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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ask for more money?

99 replies

somuchsun · 23/07/2021 08:47

I have a DD14 with my ex. He pays me £170 a month. He doesn't help with school uniform, school trips, school equipment, school dinner money, extra curricular costs, haircuts. Doesn't take her on holiday. Has her 4 over nights each month, sometimes 3, and 2 dinners.

My DD eats me out of house and home, and is starting to need things bought for school as doing GCSE's. I'm basically running out of money each month and having to ask my parents to help out with the purchase of some things for her. They are more than happy to but have said I should be asking my ex (I think he'll say no).

Me and my ex both work full time. He lives with his wife and her child, it's just me and my DD here.

Would I be unreasonable to ask him to help out more, or should I accept that the £170 I get from him is enough?

OP posts:

ivykaty44 · 23/07/2021 13:00

Why dont you ask your daughter to ask him?

Sorry but putting a child in this position isn’t in my opinion a good idea for many reasons

Tistheseason17 · 23/07/2021 13:06

He's employed. History of earnings easily proven. Open case.

WasThisSexist · 23/07/2021 13:12

Is he an electrician OP? Totaljobs puts the average electrician’s salary at £32K: www.totaljobs.com/salary-checker/average-electrician-salary

If you can do a rough estimate of his salary to make sure you won’t end up receiving less, will you feel safer going to CMS?

I agree with PP that him not wanting to disclose his salary suggests it’s more then you think.

hangsangwitch · 23/07/2021 13:14

What kind of a pathetic man doesn't see fit to even round it up to £50 a week?

ClawedButler · 23/07/2021 13:58

@hangsangwitch the kind of man who thinks he's giving this money to his ex, not to his child.

rishisboater · 23/07/2021 14:19

If you ask for £50 and he agrees you'll have to be grateful and it might still be below what he's meant to be paying. Go to cms, make it official, otherwise you'll be relying on his good grace every time

Couldhavebeenme2 · 23/07/2021 15:04

OP - should I ask ex to increase his financial contribution (that is minimal anyway, and hasn't increased for 10 years) to his dc so I don't have to keep scrounging off my parents (who are getting a bit pissed off with it)?
All of MN - Yes op, ask him or contact CMS
OP - But but but....

Original poster

somuchsun · 23/07/2021 15:14

@Couldhavebeenme2 Not sure that's exactly what I've said

OP posts:

Essentialironingwater · 23/07/2021 15:39

I was in a similar situation (though ex amiable and did pay for lots), turned out he was on a very healthy wage and CMS calculated he owed me £1300 a month. He wasn't best pleased but to his credit he's not missed a payment!

Essentialironingwater · 23/07/2021 15:40

I should add he was paying £200 a month ...

Couldhavebeenme2 · 23/07/2021 15:41

@somuchsun so, as pp have asked, how much do you think he earns? Have you done a 60 second cms calculation?

I'd be pissed off if my dd kept asking for financial support for her dc (although I'd always help if I could) rather than ask for a realistic review of the situation with the ex, or even taking the most basic steps to make an estimate of how much he could/should be contributing.

It is his financial and moral duty to support his kids, not your parents'.

Almost every single poster has suggested making an educated guess and running it through the calculator.

Original poster

somuchsun · 23/07/2021 16:02

@Couldhavebeenme2 I literally don't know what he earns. He wouldn't tell me when I asked. I could guess roughly the same as me but I could be entirely wrong. I've not been asking my parents to help, my DD has mentioned needing the odd thing for school and they've just gone ahead and bought it. My ex never has DD extra if I ask either. I've just had enough of pretty much doing it all on my own!

OP posts:

Couldhavebeenme2 · 23/07/2021 16:05

So, is your salary close to £22,200? If less (and you assume his is the same), let it go. If more then stick it through the calculator and apply through cms

What is your salary op?

VestaTilley · 23/07/2021 16:12

Definitely ask him for more, but when you do show him an itemized list of all the things you spend on her inc food over two months, so he can see just how much it costs. Take him to court if you can afford to. £170 won’t go far, and he should pay more unless he’s very low waged.

Derbee · 23/07/2021 16:34

If he’s the sort of person who isn’t adequately providing for his child, you can be pretty sure he offered you £170 as it’s less than CMS would have awarded.

Years later, his salary must have increased. Go through CMS

KatherineSiena · 23/07/2021 16:45

OP you say in the opening post that you are “having to ask my parents to help”. They themselves don’t mind helping but feel it is your ex’s responsibility to step up and they are right.

You either need to bite the bullet and ask him how much he earns or to pay more or go to CMS. Obviously he’s been a bit cagey as you asked before so the chances are his salary has increased. I’d go straight to CMS personally.

kgov1 · 23/07/2021 16:51

I would ask him politely for more and explain why you need it. If he refuses I would just say casually than you are going to run it past CMS as you are struggling and need to know if you are entitled to more as your daughter is missing out.

nocutsnobuttsnococonuts · 23/07/2021 17:12

I cant pretend to know anything about this situation and it must be awful having to ask your parents for help as he won't willingly offer it for his daughter. If he won't agree to tell you his income or you don't want to ask for more money monthly, Could you come to an agreement that he pays for certain items or gives half for them as an addition to the money he gives you? Like school uniform, school supplies, school trips, pocket money. Then he contributes to the necessities without the need to give you extra. He is then paying directly for things for his daughter. He can't really argue with that as he is seeing exactly where the money is going.

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 23/07/2021 17:14

Can his parents help?

SleepingStandingUp · 23/07/2021 17:20

Ok so 1 child, equ to 1 or 2 sleepovers a week, one child in his home, paying £170 a month would be around 23k pa.

Duchess379 · 23/07/2021 17:37

I've just calculated he's paying £5.60 a day for his child. Ask for more money, if he says no threaten him with the CSA...

Marmitemarinaded · 23/07/2021 18:30

@Duchess379

I've just calculated he's paying £5.60 a day for his child. Ask for more money, if he says no threaten him with the CSA...

Irrelevant

All about his earnings

It could well be possible that it would be well below that figure you have calculate if CMS calculated.

However given he “offered” the figure years ago, I reckon he’s going to get quite a shock to the system

Couldhavebeenme2 · 25/07/2021 11:46

@IWentAwayIStayedAway

Can his parents help?

Can't HE help? It's his dc ffs, op should at least ask, or make a best estimate guess at his salary and run it through the calculator. Which despite so many posts advising her to do so, she has not done.

In which case her parents are going to continue to be pissed off at being expected to stump up for what the dcs dad should be paying for.

But yeah, ask the other grandparents to sub their son too. At least they'll have an idea of how little their son is contributing and maybe shame him into stepping up.

Or, you know, cms?

LagunaBubbles · 25/07/2021 11:52

Its hard to say because whilst you say you thinks he earns the same as you, you haven't said what that is.

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