To think a man and a woman can have a platonic relationship?

[Magenta999]

I met my best friend at work 8 years ago who happens to be a man who is in a relationship. Out of the blue he declared he wants to split with his partner and be in a relationship with me. I did not see this coming at all. His partner has told him he now needs to cut all ties with me. Im now blocked. I've lost my best friend overnight and its a huge shock to the system. I appreciate people will not understand where I'm coming from but I was genuinely hand on heart his friend

One of my closest friends is male. We met at work about 15 years ago when we were both single. There's no attraction on my side, but it's possible there might have been on his when we first met. I'm confident there's nothing there now, if there ever was. We are both now married with children, and get along well with each other's partners. I don't ever see anything more developing and expect our friendship to last into older age.

I have 3 close male friends, thinking on it. 2 are gay so this scenario wouldn't arise, but the third has been in a relationship less than 50% of the time I've known him, which is 13 years. I genuinely have never seen him as more than a friend, and he's never even acted as if he might have feelings for me. And this includes going out for drinks, etc. alone when both of us were single. So yes, I do think it's possible to have a platonic male friend, but the way you've been treated is horrible, OP. He should have put his good friend first (in my opinion), as long as he could respect your feelings and keep the relationship as a friendship.

Ugh sorry this happened to you.

I’m not sure what the answer to your question is. I’ve had many male friends, even a male best friend, but all the friendships ended awkwardly and abruptly when they developed feelings for me (or in the case of one work colleague-friend, randomly groped me!)

I avoid friendships with men now. I’m not saying they can’t work but they never have for me.

These replies have all been really helpful. Its making a lot more sense to me now. Thank you everybody

Of course they can. DP and I have done it for years.

I believe it can be done, but generally only if you met while young. Most of my male friends now I've known since school. Others I've made via work or through people I know but none of them are single which makes it easier I think.

I think men misread female friendship a lot of the time because the way we treat our friends is the same as a lot of men treat women they want to date / fancy - I.e listening to what they're up to / how they feel, making plans to spend time together doing something, going out for dinner or drinks, generally being nice.
Doesn't take away from how horrible it is when you've felt a nice friendship building and they've decided they want more.

Of course they can, unless you think that men and women just by virtue of knowing each other immediately want to jump into bed.

Naturally if one of the 2 view it as more than a friendship than it can become troublesome, but actual grown up adults can easily maintain friendships with the opposite sex without causing any issues.

Every make friend I’ve ever had fancied me and that’s why they made the effort to be friends with me at first.

I kept a couple of those friends for many years though once they realised that a) it was never going to happen and b) that we got along well. I ended up becoming very good friends with the lovely women they married ten or so years on.

But they always wanted more at the beginning.

Male friends I made as adults it turned out wanted to get into my pants too.

It’s a shame because I get on really well with men (hangover from being hideously bullied by other girls all through school I think).

When I think about it, though, my male friends are all people I knew in another capacity first: classmate, flatmate, colleague, people I've worked with over time on political/social causes.

I agree with this, but that also how I met most of my female friends, too. It's just how you meet people, isn't it?

Of course it’s possible to have friends of the opposite sex. I have a close group of friends who met at work which is two women and six men. We’ve been friends for 12 years, regularly go away for weekends together and within the group some are obviously closer than others. Personally I would call one of them my best friend and two more that I would socialise with individually, and do. In 12 years there’s never been even a sniff of anyone wanting more than friendship, even when a few were still single. Perhaps I’m just spectacularly unattractive.

Of course a man and woman can be friends but society in general assumes that they cannot and there must always be a sexual or romantic attraction there. Its bonkers.

Most of my friends are male, by virtue of me meeting them by doing what is a very male dominated sport. I dont think there is anything more than friendship there from either direction

YANBU, just because people are attracted to people of a particular sex doesn't mean they can't also feel entirely platonically towards people of that sex otherwise we bisexuals can't have friends or even just handle other emotions as they come up maturely and remain platonic.

It is questionable whether every person can have a platonic relationship with someone they're attracted to, some people are more easily led by their emotions in this -- kids including teenagers are often in this category while they're learning to work with these feelings, and with adults, it's possible more of those people who can't/won't are men who ruin things.

And here is a good reason why, just because you wouldn't act on it, doesn't make it OK. You can't be just friends with someone you are attracted to.

Some people can, just like some can be friends with someone who they regularly find annoying.

Emotions are just another form of sensory information. Some are stronger and cause instinctive reactions - usually the negative ones, but most are (or at least start off as) mild and we either screen them out, change our behaviour, or learn how to live with them as they pass through.

I've had friends where I was entirely platonic for a while, had a crush for a month or so, and then it passed. Some I've had where they've gone from platonic, crush, platonic, annoying/fine in small doses and then had it fluctuate between platonic and 'I wish all the best for you, but your annoying habit is driving me up the wall' (I very rarely have a crush on someone more than once).

Maybe it's because I've been rejected a lot so the idea guys always will rings hollow for me (or maybe I'm just that ugly and weird) or just my mindset, but I don't find it hard to enjoy a platonic relationship even when I have other fluctuating feelings, and I've learned how easily those emotions can fluctuate - at least for me. I've had strong crushes crash and burn with one sentence uttered, never to return. I'm not doing anything as drastic as this guy for something so fickle.

That some people do shite like hedge their bets like this guy has done or other nasty behaviour doesn't mean other people can't handle them better or be good friends with other feelings involved.

So, to those who suggest men can’t….

Do you think that they’re only acting as friends because they’re sexually attracted?

Or that do you think that sexual attraction is bound to grow out of friendship?

Or do you think that, for men, there’s no distinction?

And if I were to say, as I now will, that I have several platonic relationships with women, will you say that I’m lying or that I’m in some way not a man?

Are you single? Are these women single?

Two things leap out at me, OP:

1. His partner is settling for second-best; she must have extremely poor self-esteem to put in place measures to stop him contacting you. Very foolish and it won't work. If it won't be you, it will be somebody else.

1. You say in a later post that you'd go out for a drink with him IF he wasn't in a relationship. A ringing endorsement it might not be but, putting it that way isn't platonic either. I mean, don't you have drinks together as platonic friends? It doesn't really add up.

.
I'm sorry that you're upset but I think perhaps you've not realised that the platonic feelings didn't really exist on either side - he hid his feelings for a while - and you seem to have been able to be persuaded out of yours.

Best to let this one go; when he ends his relationship (and he most likely will), he might ask you again but sadly, your 'friendship' can't carry on as it was.

It’s possible. It’s just rare.

@Karwomannghia

Are you single? Are these women single?

At various stages of my life, all combinations - both single, both married, each one or the other.

I find it a bit dismaying that that’s even a question.

I have a lot of close male friends- some I have known for decades others for less time. I think it’s totally sexist to say men cannot have a platonic friendship with women! It’s also completely untrue. Some men abs some women may bot be able to have platonic friendships with the opposite sex but imo most can abs many do.

Do the pp who think men can’t have platonic friendships with women think the same about gay men? What about gay women?

I actually really like male friendships and don’t generally feel attracted to my male friends at all.

@WalkingOnTheCracks it’s a very relevant question though, if you were both single and genuinely got along really well, had no other barriers like distance, age etc that’s a very different situation to you being married and having female friends.
The barriers are what stop you from even thinking about whether you’re attracted or not.

[quote Karwomannghia]@WalkingOnTheCracks it’s a very relevant question though, if you were both single and genuinely got along really well, had no other barriers like distance, age etc that’s a very different situation to you being married and having female friends.
The barriers are what stop you from even thinking about whether you’re attracted or not.[/quote]
So what do you conclude from my answer?

About what?

I have a number of close platonic male friends but I’m a gay woman, which I guess may make it much easier in a number of ways: not least that I am not seen as a threat by the wives, but also that the men know nothing is going to happen.

men will always develop feelings for women they are friends with. They may not act on it immediately, some might not act on it ever, but the feelings are always there

As a man I can tell you that’s bollocks. Of course it happens, but always? No. I’ve had plenty of female friends that I’ve not found attractive in the slightest or developed feelings for.