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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask for more money?

99 replies

somuchsun · 23/07/2021 08:47

I have a DD14 with my ex. He pays me £170 a month. He doesn't help with school uniform, school trips, school equipment, school dinner money, extra curricular costs, haircuts. Doesn't take her on holiday. Has her 4 over nights each month, sometimes 3, and 2 dinners.

My DD eats me out of house and home, and is starting to need things bought for school as doing GCSE's. I'm basically running out of money each month and having to ask my parents to help out with the purchase of some things for her. They are more than happy to but have said I should be asking my ex (I think he'll say no).

Me and my ex both work full time. He lives with his wife and her child, it's just me and my DD here.

Would I be unreasonable to ask him to help out more, or should I accept that the £170 I get from him is enough?

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 23/07/2021 08:50

Of course YANBU but in my limited experience if a man has to be asked to provide adequately for his child then he’s not a nice person so easily could refuse.

Couldhavebeenme2 · 23/07/2021 09:02

Any idea what his salary is? Have a look on the cms calculator to see if £170 is close to what he should be contributing.

freelions · 23/07/2021 09:06

Assuming he is not on minimum wage then £170 a month seems very low, especially as he does not have other DC

How was the £170 agreed?

lastcall · 23/07/2021 09:13

Sent him a list of all the 'extras' your/his child will need to succeed at GCSE years and ask him to contribute more towards it.

£170 per months isn't a lot.

Original poster
somuchsun · 23/07/2021 09:31

@Couldhavebeenme2 At a guess I'd say he's an approx the same salary as me.

@freelions It's been £170 for as long as I can remember. It's what he offered to pay when we separated.

OP posts:
Giotto479 · 23/07/2021 09:34

I tend to agree with @Merryoldgoat
He’s unlikely to provide for her willingly, you should pursue via CMS.

BillMasen · 23/07/2021 09:34

Pop what he earns into the cms calculator online. That’ll tell you what he should pay. Without that no one can say whether 170 is enough or not

NoSquirrels · 23/07/2021 09:35

Let him know you need more money. Sounds like you’ve never had a proper discussion over the years if you don’t know his salary.

Or go through the CMS.

jelly79 · 23/07/2021 09:38

I'd go on the CMS calculator and see what he should be paying. Then have a conversation with him knowing this amount. Be assertive with him and good luck x

Original poster
somuchsun · 23/07/2021 09:41

The trouble is id only be guessing his salary if I went on the calculator. I asked him what his salary was last year and I tried having this conversation then, and he wouldn't tell me.

OP posts:
knittingaddict · 23/07/2021 09:47

What job does he do?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 23/07/2021 09:48

His £170 plus your £170 and child benefit is about £420 a month. If it’s not covering food, clothes and school items you could have an adult conversation with him.

ThatOtherPoster · 23/07/2021 09:52

Open a case with CMS. They can obtain his salary and start claiming what he should be paying. Do it ASAP as they can’t backdate.

Couldhavebeenme2 · 23/07/2021 09:53

It's literally taken me 60 seconds to do the following calculation on the cms calculator page -

Salary £1600 gross per month
2 Overnight stays per week
1x child with you, no others

£165 cms obligation per month.

If he earns more or has the dc fewer nights it will increase, if he has more dc that he lives with it would decrease.

What's your ballpark estimation of his salary op?

(my ex refused to have a proper conversation about his contribution for 6 years, I went to cms as I needed to prove my income for a mortgage application - turned out he'd had a HUGE pay rise and his contribution nearly trebled)

Do your sums op, then go via cms. Annual review and you don't need to worry about it again.

Merryoldgoat · 23/07/2021 09:54

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

His £170 plus your £170 and child benefit is about £420 a month. If it’s not covering food, clothes and school items you could have an adult conversation with him.
In what world is child benefit £170 for one child?
AnneLovesGilbert · 23/07/2021 09:54

@ThatOtherPoster

Open a case with CMS. They can obtain his salary and start claiming what he should be paying. Do it ASAP as they can’t backdate.
Yep
SprayedWithDettol · 23/07/2021 09:55

I would start claiming via cms

Couldhavebeenme2 · 23/07/2021 09:56

*£1600 is just over minimum wage for 30 hours a week. If you think he's earning more than that then cms all the way.

Couldhavebeenme2 · 23/07/2021 09:58

@somuchsun

The trouble is id only be guessing his salary if I went on the calculator. I asked him what his salary was last year and I tried having this conversation then, and he wouldn't tell me.
He wouldn't tell you because it's way more than you think, and he knows he should be contributing more.
cochineal7 · 23/07/2021 10:02

@Merryoldgoat She means 170 contribution father, equal 170 contribution mother (assume here on similar salary as OP suggests), plus approx 80 child benefit = 420.

AhNowTed · 23/07/2021 10:02

So his entire parental contribution is a poxy £5.59 a day!!

I spend not much less on my cat.

TheRosesAreInBloom · 23/07/2021 10:03

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss
His £170 plus your £170 and child benefit is about £420 a month. If it’s not covering food, clothes and school items you could have an adult conversation with him.
In what world is child benefit £170 for one child?

I take this as £340 parental contributions and the balance of £80 being the child benefit.

CliftonGreenYork · 23/07/2021 10:04

@Couldhavebeenme2

*£1600 is just over minimum wage for 30 hours a week. If you think he's earning more than that then cms all the way.
Minimum wage is £8.72 X 37 hours a week is under £1400 a month. Not sure where you are getting your figures from?
Lorw · 23/07/2021 10:05

Go to CMS, just make sure it ‘roughly’ won’t bite you and he would end up paying less. Also as he lives with her DD, wont she be taken into account for CMS calculations even though she isn’t his?

TheRosesAreInBloom · 23/07/2021 10:05

Sorry….meant to tag Merry not Icecream in my post above 🙄

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