To refuse to speak to FIL when at DSS wedding

[Loyalorstupid]

OK, so name change for this as might be outing.

My FIL, who has always been very selfish and uncaring to both my DH and SisIL, will be going to my DSSs wedding, taking his second wife (who is same age as SisIL) with him.

His 1st wife (mother of DH and SisIL) died earlier this year after being in a care home with alzheimers for 3 years.

FIL had moved the now 2nd wife into marital home 2 years before first wife died, which none of the family approved of. He also took other actions regarding her that were, in the family's view, completely inappropriate. As a result both DH and SisIL cut contact with him.

Also, before going NC with his DF, DH borrowed money from FIL to finance something they both knew I would strongly disagree with if I knew about it. I have dealt with DH about that, and the matter is settled between us, but I am still absolutely incensed that FIL lent this money, and kept it a secret, even though he knew how totally this would damage mine and DHs relationship.

For reference this was potentially a marriage breaker but DH has worked hard to apologise, regain my trust and get our relationship back on a good track. So all good there now.

So, DH is now saying that he will have to speak to his DF and the 2nd wife when at the wedding for the sake of his son and bride, which I totally get. If he wants to do that it is his choice, I won't try and stop him doing that.

But ... AIBU if I still refuse to speak to either FIL or 2nd wife as I am still massively upset at how he behaved re late MIL, and still furious he aided DH in deceiving me which could have ended my marriage.

I adore my DSS and his future bride, and won't cause any scene at the wedding, but I just cannot imagine even bringing myself to even be coldly polite to such a complete * (fill in the word here, you get the gist!).

Give me the benefit of MNs wisdom please ..

YANBU = Don't speak to the FIL and 2nd wife
YABU = You should speak to them for sake of DSS and his wonderful bride to be.

Third option would be I get conveniently "quarantined" the day before the wedding, but I would hate to miss it as I do love DSS dearly.

Help!

Yes, am now definitely going to just try and avoid them, but can absolutely promise I would never do anything to spoil DSSs big day ... love him far too much for that.

If your FIL has tried to break up your marriage, again I would find it very hard to forgive your DH for not trying to do something about that, rather than going to his father to ask for money for a friend of his.

@Fullofglee

Having worked with people with dementia often or not they say the person they were died well before they physically died, that's not to say he didn't love his first wife however in his eyes she died long before her body did,she was no longer there in spirit and mind. Regarding money issue that's on your dh your married into the family it's not up to you to take issue with your fil actions that's completely down to your dh and his sister. You can have an option and voice it to your dh but that where its stop its a wedding its unfair to the bride and groom to create tension and a hostile environment by ignoring them both.

Very very sadly agree with this, its a horrible illness.

Dh was the one who made the choice to still be friends with this guy, then go behind your back, ask for a loan from FIL, then give it to this guy. All FIL did was hand over money to his son.

It sounds like your misplacing your anger at dh here.

It was your dh that caused the entire problem and you've forgiven him for it, now he's agreeing with you because it gives you two a common enemy to blame rather than face up to the fact your dh can blatantly lie to you and sneak about.

I dont think you are as over what happened with your DH as much as you say you are. Which is why your projecting all your unresolved feelings onto your FIL.

You are cross at the wrong person
BUT you have every right not to like someone and as long as it doesn’t spoil the wedding for the B&G do what you want

You can’t literally refuse to speak to him because that could cause a scene, but you can avoid prolonged conversations.

Wasn't a mistress, but someone DH had agreed he wouldn't see (male friend who was a very bad influence

This sounds a bit controlling. In what way was the friend a bad influence? Is your husband easily lead or something?
Agree that your anger is misplaced.

Does DH have feelings towards this mister? Seems an extreme thing to do for a mate.

Anyway if you let him off having a secret flat I don't think you can be angry at FIL for helping him.

I can see why the family don't approve of the way the 2nd wife came about (but it is complicated clearly) but she is family now and your role is to support your DH. If he feels he needs to talk to them don't make it more difficult for him.

I wouldn't be seeking him out to talk to and would subtly keep my distance but be polite if I absolutely had to as I would not want to be responsible for any upset at the wedding.

@SW1amp

So your DH had an affair and wanted to move his OW in to a little shag pad, but didn’t have the money, so his dad subbed him the cash to have somewhere for the OW to live?

And you found out about it and have forgiven your husband for having an affair, having repeated sex with a other woman, setting her up in a flat, visiting the flat for sex, lying to you about it and exposing you to STDs

But you don’t want to forgive your FIL for the loan and not telling him no, you shouldn’t be putting your OW up in a flat..?

If you forgave the situation, you forgave the situation
(Which is probably your mistake)
You can’t hold a grudge against the person with 1% involvement but forgive the person with 100%

The 2nd wife thing is a distraction
If the family was that outraged, he wouldn’t be invited to the wedding

someone's got an active imagination! What a ridiculous number of assumptions to make with such conviction!

OP, IMHO you need to get over these issues. It's not worth spoiling your DSS wedding day over in the slightest. Your anger towards FIL over the money is misdirected and should be 100% on your husband. With regards to your annoyance about second wife - it's not really your business. It wasn't your spouse who suffered with dementia. It's not your place to judge.

I am not sure it is a common enemy thing. DH went NC with FIL because of the disrespect he felt FIL showed towards his DM by moving OW in when she wasn't dead. Also, through the marriage DH witnessed FIL often being disrespectful towards his DM and this final thing pushed him to NC.

Once I told him about the various acts of disrespect FIL had also shown to me behind DHs back, he then also understood why I was so furious with FIL too.

But, setting that aside, I am going to take the good advice here and will be polite at the wedding, and will do all I can to make sure it is a perfect day for DSS.

Be cool polite step away from them if they try to engage with you just excuse yourself and go to the bar or speak to someone else

@Loyalorstupid

It wasn't something he bought, like a physical item, it was to pay rent for a flat I knew nothing about and which someone else was living in.

If your dh cheated on you then how is it his dad’s fault?

I don't think you really have forgiven DH. You just recognise that if you continue to direct your anger towards him indefinitely then your marriage will be over.

Therefore you've subconsciously switched your vitriol to FIL who is a safer, non-marriage ending target.

I would re-examine my feelings towards DH if you want to resolve this in any lasting way.

The money thing isn’t your fil fault and I suspect you’re transferring your feelings of anger about it to him so that you can move past it with your DH.
In terms of his actions around the new partner then if your DH can be polite and talk to him then you can too; at my wedding we had a similar situation and we seated both people at different tables but they did talk for our sake as they felt the day was about us and not them; I think you’re risking damaging your relationship with your DSS and hai wife if you refuse to.

It’s not your day and you shouldn’t create an atmosphere. Just be civil.

The male friend was a bad influence, drink, drugs, petty crime (it had escalated throughout the course of the friendship - he had always been a bit of a 'bad lad').

If my DHs friendship with him had carried on, his mate could have encouraged him to do stuff he would have regretted, not least of all they would drink far too much when they were together and DH was starting to struggle with that. If that had carried on it could have led to him losing his job.

I didn't force DH to drop the friend, I just made him see sense as to where it was leading, so DH agreed to avoid him. But then this mate didn't have anywhere to live, and played on DHs sympathy to get him to pay for a flat for six months upfront.

Regardless of your reasons, it’s pretty easy to completely avoid someone at a wedding, as long as they’re not the bride or groom, unless it’s a tiny wedding!

You don’t have to approach FIL and if he comes over just absent yourself to nip to the loo, to get a breath of fresh air, to make a quick phone call to check on the kids/dog/house, or become engrossed in conversation with the person next to you or across from you.

For me it comes down to what matters to you most: your love for DSS and his new wife, or your disgust towards FIL and knowing that. Your actions will have consequences for both how you feel on the day and in the future, but also how others feel on the day and how they remember the day, and their feelings towards you.

You make your DH sound as though he isn't responsible for his actions. He is. Your issue is with him, however much you say everything is resolved, not those around him who you appear to blame for enabling/leading him astray.

Did you actually see it was this mate living in the flat?

Anyway. For the wedding. Just be civil. You don't have to seek them out to chat. Just talk to them as you would any other stranger if they start to make small talk.

Agreed @Bear65 ... when you put it that way my love for DSS outweighs everything else.

Thanks everyone for getting my head straight ... I think I was too wrapped in my dislike of FIL ... but am going to work hard on that

You're blaming everyone except your DH for your DH's actions. You haven't forgiven him - you've just placed the blame elsewhere and pretended none of it was his fault.

A third party cannot ruin a marriage. Only one (or both) of the people in the couple can do that.

I think you don’t like your FIL because you see his as not loyal, and duplicitous. Your husband has behaved in a very similar way.

Go to the wedding and be civil. Don’t ruin your stepson’s day because of the issues your husband caused.