. Your late MIL would presumably have wanted what is best for her grandson which includes that the adults in his life behave with maturity and manners on his wedding day.
It all sounds a bit overdramatic.

IamnotSethRogan · 24/07/2021 13:09

I genuinely think you've all been incredibly judgemental of your FIL. Having a partner with Alzheimer's is awful.

The money thing is a you and DH problem and your anger at FIL is misplaced

CandyLeBonBon · 24/07/2021 13:15

@SW1amp

So your DH had an affair and wanted to move his OW in to a little shag pad, but didn’t have the money, so his dad subbed him the cash to have somewhere for the OW to live?

But you don’t want to forgive your FIL for the loan and not telling him no, you shouldn’t be putting your OW up in a flat..?

If you forgave the situation, you forgave the situation
(Which is probably your mistake)
You can’t hold a grudge against the person with 1% involvement but forgive the person with 100%

The 2nd wife thing is a distraction
If the family was that outraged, he wouldn’t be invited to the wedding

Well this is a bit embarrassing 😳

MsHedgehog · 24/07/2021 13:25

There is a bit of hypocrisy in your posts...

So you have an issue against FIL because you feel he did something that was against you by loaning your DH money. You feel he interfered in your relationship.

But are you not doing the exact same thing by knowing absolutely nothing about his marriage before his wife went into a home and him subsequently getting remarried? You’re interfering in his relationship.

MsHedgehog · 24/07/2021 13:27

Also, your anger is misplaced. Your FIL helped his son out when he needed cash. It was your husband who betrayed you, not FIL.

slashlover · 24/07/2021 15:14

So your DH is a soft touch but your FIL is horrible for doing the exact same thing?

If your DH has an adult DC then people taking constantly taking advantage of him and you having to save him comes off as pathetic.

BadNomad · 24/07/2021 15:26

I do think you have a bit of a mixed up way of looking at things. The money issue was a father helping out his son. It wasn't about you or your marriage from his point of view. Would you be mad at the bank if he'd gotten a loan that way? That was solely on your husband.

As for your FIL and his 2nd wife, well it's just not as simple as saying he moved another woman in while still married. Alzheimers/dementia is a horrible disease. It's long and progressive. It changes the sufferer. At some point your MIL stopped being the woman he knew and loved. In any other relationship when that happens people either work through it, get counselling or they seperate. Dementia robs you of that process. And it's incredibly unfair to expect anyone to put their life on hold for an unknown length of time. That poor woman was gone long before she died.

You should try having a bit more empathy like your husband and stop judging people for their life choices or you'll end up with very few people in your life.

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