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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Exam Results Day - being there for DD or car repairs?!!

108 replies

Verymuddymummy · 22/07/2021 21:49

Doing the usual silent treatment with each other as DH wants to drive about an hour away for car repairs on exam results day. Both of us have taken the day off to be there for DD but now he wants to use the afternoon to have non-essential car repairs done. I think DD will be hurt when she finds out. She’s already well aware she’s not DH’s favourite child. All very jokey but actually uncomfortably close to the truth. Could make more of a fuss but there’s a slim possibility that DD will end up wanting to spend the afternoon with her friends - I’d understand and wouldn’t have an issue but fallout from DH will be bad if that happens - ugh!! Advice please - is DH being a bit rubbish or AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Verymuddymummy · 22/07/2021 22:23

It’s A-levels and it’s a trip in person to school (a drive away) to collect DD’s results.

OP posts:
Babynames2 · 22/07/2021 22:25

@pastafeend

If in England then students usually go to the school/sixth form and get given the results to open either there or at home. Usually there and teachers usually mill about to talk to the students about results/sixth form/uni options.

Due to Covid schools this year are doing things differently and it’s school dependent. Some are still in person collection but not hanging about and some are via email. I believe in Wales they've already been given results this year.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 22/07/2021 22:28

@Verymuddymummy

It’s A-levels and it’s a trip in person to school (a drive away) to collect DD’s results.
Ah ok. Sorry I automatically assumed GCSEs for some reason. Is there a chance she won't get the grades to do what she wants after sixth form? It's nice that you'll be there but I don't think it needs both parents.
Gladioli23 · 22/07/2021 22:28

@Buppers

Oh blimey. My DC's exam results days came and went, and I can't remember anything about who was doing what. I'd have thought it was very unusual to make a day of it.

If your child has done stupendously well, all you need to say is "well done". If they're disappointed, you'd say "never mind - these things happen", or some such. There's not much else to say, either way.

I was incredibly on edge for my results days.

GCSEs I disappointed myself (nobody else) and was in a right state.

A levels I was chuffed to bits and went for a celebratory pint with my parents. If it had gone wrong I'd have been inconsolable. I was also 9 miles from my school (rural) and frankly don't think I'd have been safe to drive.

Obviously if it wasn't possible then that would have been that, but I was very glad to have one parent there at least. My results were a big deal to me. When I got my degree results it took a good chunk of willpower to let my friend borrow my phone to call her parents first.

KingdomScrolls · 22/07/2021 22:36

My mum took the day off on a level results day, took me in (would've been two public buses and about 90 minutes each way because the school coaches weren't running), I went in got my results came out told her, she gave me a hug, told me she was proud and bunged me some money for the pub from my dad because he'd had to go to work but 'knew I'd do brilliantly'. I then went to the pub with my friends , I have no idea what she did with the rest of her day, may well have taken the car to a garage

MackieMayor · 22/07/2021 22:40

@LagunaBubbles

your child has done stupendously well, all you need to say is "well done". If they're disappointed, you'd say "never mind - these things happen", or some such. There's not much else to say, either way

I'm guessing you've never had to support a child who has been devastated by their results then?

@LagunaBubbles I agree.

If you take the day off the best case scenario is they're thrilled, disappear off with their mates and you get a nice day off anyway.

Worst case is you deal with a devastated son/daughter and support them.

I've done both, didn't regret taking the time off any of those times.

WoodPell · 22/07/2021 22:40

Both of you having the day off is more than slight overkill. But if there are favoritism issues, and it becomes clear to your DD he's done it under sufferance and booked the car in so as not to "waste" the day... yes, that's shit.

Ivy48 · 22/07/2021 22:40

Talk about over bearing. My results were available 8/9am, ran to the car to tel my mother then she went to work. That’s what everyone i know did. Maybe a meal out that evening etc

furiouslytyping · 22/07/2021 23:05

I don't think you both need to go tbh. I had the day off to go with DS but DH stayed at work and we rang him.

MackieMayor · 22/07/2021 23:06

@Ivy48

Talk about over bearing. My results were available 8/9am, ran to the car to tel my mother then she went to work. That’s what everyone i know did. Maybe a meal out that evening etc

@Ivy48 I don't think it's overkill to spend time with a distraught child who needs your help 🤷🏻‍♀️

MoiraNotRuby · 22/07/2021 23:15

Anyone explaining what they did for their own results - you are out of date! These days parents are expected and invited to be much more involved in their child's education. Which is a good thing. Education has not stood still since you were at school.

OP I would be disappointed in your husband. I imagine you are the go-to parent anyway so it probably won't make that much difference, if it is just dad being his usual unsupportive self. I wouldn't have a short term argument about it but from a long term perspective I'd be thinking about the marriage...

QueenofLouisiana · 22/07/2021 23:26

We will both be around as we are both teachers. However, DH has made it clear that he won’t be available for exam duty at his school as he will be at home for DS (also he did last year which was fucking chaos).
We’re working on the principle that if it goes tits up, we will be needed to help DS (has SEND which causes organisational difficulties, much worse when stressed). If it goes well, he’ll want a lift to go and celebrate with his mates.

HidingFromDD · 22/07/2021 23:36

1 took the day off, went to clearing. Fraught day but good result in the end - dad nowhere to be seen as was a half expected result. 2 got expected results, straight to first offer and no problems. Dad turned up for that one. They both remember who was ready to be there when they needed and who wasn’t...

SmokeyDevil · 22/07/2021 23:56

The issue here is him making it obvious he has a favourite and joking about it. He is a shit dad.

ineedaholidaynow · 23/07/2021 00:07

At least one of us will need to be home to drive DS to school as 40 minutes away and no public transport and school buses won’t be running.

This is for GCSE results. We have told DS it is up to him what he wants to do for the rest of the day. As this year was pretty rubbish, results are a bit in the air.

CorianderBee · 23/07/2021 00:16

Be there. If she does well it's fine. If she bombs it she needs an immediate lift away and support.

Cars can wait. Tell him to stop being a cunt.

MintyCedric · 23/07/2021 00:16

I'd ask her if she wants to do anything in the afternoon or if she's likely to have plans with friends.

I think YANBU though. I'll be around for the day when DD gets her GCSE results in 3 weeks. Taking her for breakfast first, then cake & bubbly with her nan and possibly having her Godmothers over to celebrate with us in the evening.

Her closest friends are both on holiday that week and she's predicted to have done really well after an incredibly challenging 18 months (not just Covid related) so I want to spoil her a bit especially as her dad is buggering off on holiday a couple of days beforehand and has refused to change his dates even though he's camping and it's entirely possible

CorianderBee · 23/07/2021 00:17

@CreamPantsuit

I'm aware I'm missing the point here but you've taken the day off for your daughter's exam results day? Do parents do that?

But to answer your question I think YANBU and your husband is a knob for letting her know she's not his favourite.

Yes they do
ClumpingBambooIsALie · 23/07/2021 00:17

DC1's stellar results (which have been always been a foregone conclusion)

Careful with that attitude. I was the kid for whom "stellar results" were a foregone conclusion and those expectations really fucked with my mental health. Imagine having the only possible outcomes being either failure to meet expectations, or a temporary reprieve from that failure. Nobody ever making a fuss of you for doing really well, because doing really well is just what's expected.

CorianderBee · 23/07/2021 00:19

@ClumpingBambooIsALie honestly that sounds like it was your parents problem. My family had huge expectations of me and my sister (g+t across the board). They both came from poverty and were very smart with 5 GCSEs between them.

We were still always praised and bought things when we achieved those expectations and encouraged when we very occasionally didn't.

TheSmallAssassin · 23/07/2021 00:22

We've both taken A level results day off, as others have said, we could well be having to help our son navigate clearing. We've also taken GCSE results day off, so our daughter's probable celebrations aren't completely eclipsed by A level angst. It's all about context.

CorianderBee · 23/07/2021 00:23

As in with only 5 GCSEs due to effects of poverty.

ClumpingBambooIsALie · 23/07/2021 00:25

Nah my parents were my parents weren't the main problem really. Not that it's relevant. I just wanted to point out to the PP that there are real dangers involved with the pressure, whether internal or external, to always achieve. Because if you're always top, your next set of exam results can only ever be either a disappointment, or just what's expected.

CantRememberHoliday · 23/07/2021 00:25

My parents were there on results day. I’d have been so upset if my mam hadn’t come into school with me, for A levels especially

CorianderBee · 23/07/2021 00:33

@ClumpingBambooIsALie

Nah my parents were my parents weren't the main problem really. Not that it's relevant. I just wanted to point out to the PP that there are real dangers involved with the pressure, whether internal or external, to always achieve. Because if you're always top, your next set of exam results can only ever be either a disappointment, or just what's expected.
Maybe. But I never felt like that. I definitely felt the intense pressure at times but never when it came to failure. Which is why I say it was your parents reactions and not the automatic inference of expectation.