To think a man and a woman can have a platonic relationship?

[Magenta999]

I met my best friend at work 8 years ago who happens to be a man who is in a relationship. Out of the blue he declared he wants to split with his partner and be in a relationship with me. I did not see this coming at all. His partner has told him he now needs to cut all ties with me. Im now blocked. I've lost my best friend overnight and its a huge shock to the system. I appreciate people will not understand where I'm coming from but I was genuinely hand on heart his friend

@Karwomannghia

About what?

….er…to the question you asked…

I gave you an answer as to my opinion; are you asking me to speculate as to your current relationship status? Or are you just asking me to say you are right?

Of course men and women can be friends. You don't want to shag every single man you meet, do you? (Well, some might ) So why not be friends with some of them?

In my experience people who say platonic relationships are not possible are either very insecure or aren't very good at seeing the opposite sex as individual people.

I don't understand your confusion OP because you said if he was single you would have gone for a drink with him. So you are somewhat attracted to him, why the question.

You don't want to shag every single man you meet, do you? (Well, some might grin) So why not be friends with some of them?

I guess the answer to this is, if you think someone is fun, interesting and great to be around, you'd be both friends with and attracted to them. If you think they are boring and annoying, you'd be neither.

Of course they can.

However, as shown it’s usually men that are more likely to be attracted to their female friends etc…

This will probably be an unpopular opinion but I think it’s a lot to do with how men are much more friendlier to attractive women in general (even if they’re not looking to cheat)
I don’t know if it’s done subconsciously or not. As an unattractive woman, even with 100% faithful men, in my experience they’re always so much friendlier and chattier to attractive women. People like me are invisible to them, I see it in the workplace too.

Whereas, I think women are less likely to care about the appearance of their male friends for platonic relationships.

Also, when I try and explain this to my more conventionally attractive friends they find it hard to believe as (insert male friend name) is so friendly to them.

I don’t think so, only if one or both are gay.

I have a couple of good male friends , where there is zero sexual attraction. I am very perceptive and can usually pick up on that kind of thing. We have a laugh together and talk about all sorts of weird stuff & definitely see each other in a kind of brother/sister way.

I have also had a couple of good friendships where the male has ended up liking me as more then just a friend and the friendship fizzled out as it got weird between us.

Platonic relationships in general can damage the participants’ existing romantic relationships

Hang on, so you're saying people in relationships shouldn't have friendships full stop? What an utterly miserable lonely way to live, not to mention incredibly vulnerable. What do people with no friends do if/when their relationship ends?

@WalkingOnTheCracks

So, to those who suggest men can’t….

Do you think that they’re only acting as friends because they’re sexually attracted?

Or that do you think that sexual attraction is bound to grow out of friendship?

Or do you think that, for men, there’s no distinction?

And if I were to say, as I now will, that I have several platonic relationships with women, will you say that I’m lying or that I’m in some way not a man?

I think it's unfair to say it's only men. Women can develop feelings too but maybe hide it better. I am an example of this.

I also think that most people enter a friendship thinking that hey it's just a friendship but the more you get to know someone and spend time with them the more you start thinking about them, looking forward to seeing them again, etc.

I do think it's all about circumstances and the level of friendship (ie see them once a month vs talk to them everyday for hours and feel very dependent on them)

I guess the answer to this is, if you think someone is fun, interesting and great to be around, you'd be both friends with and attracted to them. If you think they are boring and annoying, you'd be neither.

But some people can be all of the above depending on the environment or topic. Most people are more complicated than always causing one emotion. Many people find their spouses annoying at times.

Very few things are more an instant and eternal turn-off for me than seeing someone drunk/high/otherwise intoxicated - I find it dull, annoying, and very unattractive. I can still be friends with people who drink or smoke, even when they do it around me when we're out together, but I'll never find them attractive, that image of them just makes a nope for me. Similar with very pessimistic people - they can be great and interesting, but I find them very hard work and wouldn't want to be more involved with them than friends - it's just a nope.

I'm sure there are things about my appearance or what I do that's a similar nope to others - I was certainly rejected by enough friends before I married to get that impression that I'm very much not many people's cup of tea romantically even if great friends.

@TreeSmuggler

You don't want to shag every single man you meet, do you? (Well, some might grin) So why not be friends with some of them?

I guess the answer to this is, if you think someone is fun, interesting and great to be around, you'd be both friends with and attracted to them. If you think they are boring and annoying, you'd be neither.

Nonsense.

You can like spending time with people and not be attracted to them.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

Two things leap out at me, OP:

1. His partner is settling for second-best; she must have extremely poor self-esteem to put in place measures to stop him contacting you. Very foolish and it won't work. If it won't be you, it will be somebody else.

1. You say in a later post that you'd go out for a drink with him IF he wasn't in a relationship. A ringing endorsement it might not be but, putting it that way isn't platonic either. I mean, don't you have drinks together as platonic friends? It doesn't really add up.

.
I'm sorry that you're upset but I think perhaps you've not realised that the platonic feelings didn't really exist on either side - he hid his feelings for a while - and you seem to have been able to be persuaded out of yours.

Best to let this one go; when he ends his relationship (and he most likely will), he might ask you again but sadly, your 'friendship' can't carry on as it was.

Just wanted to clarify on this as I've been pondering it. I'm generally a people pleaser and really hate the idea of causing upset. When I was asked outright "can you see yourself in a relationship with me or am I wasting my time?" I panicked. Who can answer that, nobody can see into the future and I didn't want my answer to this to be a green light to leave his partner. 6 months later I could end up with "well you said you could see yourself in a relationship with me so THATS why I left" I don't want that responsibility. If he wants to leave an unhappy relationship then that is his business. I'm not going to be the lever to get somebody out. I suggested going for a drink so I didn't sound like I was completely rejecting him and hurting his ego. Without a shadow of a doubt I would never date someone who is already in a relationship. Regardless of how unhappy they are. I just feel like this whole episode has been an attempt to shift the agency and responsibility on to me. And I'm not playing ball

Magenta999, I absolutely get the panic and rabbit-in-headlights thinking but I'm just trying to think of a circumstances where a male friend might say something like that. What on earth would compel a platonic friend to give any sort of 'Mmm maybe?' response? I mean, wouldn't you (general, not aimed at you) use the helpful stock answer of "I can't, I value our friendship too much to risk it..."? It's respectful, gentle and would have got you out of this without hurting his feelings.

The fact that you're now talking about not going there when somebody is already in a relationship is what makes me think that the feelings are mutual, not platonic. Nothing wrong with that... just don't keep pretending that it is platonic because you'll get advice based on that premise.

I think that you've done the right thing. This daft woman is controlling him because he allows her too. Let them get on with it. If he becomes free at some point then you can pursue it then if you want to.

But, your 'friendship' as it was, as you've portrayed it, is done, sorry. You won't get that one back but you might get a wonderful relationship with a man who you already know that you get on with so well. So all is not lost.

I have a number of male friends where neither of us has ever asked the other out, and as far as I am aware neither of us is sexually attracted to the other. This perception that sex always comes into it is tiring.

I find it interesting that there seems to be this sense that “attraction” means “wants to have sex with”. I find many female friends attractive and can see they are sexually attractive; that’s part of their charm as well as their other excellent qualities. I find many male friends attractive and can see that they’re sexually attractive. Again, I can live with that. I don’t want to do anything other than enjoy their company because I love my husband and there’s no room for another relationship that has that level of sexual intensity in my life. I believe my marriage vows mean something but it doesn’t mean I don’t find people attractive. I think that many people can maintain sincere friendships with the opposite sex; it would be sad if that wasn’t the case.

I lived with a man for 8 years in a platonic friendship. Admittedly 6 years before that we started off lifes big journey as a happy couple and 3 years later DS came along, by the time DS was three we were in a platonic relationship... 😂😂i know this is not what you meant

@Jakarta

Of course they can.

However, as shown it’s usually men that are more likely to be attracted to their female friends etc…

This will probably be an unpopular opinion but I think it’s a lot to do with how men are much more friendlier to attractive women in general (even if they’re not looking to cheat)
I don’t know if it’s done subconsciously or not. As an unattractive woman, even with 100% faithful men, in my experience they’re always so much friendlier and chattier to attractive women. People like me are invisible to them, I see it in the workplace too.

Whereas, I think women are less likely to care about the appearance of their male friends for platonic relationships.

Also, when I try and explain this to my more conventionally attractive friends they find it hard to believe as (insert male friend name) is so friendly to them.

I agree with this. I think a lot of men are not interested in friendship with a woman who is not attractive. That doesn't mean they can't have a platonic friendship with a woman they find attractive but only that a lot of then just wouldn't make the effort to chat to and get to know a woman who is objectively quite unattractive/ plain.

Whereas a woman might chat with a man who is not conventionally attractive and decide he is fun, interesting that they have a lot in common etc and be open to friendship even if they are not interested in a sexual/ romantic relationship

I think as an adult it's not always easy to make opposite sex as genuine friends and partners come into the mix. I however do have many male friends who are just friends but we have been friends since school, with minimal romance or attractions (acted upon) and been friends over the years and now all in our 30s in serious relationships and thankfully partners trust we are all friends and any historic romance was largely school crushes. Large group of mixed friends but I will meet with some of the male friends alone. So yes I believe it can be but rare for no challenges to arise as life progresses.

One of those guy mates of mine became good friends with my husband too. Was usher at wedding and potential godfather to our kids.

Every male friend I’ve ever had has made a move or a declaration of love eventually.

Echo point who mentions the evidence that men especially tend to befriend people they are attracted to.

I also read somewhere that men are sufficiently sexually attracted to roughly 70% of the women’s they meet that they would sleep with them if the chance presents itself. Whereas with women it’s more like 20%. So a man is way more likely to be attracted to you than you are to him.

That’s also apparently why they get so into “ranking” wow men by attractiveness, it’s because they are attracted to so many women they need to prioritise and they also need to buffer themselves from the fact unless they look like Keane Reeves they’ll be rejected by most of the women they like, so they adopt an “didn’t fancy her that much anyway, she wasn’t in my top ten” attitude to save their egos.

I've never had a male friend that hasn't tried to shag me tbh.

I conclude that for most men, women are there to service their needs and this basic subconscious misogyny underlies their inability to relate to women as genuinely equal platonic friends. So sad!

I can't be arsed with men. NAMALT, but far too many are!

I've had good female friends all my life, both during my marriage (now nearly 20 years) and before. Some are in relationships, some aren't.

I've never been remotely tempted to stray with any of them.

Things that probably help are that

• they are all either DW's friends or women that I spend time with as part of a group (in some cases mixed, in some cases I'm the only man in the group).
• whether they're interested in me is something I don't give any thought to.
• there are certain topics I keep away from.
• in one case she's 20 years older.

I've had a couple of crushes, on work colleagues not friends (didn't act on them).

In some cases they're very old, close friendships and they've been among the best features of my life.

@joystir59

I can't be arsed with men. NAMALT, but far too many are!

Probably yes. I'm a bit confused (but in a happy way) about how it's worked out for me