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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a man and a woman can have a platonic relationship?

102 replies

Magenta999 · 22/07/2021 01:29

I met my best friend at work 8 years ago who happens to be a man who is in a relationship. Out of the blue he declared he wants to split with his partner and be in a relationship with me. I did not see this coming at all. His partner has told him he now needs to cut all ties with me. Im now blocked. I've lost my best friend overnight and its a huge shock to the system. I appreciate people will not understand where I'm coming from but I was genuinely hand on heart his friend

OP posts:
notanothertakeaway · 22/07/2021 07:27

OP, sorry this happened to you

I think male / female friendships often involve attraction on at least one side, and can easily go wrong

ItPearl · 22/07/2021 07:28

It depends. In your case op it sounds like a family connection, like a cousin.

But i generally find men dont want to be my friend. They used to want to sleep with me and a few times when i was younger i thought i was friends with a man only for it to disintegrate when i didnt want fwb or whatever.

So it's easier when that's not an issue. Often very attractive women mistakenly believe they have lots of male friends. They dont. The men hope / wonder if she'll ever sleep with him or if not, they look good and popular on her orbit. Happens the other way round too

ItPearl · 22/07/2021 07:32

@Pickapicket

Sorry you’re in this position OP it is horrible.

www.bleske-rechek.com/April%20Website%20Files/Bleske-Rechek%20et%20al.%202012%20Benefit%20or%20Burden.pdf

Some interesting research - see above link - summary only - not exactly light reading! suggests:

Men in platonic heterosexual relationships more likely to have underlying attraction to the woman

Platonic relationships in general can damage the participants’ existing romantic relationships

Can men and women be friends? For me yes if you’re both single. Sadly my platonic friendships with married/partnered men have ended in the same way as yours OP.

Others will disagree.

This is what i believe too. Sad, as an older average looking woman i guess i wont be making any male friends now
Shelddd · 22/07/2021 07:34

I definitely think you can have plutonic relationships between opposite sexes especially when both are not attractive or relatively asexual.

Shelddd · 22/07/2021 07:35

Platonic* oops :)

SimonJT · 22/07/2021 07:35

@joystir59

This phenomenon does not happen to same sex friendships when one or both parties are lesbians. I'm a lesbian and have enduring deep wonderful entirely platonic friendships with both gay and straight women. Men are so limited. And NAMALT.
It doesn’t happen with gay men either.
ItPearl · 22/07/2021 07:42

@Shelddd

I definitely think you can have plutonic relationships between opposite sexes especially when both are not attractive or relatively asexual.
Yeh but only women are motivated to have them
Mulberry974 · 22/07/2021 07:42

I've got 2 close male friends, known them for 20 years and during that time we've all been single and married. Absolutely no issues. But I think this is quite rare and would agree a lot of men either confuse friendship with attraction or drop their female friends when they get married.

NannyAndJohn · 22/07/2021 07:49

Only if the male is a homosexual.

Not a chance otherwise.

LittleBearPad · 22/07/2021 07:49

I think one of the problems is that if there are glitches/issues in the man’s relationship he looks at his female friends (should he have any) and thinks how uncomplicated and nice that friendship/woman is, how easy that friendship is versus his relationship and immediately decides the grass is greener.

ItPearl · 22/07/2021 07:53

I find (being single) that i never socialise in mixed company. I could though. I can talk to some men easily, other men, it is painful. Same as with women. But because im single, and older, there's just no opportunitt for any delusion! Other women might be mixing with couples and they are friendLY with their husbands' friends or their friends' husbands.

When you are single it is quite easy to see how you can be a friendly good humoured funny supportive friend but not have one single male friend.

Im so past caring now though. Ive let go of caringvabout that so well that im shocked anew typing it and realising that i have not one single male friend. Not one male friend that would ring me up, ask me in my own right (not with a man) to come along.. i go to school reunions and chat to the men but then it's see you in a decade.

GintyMcGinty · 22/07/2021 07:54

I have a few close platonic relationships with men. And a wider circle of platonic male friends and acquaintances.

moonfacebaby · 22/07/2021 07:58

I think it’s rare. I had male friends when I was in my 20s, and every single one of them fessed up to wanting more at some point.

I wasn’t interested in them at all.

Shade17 · 22/07/2021 08:28

I had a very close friendship with a woman (now drifted apart slightly as she lives in a different country) but there was never any attraction. We were both single for a long time and get on great just happen to not be each other’s type, so it’s certainly possible.

RichardDrankMyCoke · 22/07/2021 08:38

Of course, male/female friendships exist. When I think about it, though, my male friends are all people I knew in another capacity first: classmate, flatmate, colleague, people I've worked with over time on political/social causes. I can't really imagine meeting a man in the wild and unproblematically becoming besties. I also think the sexual tension issue is variable: some people are attracted to quite a lot of people and others very few. It wouldn't bother me if a friend were sexually attracted to me and loads of other people, but if knew he was ONLY attracted to me it would be awkward even if he never acted on it.

His partner has told him he now needs to cut all ties with me. This part makes no sense to me. (I'm assuming you turned him down and he's staying with her but she found out what he said to you?) If my partner told someone else he wanted to split up with me to be with them, he would no longer be my partner. Why would I still be interested? That has nothing to do with whether the other person reciprocated or not. (I'd also think he was an arse for hedging his bets and making his move before breaking up with me.)

Oh, struck out with Magenta, eh? Guess you're stuck with me until someone else comes along. And by the way, stop calling her! Yeah, can't see it.

Im now blocked. I've lost my best friend overnight and its a huge shock to the system. I'm sorry this happened. It is shocking and painful, especially when it's a long friendship.

Sadwife321 · 22/07/2021 08:39

Throughout my life I’ve had a fair number of male friends that I have had totally platonic feelings for and believed they felt the same, but who eventually announced that their interest was more than friendship. It’s always such a disappointment. However, I’ve also been on the other side of this: a few years ago, my faithful and committed DH made a female friend at work. I was totally comfortable with this platonic friendship and even encouraged it. You can probably guess where this is going… He ended up having an EA with her and torpedoed our marriage.

So maybe my conclusion is that women can have platonic friendships with men, but most of the time men can’t. Perhaps they either see things in a woman’s normal friendly manner that aren’t there, or they are only interested in spending time with women who they are already attracted to.

PurpleFlower1983 · 22/07/2021 08:41

I’ve had two really close male friends, both married, one older than me, one younger. The older one ended up trying it on with me when drunk a few times, it ended the friendship. The younger one is lovely and like my little brother.

Sadwife321 · 22/07/2021 08:42

@LittleBearPad

I think one of the problems is that if there are glitches/issues in the man’s relationship he looks at his female friends (should he have any) and thinks how uncomplicated and nice that friendship/woman is, how easy that friendship is versus his relationship and immediately decides the grass is greener.
Absolutely… Sad
OneTC · 22/07/2021 08:45

I have quite alot of women friends and believe that yes it is possible. I think it's also really possible that someone gets the wrong idea

A friend recently told me she loved me. She's my partner's friend and my friend's partner and we're all very close. I told her to sort her shit out and told my partner about it. We'll see what happens next

It's happened once before with another friend and it didn't immediately kill the friendship but it made me feel uncomfortable and less inclined to see her and now we're not really friends

Karwomannghia · 22/07/2021 08:45

I think there will always be a level of attraction between very good M/F straight friends. But obviously you wouldn’t always act on it.

Pedalpushers · 22/07/2021 08:50

Of course it's possible, but honestly on my experience most of the men and women in strong platonic relationships now have had flings or one night stands together years ago. It's like it flips a switch and removes any sexual curiosity or tension.

Original poster
Magenta999 · 22/07/2021 08:50

@RichardDrankMyCoke

Of course, male/female friendships exist. When I think about it, though, my male friends are all people I knew in another capacity first: classmate, flatmate, colleague, people I've worked with over time on political/social causes. I can't really imagine meeting a man in the wild and unproblematically becoming besties. I also think the sexual tension issue is variable: some people are attracted to quite a lot of people and others very few. It wouldn't bother me if a friend were sexually attracted to me and loads of other people, but if knew he was ONLY attracted to me it would be awkward even if he never acted on it.

His partner has told him he now needs to cut all ties with me. This part makes no sense to me. (I'm assuming you turned him down and he's staying with her but she found out what he said to you?) If my partner told someone else he wanted to split up with me to be with them, he would no longer be my partner. Why would I still be interested? That has nothing to do with whether the other person reciprocated or not. (I'd also think he was an arse for hedging his bets and making his move before breaking up with me.)

Oh, struck out with Magenta, eh? Guess you're stuck with me until someone else comes along. And by the way, stop calling her! Yeah, can't see it.

Im now blocked. I've lost my best friend overnight and its a huge shock to the system. I'm sorry this happened. It is shocking and painful, especially when it's a long friendship.

You've really made me think here, thanks for this reply. I've only just realised he was hedging his bets. He told me he had feelings for me before he tried to split with her and was trying to gauge if I had feelings for him. I said if he wasn't in a relationship then I might go for a drink with him. I don't think this was the ringing endorsement he was looking for. I think he wanted me to promise I feel exactly the same as him and basically leverage him out of the relationship. I don't want that kind of pressure on me and its not a good footing to start any relationship
OP posts:
LittleBearPad · 22/07/2021 08:53

@GintyMcGinty

I have a few close platonic relationships with men. And a wider circle of platonic male friends and acquaintances.
I’m not sure saying you have many male acquaintances is the same thing or even a wide circle of male friends.

That doesn’t imply one to one drinks in the pub or dinners for two, days out when it’s just the two of you etc which are associated with close friendship. Maybe you have that with the close friends you say you have.

But it’s not the same to say I know lots of men

Iquitit · 22/07/2021 09:03

I think it's possible, but very rare.

In this situation personally, one side or the other has always wanted more and has built a friendship in the hope that something more will flourish.
For my part, if that hadn't been forthcoming I can accept that and keep the friendship, but without exception the men who've felt this way about me have disappeared when I've said no.
It leads me to think that men need some sort of 'reward' for the time and effort that friendships take and if that reward isn't forthcoming then they lose interest.

ChainJane · 22/07/2021 09:08

YABU. Women can have platonic friendships with men but men will always develop feelings for women they are friends with. They may not act on it immediately, some might not act on it ever, but the feelings are always there. It doesn't really matter whether the man is in a good relationship, if he is friends with another woman he will be attracted to her. All his existing relationship might do is dissuade him from making his move on the woman he is friends with.

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