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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Exam Results Day - being there for DD or car repairs?!!

108 replies

Verymuddymummy · 22/07/2021 21:49

Doing the usual silent treatment with each other as DH wants to drive about an hour away for car repairs on exam results day. Both of us have taken the day off to be there for DD but now he wants to use the afternoon to have non-essential car repairs done. I think DD will be hurt when she finds out. She’s already well aware she’s not DH’s favourite child. All very jokey but actually uncomfortably close to the truth. Could make more of a fuss but there’s a slim possibility that DD will end up wanting to spend the afternoon with her friends - I’d understand and wouldn’t have an issue but fallout from DH will be bad if that happens - ugh!! Advice please - is DH being a bit rubbish or AIBU?

OP posts:
CorianderBee · 23/07/2021 00:34

Then again, maybe I'm wrong actually. Writing this and thinking back I've realised I've never failed. And that's... terrifying to me. I guess that's coming up at some point. Sorry, perhaps I defended too soon and you're right.

ClumpingBambooIsALie · 23/07/2021 00:36

This is my point, though, parents need to be careful when they have a kid for whom stellar results are apparently a "foregone conclusion". For me personally the pressure came from inside and the attitudes of peers and teachers, not parents, but it's the same principle.

As it turned out I went mental and ended up in the loony bin rather than a fancy university, but that's by the by.

ClumpingBambooIsALie · 23/07/2021 00:37

@CorianderBee

Then again, maybe I'm wrong actually. Writing this and thinking back I've realised I've never failed. And that's... terrifying to me. I guess that's coming up at some point. Sorry, perhaps I defended too soon and you're right.
Yep it's terrifying Flowers
CorianderBee · 23/07/2021 00:43

@ClumpingBambooIsALie it really is. This just taught me a really big lesson about myself. And about why my sister isn't doing so well. She's told me about the impact of the pressure before and I've listened but never understood.

Now I'm just realising that this is why I feel like I'm never enough especially in my career (which is pretty successful at 26). I'm constantly comparing.

My step brothers got to fail all the time. Drop out. Quit. And they're so happy. That was never an option for us girls.

Fuck. Well, I guess I know what not to do with my kids.

CorianderBee · 23/07/2021 00:44

@ClumpingBambooIsALie sorry for reacting without thinking

ClumpingBambooIsALie · 23/07/2021 00:45

I don't have any, thank God… I don't think I could take the pressure of having to try not to fuck them up 😂

ClumpingBambooIsALie · 23/07/2021 00:47

No need for apologies, it's an interesting conversation… feels almost like there's no real way to "get it right" when it comes to kids and academics.

MrsEricBana · 23/07/2021 00:53

I'd say you are very well advised to have the day off for A level results as contesting odd results, going through clearing or adjustment etc could well happen, or just celebrating with them.

CorianderBee · 23/07/2021 00:53

@ClumpingBambooIsALie I think there is. DP is very many times more successful than me, wonderfully social, knows when to limit his booze, exercise, eat properly (he's quite annoyingly efficient).

His parents are very... aloof. So maybe it was luck. But they kinda just let him get on with it while also offering advice. Not sure I'm capable of that though tbh. I'm inherently interested.

Headsinsand · 23/07/2021 02:22

I think England need to get into the current technology age. Kids in Scotland can get them posted, texted or emailed to them as they choose - absolutely no requirement to traipse into school for results unless they want to discuss appeals (which can also be done online or over the phone).
N5 results I spent driving around at 9am trying to get a phone signal for my daughter when we were on holiday in the backend of nowhere Scotland. Higher results she sent me a screenshot when she finally woke up around noon and checked her email and Advanced Higher results she was out with her mates and sent me a screenshot of her text once she got it.

Your kids results aren't about you. If she wants you there that's one thing, if you're hovering like a helicopter when she wants to be with her mates then let her.

Your husband preferring your other child(ren) is a whole other issue and its really pretty disgusting you've allowed it to go on all through her childhood 'til now. That will do far more to damage her self esteem than whether or not you (or he) is present when she gets her results.

HollaHolla · 23/07/2021 03:56

@ClumpingBambooIsALie

DC1's stellar results (which have been always been a foregone conclusion)

Careful with that attitude. I was the kid for whom "stellar results" were a foregone conclusion and those expectations really fucked with my mental health. Imagine having the only possible outcomes being either failure to meet expectations, or a temporary reprieve from that failure. Nobody ever making a fuss of you for doing really well, because doing really well is just what's expected.

Ditto. The lack of any real praise or reward for any results; and the ‘why didn’t you get an A for that’ - is a lot of the basis of my appalling self-esteem.

I’m old, so there was no parental involvement really, but I do work in HE now, and would agree there’s much more parental involvement. However, I’d encourage your children to make calls/decisions themselves (with your hell, of course!) You don’t want to set them up to fail at Uni because they can’t do these things for themselves.

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 23/07/2021 06:15

I think England need to get into the current technology age. Kids in Scotland can get them posted, texted or emailed to them as they choose - absolutely no requirement to traipse into school for results unless they want to discuss appeals (which can also be done online or over the phone)

Ds wanted to collect his GCSE results with his mates and see all his teachers to thank them and say goodbye as his school doesn't have a sixth form. We waited outside for an hour and a half in the car whilst he did that. He did text us to say his results were great so we weren't worrying. As a group they also supported a friend who didn't get the grade he needed to carry on a subject at sixth form and therefore needed to choose another A level. He was glad of the support.

Being in school meant he was told that he was the second highest mark in a particular subject, he got to find out what other people achieved and joined in their celebrations, not friends, just classmates, acquaintances. He wouldn't have missed it for the world.

For A levels parents are invited into the building as they know even if you just gave them a lift every day or bus fare you still provided some sort of support for your child.

Parents are much more involved in their child's education these days. My parents never had to sign a parent/school agreement to say they understood the school rules and would help their child abide by them. They didn't have to sign a planner every week to say their child has completed their homework. My son's school has several parental involvement evenings, they want us involved, far more chance of success for a child.

pastafeend · 23/07/2021 06:43

I dont think having results sent by email etc means people are not involved in their child's education.

Iwastheparanoidex · 23/07/2021 06:48

I would for A levels in case it goes tits up.

Happened to my eldest and I was very glad I was there to help them navigate what to do next.

If you’re not needed you can go for a pub lunch and have a day off.

Not sure that both of you need to be there, and the favourites is definitely an issue though.

woodfort · 23/07/2021 06:50

Does she know he’s booked the day off? Because if she doesn’t know I can’t see the harm in him not being there.

Also, will him being there help in any way? Presumably you booked the day off so you could celebrate with your daughter or give her moral support and talk through options, look into Clearing together etc if they go badly..? I almost think two parents would get in the way of that.
If he’s home by dinner, takeaway and a bottle of champagne all together if she’s happy?

Overthebow · 23/07/2021 06:54

Aren’t results given in the morning? And then surely DC will be out with their friends? No one in my school had parents come in with them, we would have been so embarrassed. And then everyone was out with friends after, i didn’t see my parents until the next day.

careerchangeperhaps · 23/07/2021 06:54

Have the day off. Results are in the morning. If DD goes out with friends for the afternoon, no worries.
If she wants support, you stay home and do something nice with her, DH takes car for repair. You can always all go out for a meal or something that evening when he gets back.

crapbuttrue · 23/07/2021 06:58

@Verymuddymummy so it's not that he isn't coming with you but that he's taking the car so you can't get there? Very shit thing to do.

pastafeend · 23/07/2021 07:05

[quote crapbuttrue]@Verymuddymummy so it's not that he isn't coming with you but that he's taking the car so you can't get there? Very shit thing to do. [/quote]

OP hasn't said this?

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 23/07/2021 07:07

Exam results every time...

Hopefully you won't be needed....for celebrations /sorting out and comforting upset...

But your daughter WILL remember her dad couldnt be arsed and didn't prioritise her wellbeing over an bloody non-essential car repair...

I still remember my useless father missing my graduation over 20 years ago .. I'd given him ample warning ; the one week in the YEAR I said to keep free (the day wasn't definite) ... He booked an overseas holiday (he was retired.... Confused).... He also refused to cancel it (at no cost) when my mum found out.... Bitter, me? Hmm

LemonRoses · 23/07/2021 07:13

@Overthebow

Aren’t results given in the morning? And then surely DC will be out with their friends? No one in my school had parents come in with them, we would have been so embarrassed. And then everyone was out with friends after, i didn’t see my parents until the next day.
I find it really sad that parents don’t care enough to be with their child at key moments. I don’t think their were many children at all whose parents didn’t turn up to the school with their children. We all waited outside ready to whoop with them or whisk away to cry in private.
TidyDancer · 23/07/2021 07:20

When I got my results no parents whatsoever were there. Agree with previous posters that it's not really the done thing in general. Wait in the car, that's as close as you need to be I think.

In the specific circumstances you describe OP, it would be quite important for your DH to make an effort though.

Iwastheparanoidex · 23/07/2021 07:26

I waited in the car. Child went in by themselves. Then called me in.

No school transport on results day and would have meant 2 buses - rural area.

Topseyt · 23/07/2021 07:34

[quote crapbuttrue]@Verymuddymummy so it's not that he isn't coming with you but that he's taking the car so you can't get there? Very shit thing to do. [/quote]
Nowhere has this been said at all. Are you reading a different thread?

hellywelly3 · 23/07/2021 07:35

I took the day off. I wanted to be there for my son. He like that I did that, when we were queuing to get in his friend said he was lucky that I’d come with him as his own mum probably hadn’t even remembered what day he got his results.