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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be hopping mad and upset for DS?

152 replies

robotcollision · 21/07/2021 18:15

Sorry this is long but I am so angry and upset on his behalf and have nowhere to vent.

DS2 (19 yrs old) has never had life easy. He has a very visible physical disability and an invisible one (HFA) which have given him more than his fair share of medical and social problems since birth. He had a truly awful first year at uni due to extreme isolation during Covid and some bullying.

The one thing that worked out for him was that he studied really hard and as a result got offered an exchange scholarship to a US uni for this coming year. The US uni was supposed to release a form to him in March that he needed before he was allowed to apply for his visa. He asked and asked for it. It was eventually released last week. He immediately spent 12 hours completing it and returned it to them.
They sent it back to him this week and he finally was able to apply for a visa. The visa interview date came through and it is two days too late for the cut off entry to his first semester at the US uni. (Term starts on Aug 19th. The latest day they will accept him is 3rd September. The visa interview means he can't possibly get to USA before 5th September at the earliest. We have phoned the Embassy - they can't and won't expedite it. The uni's delay in releasing the form effectively means they have jeopardised his entire study abroad year.

He now has no US uni, no one to share with at his UK uni as the friends he eventually made when he returned in the summer term have already got sorted for houses and his only option is to get an emergency accommodation back in the block where he was locked up alone and descending into severe depression last year.

I am so sad for him and so frustrated that there is nothing we can do to change the dates. And I am so so tired of him constantly putting such effort in to everything he does, from friendships to academic study, just to be perpetually knocked back.

Don't suppose any MNer has magical influence at US Embassy in London? Grin If not, this is just a vent at the ongoing injustice in his life. I feel like nature didn't give him the best start and he deserves a break at some point.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 31/07/2021 18:54

How shit for you all Thanks

opalescent · 31/07/2021 18:59

I'm bursting with anger and frustration for you. I'm going to ask my sister if she has any advice - she works in a senior role in overseas student support for a UK university. She might have a thought on processes or something 🥴

opalescent · 31/07/2021 19:00

I'm bursting with anger and frustration for you. I'm going to ask my sister if she has any advice - she works in a senior role in overseas student support for a UK university. She might have a thought on processes or something 🥴

OhNoNoNoNoNo · 31/07/2021 19:20

I don’t quite understand the situation here so this bit of advise might be completely irrelevant. Please ignore if it is 😅
I don’t think it’s a well known fact but you can have two UK passports. Might that be of help here? I’m not sure of who can get them but my husband has two

PutYourBackIntoit · 31/07/2021 20:00

Oh OP, I'm so sorry Flowers
I've been thinking of you and your son and am so sorry to see your update.

Original poster
robotcollision · 31/07/2021 21:00

I got home tonight after being away all week looking after my mum and sorting out arrangements for the funeral. He definitely seems to have given up. He's looking for accommodation in his UK uni area now. DH has asked him not to stop checking for cancellations but I think he's (with some justification) decided not to invest too much hope any more so he's focusing on how to make next year good in UK.

I will share what I think of them in public only after he has absolutely decided. Don't want to jeopardise it if he has a sudden chance or a change of heart.

Thank you everyone who has been supportive on here. It's so kind of you all.

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 31/07/2021 21:09

Gosh I'm so sorry to hear all this. What a massive disappointment. I'm sorry for your loss and all the associated stresses you are dealing with. Thanks

billy1966 · 31/07/2021 21:25

I can't articulate my disappointment for your son to you.

I'm so sorry.

So dreadful to bear on top of everything else.
Flowers

Vgbeat · 31/07/2021 23:03

I'm really sorry about your dad and the whole situation. I really hope it works out.

Original poster
robotcollision · 01/08/2021 07:36

@opalescent

I'm bursting with anger and frustration for you. I'm going to ask my sister if she has any advice - she works in a senior role in overseas student support for a UK university. She might have a thought on processes or something 🥴
Thank you @opalescent. That would be genuinely helpful, I appreciate it.
OP posts:
TheNewBlack · 01/08/2021 07:49

I agree with him. He needs to focus on making the next year at his UK university as good as it can be. He had a difficult time last year and it will be really positive if this year is a different experience.

If it’s for us, it won’t go by us. I’m not sure that this is a good time to be visiting or studying in the US so maybe, just maybe, things have worked out for the best. It could have been a nightmare for him over there.

I wish him well and hope he has a great year.

crayray · 01/08/2021 10:17

Hi OP,

I manage a Study Abroad team in a UK university (and am fervently hoping your son isn't one of our students because I feel he has been let down by both universities and I would feel dreadful if it were my responsibility). It sounds like most of your contact has been with the US university - has your DS requested a call/virtual meeting with the UK university? It sounds like all avenues have been explored with the US uni and they aren't going to budge, but I wonder whether the UK uni could consider more flexibility in respect of going for the spring semester only. It may mean he has to suspend his studies for the first semester, and it may also mean that the year abroad won't be included in his degree title, but they may consider allowing it given the exceptional circumstances. It all depends whether it is a mandatory year abroad (sounds like it isn't), and whether the grades achieved on the year abroad count towards the final degree classification, or whether it's assessed on a pass/fail basis. If it's the former it's much more complicated.

If the Study Abroad office won't allow this, he may want to speak to someone senior in his academic department to see if they will advocate for him.

Finally, it doesn't sound like his disabilities have contributed to the complexities here, but I just thought I'd check that they weren't a mitigating factor. The new Turing scheme is all about widening participation and supporting students with additional needs, and it would be counter to the principles of the scheme if a UK university were not doing all they could to support such a student. It doesn't sound like that's what's happening, and I'm not for a moment suggesting that you/he raise this point if it has had no bearing on the situation he finds himself in now (and I'm sure you wouldn't anyway), but if there's a chance that, for example, there was a delay at some stage in the process that came about because he is a student with disabilities, there could be a case for requesting special consideration.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 01/08/2021 10:26

I'm so sorry you are all having such a hard time.

I can't help with the USA stuff, but my ds was due to have a year abroad as part of his degree and it all fell through at the last minute, leaving him with no accommodation for his third year. However, lots of people were looking for someone to take up a room in a shared flat as one of their group had dropped out of uni. So finding accommodation wasn't an issue. My ds ended up with a group of lads from the year below who had a spare room.in their shared house as one of the group had failed his first year exams and decided to drop out of uni. It all worked out fine.

Original poster
robotcollision · 01/08/2021 14:28

@crayray

Hi OP,

I manage a Study Abroad team in a UK university (and am fervently hoping your son isn't one of our students because I feel he has been let down by both universities and I would feel dreadful if it were my responsibility). It sounds like most of your contact has been with the US university - has your DS requested a call/virtual meeting with the UK university? It sounds like all avenues have been explored with the US uni and they aren't going to budge, but I wonder whether the UK uni could consider more flexibility in respect of going for the spring semester only. It may mean he has to suspend his studies for the first semester, and it may also mean that the year abroad won't be included in his degree title, but they may consider allowing it given the exceptional circumstances. It all depends whether it is a mandatory year abroad (sounds like it isn't), and whether the grades achieved on the year abroad count towards the final degree classification, or whether it's assessed on a pass/fail basis. If it's the former it's much more complicated.

If the Study Abroad office won't allow this, he may want to speak to someone senior in his academic department to see if they will advocate for him.

Finally, it doesn't sound like his disabilities have contributed to the complexities here, but I just thought I'd check that they weren't a mitigating factor. The new Turing scheme is all about widening participation and supporting students with additional needs, and it would be counter to the principles of the scheme if a UK university were not doing all they could to support such a student. It doesn't sound like that's what's happening, and I'm not for a moment suggesting that you/he raise this point if it has had no bearing on the situation he finds himself in now (and I'm sure you wouldn't anyway), but if there's a chance that, for example, there was a delay at some stage in the process that came about because he is a student with disabilities, there could be a case for requesting special consideration.

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I very much doubt he is at your university as he hasn't received a single response from the study abroad office as coherent., sympathetic or considered as this. They have just sent stock platitudes along the lines, 'Have you tried getting in touch with the US study abroad office?' (Of course he has, multiple times, and they know it) or 'If you need to stay in UK why don't you look on Right Move for shared accommodation and see if anyone else still isn't fixed for a house share?' as if he was incapable of working out the thunderingly obvious all by himself.

Your suggestion of a single semester and the grounds for it is a good one. But I suspect it will end up being a long fight to be told know. They are quite unapproachable and tend to give blunt, final answers. Also, it would be very difficult indeed for him to secure accommodation for just half a year in that part of the UK. He'll need to sign up for a whole year.

As you say, it's not a mandatory part of the degree, so it wouldn't matter if he missed half a year, as the US courses are modular.

I'm intrigued by your mention of the Turing scheme and will look into it. He's had enough setbacks in life caused by his disabilities so having something positive come from them would be wonderful. When I have a chance, I'll look into this with him.

Thank you so much for your careful reply.

OP posts:
Original poster
robotcollision · 01/08/2021 14:29

Told 'No' not know. Bereavement brain fog. Sorry for all the typos.

OP posts:
crayray · 01/08/2021 15:10

Hi again OP, just a couple more thoughts. If the Study Abroad team are not being helpful, I would recommend your DS seeks help via his academic department or the Quality Office (or whoever deals with student complaints). There may even be a body in the Union that supports student complaints, though this is unlikely to be a quick enough route to change the outcome and would be more appropriate for a retrospective complaint.

Re the Turing Scheme, I should say that there's no guarantee the university will have applied to join the scheme (though I'd be extremely surprised if they haven't), and also no guarantee they'll have been successful if they did apply. If they were successful, they'll have been told there's an embargo on announcing their success until Turing give the green light. I say this only so that if you do look into that route you're aware of the context. It would be, for example, more appropriate to say 'I'm aware that as a UK university no doubt wishing to participate in the Turing Scheme...' etc etc rather than 'the Turing Scheme rules oblige you as a university to...' etc etc. Hope that makes sense?

Original poster
robotcollision · 01/08/2021 16:32

Yes that makes perfect sense. Thank you so much.

OP posts:
LauraAshleyDuvetCover · 01/08/2021 16:58

That sounds awful. And sorry to hear about your dad. Flowers

You've probably talked to everybody now, but just in case... Does his academic department not have a link person for years abroad? We had somebody who was in charge of the year abroad scheme, would fly out to visit students etc.

If so, I'd have thought they'd be very keen to try to help sort it out — usually they have good links with the universities so exchanges go smoothly, plus it's good if one of your students gets a scholarship, and not so good if they can't take it up! I'd definitely tell his DoS/Personal Tutor as well, half to keep them in the loop, half to see if they've come across this problem before. It sounds like the 'central' services aren't really being much help.

If not, I hope his next year here goes well. Smile

Original poster
robotcollision · 01/08/2021 21:41

They do @LauraAshleyDuvetCover but they have been useless. Absolutely indifferent. As if they gave up work during Covid and are just collecting the salary.

OP posts:
XelaM · 02/08/2021 00:38

This is absolutely shocking from the US uni and I would definitely try to shame them in public if they can’t make such a small exception when it was their own fault and your son has disabilities

Original poster
robotcollision · 02/08/2021 06:38

@XelaM

This is absolutely shocking from the US uni and I would definitely try to shame them in public if they can’t make such a small exception when it was their own fault and your son has disabilities
We will if they don't sort it out soon. My son has pretty much given up now, because it should never have been a battle. It was supposed to be something wonderful to look forward to after a rough first year under strict lockdown.

And now I'm up to my eyeballs sorting out care for my mum and my dad's funeral I don't have the energy or time to battle them. It shouldn't be a battle. It's just extraordinary that they have mishandled it so badly and do nothing to make amends.

OP posts:
PutYourBackIntoit · 02/08/2021 15:07

I do think if your ds can handle it that a twitter post tagging in the US uni, the UK uni the passport office your local mp and any student bodies may be a way to get some traction.
I'd be more than happy to retweet.
I've had a certain insane decision overturned (not nearly as significant as your sons) only via the power of twitter.

I hope you're doing OK today OP Flowers

Ilovecaviar · 02/08/2021 15:46

Sorry for your loss @robotcollision. You have a lot on your plate right now, I can only imagine. Sending strength for you and I’m still crossing my fingers for your son.

LauraAshleyDuvetCover · 02/08/2021 16:13

Sorry to hear that Robot. I just thought I'd mention it because I've found the department are usually more helpful than the central service because they know you (and will have to see you in the future!).

Flowers I hope sorting the funeral and your DM's care is going as well and as smoothly as possible.

absolutelyknackeredcow · 09/08/2021 20:20

Sorry to hear that @robotcollision - you and my son have been in my thoughts