To refuse to speak to FIL when at DSS wedding

[Loyalorstupid]

OK, so name change for this as might be outing.

My FIL, who has always been very selfish and uncaring to both my DH and SisIL, will be going to my DSSs wedding, taking his second wife (who is same age as SisIL) with him.

His 1st wife (mother of DH and SisIL) died earlier this year after being in a care home with alzheimers for 3 years.

FIL had moved the now 2nd wife into marital home 2 years before first wife died, which none of the family approved of. He also took other actions regarding her that were, in the family's view, completely inappropriate. As a result both DH and SisIL cut contact with him.

Also, before going NC with his DF, DH borrowed money from FIL to finance something they both knew I would strongly disagree with if I knew about it. I have dealt with DH about that, and the matter is settled between us, but I am still absolutely incensed that FIL lent this money, and kept it a secret, even though he knew how totally this would damage mine and DHs relationship.

For reference this was potentially a marriage breaker but DH has worked hard to apologise, regain my trust and get our relationship back on a good track. So all good there now.

So, DH is now saying that he will have to speak to his DF and the 2nd wife when at the wedding for the sake of his son and bride, which I totally get. If he wants to do that it is his choice, I won't try and stop him doing that.

But ... AIBU if I still refuse to speak to either FIL or 2nd wife as I am still massively upset at how he behaved re late MIL, and still furious he aided DH in deceiving me which could have ended my marriage.

I adore my DSS and his future bride, and won't cause any scene at the wedding, but I just cannot imagine even bringing myself to even be coldly polite to such a complete * (fill in the word here, you get the gist!).

Give me the benefit of MNs wisdom please ..

YANBU = Don't speak to the FIL and 2nd wife
YABU = You should speak to them for sake of DSS and his wonderful bride to be.

Third option would be I get conveniently "quarantined" the day before the wedding, but I would hate to miss it as I do love DSS dearly.

Help!

YABVU. I have every sympathy for your FIL. Look at it from his position. His wife is sick, he cares for her until he no longer can, he the. Finds happiness which no one accepts and finally, he helps his son after his son requests money. And you’re all furious at him. The poor man. If I were him, I’d consider not talking to you! However I hope for the sake of the bride and groom you all grow up and behave.

I wouldn't go out of your way to talk to them, but be civil if they speak to you. It is your DSS day and as someone that has been in a very similar situation with my own wedding, i can say with almost certainty, he is worrying about this too.

If either of them come up to you, quickly say:

“Oh do excuse me I need a shit”

@aiwblam

If either of them come up to you, quickly say:

“Oh do excuse me I need a shit”

What would you get out of not speaking to them? Would it make you feel better in some way?

I'd be polite if I was face to face with him but otherwise I'd avoid. I think moving a new partner into the family home when your spouse is still alive is so cold hearted. No matter if his wife had Alzheimer's or not. If you had really fallen for someone the least you could do is be discreet. But moving her into his wife's home, into their bed? Revolting behaviour. I'm not surprised your DH and his sister cut contact.

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

With regards to the money that was all on your dh, he was the one who decided this, and I'm not sure someone that uncaring would have lent the money tbh.

The new wife is a tricky one. Having a partner with alzheimers is really tough, you grieve a person even though they are still alive, I don't think I could bring myself to judge him for moving on while she was still physically here.

There may well be other reasons you don't like him, but based on these two ywbu to ignore him imo.

That is good sense.

In your place op I would keep contact with him to the minimum without actually sending him to Coventry.

You cannot take bitterness to your son's wedding, it's nothing to do with him.

@Fullofglee

Having worked with people with dementia often or not they say the person they were died well before they physically died, that's not to say he didn't love his first wife however in his eyes she died long before her body did,she was no longer there in spirit and mind. Regarding money issue that's on your dh your married into the family it's not up to you to take issue with your fil actions that's completely down to your dh and his sister. You can have an option and voice it to your dh but that where its stop its a wedding its unfair to the bride and groom to create tension and a hostile environment by ignoring them both.

This is right on the mark, especially with regard to the wife with dementia.

@Loyalorstupid
Your husband isn't a soft touch. He knows you would dislike it so he deliberately went behind your back, found a way of getting money and hid it from you

He's not a soft touch to you it would seem and has let his father take the fall

@Loyalorstupid Would it give your father-in-law pleasure to think he had got under your skin? He certainly sounds like the type.
If so, make it your mission to deny him that satisfaction.
If he knows you are angry or irritated by him in any way, he will enjoy it.

Can you affect an air of total disinterest in him or boredom, without being rude? You can speak to both him and the OW without actually having a conversation with them. I’m sure you won’t have been seated together so you can just excuse yourself after minimal pleasantries to go and talk to someone else. Make sure you are obviously having a wonderful time at the wedding.

He should leave the event feeling that he has no relevance to you.

Perhaps agree with your DH in advance (who may feel he has to converse more) what FIL will and won’t be told about your family life. The name of the game is to be polite while telling him nothing substantive and asking him nothing much either.

So your FIL has watched his wife be so advanced in her disease that she has required care home for 3 whole years and you are all annoyed at him for being lonely and starting a relationship? I can understand why his children are upset about it when they are grieving their mum and there are a lot of emotions but really you are a bit more detached from the situation..do you not have a bit of empathy for why he might need company?

Your DH made a decision to rent a flat for his friend with money he didn't have knowing you didn't approve. He approached your FIL (even though he wasn't speaking to him he was happy to take his money) and your FIL gave him it. He wasn't buying him off and your FIL owed you no courtesy in not lending him the money, it wasn't really anything to do with you. If he had approached a bank would you have expected them to call you and make sure the loan was for a reason you approved of?

This wedding has nothing to do with you and your FILs perceived wrong doings. For the sake of DSS and his new wife suck it up and go to the wedding and say 'oh what a lovely wedding, aren't these centrepieces beautiful' and make awkward small talk for the day. It is not about you or the family or any fall outs, its the happy couples day.

FIL would not have known about it if your DH had not approached him for the money. Your anger is misplaced.

Any parent with the means would help their DC if asked, regardless of what the DC's spouse says about it; that's not an in laws relationship to manage.

Go to the wedding and behave like an adult. You don't have to sit discussing War and Peace with FIL, but it wouldn't kill you to say hello, then move on to someone else for the sake of your DSS.

I dont think you can pass judgement on someone elses marriage when your own dh is underhanded.

You dont know what fil and mil discussed.Maybe she gave her blessing.
You can have a cats bum face but what Fil does or doesnt do is none of your business.His ds and kids can make their own decisions.

But if i was in your shoes i would be more concerned about your own dh and what hes up too.

Absolutely not your place to cast your judgement on his relationship! None of your business . If he is happy then good for him. Perhaps you should have typed out some rules and regulations you think would've been correct to govern his,relationships.
As far as lending money, then his son asked him and he lent it. Provably kind. Your DH is the twat here if it was for something that would jeopardise your relationship .
Maybe I'm missing something OP but you sound like you have it in for him and are twisting non events. Wind your neck in and be polite at the wedding.

[quote Throwthecam]@Loyalorstupid
Your husband isn't a soft touch. He knows you would dislike it so he deliberately went behind your back, found a way of getting money and hid it from you

He's not a soft touch to you it would seem and has let his father take the fall[/quote]
Absolutely this.

The reasons you've listed here don't really seem good enough to vilify FIL. Him lending your DH money was DHs fault, and as others say it's harsh to judge him for getting into another relationship. But if you just don't like him for other reasons then just don't seek out conversations with him.

I managed to get through my brother's wedding without speaking much to my Dad's wife; think we interacted once. Every time she moved towards me I found myself deep in conversation with someone else. It can be done OP.

Yes the busier the wedding the easier it is to 'ooops, what a shame I barely got to see you at Paul and Jane's wedding'.

I got through my own wedding without speaking to my new SIL - she's a trouble maker who told my husband to dump me before we were married as I'm "domineering" we'd never even met at that point

The money is all on DH. You can blame FIL as much as you like but it wasn't his job to check what DH had told you.

Re the 2nd wife and MIL, you have no idea what his life was. I cared for DH for the last year if his life and I loved him and did my best for him, but he wasn't my husband anymore. FIL had much longer to live in that limbo. I don't know him, obviously, but have some sympathy for him.

Bottom line is DSS wants him there and you're a grown up, so you need to act like one.

What I mean by sympathy for FIL is that having a spouse who can't actually be a spouse is unbearably tough and at the same time you become acutely aware that life is short and can turn on a sixpence. I don't blame him for trying to find some happiness while he can.

He probably needed someone to cook for him, do the laundry and shag him once a week. There's a reason men are more likely to ship a new partner in the marital home before the current one has died.

@Classica

He probably needed someone to cook for him, do the laundry and shag him once a week. There's a reason men are more likely to ship a new partner in the marital home before the current one has died.

Actually it's generally known that men who've had the happiest marriages remarry quickly. Life must be hard being so cynical, but not as watching someone you love fade away with dementia.

You see me as cynical and I see you as cold. You may think his wife does not matter so much because her mind is gone but I do. Moving another woman into his wife's home before she'd died is an insult to her. He could have had a more discreet relationship and avoided hurting his children like this.

I don't usually vote in threads but YABU. I don't quite understand the situation with your husband and FIL's money but this is a wedding and not yours. Go and behave appropriately or don't go.

Sorry if I am being a little blunt but my wedding day was overshadowed by difficult behaviour by family members who should have known better. Please try and remember whose day this is.