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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Baby growing up sadness

83 replies

Newmama93 · 23/07/2021 09:34

Ok this might seem ridiculous, I do have ocd so I’m not sure if I’m going through normal Mum stuff or if it’s a new ocd obsession starting.

I read an article about how being a boy mum feels like the slowest heart break you’ll ever go through as they age, it has me balling my eyes out. I’ve cried for three days straight now and can’t seem to get a fu*cking grip!!! Something has come over me and I can’t shake it, I can’t stop thinking wow it’ll be so sad when he’s grown and I’m not his world anymore, he adores me so much now and then as a teen he won’t and I’m going to have to go through losing that little person that once looked at me like their whole universe. I know I am lucky to have my child I know this and I know it may sound selfish but it’s how I feel and I can’t shake it. That article tore me apart and now I can’t even be happy playing with my baby because it just makes me cry that he won’t be this little soon and it’ll all be a distant memory and I can never get it back. I’m 23 with a 4 month old. Please help

OP posts:

SemiFeralDalek · 23/07/2021 12:15

@RobinPenguins

Why is it any different for mothers of boys to mothers of girls?

A few pangs and longings sounds quite normal. Crying and being unable to enjoy life is not.

It's the whole "a daughters a daughter for all of your life, but your sons only yours until he gets a wife" or whatever that shit is.

You see it on here frequently, posts from DIL who dislike their MIL and want to cut her out with posters commenting on how they also hate their MIL, although obviously those threads are self selecting.

Ive seen it in my own life, my DH's family, the caring is put onto the adult daughters while the sons are excused from it. We moved away from my DH's family to be near my family etc.

Monoxide · 23/07/2021 12:18

That article is nonsense. You will always have your child. Just you’ll become increasingly like equals and friends instead of having a dependent relationship. You’ll be increasingly free instead of being tied. This is only a bad thing if you have nothing in your life except being a mother.

Winterwoollies · 23/07/2021 12:25

I have a baby son. I’be never been particularly emotional about him growing, I love seeing him turn into a proper little person and if I’m honest, I’m a bit eye-rolly at all the crying emoji sentimental bollocks about them growing up.

However, I read something similar recently and all it did was make me determined to be a mum that doesn’t smother him, doesn’t control him, gives him freedom and respect but demands the same in return. I want his home to be a safe haven for him and his friends, for him to learn independence, how to manage money and a home, and to respect women. I want there to be a healthy, open and honest dialogue, for him to feel thought of as a person and not babied or patronised as he grows… so that when he’s a grown man, he wants to come and see us, he wants to return here and to bring his life partners and for him to always feel safe and happy.

Focus on the positive outcomes of him growing and you might begin to feel excited about that, rather than wanting to preserve him in aspic.

RobinPenguins · 23/07/2021 12:26

It's the whole "a daughters a daughter for all of your life, but your sons only yours until he gets a wife" or whatever that shit is.

Stereotypical bollocks then. Thought so.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 23/07/2021 12:27

My first little boy died, that was grief beyond measure. I had my little girl die some years later too, those are the children I grieve.

I cant grieve my other dc growing up, thats exactly what they are supposed to do. My oldest is a 6ft 3" massive bloke now, he lives in his own flat, has a great job and a lovely girlfriend, and still comes back for his tea a couple of times a week, messages and calls all the time etc.

Each stage they pass is a celebration, sometimes there are tears, but mostly there is pride.

We have children so we can bring them up to be independent and not need us anymore.

I'm really sorry you're feeling so sad op, 4 months is prime hormone territory, if you feel this way for much longer it may be an idea to speak to your HV.

You don't want this beautiful time in your sons life to be tainted by feeling sad about things that haven't even happened yet

BountyIsUnderrated · 23/07/2021 12:38

It's normal to feel this way, one moment you are wishing the newborn stage is over the next they are one and you are looking back with rose tinted glasses.
The grass is always greener, try not to think of all the stages that are over but the things that are yet to come.
I look forward to when my baby is more independent, going to school and coming home telling me about his day.
At present I am just appreciating every moment, for example he has been calling me mama and crawling up to me every morning for a hug which is sweet.
4 months is still very little, it's only going to get more fun.

Coasterfan · 23/07/2021 12:54

Mine are 11 and 13 and it’s fantastic we have great fun together but I also have time to myself. The hardest thing for me was Christmas it was massive for us, weeks of all the events, multiple Santas etc such a great build up. then they got to 10 and 12 (I know!!!) and didn’t want to do it any more, I was devastated but we now have new traditions and it’s great just different. So what you do will change and what he needs you for will change but your role as a mum won’t. My son goes to secondary in September I still tuck him in with his Eeyore and give him a kiss every night, just don’t tell his friends!!

Original poster

Newmama93 · 23/07/2021 12:56

www.google.com.au/amp/s/www.mamamia.com.au/mia-freedman-family/amp/

This is the article!!! Please mums read and tell me if it’s how you feel

OP posts:

Original poster

Newmama93 · 23/07/2021 12:59

@BountyIsUnderrated

It's normal to feel this way, one moment you are wishing the newborn stage is over the next they are one and you are looking back with rose tinted glasses. The grass is always greener, try not to think of all the stages that are over but the things that are yet to come. I look forward to when my baby is more independent, going to school and coming home telling me about his day. At present I am just appreciating every moment, for example he has been calling me mama and crawling up to me every morning for a hug which is sweet. 4 months is still very little, it's only going to get more fun.

I’m so so so sorry for your loss. And you still give me a beautiful reply.. you are a great person.

OP posts:

FionnulaTheCooler · 23/07/2021 13:02

I remember feeling a similar way, OP. I cried when it was time to box away all the tiny 0-3 months baby clothes because it was the end of the precious newborn stage. It definitely passes, my child is almost 11 now and I look at parents pushing prams and lugging tons of baby paraphernalia everywhere, or wrangling unruly toddlers in restaurants and think thank fuck that's all behind me .

SemiFeralDalek · 23/07/2021 13:03

@RobinPenguins

It's the whole "a daughters a daughter for all of your life, but your sons only yours until he gets a wife" or whatever that shit is.

Stereotypical bollocks then. Thought so.

I'm not disagreeing with you. It's stereotypical, and it's bollocks. But it does happen, frequently, and when my DS was a tiny baby, and someone said it to me, it would make my heart ache

Skybluepinkgiraffe · 23/07/2021 13:16

@Newmama93

www.google.com.au/amp/s/www.mamamia.com.au/mia-freedman-family/amp/

This is the article!!! Please mums read and tell me if it’s how you feel

No, not really. I still think it's designed to pull on the heart strings. I honestly enjoyed every stage my children went through. But I kept my own interests too. There's a lot to be said for not living your life through your children. If you are feeling so distraught, I'd highly recommend a chat with your HV. You really need to be enjoying your little boy and not fretting the time away

LegoLady95 · 23/07/2021 13:21

Kindly, try having a 14 year old with the brain of a toddler who will need care his whole life. Sounds like your dream doesn't it? Thought not.

IamMaz · 23/07/2021 13:22

My son is 29 and is very caring. Not only to me but to others. I am so proud of him and that grows with each passing year.
I used feel sad about him growing up - but in reality it's hard to put a finger on exactly when that happened!
He'll ALWAYS be your son. Enjoy it.

LegoLady95 · 23/07/2021 13:23

I would love to see my son grow up an become independent, but I never will.

Monoxide · 23/07/2021 13:36

Sorry but that article is self centred bollocks. Girls are no different to boys. And it’s talking as if it’s a good thing for you to be the centre of your child’s world, and a sad thing when you no longer are. The only time you should be the centre of your child’s world is when you’re pregnant. After that they have family and friends, nursery and school, and you should have an identity and life beyond just being their mum. I’m not a mother - I’m a person who happens to be a mother. And I still say that this longing to be needed by your child is a sign that you’re overly invested in the identity of being a mother and you don’t have a life of your own.

Ducksurprise · 23/07/2021 13:45

It's fleeting, like a saw a little toddler splashing at the beach and I had a wave of emotion as I miss my babies. But then equally I'm grateful that I didn't have to sort the tired toddler out!

Lavender24 · 23/07/2021 14:03

Don't worry OP I've dated too many adult men who were still firmly tied to their mother's apron strings.

SockQueen · 23/07/2021 14:10

@Newmama93

www.google.com.au/amp/s/www.mamamia.com.au/mia-freedman-family/amp/

This is the article!!! Please mums read and tell me if it’s how you feel

Mildly hysterical bollocks.

I do get wanting to be there for her son when in hospital - my now DH had cancer aged 25, and I know his mum found it really hard that she couldn't be there for him going through chemo (he was living with me, in London, PiL are in the East Midlands). But to want to spend the night in hospital with him? Bit mad. It's not healthy to have your children as such an obsession.

I have two pre-school DSs. I get a bit wistful thinking about them growing up - DS1 is starting school in September so that'll be a big change - but each step is a change, not a bereavement. I'm a bit sad I'll never snuggle my newborns again, but not sad to no longer be woken 5 times a night etc. They are growing into their own little people and it's my job to support their independence while making sure they always feel able to come back.

Livpool · 23/07/2021 14:24

My DS is 5 and this is my favourite age so far as he is very cuddly and loving but also independent and happy to make friends. But he will change again.
Not sure why a boy would be different than a girl though.

I think it probably is your OCD so go easy on yourself

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 23/07/2021 14:30

Bless you op , Its all very new to you he's only little at 4 months
I remember times when ds was a toddler and I was thinking " please be 16 " ! Haha

VienneseWhirligig · 23/07/2021 14:30

I really enjoyed DS as a baby, but he's an adult now and still chooses to hang out with me and holiday with me. It's just us at home now - DH died and his older brothers left home years ago - and he's great company. I think he thinks I don't want him to move out because I would be lonely, but I have really enjoyed seeing him grow up and become independent, so leaving home is the logical next step. No sadness, just pride and happiness that he is a confident, content man.

Penistoe · 23/07/2021 14:41

4-6 months is a bit of a golden era with babies (obv not for all). But in general they will be much more settled but don’t yet crawl away so you can relax a little more. I remember spending so much time just watching my two sleep at this age. Once they start moving about more there are other joys but it can be quite exhausting. My favourite age for my Dd was when she was about 5- I could reason with her and she wouldn’t dart of when we went on trips, I do miss this. But as they grow you do start getting you back a bit more. There are highs and lows at all stages but you have lots to look forward to.

You are only young and probably still recovering after childbirth both mentally and physically so give yourself a break. Becoming a parent changes you so much. It is common to cry or be scared about things that would never previously bother you.

Roselilly36 · 23/07/2021 14:51

Aww OP try not to worry. My two DS’ are adults now 20 & 18, they are still very loving to me, and want my help now & then. You will always be mum, however old your children are. Enjoy the moment, they grow up so quick.

HoppingPavlova · 23/07/2021 15:55

I guess it just hits hard that one day he’ll have his own family I won’t be a part of. It just hurt to read that you grieve the little versions of them and it feels like they are gone. I seriously cannot stop crying I know this is insane. I can’t eat .. nothing. I think I might have PPA

None of this is remotely normal, you need to go see the GP and describe how you are feeling to them so that you can be assisted.

On a lighter note, I wouldn’t worry, given house prices you will never lose them. Mine are adults and I still can’t shake the buggers.

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