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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think a man and a woman can have a platonic relationship?

102 replies

Magenta999 · 22/07/2021 01:29

I met my best friend at work 8 years ago who happens to be a man who is in a relationship. Out of the blue he declared he wants to split with his partner and be in a relationship with me. I did not see this coming at all. His partner has told him he now needs to cut all ties with me. Im now blocked. I've lost my best friend overnight and its a huge shock to the system. I appreciate people will not understand where I'm coming from but I was genuinely hand on heart his friend

OP posts:

Plinkplonk1234 · 22/07/2021 01:33

I understand that very well. It has also happened to me and it's very unsettling especially when you really don't feel anything but friendship for them. I'm sorry you found yourself in this position.

Saoirse82 · 22/07/2021 01:48

My best friend is a man, but we've been friends since we were 4 and its 100% from both sides a brother/sister thing. Men and women can of course be best friends but I think the dynamic changes slightly if you meet as adults, there is much more likely to be unrequited love from one side. Though its totally shit for you losing your best friend

QueenBee52 · 22/07/2021 03:11

What's the AIBU ?

Monty27 · 22/07/2021 03:15

It works of course if either side is not interested romantically

Pickapicket · 22/07/2021 04:45

Sorry you’re in this position OP it is horrible.

www.bleske-rechek.com/April%20Website%20Files/Bleske-Rechek%20et%20al.%202012%20Benefit%20or%20Burden.pdf

Some interesting research - see above link - summary only - not exactly light reading! suggests:

Men in platonic heterosexual relationships more likely to have underlying attraction to the woman

Platonic relationships in general can damage the participants’ existing romantic relationships

Can men and women be friends? For me yes if you’re both single. Sadly my platonic friendships with married/partnered men have ended in the same way as yours OP.

Others will disagree.

Oceanbliss · 22/07/2021 05:52

@Pickapicket I clicked on that link and it is very interesting reading. (I haven’t read all of it as yet). Thank you for posting it.

When I was younger I argued against a man (who I considered a friend) who was saying it is impossible for men and women to have platonic friendships. I couldn’t see why men and women couldn’t be friends and remain platonic, he claimed that there would always be a sexual attraction, especially if you are a man. I challenged him on that and asked him if he was saying that men can’t be friends with the opposite sex without becoming sexually attracted to them. He said that was exactly what he was saying. (I believe that he was referring to heterosexual men).

I really didn’t believe him at the time. I thought it was just him. As I’ve gotten older I’m not so sure that he was wrong.

As a woman I can easily be friends with a man without becoming sexually attracted to him. Not sure why it would be so difficult for a man. Unless it is to do with environmental conditioning that teaches men to view women sexually.

Boood · 22/07/2021 06:15

I used to believe it was possible. The longer I’ve been around, the more I think if you pay close attention, you always realise that at least one half of the friendship is holding out for more. Not all friendships, but those that are close enough for you to plan to spend time alone together, spend lots of time texting, that kind of thing. And I would certainly not get into a friendship like that now, because I value my marriage too much.

Cloudninenine · 22/07/2021 06:20

That’s shit, I’m sorry. I have good male friendships which work because neither of us is interested in the other (same with my female friendships, since I’m bi). I can imagine how disconcerting it is to have the rug pulled from under your feet like that. Hope you feel better soon

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 22/07/2021 06:24

You can have a friendship with someone of the opposite sex but those friendships are vanishingly rare.

Glovesick · 22/07/2021 06:31

When Harry met Sally, "men and women can't be friends".

I have several male friends, straight and gay. I am attracted to all of them, but would never act on it. I suspect the straight ones are attracted to me, but don't act on it.

My best male friend I am hopelessly in love with, but he is in a relationship with kids and I wouldn't dream of doing anything.

MeanderingGently · 22/07/2021 07:03

It is possible to have a real, non-romantic friendship with the opposite sex. I had a male friend, he had other relationships, it was possible to talk about all sorts of things including the man's point of view in a relationship. When I had a relationship of my own, it was very useful to be able to ask "what does a man really mean when he says......" !

However, in your situation, it doesn't work if one of the friends suddenly becomes attracted to the other. Then it all falls apart, I am sorry you have lost a good friend.

My own friendship worked because we just weren't each other's "type" and could openly say "I would never fancy you, you aren't the sort I go for" !

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 22/07/2021 07:06

Ime, no. Not unless one of then is gay.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 22/07/2021 07:09

*I have several male friends, straight and gay. I am attracted to all of them, but would never act on it. I suspect the straight ones are attracted to me, but don't act on it.

My best male friend I am hopelessly in love with, but he is in a relationship with kids and I wouldn't dream of doing anything.*

And here is a good reason why, just because you wouldn't act on it, doesn't make it OK. You can't be just friends with someone you are attracted to.

Also, how can you be attracted to ALL your male friends?

boobot1 · 22/07/2021 07:13

No, every male friend I've ever had, eventually asked me out. Very odd, I genuinely only felt friendship for them. Other female friends have had similar experiences.

tiredmummy1991 · 22/07/2021 07:13

I used to think it could happened but I think starting friendships later in life makes it harder. I've had a male friend tell people he thinks somethings there just from me treating him as a friend, I find sometimes it's more hassle then it's worth.

LittleBearPad · 22/07/2021 07:14

I also think male/female friendships are rare. To quote WHMS “the sex part always gets in the way”

I’m sorry you’ve lost your friend.

joystir59 · 22/07/2021 07:16

Men cannot handle emotional connections to women without it going to their groins, unfortunately. Time and time again women tell the same story. Men are so boringly basic in how they relate to women.

Coldilox · 22/07/2021 07:17

I find this odd. Of course men and women can be friends.

Fairyliz · 22/07/2021 07:17

I think women can, but men won’t put in the effort to be a good friend unless they are sexually attracted to a woman.

joystir59 · 22/07/2021 07:18

This phenomenon does not happen to same sex friendships when one or both parties are lesbians. I'm a lesbian and have enduring deep wonderful entirely platonic friendships with both gay and straight women. Men are so limited. And NAMALT.

CanICelebrate · 22/07/2021 07:20

@QueenBee52 the aibu is question is in the title

TanteRose · 22/07/2021 07:22

Mash Report from a couple of years ago

DaisyWaldron · 22/07/2021 07:23

There's an element of attraction in most of my friendships with both men and women, but it's always been a part of the friendship rather than a threat to it. Partly a sort of general love and affection bleeding over into attraction, and partly an acknowledgement that in different circumstances we might have gone for a sexual/romantic relationship but that actually we prefer friendship. I have a couple of friends who have, when single or in open relationships, indicated that they would be interested in more, but when I've made clear that that's never going to happen we've gone back to our previous friendship without any problems. If someone tried to cheat on a partner with me, that would seriously damage a friendship, because they wouldn't be the person I thought they were. And in my circle of friends, it's normal for people to stay friends with exes, so being turned down once is a pretty insignificant thing.

CanICelebrate · 22/07/2021 07:23

One of my best friends is a man. I love him to bits and it’s completely platonic.

When we met I was married and he wasn’t, and he has always got on well with my husband. He is now married and I get on really well with his wife.

KingdomScrolls · 22/07/2021 07:26

Too many people are socialised to believe that the opposite sex have an entirely different role and a large part of that is to be an intimate partner, it's why you get five year olds saying they have a boyfriend and parents thinking it's cute rather than reinforcing you can have a platonic male/female friend.
One of my two best friends is male, we've been friends for decades never a hint of anything else, I'm closer to him than I am my actual brother, our respective husband/wife have a number of similarities and neither of us have ever dated someone similar to each other.

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