Baby growing up sadness

[Newmama93]

Ok this might seem ridiculous, I do have ocd so I’m not sure if I’m going through normal Mum stuff or if it’s a new ocd obsession starting.

I read an article about how being a boy mum feels like the slowest heart break you’ll ever go through as they age, it has me balling my eyes out. I’ve cried for three days straight now and can’t seem to get a fu*cking grip!!! Something has come over me and I can’t shake it, I can’t stop thinking wow it’ll be so sad when he’s grown and I’m not his world anymore, he adores me so much now and then as a teen he won’t and I’m going to have to go through losing that little person that once looked at me like their whole universe. I know I am lucky to have my child I know this and I know it may sound selfish but it’s how I feel and I can’t shake it. That article tore me apart and now I can’t even be happy playing with my baby because it just makes me cry that he won’t be this little soon and it’ll all be a distant memory and I can never get it back. I’m 23 with a 4 month old. Please help

I am not trying to invalidate your feelings at all, butjust to explain my thinking. I never really get that sadness about my babies getting bigger or growing up because the alternative to me is so awful that I can't even go there mentally. The thought of never seeing them grow and develop, their teenage years, wedding day, possible children, what sort of people they will become etc etc is too much for me to even flirt with. Another day with my children getting older each day is a huge blessing in my book. The only time I felt reminiscent about the baby period was actual broodiness for another baby. Again, not trying to guilt you or shame you into changing your perspective, just sharing my feelings. I want my children to have long, happy, healthy lives (not saying you don't!) and that desire is so strong in me that it really shapes my perspective on how I view their development.

What happens is they become teens and become arseholes so then you don't mind them moving out and by the time they are having their own family you are just so pleased they are through the otherside that you just enjoy the new them.

Saying that I do and always will mourn for them when they were tiny. For me that time was the best time of my life.

@Ducksurprise

What happens is they become teens and become arseholes so then you don't mind them moving out and by the time they are having their own family you are just so pleased they are through the otherside that you just enjoy the new them.

Saying that I do and always will mourn for them when they were tiny. For me that time was the best time of my life.

Do you mourn all day or is it more like a fleeting feeling here and there amd you overall have a happy life?

Well my two are now 22 and 19.
DD1, currently lying next to me on the sofa with her feet on my lap as we deal with her ear-wax. DD2 curled up on the arm-chair watching Love Island best bits on you tube and giggling to herself.
We are talking about DD 1's new job, starting Monday, and how to arrange WiFi for DD 2's new flat.
I can assure you OP, they NEVER stop needing you, and though the relationship changes it is more of a slow revelation than a loss.

I guess it’s just I don’t want to grieve the baby days and feel a sense of mourning and loss.. I wanted to know if this is normal like the person described. This is reassuring thank you. I’m sure when he’s grown and other babies I have are grown I’ll feel more ready it’s just sad thinking he won’t be a baby much longer because it is so sweet and cute and makes me
Beyond happy when I’m not crying about him growing haha

The whole point of being a parent is to make the role redundant, launching adequately capable young people into the world.

So much this.

One of my DC is unlikely to be able to live a wholly independent life and I'm loving that he is growing and developing because every bit of progress equates to a little more independence. That's true for all four of my DC too. Babies are lovely and ill always have a wistful little pang for those chubby legs and gummy smiles but just wait, OP, until you can have a full on conversation with your DC where they come out with ideas and opinions that never even occurred to you or until you can laugh until you hurt over a shared joke and it becomes a family in-joke or they do/say something that becomes a story of family legend. Parenting is the ultimate long game, I promise there'll be lots of good stages still to come.

And yes, teenagers are Mother Nature's way of making sure you don't miss them too much when they do fly the nest.

I have found that when each stage happens I am ready for it. My almost 5 year old is bigger, funnier and in lots of ways, cuter than he was when he was a tiny baby. He needs me loads still, but I have my own space too. I used to worry a lot about him growing up and not needing me anymore, but it honestly feels like a long way off now.
Imagine being able to have a conversation with your boy, hear his thoughts on life, have your own experience enhanced by this new person. The best is yet to come xxxx

I read an article about boys growing up. The piece was so moving, along the lines of a little boys love for his mother receding in his mind like the memories of a long remembered fairy tale, always there but not in the forefront of a grown mans thinking.
However my DH is close and caring to his DM, and I am about to go out to celebrate my DS's graduation with the family and his lovely girlfriend.
To think I was one of those MNetters who thought I only wanted girls. My DD's are wonderful but DS is the cuddliest (even at six foot five!).

It's the hormones, OP! If it hadn't been that article, it would have been something else that set you off. Honestly, some of the things that made me cry and obsess (including the same issue as you) when I was in the early weeks and months of my (4) babies!

If you accept that your hormones are the culprit here and not the rational part of your brain, perhaps it will help you to work through it? Also, as a mother of 4 of varying ages, including a 6m old baby, I can tell you the same as others have said.... There is no moment when you suddenly leave the baby stage beind. They change in tiny amounts with each day and you will never notice going from one age to the next. And each stage seems more wonderful than the previous one while you're in it! I thought it couldn't get more wonderful than a tiny, cuddly baby. But as a PP said, wait until your DC can come running to you with arms outstretched, calling you mummy and telling you he loves you.

Also, i often hear it said that it's when they're teenagers that they need you the most.

I adore the baby stage and thought I'd mourn it with each child, but the truth is, they remain the same wonderful person as they grow, and they are all still my babies even as they get older. In fact, my oldest child is the one I feel needs me the most as they begin to experience the highs and lows of living as an older child.

If it helps @Newmama93 my 28 yr old (baby )boy has just come home for his summer holidays and I’m still extremely important to him .

I am a mum of 2 DS, both late teens. In the nicest possible way please get yourself some serious help before you start to impinge on his life. You cried for 3 days straight over an article? That is not normal.

@Newmama93

To be honest this is really helpful and I need to be told To get a grip

I think of it like this: Yes it’s sad, but some parents have children with additional needs who never ‘grow up’ some children will never be independent or lead independent lives. Be thankful that each year he grows and develops and needs you that but less, because that it what humans are meant to do. You wouldn’t want him to be needing full support at 15, trust me. He is 4 months. Barely started. Enjoy every age and stage as it goes. The hardest most frustrating but also most joyous and rewarding thing of your life.

If it helps at all @Newmama93, my lovely boys are 27, 26 and 23. I'm still their go-to person in good times and bad, they adore me and I them. None of them are in long term relationships, it will no doubt change when they are, but they have a very strong and close bond with DH and I, and we still love spending time together as a family. I'm going to have to make sure I'm a really nice mother in law when the time comes

I would suggest calling your GP and describing how you feel as it may be PPA or PPD.

@TillyTopper

I am a mum of 2 DS, both late teens. In the nicest possible way please get yourself some serious help before you start to impinge on his life. You cried for 3 days straight over an article? That is not normal.

I have ocd.. you clearly don’t know what that’s like. Thanks bye

@DramaAlpaca

If it helps at all *@Newmama93*, my lovely boys are 27, 26 and 23. I'm still their go-to person in good times and bad, they adore me and I them. None of them are in long term relationships, it will no doubt change when they are, but they have a very strong and close bond with DH and I, and we still love spending time together as a family. I'm going to have to make sure I'm a really nice mother in law when the time comes

Love this!!! Thank you

This may not be helpful, but my 31yr old came home again recently after a job loss, my 29yr old is at home too at the moment. I miss them being little sometimes (and yes, I did cry about it occasionally) but they are amazing men too, and the love you feel for him now will still be there when he's taller than you! I have adult DDs too, and feel the same about them, btw.

My friend is like that with her first. Crying over every milestone. She has had her second now and doesn't seem too bad with him.

My Dc is 7 and I never thought about it in their early years. However now they are so independent although still need me I have suddenly noticed how much they had grown and I have been so emotional about it and keep hugging them. I always say to them no matter what age you are your always my baby and they laugh.

Does it consume you though and make you really sad when you’re around them?

I felt like this when my first was tiny. I remember rocking her in my arms and feeding her to sleep when she was about 3 months and just tears rolling down my face about how perfect and tiny she was and how quick time was going!

She’s 2.5 now, and I promise you, they just get better and better. Today she wrapped her chubby little arms around me and told me she loves me more than doughnuts and kissed attacked my face. Although sometimes I miss the tiny stage, there has been nothing better in the world than watching her grow and develop and become this amazing little person and now I’m actually excited when I think about the future and how I get to be a part of that and watch her develop for many years to come. Your baby is still very little, it’s normal to be emotional about these things

Why is it any different for mothers of boys to mothers of girls?

A few pangs and longings sounds quite normal. Crying and being unable to enjoy life is not.

It sounds like a very silly article designed to hit mums right in the emotions @Newmama93
Don't forget all your new baby hormones designed to keep you looking after your precious little one are all flowing about doing what they do.
I have adult sons. They are wonderful. The trick is to listen to all the inane chatter when they are small, and allow them their independence little by little as they grow. That way you'll retain a good relationship and you can be a soft place to land as they start to spread their wings
All this applies to daughters too!
The bumpy teenage years are in part designed to help you detach from them. And then you reattach in a more adult way.
I am so, so proud of having independent yet loving adult children (of both sexes)
You sound like a lovely mummy

My 14 year old DS is still very close to me, and soppy, and will hug me all the time. My daughter is leaving primary school today. Yes, you get pags and I long to have one more day back when they were little, but having older kids comes very gradually and they do still need you when they're older. At 4 months you have your son's whole childhood ahead of you and it's an exciting ride. As an adult he will still need you.

*pangs (not pags!)