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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask for more money?

99 replies

somuchsun · 23/07/2021 08:47

I have a DD14 with my ex. He pays me £170 a month. He doesn't help with school uniform, school trips, school equipment, school dinner money, extra curricular costs, haircuts. Doesn't take her on holiday. Has her 4 over nights each month, sometimes 3, and 2 dinners.

My DD eats me out of house and home, and is starting to need things bought for school as doing GCSE's. I'm basically running out of money each month and having to ask my parents to help out with the purchase of some things for her. They are more than happy to but have said I should be asking my ex (I think he'll say no).

Me and my ex both work full time. He lives with his wife and her child, it's just me and my DD here.

Would I be unreasonable to ask him to help out more, or should I accept that the £170 I get from him is enough?

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 23/07/2021 10:05

It depends dntirely on how much hd earns. For some folk it's a pittance but on a low wage it's quite a lot. You just havr to cut back if you don't want to ask your parents or he can't afford more.

JaffaRaf · 23/07/2021 10:09

I think regardless of weather he earns lots or not you should ask him for more money if you need it. Who cares if CMS calculator thinks he doesn’t need to pay more? It’s his child, if you need more money for your child’s essentials then just ask him. Obviously if he says no there isn’t much you can do if his income is very low, but if you don’t ask you don’t get.

Couldhavebeenme2 · 23/07/2021 10:11

@CliftonGreenYork typo, should have been 40 hours per week @£8.91 minimum wage =£1544 pcm.

OP if you believe he earns any more, then cms.

FawnFrenchieMum · 23/07/2021 10:16

I wouldnt rush to the CMS, you might end up having no money for months while they sort out your claim. Rather then asking him what he earns, have a rational conversation about with him prepared with a list of extra things your daughter has needed recently and ask if he can help contribute, explaining your currently having to go to your parents.

Don't over inflate things as that just gets peoples back up, DH ex used to message and say, school uniform is going to be £500 plus, I want £250 by Friday. That just wasn't reasonable at all. We would have to say, we will buy 2 jumpers, the football boots and a PE hoodie before she returns to school in September sort of thing. We could then budget for those accordingly rather then find £250 cash with a few days notice.

Merryoldgoat · 23/07/2021 10:17

Sorry - I misread!

Couldhavebeenme2 · 23/07/2021 10:19

OK, recalculation assuming 4 overnights per month and he lives with his wife's dc.

Monthly salary £1850 (£22200pa) gives a cms figure of £170 roughly.

Still think he's being fair?

HugeAckmansWife · 23/07/2021 10:22

He has her 4 nights a month, not 2 per week. OP this is really simple, open a case with CMS. It costs £20. Assuming he agrees to cooperate and pay you direct that's it. If he doesn't and they have to collect it costs him 20% more and you lose 4%. For your own interest I'd keep a really stringent account for a couple of months of what your DD costs directly.. Don't include mortgage / rent or utility as you'd have those anyway. I did this to prove to my ex that even him paying the cms amount I'm still covering more than 2/3 of the costs.

knittingaddict · 23/07/2021 10:26

In what world is child benefit £170 for one child?

I think that person was saying that the coasts should be shared, so if he paid £170 then so should the op and child benefit was on top of that. Being a bit of an arse actually because the op has the children for far, far more time than the ex does.

lockdownalli · 23/07/2021 10:26

Unfortunately if you don't know what he earns you will have to open a CMS case.

ClawedButler · 23/07/2021 10:27

Men like this actually take pride in how little child support they can get away with paying.

knittingaddict · 23/07/2021 10:28

Sorry, costs not coasts.

megletthesecond · 23/07/2021 10:30

Yanbu.
If he won't tell you what he earns the CSA can do it. (I can't remember what their new name is even though I use them).

IcedSpice · 23/07/2021 10:31

you're old enough to have a child, you're old enough to ask for some more money if you think you need it

I'm basically running out of money each month and having to ask my parents to help out with the purchase of some things for her. They are more than happy to but have said I should be asking my ex (I think he'll say no).

If you need it for her, then why not - if he says no, go through CMS or whatever it is called

PrettyLittleFlies · 23/07/2021 10:32

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

His £170 plus your £170 and child benefit is about £420 a month. If it’s not covering food, clothes and school items you could have an adult conversation with him.
And accommodation
billiebeeme · 23/07/2021 10:35

I think you'll know what to do by his reaction. If he doesn't want to pay more then I would say you are thinking of going through cms. If he suddenly goes ok I'll give you £180 for example chances are he knows he should be paying you a lot more.

If you do go through cms though you might end up with less.

I would also take him through everything you spend on her, he maybe doesn't realise given he hardly has her.

PrettyLittleFlies · 23/07/2021 10:38

Don't include mortgage / rent or utility as you'd have those anyway. I did this to prove to my ex that even him paying the cms amount I'm still covering more than 2/3 of the costs.

Of course you need to include accommodation costs. If the OP did not have to accommodate her child, she could live in a smaller and cheaper home. And her utilities would be less.

Fiddliestofsticks · 23/07/2021 10:41

Why haven't you gone through CMS?

You've brought this on yourself for being so naive. CMS exist. Very easy to phone. Very easy to open a case. I don't understand why you're taking money from your parent's when you have a very simple solution here.

travailtotravel · 23/07/2021 10:44

If you are not already paying via CMS its time to have an adult conversation about £170 not being enough, and showing the costs involved. He can either voluntarily agree this with you, or you can go to CMS who will fairly make sure he is making a contribution to his child. His choice but this is about the best for your child.

He might want to increase the time he spends with her to reduce the amount he pays, which is one solution I guess ...

HugeAckmansWife · 23/07/2021 10:44

See I don't really agree entirely with that. My ex only has the kids occasionally but they need a room / rooms that stand empty most of the time. I suppose you can factor in a % of it as I need to be near schools, have a decent garden etc which he doesn't and utilities, again, maybe a % but not a lot. I don't think my utilities would massively decrease if they weren't here. Dont get me wrong, it incenses me that nrps rarely come close to covering 50% of the cost and do very little of the day to day parenting, plus they don't have to juggle work / childcare etc but if my kids went to live with him, I'd still need. 3 bed house.

KatherineSiena · 23/07/2021 10:51

I know it must be difficult OP asking him for money especially if he’s a tricky man but you’re not reluctant to ask your parents are you? Your parents are right it’s not down to them to be supporting their DGC when their own father doesn’t. I’m sure they wouldn’t let her go without but I don’t think you’re being fair to them here.

Unless they have a bottomless pit of money you asking them for money for essentials might mean they have less to spend on treats/gifts for their DGD and other things they might choose to do with their money.

If you think your ex won’t cough up voluntarily or tell you how much he’s earning (wonder why) then go straight to CMS.

Terhou · 23/07/2021 10:52

@somuchsun

The trouble is id only be guessing his salary if I went on the calculator. I asked him what his salary was last year and I tried having this conversation then, and he wouldn't tell me.
It's still worth trying the calculation on the basis of your estimate that his salary is similar to yours. If it looks worth pursuing, CMS will be able to find out the actual figures.
PrettyLittleFlies · 23/07/2021 10:52

@HugeAckmansWife

See I don't really agree entirely with that. My ex only has the kids occasionally but they need a room / rooms that stand empty most of the time. I suppose you can factor in a % of it as I need to be near schools, have a decent garden etc which he doesn't and utilities, again, maybe a % but not a lot. I don't think my utilities would massively decrease if they weren't here. Dont get me wrong, it incenses me that nrps rarely come close to covering 50% of the cost and do very little of the day to day parenting, plus they don't have to juggle work / childcare etc but if my kids went to live with him, I'd still need. 3 bed house.
Whether you agree with that or not is beside the point. It is a cost that is taken into account.
ArnoldBee · 23/07/2021 10:53

So as others have said if you go through cms you could end up with less. How much more are you actually wanting? In our house we are quite frugal so £170 would go a long way but that's not the same for everyone.

fabulousathome · 23/07/2021 10:58

How many years has he paid £170 for? There's inflation and any wage increases he might have had to consider too.

Marmitemarinaded · 23/07/2021 11:03

You don’t know what he earns

He “offered” to pay £170 years ago

Come on OP. You need to woman yo. This is financial. You need to know how much in order to calculate the minimum requirement. End of.

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