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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Baby growing up sadness

83 replies

Newmama93 · 23/07/2021 09:34

Ok this might seem ridiculous, I do have ocd so I’m not sure if I’m going through normal Mum stuff or if it’s a new ocd obsession starting.

I read an article about how being a boy mum feels like the slowest heart break you’ll ever go through as they age, it has me balling my eyes out. I’ve cried for three days straight now and can’t seem to get a fu*cking grip!!! Something has come over me and I can’t shake it, I can’t stop thinking wow it’ll be so sad when he’s grown and I’m not his world anymore, he adores me so much now and then as a teen he won’t and I’m going to have to go through losing that little person that once looked at me like their whole universe. I know I am lucky to have my child I know this and I know it may sound selfish but it’s how I feel and I can’t shake it. That article tore me apart and now I can’t even be happy playing with my baby because it just makes me cry that he won’t be this little soon and it’ll all be a distant memory and I can never get it back. I’m 23 with a 4 month old. Please help

OP posts:

Cloudninenine · 23/07/2021 09:39

I had a lot of anxiety about my baby growing up in his first few months. But it has got better - he’s now 7 months and I’ve loved each new stage more than the last, and now I don’t fear him growing up.

It sounds like a daft article - there’s nothing about boys that makes it sadder to be their parent than girls!

Eveningtwilight · 23/07/2021 09:41

Sorry but that’s mad. The logical alternative is that your child remains at whatever developmental stage he is at now whilst his body grows. I think that be much more upsetting so in the nicest way get a grip

DoucheCanoe · 23/07/2021 09:43

It's normal to have a moment like this every now and then, particularly in the early days when they're reliant on you for everything then suddenly you see them learning to be more independent.

Crying about it and not being able to play is not a normal reaction though, might be worth speaking to your GP/HV about it as it could be a manifestation of Post natal depression or it could just be your hormones going wild but either way it's helpful to talk it through!

Original poster

Newmama93 · 23/07/2021 09:43

To be honest this is really helpful and I need to be told
To get a grip

OP posts:

Stormyequine · 23/07/2021 09:43

It would be a real shame to waste the lovely time you have with him now, being sad abut the fact it will end. If it helps mine is a teen now, and so far still very loving and in need of regular hugs. You won't lose him. Watching them grow and develop as people can be amazing.

Stormyequine · 23/07/2021 09:45

Oh and take lots of photos and videos, you will treasure them in years to come.

DoucheCanoe · 23/07/2021 09:45

Fwiw, mine are 8 and 15 and they still need me for stuff. Not as often sure and not being there to watch them all the time is weird but I don't feel like I've lost anything.

Original poster

Newmama93 · 23/07/2021 09:47

I guess it just hits hard that one day he’ll have his own family I won’t be a part of. It just hurt to read that you grieve the little versions of them and it feels like they are gone. I seriously cannot stop crying I know this is insane. I can’t eat .. nothing. I think I might have PPA

OP posts:

TheGriffle · 23/07/2021 09:48

Would you rather he didn’t grow up? You grew up and left your parents, it’s why we have children so we can teach them to be wonderful independent human beings (hopefully!) it’s sad as each stage passes by but exciting to see the new person they are becoming.

TabithaTiger · 23/07/2021 09:53

So sorry you feel like this. If it helps, my DS are 22 and 20 and we're all still really close. Both hug me all the time, and youngest will often come for a cuddle on the sofa. I am a single parent so maybe that makes a difference, I don't know?

They had their moments in their teens, but they've still always needed me. It's difficult to describe, but the change is very subtle, they don't go from being a little boy to a man instantly, you don't really notice it happen. And every stage is different and wonderful (and challenging!) in its own way. That article sounds stupid, please try not let this upset you.

SemiFeralDalek · 23/07/2021 09:53

I remember having a similar bad day with a similar article when DS1 was a tiny baby. It's the realisation that your tiny baby one day won't need you as much, they will grow and thrive and have a life independent of you, and it feels huge.

But, it won't be tommorow, or the next day or month or year. It will be many years from now when they are ready and you're prepared for it.

If it persists though, the feeling, then it might be an idea to seek some support, your GP or HV. It may just be a bad day with a lot of hormones and cumulative tiredness, or it may be PND.

Kindlethefourth · 23/07/2021 09:55

It sounds as if you could do with a chat with the HV but I am not being flippant when I say that when he turns into Kevin the teenager you may long for some time apart from him!!! It won't be the cute baby flying the nest at that point.

Original poster

Newmama93 · 23/07/2021 09:57

Do you feel sad now at all? Thank you

OP posts:

Youseethethingis · 23/07/2021 09:57

You need to flip it round in your head.
I sometimes get a little bit "oh where did my baby boy go?" Over DS (aged 2!!)
But the alternative is the unthinkable. I will never get to see the baby, child, man that my DS2 would have been, because he was stillborn at 35 week, just 11 months after DS1 was born. So my treacherous phone dangles last year's memories in front of me every day - " here's what you could have had with DS2 right now" it says. But I'll never know.
Treasure your baby, celebrate his milestones, take pride in watching him becoming all he can be. You are rich beyond measure

October2020 · 23/07/2021 09:57

This is one of the weirdest things about parenting, I find. Clearly, the alternative (they die, they don't develop healthily...) is absolutely not what anyone wants for their child. And yet all we seem to do is miss the stages they were before!

My little girl isn't even a year old yet and I'm already grieving the newborn stage. I get round it by reminding myself that watching her grow up, and being there to support her in each next stage, is the greatest privilege of my life. That normally snaps me out of it when I'm crying over her newborn photos

Mercedes519 · 23/07/2021 10:00

Mine are older and I have moments of sadness when I think of them being tiny.

But it doesn't happen overnight. It's a gradual thing so you get used to it over time. Every new stage brings a new way to love them - seeing my teen mature and seeing glimpses of the adult they will be is amazing.

Also, after years of relentless parenting you don't miss needing to wipe their bums so there is relief as well

Kanaloa · 23/07/2021 10:00

Now my oldest are 11 & 10, it’s so much better than when they were babies! I’m not their whole world now but I get to be part of their own world and get to know them as they grow up and it’s fantastic. My DS11 is currently reading the same copy of Northern Lights I read at about that age, and he’ll take any opportunity to have a good chat about it, it’s amazing seeing him grow and hearing his thoughts. It’s connection in a whole new way than a baby needing you for everything.

RancidOldHag · 23/07/2021 10:02

@Newmama93

To be honest this is really helpful and I need to be told To get a grip

Yes, you do!

Some wistfulness is normal, but it's a bad idea to allow yourself to get so caught up in it that you cry for days.

The whole point of being a parent is to make the role redundant, launching adequately capable young people into the world.

If you want a further firm grip - remind yourself of the alternatives - a DC who becomes adult sized but retains the mind of a toddler?

The stages of childhood just all get better - your DC finds each one new and exciting and you get to see it all.

Elletine · 23/07/2021 10:07

@Youseethethingis I am so sorry for your loss

Rosebel · 23/07/2021 10:08

I have a one year old and I also have two teenagers. I was dreading my teens growing up but they still need me just in different ways.
When your LO grows up and has a family it doesn't mean you'll be excluded. I still have a close relationship with my parents and my brothers are probably closer to them than I am and they are grown up with children.
If your son has children one day won't you just have more people to love and spend time with?

FartleBarfle · 23/07/2021 10:08

I did think you were over the top until I read your son is 4 months. I definitely get your now. That first year is tough and you have lots of thoughts like that, I would say it's totally normal to feel the way you do. My son is now 6 and having been through a lot of stages with him I LOVE watching him grow up to be a lovely boy. He says he will always love me and want to be close to me when he is an adult too, and I often think - nah you won't! But I'm sure if we carry on the way we are we will always be close and we will always be there for him.

What is this article as it sounds like it was written by someone who is a little bitter and regretful and doesn't have a relationship with their son, blaming his gender rather than looking for the real reason. Maybe in previous generations boys moved off from their family more but I wouldn't say that's the case these days.

SemiFeralDalek · 23/07/2021 10:13

Treasure your baby, celebrate his milestones, take pride in watching him becoming all he can be. You are rich beyond measure

This is really lovely. And what I was trying to say.

My ds2 died at 21+4 shortly after birth last November. I am so sorry for your loss Youseethethingis experiencing the death of your baby is the worst horror.

Youseethethingis · 23/07/2021 10:24

for you @SemiFeralDalek shittest club on the planet
Also wanted to say to OP, your child will grow and change more rapidly in the first few years of life than they ever will again, and you have so much coming your way that you might not have thought of yet.
You think its wonderful cuddling your baby? Just wait until that baby is big enough to to grow his arms around you and give you a kiss!
You think the babbling is sweet but just wait until he calls out for his mama!
So much to enjoy at each stage

beigebrownblue · 23/07/2021 10:26

Perhaps it is something that we are not supposed to feel certain things as mothers?

mine is nearly sixteen, and I had moments of feeling sad about her finishing school, but now I'm glad about it.

Also looking forward to her being sixteen. So many things are her responsiblity now, and not mine, it is a weight off my shoulders.

Looking foward to reclaiming myself!

Bibidy · 23/07/2021 10:44

@Newmama93

Our parents are part of our families forever :)

I know lots of people worry more about boys growing up and away, but I know loads of men who are close to their mums.

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